Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Oh wow, reading about the education sabotage.
I was an unhappy teenager, and throwing myself into schoolwork was an escape.
I was so happy when I applied to a high profile university to study medicine and was accepted, I would even be able to move away.
Over the months before hand my mother started a campaign to stop me going.
I wouldn't fit in, I was too working class, too schemey ( we lived in a large poverty stricken council home "scheme") no one would speak to me, I would be lonely, other students would bully me, It's not a job for a woman, I would be stealing a man's job, my accent would be judged, I wouldn't be clever enough to do the work, she wouldn't visit etc etc.
So with weeks to go I phoned the tutor and declined the place.
I felt very bitter for years afterwards.
A sad fact too though is that I may have struggled.
My self esteem was poor, I struggled with low mood and anxiety, but those too were gifts from my mother. I may have struggled, but I may have found my wings, tutors may have been supportive, other students friendly.
My life chances were limited from the start.

Same. She never took any interest in my education, never once asked if I had homework/reading/spelling, etc. We did Home Ec and had to bring in ingredients, she would refuse to supply them because it was a waste of money. I still remember the shame of being the only one in the class not being able to take part and getting grief from the teachers for it.
I was top of the class in primary. I was a bright kid and wanted to go to Grammar school, she told me she had been to the school and they had refused me a place. I didn't realise that that was a lie until much later in life. Instead, I was enrolled at the local failing comp because it was easier for her.
Sixth form and Uni weren't even an option. I was told I would leave at 15 and start working.
She crowed to all her friends though when I got 10 O levels.
In the end, I got a job that offered training and then went into nursing.
It still rankles that with encouragement I could have done better in life, but she didn't see the point, according to her it was a waste and women just got married and had babies.

@speakout
@reesewithoutaspoon

My heart breaks for you.

Neither of my parents took any interest in my school work ,
froends or interests. They didn’t actively sabotage me though.
Although when I was offered a place at University after a struggle to resit exams at night school, having done badly at school because I had no parental support, ny father’s reaction was : ‘You’ll struggle to get a 2:2.’ He didn’t come to my graduation. I got a 2:1 Masters.

When I bravely decided to go abroad on a working holiday after a rough time, he said ‘You’ll be back in 2 weeks’. I was away four months.

My parents were both very unsupportive and derogatory towards me. My sister however could do no wrong.

Oh my. I am so sorry to hear of these experiences. By comparison, I suppose I was lucky in that I was ‘allowed’ to go to university, even though she didn’t see the point.

I crossed with your post, SilverLiningPlaybook.

The contrast with my golden sibling was a thing here too, I’m sure. It was ok for me to go to university, have a career etc because golden sibling’s was bound to be bigger and better.

Funny isn’t it, as mine was adamant I was going to university. I didn’t want to go as the career I wanted didn’t need it, but years of “there’s no money in it”, you won’t get a proper job without a degree etc etc and I caved and picked a degree for the sake of it with no clue what I wanted to do.

irony is the career I wanted is now huge, people earning shitloads, loads of degrees in that area, jobs are really desirable. While I’m stuck moving job to job not really finding my niche never having used my degree. My mum however has plenty of bragging rights that I went to uni and have a degree.

That is funny (in a very bleak way) but I’m sorry it had such an impact on your choice of career.

I was sent to a prestigious school and followed on to do a degree (at a local uni - not allowed to go very far) but if I show any sign of learning or education then I'm mocked and treated with derision. Seems the point of the schools and the appearance of education was just for the bragging rights and not for me. I was encourage to follow into the same career as her but when I wasn't interested then there was no further interest or support. Never supported with anything that wasn't her choice. Never allowed or supported to go far from home. That's one thing I regret, not travelling. If I went away on a short trip or break there's always a crisis or illness back home

Does anyone else ever find talking to their mother like being mugged emotionally? I'm very careful with what I say to my mother, I never initiate conversations with her, just nod along to her monologues mostly, but occasionally I'll try responding and she immediately shuts the conversation down as though I've started a conversation with her that she's not interested in, rather than the other way round.

So it will go something like:

Her: 'They've got the bread I like back in the bakery'

Me: Oh, really? Was it out of stock before?

Her (interrupting): yeah, yeah, well must get on.

I guess she just isn't interested in a conversation. I mostly just ignore her now.

Oh yes to the mugging! Even the most innocuous comment can be turned into the intro to a tirade. It’s exhausting.

This is a great thread!

'You always made friends so easily as a child.'

I had no friends and was bullied a lot for having awful acne from a young age. Completely miserable. It appears not so much that anyone would notice.

I can relate to that 100%

My mother does the monologue thing but if I try to say anything she makes a sharp nasty comment or says something passive aggressive. So I just nod along. That confirms her belief that I have no life and never do anything. She delights in telling me about her activities because she believes she is inherently superior to me. She feeds this belief to my sister who also patronises me. They bolster each other in their belief that I’m dull and lead a sad life. In fact that have no idea at all what I do, how i feel or what I think.

I hear you SilverLiningPlaybook.
Just so sad. I have a similar situation- my sister is the golden child- even though live in different continents.
Both "born again" christians ( of a particulary right wing and nasty conservative church) they praise each other on the phone, and I am told that they pray for me to find a " good path"- ie to become christian.
I have heard my mother tell my sister that I have strayed so far from good things she thinks I will never recover.
And yes- I tell my mother very little. Only gives her ammo to shoot me down.

That actually made me feel ill to read speakout. How horrible and how unfair. You are the one caring for your mother. Your sister left and you had to pick up the pieces as a child. Yet she is a golden child.

My mother is also a religious fanatic. It’s her whole life and ruined my childhood. She sent
me an article to read the other week so we could ‘discuss ‘ it. I just said I’m not interested. Couldn’t even be bothered trying to sugar coat my reply.

SilverLiningPlaybook I am sorry you have gone through such difficult times too.
Despite that you show such courage, dignity and understanding.
The religious thing can be particularly insidious. Casting shame, blame and guilt.
It is easy to cast someone distant as the golden child. It causes me no pain. Because of their limited contact over many decades they have typecast each other into the perfect daughter/perfect parent roles, which has only a sketchy basis in reality- because they spend only 30 minutes twice a month on the phone.
If my sister lived closer I know their relationship would be strained.

You sound like a very strong and wise woman speakout. I certainly wouldn’t be caring for my mother in your position. You show great compassion.

SilverLiningPlaybook thank you for your kind words. It also takes great courage to step away from religion, especially if you were indoctrinated as a child.
I am very interested in religion and philosophy ( atheist of course)
My mother often asks me to clarify some aspects of her religion, but I tell her I am not qualified to answer - perhaps she could ask my sister or someone at church.
One of the many subjects I won't discuss with her.

Probably very wise! As my mother got older, she returned to the church of her upbringing and got more and more judgemental of those that hadn’t embraced God! She was horrified that I never got my DCs christened and for years kept on about them ending up in purgatory and that she prayed every night for the lord to forgive my neglect and get them a bye into heaven. Some of our bitterest arguments were about her form of Christianity and the paradox of her treatment of others.

She grandly announced one day that she didn’t agree with shops being open on Sundays as “the lord said it is a day of rest” I pointed out that I had taken her to Sainsburys on numerous Sundays but she was absolutely adamant and very cross that I had even suggested that she had ever gone on that day of the week. She was a bit stumped when I also said that if she had a moral objection to shops being open, the same must surely apply to pubs and restaurants and therefore, she shouldn’t expect to be taken out for a roast.

She was such a religious bigot all around. She could never grasp that other religions or even non believers could still have a moral code. In her mind, the only righteous people were Christians!

"She could never grasp that other religions or even non believers could still have a moral code. In her mind, the only righteous people were Christians!"

Oh wow that is so close to home! Despite the fact OH and I have never married ( been together 25 years), she still tells us it is unholy.
But happy to live with us in our comfortable home.

My mother takes exactly the same view. It’s so tiresome. Such hypocrites.

Oh my. Here too.

My DD has just sent me a podcast on Spotify called “Call her Daddy - Is your parent a narcissus? “

Dr Sherrie Campbell breaks down what happens when you come to realisation that your mum or dad should never have been a parent in the first place.
So, so much resonates - particularly a narc’s need to create conflict.
A very informative and actually reassuring listen.

Whoops! *narcissist.

if only my mother had been merely a narcissus! 🙄

Arf! I spend most of my MN time on the gardening threads.

I don’t have Spotify but will try to find that podcast. I’m very interested in what she might have to say about narcissists needing to create conflict. Mine often seems determined to pick arguments (often about tiny things) but also to provoke arguments between other people.