Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

I have the same fears and seem to spend most days looking back over the day while asking myself "was I my mum today?"

Laughing at my typo!

"I am no parenting expert- although I did learn a lot from my mother about how to parent."

Should read "how not to parent"!

@shouldisay snap! I was full on bawling my eyes out at 9:30 this morning over something I said to my 6yo on Monday! I research and research how best to approach things with the kids, it’s exhausting but I really want to get it right 😞

@speakout I did wonder 🤔 😆

Great tips thank you! I definitely agree with everything you’re saying and trying my best. I just need to reel in my temper unfortunately, I can almost behave like a toddler when something triggers me or I feel completely out of my depth, obviously it’s been very rare but I remember driving home from a holiday on 2.5 hour drive with the kids kicking off (all screaming at the top of their lungs) on a busy motorway (dh driving) and I let out an almighty “I can’t do this anymore!” and stuck my head in between my legs to breathe 😞 I begged my dh to pull over, it was horrendous, dh couldn’t believe it, I felt like I let them all down, I’m try my best not to get like that ever again though.

I think it’s about constant self awareness and reflection. When I am stressed, tired or without resources I can slip back into the patterns my mother set. It’s very exhausting to police yourself constantly. I find unfortunately that despite my best efforts I fail a lot. In not having had any sort of good role model to follow, it’s hard sometimes to know what is normal . I often model myself on other people I know, but of course I only see a snapshot of their lives.

No one is a perfect parent. You are not your mother though. The fact that you have self-reflection and are aware of potential failings and actively try to resolve them is the total opposite of the narc mother who has no insight at all into her behaviour or its effect on others.
Even when confronted with it she denies it. She's not a big ball of anxiety about how she parented. As far as she is concerned she will have been the perfect mother, and any problems were down to you.

An absolutely superb post! Brilliantly put and totally spot on.

Seriously. I think this is worth printing out and keeping somewhere close by to read whenever anyone is struggling with that self doubt that a narc parent has contaminated you with.

Thank you so much @reesewithoutaspoon 💐

I agree reesewithoutaspoon a great post.
My mother "knows" she is a perfect parent, she lacks any capacity for self doubt or questioning.
Any of the bad stuff that went on were the fault of her children.
Like my 14 year old sister leaving home to live with her 21 year old boyfriend.
That was totally my sister's doing, notthing at all to do with the way she parented.

There’s just nowhere to go is there when the person who has caused you so much misery thinks she was a wonderful mother and all the fault lies with you. I was genuinely shocked when my mother told me this recently. I had assumed she realised that she’d got things wrong. Of course I have got things wrong too, but she just doesn’t have any self awareness.

Yes, it’s a hard pill to swallow which is why I went NC with her.

Out of curiosity, why do you think they are the way they are? We had lots of family trauma for atleast 3 generations; starting with my great grandad being a Japanese pow, which, when he came home meant his MH was horrendous and my great grandmother did not cope well with him as she had 7 children to care for alone, this caused trauma to my grandmother who then had a string of terrible DA relationships, became an alcoholic and neglected my mother terribly, who then ended up similar.

My dads mum died when he was a newborn and only he out of his 9 siblings was long term fostered by a family who were alcoholics and would be a mix of lax rules and beat him, he is also a narcissistic.

Knowing all of this it has gave me real guilt in my approach to my parents, but it’s also gave them a reason to be able to abuse me for years longer than they should have been able to as they’d often say “I had it worse, you’re just a spoilt brat, I had nothing, look at what you have”.. it’s been a very confusing tactic of theirs and cruel.

SilverLiningPlaybook

I agree- it seriously fucks with your head. My mother treats me as if I am a monster.
I have two cats, one is prone to clawing furniture. I usually give a clap of the hands, and the sound is enough to stop him. It happened yesterday and my mother screamed at me- " Don't hit the cats! You always hurt the cats!" I was 10 feet away.
I have never caused an animal to feel pain. I don't hit animals, or children, but my mother sees me as a violent person.
Which is ironic because she was a slap happy mother- I was hit most days of my childhood.
When I look at myself through my mother's eyes I see me as a violent, angry abusive person. I can see that she dislikes me.
It really has caused me to question who I am and why she has this concept of me.
In all my other relationships things are good and healthy.
I have an adoring husband, adult children who laugh and hug me, friends are super lovely, women in my exercise class are so amazing.
The only place I have conflict in my life is with my mother.

My mother has been dead years and I still hear her criticising me on a daily basis.
She is a constant companion, always at my elbow, reminding me of what a disappointment and a failure I was and still am. Years of therapy still can’t get rid of her.

My DS is an adult and we go on holiday together, eat out sometimes and it is a hoot!

The way I did it was to keep communication open and be lenient but also be the parent and sort shit out. Because it was just the 2 of us I involved him in decisions without expecting him to sort his own life out all the time.

I am sure that without even trying we are all much better parents than our DMs. In my DMs case all I had to be was not self absorbed and cruel to be 100 times better than her. She was a shit parent and a shit friend.

It took until I was 51 to stand up to mine and point out she said something rude now she is not speaking to me and I no longer care and all the rude comments have gone from my head I think if you are worried about your own children you will be extra careful not to make the same mistakes love to everyone

That’s really strange. I wonder did your grandmother hit your mother? It sounds to me like she is seeing someone else when she looks at you. My mother also dislikes me and ascribes horrible motives to the things I do. She used to accuse me of stealing from her and thinks I lie to her about things. The irony is she has stolen things from me. She once went into my room and took a book from the bedside table when I was visiting as an adult. When I asked her why she had it, she said she wanted to read it! No apology. Things have disappeared from the house when she is around. She rifles through personal possessions when she gets the chance too . I actually think she’s a bit mentally ill.

I don’t know if anyone on this thread has tried Family Constellations work but I have found it enormously helpful and revealing.

I have pointed out to my mother several times when she is being rude. She will send me aggressive texts in capitals and say really unpleasant things. If I challenge her she gets in a huff or continues to be rude.

Yes mine does the all capitals with 4 exclamation marks too either that or I get a messsge from my father about how dare I upset my mother which is even more rude than hers , my 8 year old son said mummy I don’t like the way your parents treat you bless him

SilverLiningPlaybook I think you are right.
My grandmother ( my mother's mother) had a traumatic childhood.
Her own mother died when she was young, and her father was a violent drunk.
Eventually my gran and her 4 siblings were taken into care and grew up in a children's home.
I think there is generational trauma.
My sister ( also a narcissist) suffered the generational wounds too,but chose not to heal, and has passed them down to her children.
The good news is that we can heal, we don't need to pass them down- we can break the cycle.
Becoming aware is the first step.

Whenever I dare to call out blatantly out of order behaviour I get 1) denial 2) defends/excuse 3) abuse back at me 4) silent treatment (this is the phase where she’ll go to my sister with the victim narrative 6) breezy message a few weeks later as if I’d said nothing. Same pattern every time. Never ever ever once have I had a apology. I think I once got ‘I am sorry you think I was out of order but…(excuse) Think that’s the closest I’ve ever had.

Mine also sabotaged my education at 3 important years but this was ok and nothing she does is wrong and in her mind never happened

I’m sorry but also intrigued to hear that, Shortbread. Mine didn’t exactly sabotage my education, but was dismissive of it. Quite recently, I said that with hindsight I wish I had made different choices, to which she said that, if I had, she would have vetoed them. Now I’m wondering whether not valuing or supporting daughters’ education is a narcissist thing, because education can offer opportunities and an escape route which narcissistic mothers aren’t keen for their daughters to have.

What a lot of pain passed down through the generations. It’s really so sad. You have broken the chain which is amazing for your children, particularly your daughter.

My mother apologised once in a text message. I nearly dropped down dead with shock. That’s the only time it’s ever happened.

I was told by her at 16 that I wasn’t going to 6th form as it was “a waste of time” and I needed to go and get a job instead. Luckily, I had opportunities within the business to work my way up to a reasonable level but had I gone into higher education, my potential probably could have been higher. She certainly believed a woman’s value was based on her husband’s success rather than self achievement.

As others have posted, she was also the product of an abusive household. Her father was a drinker who beat my grandmother and also moved another woman into the family home and fathered another two children under the same roof - but she hero worshipped him. Apparently, he placed great value on good manners and respect and would have been horrified how I treated her!
When she was confronted over her bad behaviour, she would often retreat behind the excuse of her upbringing, but it never stopped her being unspeakably cruel and callous to others.

Yes o had the chance to go to a really good school on a scholarship spent a year being coached for the exam then got told I wasn’t doing it, then I had the same as you about sixth form told I wasn’t going (I ignored and went they took no interest in the two years I was there) then was told I wasn’t going to university as it was a stupid idea and if I went to study In different city I could never go back home , I have 2 degrees which really pisses them
off !