Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

I think living in a dysfunctional household where you have to work out how to survive makes someone very good at working out what people are about too. When you spend years being hypersensitive to tone of voice , threat level etc it makes you a very good psychologist. I am a very good judge of character and fascinated by human behaviour.

I am literally gobsmacked at all these common traits in our narcissist parents.
I thought it was just my mother like this.
I am nodding again at the idea of talking about the past.
I have been grey rock for a while now, but before that she would quickly close down any conversations about the past, my childhood memories.
"Why do you want to talk about that, the past is over, just leave it", even if the subject was quite inoccuous, and become irritated.
Bizarrely she would often bring up the past herself, yes often to ridicule or re-tell uncomfortable situations of mine, or to give monologues about her courting days and the countless marriage proosals she had. If I try to add to the conversation or deviate from her saga she will become irritated and close me down.
So she is allowed to talk about the past, but not me.
It is hard to keep up with the rules.
So in the end I don't bother.

I so relate to that. The marriage proposals too! I often feel I wasn’t actually present in my own childhood. My mother has her own sanitised version of what life was like . She was an excellent mother she feels. There is literally not one incident involving me that as positive from my point of view. I have never done anything enjoyable with my mother in my whole life. My childhood was to keep quiet, keep out of the way and not be a nuisance. My mother will complain that I used to play the piano , why don’t I do that now? She made sacrifices for me to do Ballet, why did I give it up as a teenager? Once she complained that when I was three I could speak some Swahili ( we were living in Africa until that age). Why can’t I now? As if I’m choosing to spite her by being the person I am. Everything is a reflection on her. I once heard her lie to a friend that I had a completely different job to the one I had, to make herself look better.

My mothers conversation all my life has been about herself. She is the heroine in her own story. There isn’t room for anyone else. My father died ten years ago. She never mentions him. Her conversation is all about her childhood .

Absolutely- I can "see through" people easily, It's an uncanny sense.
My mother has some church friends-elders and always talking about what a lovely life they have. Lets call her Cathie, always wears stunning outfits, always smiling, her husband Mike seems charming, holds open the doors for everyone, always putting his arm around his wife, bright and breezy.
I met them and could read their relationship like a book. I could see anxiety pouring out of Cathie, she seemed very sad and nervous, darting eyes. Mike held a simmering anger and control just below the surface.
Later I asked my mother what was going on with the couple, and she laughed.
"You are stupid, Mike and Cathie have a wonderful relationship, they have just renewed their wedding vows- why do you always see the worst in people?" My mother has been meeting with Cathie regularly outside church for several years.
A week later Cathie phoned for my mother, who wasn't at home.
I chatted for a minute or two then Cathie burst into tears- she was desperately unhappy, just had her hand stitched as Mike had tried to hit her with a vase. How she was barely holding things together because Mike is so abusive and really struggling. We talked for half an hour.
Later my mother talked to Cathie, I asked my mother how she was, and said fine, although she has cut her hand with garden shears, " That woman has such a good life".
It isn't my information to divulge- I suggested to Cathie that she gets help, but my mother is oblivious.
So yes I can work people out easily- my welfare depended on it as a child.
I have heard this "skill" called "pathological empathy", often present in children of narcissicts or codependants.

And yes to the job.
My mother is deeply ashamed of how I make money- she has told her friends I am a firefighter- who works from home. I am 60!

Yes I can relate to this. A ‘feeling’ and intuition about people and what’s really going on. I think you learn never to take anything at surface level. I have a survivor mentality ingrained into me. Being able to read people is part of this.

My mother will also say I always see the worst in people. I don’t, I often see the best too. My mother judges on a surface level.

Oh my Lord. That is quite a stretch! Quite funny actually. You could get some mileage out of that!

It't very funny- she panicked when asked directly.
She is worried her church friends will find out what I do.
It's sad because I am proud of my achievements, as are my OH, my adult kids, my OHs family, all my friends all think it is cool.
My mother keeps it a secret from my sister too.

Yes!!! Usually coupled with the "no one ever calls me, I could be lying here dead you know and no one would ever know!"

I used to be so apologetic and tell her all the things I had been busy with to justify why I hadn't called, now I just tell her that I know she hasn't died because I saw she was active on Facebook an hour ago.

shouldisay I can relate to that.
My mother had an unpleasant reaction to new medication and fainted in the living room.
She tells people how she was alone, trying to cry out for help but her voice was so weak that no one could here her.
"Here I was, collapsed, no one could hear me, it was awful"
What she fails to tell is that my OH was in the kitchen, and it was all of 3 minutes before he found her and came to her assistance.

During Covid my mother would get food parcels weekly from her church, people would pop by at a distance to see if she needed anything on a regular basis.
I heard her on the phone telling people she was "on her own" and how hard it was.
At the time we were a family of 5 adults. Three of us had cars, my OH was furloughed and I work from home.
I asked my mother how she could justify this- she said " Well I am on my own - my husband died in 19984, that means I am alone."
I tried to explain these charity services were for people genuinely living alone, but she was adament that meants her too.
It is excruciating watching her milk others for attention and supply.

Yes to all of this. I take the blame for everything to the pint it’s a running joke with my OH things like world events 😂 ‘that’ll be my fault somehow…’A couple of years ago my dentist said I had ‘fantastic gums’ and I went home and said “I’ve just believed a compliment for the first time” - because I knew 100 that the dentist had literally no reason to tell me my gums were great when they weren’t. It’s bizarre isn’t it. My husband says lovely things I do believe him but deep down I think he’ll change his mind one day.

It is hard isn't it.
Our self esteem can be badly affected by a narcissist mother.
If I told my mother that the dentist had said I had good gums, she would probably reply " Yes you have my gums, I gave you the gene for good gums".

@speakout that is EXACTLY what mine would say!!!! But only if it was a compliment that she absolutely couldn't find an underhand passive-aggressive insult for.

She calls my kids 'my little ones' and every achievement or positive trait they have is either because she taught them to do it or because they're just like her and have inherited it from her. If they show any less positive side of themselves then they're just like their dad or his side of the family. Nice.

It's never ok to have ups and downs or make mistakes. It's 100% perfect or nothing at all. Such pressure.

Do people listen to the podcast In Sight?

Lying about health issues to manipulate others.

Told everyone she had a ‘heart issue’ She never did. If she was outmanoeuvred or wasn’t getting her own way, she would suddenly experience ‘chest pain’ ‘feeling giddy’ and ‘a tight chest’ These symptoms could be switched on and off at will. The best cure was to mention calling an ambulance and a rapid recovery usually followed. Unfortunately, those that didn’t know her would fuss around and express concern - which she loved.

She had moderately high BP and was a low dose medication but told everyone she was ‘unusual’ because hers was very low. Despite being corrected numerous times, she persisted with the trivial fantasy because it made her feel special.

UglyNess do you have a link to the podcast?

Oh yes, when it comes to physical attributes like an overcrowded mouth ( DD needed braces) that was from the other side of the family.
My mother calls my DD " my daughter".
She also has this attitude to perfectionism- so if I do something like bake, or a new product for my business and doesn't quite work out as I hoped then she is quick to come in with a nasty comment- "you are not as clever as you think" or " you are a big fat failure"
I have a different mindset in that there is always something to be learned- so next time I know not to put so much butter/lemon juice in the cake, or my new product didn't quite hot the mark, but has informed me of a new direction I hadn't thought of.
I don't view my endeavours as mistakes, because there is usually something to learn or a positive aspect.

A favourite from my mother. We had an offer accepted on a house years ago, well below the asking price . Her response when we had taken her out to dinner to celebrate was: ‘you only got it because I prayed for you’. You should thank me.

Oh yes to the constant suggestion that any positive attribute must have been inherited from her!

Does anyone else find that their mother claims to have many ailments but won’t seek help from health professionals? My mother refuses to go to the GP, largely (it seems) because in the past they haven’t agreed with her self-diagnosis.

I struggle with that @speakout and find failure (even tiny ones) very hard to cope with. I have a deep inner sense of being 'silly', that things I do are not to be taken seriously and that I'm not a proper adult. I have real issues with putting myself out there at work and in life with things I would really like to do because of this feeling of silliness, as if im a child who's playing at being a grown up and there's a real shame in that.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/in-sight/id1613030538

It was the never ending spite I found hard. If something didnt work out she would cackle with glee that and declare I was not as clever as I thought I was.

She only took things at face value. Despite her thinking she was clever she was not. But there was only room in her head for her.

She refused to do anything with women because it would mean a conversation. If things were not engineered around her she wasnt interested.

I've patented by copying my DF and not copying her. I'm a very different parent to her and I actually parented.

@speakout yes! My mum does that too. My daughters are beautiful and smart, and I am so proud of them, that's her doing though....clearly the genes have been passed down from her and she tells EVERYONE, they take after their grandma

My mother will make huge drama of some ailments. If they are mild she takes to her bed and we get a running commentary of every cough and temperature change. She will run to the doctor at every opportunity. But if something possibly serious is discovered she is very cagey about it and drip feeds information to various members of the family. Perhaps she wants us to worry about her and compare notes? She has twice, now, been diagnosed as pre-diabetic but then apparently had a blood test for something else which revealed the previous blood test was wrong. I would not be at all surprised if she is pre-diabetic, or even fully diabetic but I can't be doing with all the waffle. Either she chooses to tell me or she doesn't. And I refuse to be her food police.

I am in agreement with ailments thing.

My mother actually seems envious of the relationships I have with my own children ( now 22 and 24).
DS and I share the same sense of humour and can spend hours in deep conversation about philosphy and history. We cook together and love going out for a curry.
I meet with my DD regularly to try out new restaurants - and we are just back from a holiday in the canaries- just the two of us. My DD loves going on holiday with me, although she also goes abroad with her friends, it is a really special thing, and I am so happy that she seeks out my company.

A few weeks ago my mother said to me " I hope you realise how lucky you are to have adult children that want to spend time with you"

Mother- nothing about that situation is "luck".

@speakout That gives me so much hope that you have such an amazing relationship with your DC now they’re adults. It’s one of my biggest fears (them hating me in adult years and being estranged).

I really need all the wisdom in how you achieve this 😅

I am no parenting expert- although I did learn a lot from my mother about how to parent.
Treating children with dignity and respect is core for me.
If we model respect then we are respected.
Children will make mistakes as they grow, and sometimes get it wrong.
Showing children how to make amends when things go wrong.
Keep honest communication open.
Don't use your kids as a dumping ground for your own issues- they are kids, not your therapist, pet or best friend.