Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

When I think of my Mother I think of this song.
It's got me through many a long sad night.
Have a listen, it's the tenderest gentlest thing.
Be prepared to weep though.

Sinead o Connor: This is to Mother You:

This is to mother you
This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you, too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn't do
Which is to mother you
All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the wrong things you have done
I will take from you when I come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss, yes
I will give you tenderness
For child I am so glad I found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you
And
I'm here to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

That made me cry!

@SilverLiningPlaybook ah. sorry. I hope it felt cathartic?
There have been times I've felt very low. I've found myself playing it quietly like a lullaby to help me get (back) to sleep. Her voice is so very gentle & loving.

I have been thinking of Sinéad o Connor since her tragic dead yesterday. She did have a bad mother like all of us. I do feel her pain, she could never get over it, I wonder if it is actually possible.
Thanks for sharing her song @SilverLiningPlaybook . So moving.

I agree that song is very moving.

I do believe that we can heal.
It may not be easy or quick, and the healing itself can be painful, but I truly think it can be done.
Becoming aware and recognising our wounds is a huge step in the process.
Knowing how our childhood trauma has set us up to use maladaptive mechanisms is helpful too.
Many of us have CPTSD, issues with relating or trusting others, feel shame, anxiety or depression, use destructive ways of masking pain, eating, drinking, smoking, shopping.
We judge ourselves harshly instead of compassionately.

We can heal, we can change, but hard to do alone, a good therapist can help guide us., and we can give ourselves the best opportunity to heal by being compassionate to our bodies and minds.

Thank you for this.
Yes I think you are right. Its our own choice to move forward, we only live once
I know I have to make the decision to seek professional help. I just dread to let all my past and emotions out.

I don't know if this happens to other people here. She pops in my head all the time. Is like an unwanted thought that I hate when appears and can't get rid of it. Sometimes is her image. Her face expressions. Memories of her. Sometimes recent ugly conversations/ arguments. I go for shorts runs and enjoy it, its very good for my head. There are always a few instances she is there, like a through I don't want to have.
I try to change this and leave it aside but she comes back to my head over an over. I hate it.

girlswillbegirls I understand your fears about therapy, visiting parts within us that we try to push down, too painful to think about.

A good therapist will understand this and only work at a pace and level that you are comfortable with.
You can discuss your fears before the process- you can set the boundaries together.

A therapist will help untangle at your pace, and also seek to tie things up a little towards the end of the session each time, so you leave feeling settled.

I have been doing intense psychotherapy over the past 18 months- and the results for me are totally life changing.

I also know I need therapy but just can’t face it. I think it would just be too draining.

I understand.
The time has to be right for you and in a mindset that is ready for therapy.

I am rather late to therapy in my life, but feel I reached a point of "now or never", having enough hopefully healthy years ahead to live differently.

And perhaps seeking therapy earlier in my life would not have been so effective, my time for healing is right now, not before.

I just wanted to let others know that therapy can work, that pain during the process can be minimised.

In my therapy discussion is not so much centred around past events and specific painful times as the modes and mechanisms of thinking and feeling that have lingered and not serving me well.
No "reliving" painful moments, although some are needed to set the scene, but I rarely even talk about my mother in therapy now, the deconstructing and support is about me- not her.

Many thanks for explaining this speakout.
The posts I read here are now my only therapy and I have to say it's so good for me.
I feel for the first time validated.
Nobody can understand unless you experienced a similar situation and I don't know anyone IRL who did.
Hoping to be brave enough one day to start a proper therapy. My next step is to read a book about it (many good recommendations here). But even that would be a step for me. Thank you so much again speakout xx

girlswillbegirls I am no expert in therapy, can only give my experience of how therapy has worked for me.

I know there are many different types of therapy too, probably some types will be better for another individual.

Yesterday I had a situation at home with my mother, which may have been triggering to me in the past, yet I was able to stay calm and regulated.

I had a washing machine repair man visit, from the moment he came into the house my mother was all over him like a rash.
She watched him work as I watched her fawn.

" Oh wow look how strong you are pulling out the washing machine"

" Your wife is so lucky having someone like you around to fix things"

" You must be so clever to know where all these wires go".

She kept this up for 45minutes.
I watched with detachment, even some amusement, seeing how she fawns and the effect it has.

As the repair man left he said " You are so lucky to have such a nice Mum".

I rolled my eyes.

How little he knew.

Your mother sounds like mine to a tee. She love bombs everyone when she first meets them, especially if they have a penis.
I got sick of people telling me "How lucky you are to have such a lovely mum"
Yeah right, you want to hear what the old witch said about you soon as you were out of earshot

Very similar here too. I often get "your mum is so lovely, she does so much for others." I just smile politely and say nothing. I know well that if you dared to challenge - or even slightly dare to disagree with - her religious views, the "kindness" would very abruptly, almost violently, cease.

A few other people have seen it, but they are very much in the minority.

It's frustrating, isn't it?

Fortunately, More and more of the family are finally seeing it because as she ages and without my dad there to placate her she is showing her real side more and more. The mask is slipping.

About half of the family have either cut her off or gone low contact now. I,m currently NC because of her behavior during my DDs wedding. Despite trying to head her off at the pass, she made the weekend about her wants and needs and caused loads of stress. (fortunately, me and her aunt managed to shield DD from most of it) Life is peaceful at the minute and I,m enjoying it

Mine is the same. All the love bombing. And the lack of boundaries when she first meets someone.
And how whatever is white today will be black tomorrow. And if you point out she said it was white before she will forever deny it.

I really like this thing you said speakout:
I watched with detachment, even some amusement, seeing how she fawns and the effect it has.

I think that's exactly what I aim to achieve one day. Being able to watch her from the outside, detached from her. See how ridiculous she is/ behaves and let it go. Not to let it affect me.

Im every family event my mother always desperately tries to be the centre of attention and I cannot think an exception to this, reseesewhithoutspoon. I'm sorry for your DD. My NM also tried to ruin my own wedding. x

This, unusually, is something I haven’t experienced. Mine doesn’t lovebomb people so much as wait for them to lovebomb her. She always seems to think that tradespeople, for example, will be so grateful to have the privilege of working for her that they’ll bow and doff their cap. It’s all very Upstairs, Downstairs.

All of these posts resonate with me. DM made sure every major life event (uni place which I ended up turning down, wedding, arrival of DC) were ruined - no happiness, no support, nothing. At best I received mumbled barbs or lack of acknowledgement and at worse, absolute vitriol - things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. She doesn’t to it to my sibling though. She’s still doing it and I feel like the guilt foisted on me for everything means I can never see an end to it.

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams - my DM was the same. She would sit there all haughty and expectant and when the fuss didn't materialise she would go off on a rant. She treated anyone doing anything remotely service, including her family as below her.

I still just hate her. I don't suppose I've healed but it's better than being upset.

@Barbarolo same here. All my major events: graduations from school and uni, my wedding, my kids being born, first job, getting a better job...nothing and I mean nothing was ever celebrated or even acknowledged with a smile. My wedding was a nightmare with my mother around. I stopped sharing anything remotely important a long time ago.

I have such an amount of bad memories they were crippling me and I decided it needed to stop.
I started creating a list of good memories, little instances I felt happy as a child or young person. I write it down and I'm making a list. I'm every single one of them she is not present. ie. Things like I remember receiving a letter in the post from a cousin I really like when I was small, and remembering the excitement of opening the letter. Things like that. I wrote a list and it's growing and growing.
It is very effective. I feel happier now and suddenly my past feels better. I didn't have therapy but this is actually hughly therapeutical.

Try to replace bad memories. Don't give any more time to bad memories your mother created. She is not worth your time.

i feel physically sick my son has custody of our 12 year old granddaughter and i her grandmother and her grandfather help as a combined family to make her home life as happy as we can her mother however is a nasissistic jealous evil person she has my granddaughter every other weekend and every other week in the hollidays it’s devastating everytime she has been with her mum she says shes so happy to be home comes home looking bedraggled unclean and a little underfed but she throws tantrums all the time looks at me like im the horrible one and one minute coming for a cuddle and the next pushes us away but her mother somehow manages to ruin hollidays xmas when she comes home on boxing day after being with her mum we go through the tantrums again i know she loves us unconditionally and us her when she was six i started a recovery club where we could share all our problems and she said her head was feeling like it was about to explode it came out her mum was saying terrible things about daddy she wote it all in a book and through the book away she felt refreshed and happy like a weight had been lifted
shes now 12 but it never ends she has a cousin she sees at her moms whom she loves shes 10 but her mother is allways talking about the cousin like she gets more attention than daughter so daughter is crying out for attention mum is working on her gone all lovey toward her on her phone i feel that mum has little triggers for her like the other day when she said dont forget to educate them as she was leaving her mums there are so many things it would take to long to explain but we wont give up we will keep our loving patient home for her and try to help her overcome all this but we are full of worry

yes by the way grandaughter is doing a photo album with my son she has put her mums photo in shows her mum and granddaughter when she was a toddler we said how lovely that photo is but really we hate her for what she’s doing but whatever makes our granddaughter happy

Does anyone have this strange guilt thing too? I have some horrific memories, so many I’ve posted on here, but there were times when my late mother could be, or appear to be really kind and thoughtful to me.
I then think, was I too judgmental, was she really that bad, have I just made her into a monster in my mind? Was everyone else right about her and is just it me that actually got it wrong?
I’ve even asked my DH and adult DCs to reassure me that I wasn’t at fault and that I didn’t imagine her behaviour or was over sensitive. Even when they fully support me, I just can’t shake this feeling of being the one who maybe should been a better daughter.

Yes, I can definitely relate to this.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas I totally relate too.
My mother is very skilled at playing the poor wounded kitten. I watch many people fall for it.

Yep mine too. Tbh I don't think I had a bad childhood for the time period. She was never neglectful in that we were always fed, clean clothes, she took us out regularly to the park, read bedtime stories etc. she was involved with the school in primary. She did smack fairly regularly, that was her go to punishment, but then every other child I knew got a smack for being 'naughty'. It was the 70's so not uncommon
As long as we did as we were told, didn't answer back, didn't show her up in public, she could be ok
The issues started once we started becoming independent.

Still not speaking to the witch and she is currently lashing out by dripping poison in the ears of relatives. Playing the victim even though she was the one who caused all the issues at the wedding, no one is buying it though so at the moment she is escalating. I'm expecting the 'medical crisis ' any day, she hasn't used it up to now