Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

@Nicola101177 can totally empathise - I’m also ‘cold’, because I don’t respond to her emotional blackmail any more 🙃

I wonder if yours is also the same as mine in that she genuinely sees herself as this ‘wonderful’ woman whose just ‘so caring and lovely’

@Nicola101177 maybe she does see herself like that, I find it hard to tell, really. She certainly likes relaying things that other people have said about her, like when someone at work called her ‘a shining light’ 🤷🏻‍♀️ I also remember her talking to work/volunteering acquaintances on the phone when I was younger and her always calling them ‘my dear’, which sounded so jarring, because she never called us anything like that.

Mine definitely sees herself like that. It’s easy to present yourself in a certain way if people never get the chance to see behind the curtain.

Yep. Mine has stories she tells herself about herself, she likes to paint herself as this heroic, super resilient, ‘just really caring loving’ devoted mother and grandmother. Yet when I asked would eye like to come to mine one night a week for tea years ago she said she did t want to ‘commit to that‘ 😂😂😂she also would regularly‘forget’ to call to see her grandchildren of something more interesting popped up or she could t be bothered…so they’re sitting there waiting for grandma and she just doesn’t turn up - then next time they see her they’re love bombed and showered with gifts and craft stuff and they think she’s amazing

My DM was never loving or huggy like some of yours. She was always completely cold or cruel.

But she too thought she was an amazing, beautiful woman, people had said so. Always with the people, never anyone named so it could be checked. Not one of these "people" including the many men and friends she put before me helped her when my parents divorced or came to her funeral.

I don't mean loving as in loving you. I mean putting their arms out in an ostentatious display of "loving".

I'm the same, I can't cope with stress. I also get the rage and hope I'm not repeating the same patterns. I'm not sure if my mother was narcissistic, she was definitely difficult but my grandmother was, and my father was. Father definitely was as he thinks he is the best thing ever. My grandmother saw one of the younger women in her neighbourhood as tarty (not sure if that was the exact word) because she had boyfriends and GM was not particularly nice about her when she got ill with cervical cancer years afterward and blamed it on that. Honestly, who thinks like that? My mother was under her thumb. I don't want to end up like them and worry that I am. I had a weird upbringing, I'm chronically ill and I worry that I'm not a good parent as I don't have the time and patience with my children that I should. One of my children has suspected ADHD and I'm finding it so hard to be patient. I'm NC with parents and my GM died years ago. It is a relief to be free.

Mine also have generational trauma. My GM was difficult. My GM also didn't have a great childhood, she was the middle child and wasn't encouraged to do the things she wanted like going into an academic job. She was competitive with her younger sister who had a rich husband. I don't know how much of it was awful, or how much of it was her viewing it that way. She always spoke about her childhood, never mentioned her husband. She always talked about how many men she could have married too. My mother always said she was the beautiful one of the three sisters, I couldn't see the difference and think she was indoctrinated into GM's way of thinking. My mother is a complete mess, silent treatment, not really there. My father's side, his parents were abusive and his brother was the golden child.

Has anyone else had the situation where the parent either says you are amazing at something or terrible? DF tended to do this. I'm not amazing at anything. I'm average at everything 😂. Not a problem, someone has to be average.

Yes I get that too.To my mother I am a heartless angry monster, but she will switch -sometimes when she watches me package stuff for the post office for my online business.Then she will say I have an "amazing brain", swiftly followed up by " but that's because of your father's genes- you would be nowhere with out them"She doesn't even want me to claim my own success, apparently I am only successful because of my father who died over 30 years ago.

My mother is a mess too- I can see her huge anxiety- every day, she goes from zero to a hundred in seconds over something like misplacing her reading glasses. Such anxiety is often the symptom of underlying issues, I have gently suggested that she seeks some help for her anxiety, speak to her GP, maybe learning CBT or anxiety reducing tools- but she is deeply insulted if I mention it.
" Oh yes you would love that, the van coming around to lock me up with the crazy people, yes I am crazy, that's me!"Just another thing in the massive list that I can't talk about.Very insulting too, as I have had counselling, as have my OH and our DS who struggles with MH .
But there is no way on earth I would even tell my mother any of my personal business.

Mine is nowhere near as bad as a lot of the mum's on here, but I went through something really traumatic that she had also experienced and she wasn't there for me. I've only just realised how damaged my family is. They weren't always awful, but they were all damaged.

I'm sorry you have to cope with that @speakout. I don't know how you manage to cope with her.

Threads like this help, and my other wonderful family, my OH, DD and DS.
I have come to realise that although my mother is a narcissist in general, she directs most of her venom to me.
It has been hard to come to the conclusion that she despises me, but I know she does. She also used her sister as a target for her venom, before she passed.
I watch as my mother bundles up all her negativity and attributes, some real, some imagined, and in her mind I wear that putrid cloak.
I was taught bad lessons as a child, make myself small, always agree with men, be quiet, don't talk back, feel shame, do as you are told, be kind. All this even if it hurts inside.
My growth was hard, I was easy meat as a young adult, and fell into the clutches of controlling abusive men, and found the tools I had been given of no use as I was battered and worse.
Thankfully I had my own children late, and into my healing process.
I also found a partner who respected my power, loved me being outspoken, wanted to hear my voice even if he disagreed with me.

So even now my mother drapes me with the features and attributes she hates.
She mistakes my assertiveness for anger, she thinks my plain talking is insulting. She sees my self care as self centredness. She is confused why my adult children seek out my company and choose to spend time with me, come on holiday with me, have lunch, see shows, and have Netflix evenings under a blanket with a secret hot water bottle and maltesers. Even though my youngest is 22.
She tells me that my children don't "know me" as she does, and if they did they wouldn't think so much of me. That somehow I have "duped" them, into thinking I have a good heart, but she can see the " real" me.
The sad thing is that what she sees is simply a reflection of her own fears and sadness. She uses me as a coatpeg to hang all her discomfort, externalising any responsibility for her disordered and chaotic maladaptations. She is stuck, any idea of growth is alien to her, so instead she outsources all the jagged pieces of herself to me. Thankfully my family see that too.
Ultimately her loss- but she doesn't even see that.

You could be describing my mother apart from what your mother says about your children. My mother despises my daughter too, as she is lumped into the same category as me in her mind. I don’t understand why I am chosen to project all her unprocessed crap onto. I could never ever live with my mother. I can barely tolerate her for short periods. I don’t know how you do it without going insane.

Here too. Speakout’s description strikes so many chords. Solidarity to you all.

Yes, yes, yes.

I was called ‘cruel, hard and over confident’ when I stood up to her and wouldn’t play the games, be submissive or tell her what she wanted to hear. I spent too much of my childhood terrified and kowtowed by her, not knowing from hour to hour what the ‘emotional rules’ were because they could change at any moment, depending on her mood. Once I found my voice as an adult, like so many bullies she reverted to victim mode “I just want to feel loved by you” was one of her often repeated phrases along with the miraculous on/off tears she could produce at will. She could then turn from the weeping victim into vicious spiteful ‘rattlesnake’ in seconds. She could never get that I couldn’t just dismiss the history and damage between us and pretend none of it happened. As I’ve said before, if I referred to it or attempted to remind her, I was either ‘making it up or imagined it’

There is no doubt she suffered from high anxiety herself, and like your NM clearly needed help, but she despised anyone with MH issues perceiving them as weak and lacking resilience. She would refer to those seeking help or counselling as going to the ‘cuckoo club’ or the ‘lunatic asylum’ and almost believed mental illness was catching. If ever any of her transient friends had any emotional issues, she would drop them like a hot potato and gossip about them to others.

Rattlesnake is the perfect description, alas.

My DM hated anyone with mental health issues. Some of her brothers had poor mental health and she thought it was attention seeking and she was jealous of the attention they got. They were really sweet men.

She was cruel about anyone with mental health issues thinking they were weak and used it as an excuse.

She had poor mental health as well but refused to accept it. Yet sometimes she would play up to it if she had an audience. Her over riding character though was a narcissist.

Unlike alot if the DMs here there was no generational trauma (apart from her to me).

Maybe the main problem with her was she was weak.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas I was called ‘cruel, hard and over confident’
That is exactly how my mother views me.

And yes to tha attitude on mental health issues. There are two close family members that struggle with depression- my mother is scathing towards them. She uses herself as an example and will often say " they just need to think happy thoughts- look at me,Ijust think nice thoughts".
But I see a troubled woman. My mother has high anxiety, including a very high startle response, she will literally scream.

And usually happens if I am in a place she doesn't expect. She may walk into the kitchen and I am making a tea, if she hasn't noticed at first she will jump out of her skin and scream at the top of her voice, accusing me of " jumping out at her", even though I have just been standing waiting for the kettle to boil. She suffers uncontrolled hypertension, and has said several times that it is my fault, I have caused her high blood pressure because I am so cruel..

I am about to attend the first of a new block of counselling today, I had some last year and it was life changing. It is with the same therapist, so we can dive deep from the start. I am a little nervous, because it can be hard and upsetting, and often tears, but I know it will help heal me..
Wish me luck!

I’ll be with you in spirit! I promise this isn’t in anyway patronising you, but I’m truly proud that you are attending counselling and confronting the issues. I don’t feel quite ready, although I think I need to too, but I have found and know just by reading this thread, I have taken another step forward in the healing process. Realising others know exactly what I mean and have experienced a NM makes a massive difference to my own MH. My DH and DCs have always believed me and had seen her in action first hand, but they weren’t there when I was a child alone with her and that’s the part of me that needs mending - if that makes sense?

The highly strung thing, startle thing with her is spot on too. We always had this ‘shrieking’ and over dramatisation of any scenario. I always put it down to another ‘look at me’ opportunity. Unfortunately, outsiders used to run to her aid if we were in public and she loved the attention. She used to tell everyone she had a heart condition - she didn’t, but she also had high BP - and regularly used to complain of chest pains, feeling faint and a thumping in her chest, which are classic anxiety symptoms. She had so many people convinced that she was ‘ill’ she used to get all sorts of favours and jobs done free by concerned neighbours and friends. There was nothing wrong with her whatsoever.

The ultimate irony was she was physically as strong as an ox until her mid eighties and what eventually got her was rapid dementia - something she was so unkind and cruel about in others.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas thankyou for your support- you are in no way patronising.
Healing your past self/inner child is absolutely a big part of healing, and one my therapist leads me through.
I work with her and also on my own through shadow work, guided meditation, visualisation to meet with my child self at a time when she was shamed, sad, afraid, and was in need of comfort.
I can go through memories and turn up to comfort, affirm, love and support my past self, giving her good mother energy.
It maybe sounds a little "woo", but our limbic system has no concept of time, we can heal past wounds. That healing then manifests to present day- I call it time travel !
It has been really effecttive for me.
Like you sharing has been important too, and this thread is amazing.
There has always been a part of me that feels like a bad daughter because of my feelings towards my mother, especially when she behaves like a wounded kitten to others.
Talking therapy is not for everyone, and I know it sounds daunting, but a therapist will only work at a pace and depth that you are comfortable with.
You can even talk about your fears of doing deep dives, we squirrel things away for our own safety and comfort, but you can move slowly in small bite sized chunks so the process is nnot overwhelming.
You don't have to pull out everything for a therapist either, you may not feel comfortable discussing certain areas, and that will be respected.
Having said that I am feeling some anxiety about my appointment today, and plan a short meditation in the next couple of hours to calm myself.

I’ll also be with you in spirit, speakout. I very much want to undertake therapy, but still have a feeling of ‘not yet’ about it. I hope your session goes well.

is anyone else still struggling with Mother’s Day? I’m NC with my ‘D’M, only the 2nd year of NC and I still feel awful when any occasion (birthday/Xmas/Mother’s Day etc) comes around as that lack of buying her something makes me feel sick to my stomach. My DC are very young and still see her on occasion (facilitated by my DH) when she last visited she turned up 20 minutes late, stayed for less than an hour and because she was so rushed my DC didn’t get to give her a card they’d made for Mother’s Day, it’s still sat there making me feel sick when I see it, she’s not asked since when she can see the kids (she goes months without contact with them). My DF who cheated and divorced my DM a few years ago hates how I’m NC with her, mentions it every time I see him how it’s not fair on her, life’s too short etc.. yet happily left her and divorced her so doesn’t really have a leg to stand on (I’m low contact with him) yet still makes me feel like the worst person through it- his affair partner also gets involved in the “life’s too short, have your mum in your life, she loves you!”

I just get it from every angle unfortunately. My DS’s 3rd birthday is coming up and I’m wanting to throw a little party for him but the thought of the drama and the comments from family (aunts, uncles, GF, DF etc) is making me want to leave it all and not do what should be a nice little party 😭

Any advice?

Yeiscray you are not alone.
Does everyone have to attend your son's party?
When my kids were young and had little parties I made it clear they were children's parties, adult visitors will be welcome for short visits on that weekend.
You don't have to have a party as such either, I would take my child and a few friends to a children's farm or soft play, have a packed lunch or mcdonalds.

My mother has a big birthday this summer- and I know the children of a recently passed friennd of my mother's want to take her for a surprise birthday lunch.
My daughter ( 22) wants me to turn the lunch into a surprise party for her, inviting her friends, church buddies, cousins from different cities, getting family from abroad to make videos to play, music, cake etc.
I am sure my mother would love it, being the centre of attention, queen bee for the day.
My daughter keeps pushing me to get things organised, but I have zero interest in facilitating such an event.
I can feel my anxiety rise when I think about it, the idea of keeping up a jolly front, fake smiles, fake hugs is actually quite distressing.