Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

I’m thinking about this more and more too. I can see different perspectives to it, I guess - my DF was a victim of my NM’s emotional manipulation and rages and silent treatment too. But he was also our parent, we were unable to defend ourselves or make sense of the fact that one of our primary caregivers and probably the key person in our lives was treating us the way she did. I wish he’d stood up to her, but for whatever reason, he wasn’t able to, and he didn’t, that’s the long and the short of it.

It’s persisted as well, when NM was being particularly awful, our dad wanted us to commit to weekly facetimes with her and go to their house once a month, when we wanted to put boundaries in place and have some brain-space away from her. I think it would’ve made things easier for him, but again, he was the parent in the situation. I got lots of messages from him saying my mum ‘needed the support of her eldest daughter’. It’s taken me a long time to understand that it’s not my responsibility to manage her emotions, especially not around perfectly normal parts of me growing up and becoming an adult, like moving for work or spending time with my DP/DH.

I often wonder how much of our self esteem and general wellbeing could’ve been salvaged by having just one of our parents in our corner.

DF once said to me how funny I’d been as a baby/small toddler, and then how he noticed me change, quote ‘as soon as [I] became aware of outside influences’. Which is a v formal way of saying when I became aware that my mother’s love wasn’t unconditional etc, I suppose. So he noticed that change in his child from the age of 12 or so months, 30 years ago, and yet did nothing to protect them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, that’s the heart of it for me. I recognise that he was a victim of her bullying and rage too, but he failed me as a parent.

I am reading these posts with tears in my eyes. I feel for you amazing women who have had to live through such shameful parenting, there is no excuse, and many of us are still living with and working through this legacy of venom.

Again yes to father facilitators, and having a mother who feels so threatened by other women that she has to insult, ridicule and put down others- including their own daughters.
The patterns of behaviour are so alike, so many common themes that we recognise in our narc mothers. Narc mothers who having such fragile self esteem themselves that they want to tear down those they see as a threat. Including their own children, those mothers who are so oblivous to the damage they have caused and continue to cause.
I have long long given up any idea of a resolution with my own mother, my energies are on my own healing and being the best mum I can to my own adult children. Although it may be helpful if my mother were able to reflect on her own actions, but I know that is not even possible- that's her shit to sort out.

Althoug this thread is heartbreaking it is also inspiring to read, how so many of you have recognised the situation, and especially those who have chosen to be a better parent themselves
This thread is so full of courage and love, validation and empowerment.
Amazing things happen when women support each other and build each other up instead of tearing down.
My mother and other narc mothers will never see that, never come to know the strength that can be created when women love.

It's their loss. They lead a sad life- they are fundamentally cowardly, with ice in their hearts.

Happy International Woman's Day everyone- be proud for making it this far X

You articulate it so well, speakout. Happy IWD to you, too.

Happy IWD, @speakout and totally agree about all the brave women here supporting each other. Peace and strength to you all.

Happy International Women's day to all!
Love your last post @speakout

@Nicola101177 it’s great to hear you’re a runner too (and a v talented one at that!). It’s taken me ages, literally years, not to beat myself up about going slowly or ‘being rubbish’. I used to drag myself out because I knew that afterwards I’d feel the benefit, but I actually enjoy it now. For a while though, it was another ‘you’re not good enough’ stick to beat myself with, which isn’t very helpful.

Really interesting that that common theme of NMs’ attitudes towards men raises its head again in your post as well. Well done for your HM 😊

Another runner here, I feel great afterwards but I am not that good. But I'm happy with myself! @RenewableNewt never think you aren't good enough! @Nicola101177 that's very very impressive. Shocking that your mother was not even aware you are running at that level until the day at the marathon.

I made the mistake to tell my parents last year I was participating in a race. It was important for me and was training for it to do it in x time (only a challenge for me). Even though I talked enthusiastically about it a few times, they never ever asked once for the race. She recently said: "are you still doing that running?" I said yes. She said, "everyone knows it's very bad for you. You will be cripple at my age. I am very healthy and don't need to do any of that" (which is far from the truth).
I always wonder why she needs to put me and others down. Every. Single. Time.

PS: No matter how rubbish I am, my kids are so encouraging. Kids really learn about being happy by trying your best. Highly recommend it!

I have nothing but total admiration for people who run- well done, whether you are fast, slow or even nhalf walk - its all incredible!
I do yoga most days- 5 classes a week and yoga at home one day.
Thrown into the mix is my mother's religion- her and my ysister believe yoga to be "demonic".

My mother has no idea I have been doing yoga for decades- I daren't tell her.

@girlswillbegirls ha the old ‘exercise is bad for you’ line. I got that multiple times as a child. I was really overweight as a child and terrible at sports so it’s difficult for some people to accept this is how I am now. Well done to everyone getting themselves out there for their own well-being. It’s a great outlet for ‘all the stuff’.

@girlswillbegirls it’s a whole level of nonsense being shamed for going running/doing exercise/keeping yourself well isn’t it? So many layers of wrong there. What must go on in their heads?

I had some moderate success as a tennis player at secondary school. Not a big deal but I was excited to talk to her about it. All NM could say was, “You don’t want to be all brawn and no brain”
Because of course, all successful sportspeople are muscle bound thickies!

Yep. I got “there’s no money in sport”, told I wouldn’t want to keep swimming as a teenager (I was very good) as I’d get big shoulders, and boys wouldn’t be interested in girls who smelled of chlorine.

one of the girls at our club went to the Olympics. All I heard was bitching about the fact that she missed a lot of school, and that she’d never beat the Russians. She’d never get anywhere in life without an education, going to the Olympics wouldn’t do anything for you if you didn’t get a medal, and what would she do afterwards. She’s doing very well- went to uni, has a great job and does motivational speaking on the side.

despite discouraging exercise i was expected to stay thin though 🙄. Always the issue about “eating well” and finishing everything on my plate, but not too well as that was just greedy and no wonder I was fat (I wasn’t).

@Nicola101177 100 per cent, it's a whole level of nonsense!
As a child I had zero encouragement to do any sport. Or activity. Anything to boost your self steem. If I did anything at all was because the hours suit my mother to leave me at school for a bit longer. But anything you dream doing was discouraged with "you won't be good enough, and have you noticed how clumsy you are?"

And then she would compare me with other kids who won competitions and say: "you see, she is so good at x, she makes her parents proud". Because it was all about how everything reflects on her at the end of the day.
Such a contradiction.

My mother should write a book titled "How not to parent from A to Z". Seriously 😂

@girlswillbegirls my mum/parents barely encouraged us to do extracurricular activities at all either. I did some flute lessons at about 8 years old and it’s still trotted out now as a hilarious story about how crap I was - like a PP, it’s a story I’ve told myself, because I was so in the mindset of putting myself down. I remember liking ballet lessons when I was maybe 5-6, because I went on a Saturday with my friend, but mum stopped taking me because she didn’t like the other mums.

I remember an ex-boyfriend’s mum asking me ‘what do you do in your spare time?’ And I had no answer really, because we just weren’t encouraged to have hobbies. Schoolwork was everything.

It was only as an adult that I’ve started to develop hobbies and learn what I actually enjoy (and am good at!). They really don’t seem to understand enjoyment though, do they?

Mine could contribute a chapter to that book (although she wouldn’t, because she thinks she’s a marvellous parent!)

All my efforts toward sport have always been scoffed at, as I lack talent for it and so do it for health rather than to win trophies. She likes to say that she was a tennis player of almost Wimbledon standard, but who knows what the truth of that is.

My NM hates my hobby (horses!). I remember her shouting at me ‘you’ll never have a pony, over my dead body’ when I was around 11 - I remember bursting into tears.
As an adult I brought one and all I get now is ‘you’re obsessed, you don’t have to go every day you know’.
She never wants to talk about him, and does lots of huffing and puffing and eye rolls whenever I mention him.
So bizarre !

Argh. Mine disparages my hobbies too. I make things (vague). She recently asked about my current project, so I told her, whereupon she snorted “Why bother? You could buy one for a pound”. I very definitely couldn’t buy one for a pound and, even if I could, wouldn’t have had the satisfaction of making it.

Why can't these mothers accept that we may enjoy different things- and support us.
My mother( covert narc) seeks every opportunity to make herself a martyr, pull others " down a peg or two" and criticises other women " who does she think she is".
Latest is my mother seeing me wearing rubber gloves to wash up some pots.
Comment- "I never wear rubber gloves- whats the point- you know you will never be miss world- you think too much of yourself".
It's as if me wearing rubber gloves annoys her somehow, or gives her an opportunity to prove how selfless she is.

My wife and I got married after been together ten years. The week before the wedding we made a list of "batshit crazy drama, figtree's mum will pull off at the wedding".. She ticked every box. She's dead now, can't say I miss her.

Comment- "I never wear rubber gloves- whats the point- you know you will never be miss world- you think too much of yourself"

This is s perfect example. Anything they don't personally do is an offense and has to suffer a direct attack "you will never be miss wold". Its bonkers.

Agree re. hobbies. They don't understand enjoyment, fulfilment or even wish to experience it.

Yes to the above. Also anything you do or do not do, ever, is about them. I once made an off-hand comment about my own (short) hair looking a mess and my mum was immediately offended that I thought her hair (in a totally different style) looked a mess. 🤨

Also the time I was having a conversation with my DSis on one side of the room and touched the end of my nose as I was thinking about something - DM shouted across the room
in front of my gran who was also there ‘WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY NOSE?!’ It’s really baffling.

‘WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY NOSE?!’ It’s really baffling.

I can relate to this.
My mother's hearing is bad- she has a hearing aid, but refuses to wear it ( no one has anything she wants to hear apparently)

I look on our conversations like the ink blot personality test- like this

Me- " Did you manage to get an appointment at the hairdresser"
Mother- " Why do you always want to talk about my sister ( bad relationship)"
Me- " No, not your sister, I said hairdresser"
Mother- " She was a nasty person and treated me badly- and now you want to talk about her".
Me- " No Mum, I was asking about your hair cut"
Mother- "You do this all the time- why do you always bring her up in conversation"
Me- "Fine"