Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

She also looked after my two year old for a short period whilst I tried to go back to work. Very resentfully. My child was selectively mute for two years afterwards. Draw your own conclusions:

JohnPrescottsPyjamas absolutely. These narc mothers are handmaidens of the patriarchy. Tearing other women down- including their own daughters supports the existing structure.
I would suggest Bethany Webster on youtube- lots of in depth talk regarding the mother wound and patriarchy.

It’s bizarre and my dad wasn’t even the ‘problem’ parent he was the one I felt safe with. I was about ten. I cried and then told his friends sister (we were staying with them at the time) so then I got wrong for showing him up as it was ‘just a joke’ obv. I also have a small scar on my arm from where one of my parents once put their cigarette out on my arm. I remember it happening but actually can’t remember who did it. I have physically blocked it out. But I remember my arm being on the arm of an armchair and which ever parent was sat there stubbed their cigarette on my arm. What a lovely childhood memory

My son got a Lego cruise ship for Christmas a few years ago, he was in the lounge with his 2 cousins and his younger cousin started to cry because he wouldn't let her open the box (with these things if you lose 1 peice it can make it impossible to do) I went in to sort them all out and I took the cruise ship upstaires telling me son we would leave it till we get home so no peices get lost. As I came back down the stairs my mum smacked my sons bum for being selfish. I could have throttled her. She wouldn't dare lay a finger on him again

Might I add I told her that I don't hit my children so she sure as hell dosnt either, she scoffed said I was being sensitive and then tried to play it off by saying well I didn't know it was such an issue 😳

as if you have to be told not to hit a child family or not.

OMG, this gives me shivers just thinking about it - truly awful to experience it, I’m so sorry.

I can only think, but not justify, the narc love of drama. If something had happened, she would have made it all about her, because that’s what they do. Before they were old enough speak out, my DCs would suddenly scream in pain or distress when she was in the vicinity. I never caught her but I always had a suspicion there was a sly slap or pinch happening. She’d always look wide eyed at me and pretend to be the concerned grandmother usually with the words, “I didn’t touch them!” Interesting response. She would also hide their favourite teddies/comforters knowing it would cause an upset and when they were mysteriously found in strange places she was quick to say that DCs must have hidden them themselves. Just nasty and spiteful.

Also I agree with the above poster who said theyre friends all thought their mum was really nice and cool, my mum gives off that impression too.

And I don't know if anyone can relate but my mum would give 100% effort and affection to her boyfriend of the week. But if she couldn't be arsed she wouldn't feed us. That happened often. She'd get angry if we asked for dinner. And tell us to sleep if we were hungry. She had food in she was just too busy on online dating sites to be arsed to make us dinner

It's so nice to have a place to vent these things, I find if you say it to someone who had a nice normal family they can't relate and it makes them uncomfortable

@LittlemissMama67 Today 19:40

Wow these mums really are insecure aren't they, only way to feel good is too bring their daughters down, I wonder how they treat They're Sons as I'm assuming most of us in this thread are female

My brother can do no wrong. He has always been the golden child. She would often say "why can't you be more like your brother".

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas my mother's the same. She was so proud of my brothers career choice, mine was sniggered at. I worked full time, but according to her the home and children were my responsibility.

It's interesting. I can relate with @Wheresthecheese with my mother and her lack of safety around kids. My theory is that they are too preoccupied with themselves to look after anyone else properly, too self centered.

I remember one time she left my then 2 year old DD by herself with a window wide open
(they live in an apartment, so it's very high). Both myself and DH saw it at the same time, and were shocked. She was in a different room and said she needed to get dressed but "she was keeping on her". That was the last time I left small children with her.

I do still remember when small she left me at home by myself in the morning, probably to go to the shops and not be bothered with a child. That was before I started school. I don't know how I remember but I do. I was petrified of being alone and would cry until she came back. I remember not being able to move and staying in the same spot the whole time.

It's truly heartbreaking to read these stories.
The idea that others see a side of our mothers that is friendly, engaging and kind while we get a raw deal makes it even harder.
Because others judge us- I see the glances and quizzical looks towards me if my mother is doing her sweet old lady thing and I am not joining in with the fawning. It seems that I am the cold nasty one, my poor mother having such an ungrateful brat as a child.

Again yes to the personal safety thing.
I was a street runner from the age of three, my mother would let me out with a group of kids who would roam. Some were older, but in no way responsible. The groups would split up, different kids wouuld join, sometimes I was alone or with my next door neighbour the same age as me.
We would end up very far from home, in homes of adults I didn't know, be set to work by older kids picking up cigarette butts off the street for them to smoke- or broken glass- just for their kicks.
I remember being lost several times with no idea how to get home.
I have asked my mother about personal safety- especially when my children were small.
Depending on the day my mother would flat out deny these things happened or laugh and make a comment like " well you survived didn't you- you have nothing to complain about"

My mother also doesn't believe in careers for women. Doesn't think equal pay is fair ( women are weaker and more stupid). She would never visit a female doctor, dentist or even hairdresser.

girlswillbegirls ·
My theory is that they are too preoccupied with themselves to look after anyone else properly, too self centered.

I think that is the case. Like most narcs they are unable to consider a situation from any other perspective except their own.

I think you’re absolutely right about the self centred thing. That’s the crux of it. I remember another time when we were in holiday with them. We had walked up a hill together. She charged ahead, leaving us to struggle up with young children. When we reached the top, she was sitting eating an ice cream.
Entirely focused on herself.

I also have the experience of other people thinking I’m a bit of a bitch around her. She will do the simpering lovely old lady act too. They think I’m an indifferent daughter. I hardly ever visit her and currently am NC due to her latest bout of spiteful behaviour.

It's just so sad isn't it- that someone can be so self absorbed that children are endangered.
I have so many stories of my mother putting my children in danger.
I remember being in a fruit shop with my mother and youngest child- DD was walking but only just- so maybe 13/14 months old.
My mother picked up a whole cherry and gave it to my DD.
I didn't know and turned around to see my DD turning blue and gagging. I picked her up and hit her between the shoulder blades and the cherry came flying out.
My DD had eaten cherries before, but I would remove the stone and crush or cut them.
Slightly terrifying, but my mother was laughing so hard. I gave her a blank look and she told me to "lighten up- no damage done".
WTAF mother!

I actually do wonder if it’s an intelligence thing. Are they just not very bright? Too stupid to see the danger?

One of the things my mum does is that she is pretty much incapable of listening to anyone. There's a running joke in our family that my mum will do this. But it's actually so annoying. You'll be talking to her about something and she will change the subject to be about her. I'll give an example of a conversation.

me: yeah so I've finally got an appointment for my daughter I've been waiting ages for

mum: do you like me dress? I just got it.

me: yeah it's nice, anyway so as I was saying her appointment is next week and I'm so relieved she's been waiting months for this

me: do you like my hair? I've just been to get it done again 💁🏼‍♀️

it's so infuriating. My daughter is 2.5 and has some medical conditions autism/ epilepsy and she was always so interested in her untill I voiced by concerns that about her conditions and now she shows her very little interest. It's so sad to see it's like she can't be arsed with her anymore. Last time I went to mums my daughter was playing in the litter tray I noticed and went mental and mum was like what's the issue I've cleaned it out. 🤦🏼‍♀️ She's either that dumb or just has no concern for her.

Its very frustrating because as a mum who cares very deeply for her children (probably why she can't relate) who has a child with complex needs I sometimes feel as though I need someone to talk too about these things and I'd have better engagement talking to a brick wall. It'd be less frustrating anyway.

it's hard with my mum because she's okay sometimes but she's very very self centered. She will drag her heels if you ask for her
help. But will help her friends and their children at a drop of a hat. But her kids ask it's really inconvenient. Once I asked her to pick me up from work 10 minutes down the road and she said no, citing she was knackered. It was 6pm

only to find out later at 7 she went 35miles to pick up her friends daughter from the train station the second she called to ask. 🫠🫠

These mothers love creating drama. My DM would incite drama, upset or arguments and then wail she had had enough.

My DM would claim that she would do anything for anyone but she didn't. And if she did she would complain about it afterwards for months. She always thought she was being taken advantage of. She would criticise her friends for wanting to help their own DC.

She never once, ever helped me. No matter how awful anything was, no help, no follow up, nothing.

She would like about the most vilest of things to get back at me if for example, I wasn't in when she called around without warning.

I sought that women's approval for decades. In the end I just shut down.

All I wanted was a mother. I was envious of my friends mothers like you all.

Oh God yes! My mother does this. She will help friends but not me. I know not to ask for anything as she will just say no. Or be very grudging. I think it’s that she wants lots of praise for her selflessness. She won’t get that from me as I know nothing she does is selfless. There always has to be a pay off for her .
When my father was alive she would make a big show of playing with the grandchildren when he was in the room. As soon as he left the room the act would drop and she’d just stop. It’s all a performance.

I can relate to every word of this. It’s just heart breaking.

I have a much closer relationship with my partners mum. She's lovely and my
mum gets quite snippy about it. If we go anywhere and she'll ask who has the kids and I'll say my partners mum and she'll make a face. My partners mum came to the hospital to visit as only one person was allowed after I had my last baby. She didn't like that. And I mentioned we're going abroad next year and she was like who with? And I listed my partners family. You could see the anger on her face. But I have no sympathy. You can't treat your kids like garbage for 28 years and expect them to be your best friend. I always find myself very low energy when I'm around my mum. Always come home feeling down my partner has noticed it. She kind of sucks the energy out of me.

one thing she did that always kind of remind me she isn't there for me is when I was younger and I left my DV relationship. I had a 5 month old baby. And after another beating he stormed out the house. I decided this was my chance and called my mum. It was the only place I could go. I called her and explained what had been going and could me and my baby come and stay with her for a bit. She sighed and said well I haven't got much room. I said I was happy to sleep on the sofa I just couldn't stay there anymore and she was not happy but eventually said yes. My stepdad came to get me and I was made to feel like such a burden for months. She kept asking if I was sure I couldn't patCh things up with him. I was like no mum he plays his Xbox day in day out drinks Stella and comes looking for me to rag about when he loses on his game. I'm not safe there and neither is my son. She made me feel so guilty for taking over her house. She put my belongings in a tent in the garden and eventually I went back for 2 weeks because she made being with her so awful. 2 weeks later I called begging to come back and again was met with the same sigh and omg reallly? It can't be that bad.

I had bruises in the shape of his hand on my arms. Bruises on my neck. Half my
clothes were ripped from his grabbing me. I looked like death and she was just concerned about baby stuff messing up her decor

LittlemissMama67 what a dreadful experience- I am glad you were brave enough to make the break from your abusive OH.

It's sad to see many of us choose abusive, possible narc partners- it's what we have learned as children to expect from others.
In my early 20s I was abused by my OH, I would regularly have bruises, a black eye, burst lip. I turned to my mother for help she told me I had to learn how not to annoy people, and I must have pushed him too far, he will probably be feeling bad. No practical or emotional support at all.

i think there's some truth in that, we don't purposefully choose badly but we find comfort in those bad traits because they're normalised. On my first date with my sons dad he literally said the sentence I'm the most selfish person I've ever met. Talking about himself. How that wasn't a raging red flag. I must have thought. Hmm nah I think my mum has that trophy. Oh no he was most deffinetly the most selfish person I've ever met. At least he didn't lie 😂

Yep me too. I’ve been referred to as ‘the miserable one’. I remember being about 9 shopping in town - I must have done something wrong to set her off as I was getting a load of abuse as we walked along. I was on the verge of tears. Then we bumped into her friend and I remember so clearly how she switched personality. All bright mega watt smiles and look at us out shopping. I obv couldn’t just switch on a smile as I was trying not to cry. When the friend walked away the abuse started times ten ‘how dare you show me up like that you miserable little witch I was so embarrassed you didn’t even smile for my friend’ etc. I can remember being little wondering if everyone had ‘two faces’ and one was literally the mask they put on when they saw someone that wasn’t in their ‘family unit’ - that’s literally how I was conditioned I thought everyone did that and that I was weird because I couldn’t/didn’t have that mask.
then these women wonder why we don’t have a ‘wonderful’ mother daughter relationship. I’m lucky live finally given up ‘the hope’ after decades….and got very very very LC. I’ll give you three guesses whose playing the poor victim card now….

I used to get upset because my mum would never involve me in anything, she'd plan days out with my sisters and not me. I once called her to see what she was doing, when I was a single mum sat at home bored with my little boy wanting to get out and enjoy the sunshine. She said she was going to the local country park. I said oh can me and mum son come and she was like oh not sure it was Jane's idea.. her friend. I was like??? It's a country park it's not invite only. And she was like hmm. I'll have to ask Jane. I was like do you know what forget it we're clearly not welcome. I used to wonder why she treated me that way. Now I realise it's because I'm the only one who can see through her and calls her out on her behaviour. Now my younger sister has started to call her out she suddenly gets invited to less and less and is treated like an outsider:

my sisters birthdays are both in June, my mum had my middle sisters birthday off because that's the way the shifts panned out. My sister made plans for her birthday that involved her mum because mum had said she was off, closer to the time. My mum was like oh I'm not off I switched days to be off for our youngest sisters birthday instead. How unbelievably wrong is that. I swear she thinks we're dolls with no feelings