Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Nicola101177 I have seen that "switch" too.

My mother was in the living room when I walked in, she immediately smiled, outstretched her arms and said " Hi lovely one, how is your day". She had thought it was my adult daughter - the moment she saw it was me the smile left her face, arms dropped and she said " Oh it's you".
Her whole demeanor changed in a split second.

Another thing is the over use of the word “love”

”I’m only doing this because I love you”
”I love you more than life itself”
”No one loves you more than me”
”Do you love me?”
”You never tell me you love me”
”Most daughters tell their mothers they love them”

It was almost like using the word ‘love’ was her get out of jail card and excused her bad behaviour.
I tried to explain to her on many occasions that when you love someone, you don’t actually have to keep telling them, they know by the way you treat them and/or make them feel - but she just didn’t get it. She always wanted me to tell her endlessly that I loved her but I could never say it, a) because it was untrue and would have been totally insincere and - maybe I was the cruel one - b) because I didn’t want to allow her to feel that I was somehow saying everything was all right and acceptable and therefore normalising our relationship.
She used to point out other mother/daughter relationships and use them as an example of the way she wanted to be treated but just couldn’t see that their dynamics were absolutely nothing like ours.

To the best of my recollection, mine has told me she loves me only twice in my lifetime. On both occasions it was an attempt at emotional blackmail. I couldn’t believe her because her behaviour towards me shows the opposite.

My mum always does that too, as I child I got no affection, never hugged or kissed or told I was loved. Now as an adult she always says love you when we hang up a call, or hugs me and kisses me on the cheek when we leave each other in person, I say a sort of half arsed love you too. On the phone and always just stand there and don't reciprocate the affection because it's not authentic. It's her trying to make me forget years of Mis treatment by being fake nice now. I'm not gonna buy into it.

also when I was kid, she'd always come and sit on my bed after she'd beaten the shit out of me and I was sobbing and tell me to stop crying and try and make me feel bad for her because her hand hurts from beating me 😳

she'd then hit me somewhere else, so if she'd slapped f out of my legs and bum she'd hit my arm and say well your legs aren't hurting now are they and laugh as if I was supposed to laugh.

she'd always say you don't know how good you've got it I got the belt. I genuinely think she thought she wasn't abusing us because to her her abuse was less than what she got.

generational trauma at its finest.

Me and my sister were arguing when I was 14 and she was 10 she told us to take our pants down and get over her knee. Up untill this point this was pretty normal. But I was 14 there was no chance I was taking my pants down and getting over my mums knee. So said no. And she looked absolutely bewildered that I would dare to say no to being abused.

Quite right!

These narcs are typical bullies too. When you stand up to them - though as the a child of one, you’re usually too intimidated or too indoctrinated to - they are pathetic. Once I was an adult and left her sphere of influence, I was at least free of the physical threats. However, what she did do ----was change her tack, by adopting the victim role, starting the emotional manipulation, the guilt tripping, the gaslighting and the trivialising of the abuse.

What has stunned me is how similar all these (mostly) women are. The pattern of behaviour, the tactics they use and the fixations on their daughters’ hair, clothes and weight. Combined with their almost universal need to be seen by outsiders as the perfect example of mother/womanhood and their absolute confidence that they are universally attractive and desired by any man.

Weird.

That's very true, in my DV relationship my narc ex would beat me quite regularly and I never stood up for myself one day I was holding my baby with my back against the wardrobe while he was verbally abusing me. He ran towards me fists clenched and instinctively to protect my baby I lifted my leg and kicked him in the stomach onto the bed. Crazy strength that came from nowhere. He sulked and kept saying I can't believe you kicked me. I was like are you kidding ne? You were going to punch me while I was holding my baby, and you've been beating me up continuously for months and you're bewildered by the one time I stood up for myself 🙄

I do hope you got away from him and are safe and happy now.

Oh god yes, I left him and took my son with me when my son was 5 months old. My son is 8 next week so this was a long time ago now. I'm engaged to a lovely man with 2 lovely daughters now.

That’s so great to hear!

Hi everyone.
When I read your posts it's so incredibly familiar is like you are talking directly about my mother. Someone questioned if there is lack of intellence on their part. Sometimes I do think the same. The huge lack of self awareness they have is shocking.
For the past few months I mechanically go through the motions when I speak to her or I have to see her. I try not to take anything she says, not to react. I spent years and years trying to talk to her, wasting a lot of my energy and permanently feeling in a horrible rollecosater. I finally realised in my 40s there is nothing I can do. And knowing its not me and its outside my control gives me some peace.
I feel really bad writing this but I have the fear I won't feel anything when she dies. I am always since childhood so let down and on the edge I think I'm totally done with her. I need to live my life.
Sending you all love.

I think there's definitely a lack of emotional maturity. But I feel my mums issues stems from an inability to view me as a person in my own right and an adult.
In her head she is THE MOTHER and I am the child and mothers control their kids and tell them what to do, so when you refuse to do what she wants or believes is the correct way, then its viewed as criticism and a personal affront to her and she takes it as a personal attack.
She just doesn't know how to interact as an adult on equal terms.

And yes I often wonder whether I will be upset when she dies, because I do still visit her out of duty, but I feel nothing towards her, no warm feelings, she irritates me and I,m counting the seconds until I can leave. I visit with a pre planned reason to leave to limit the time I,m there.

@reesewithoutaspoon "I feel my mums issues stems from an inability to view me as a person in my own right and an adult".

This is so true. There is no real conversation because you are there only to follow what she thinks. If you don't agree the drama starts so the only way to interact for me is to say very little. As you say in the next post, I only visit out of duty with a preplanned conversation. And I count every minute to leave.
I feel such a relief when my calls/ visit is over I can't even explain.

As other posters mentioned before, I am so glad about my good relationship with my children. It has been the most healing aspect in all this. It's like having an opportunity to live family life as I would have liked.

Again, I recognise so much of this. For mine, it’s very much about obedience and she still expects people (and especially her middle-aged offspring) to obey her edicts, however unreasonable those edicts are. The irony here, though, is that I mostly have done (often against my better judgement) but remain the scapegoat, whilst the golden child rarely has, yet is still golden.

From my experience when my DM died I felt nothing but anger. Ive never missed her because there was nothing to miss. I don't have one nice memory.

My mother never viewed me as a child even when I was. She made me parent her. Occasionally when I was an adult she would try to tell me what to do and got angry when I said no. But I didn't need a mother when I was 40 and a mother myself.

Wondering about the death of my mother is one of the things that contributed to my decision to seek therapy. I feared a huge guilt reaction and wanted to work through some of the issues now, while she is still alive. That said, I went into therapy expecting that I would feel only relief when she dies although a considerable amount of guilt that I really long for that day. I now have less guilt about my longing and am still convinced I will be at most relieved when the day comes. I now think it will probably be a bit of an anti-climax, which is good because I have given her too much head space thus far. I don't want to keep doing so after she's gone.

Haven't seen mine for 15 years, last spoke a few years ago when someone gave her our new unlisted number and new address. Thanks NHS for leaking that. We get the odd letter card OH used to read and bin them. Now I just bin them. She sent me some policy to pay for her funeral. I've filled it.

My brother had a nervous breakdown a few years ago all down to her, although he's been NC longer than me. I'll feel nothing when she's gone.

One funny thing a couple of years ago she sent old photos of the family. Her looking beautiful glamour shots and me with my short hair hacked about by her as a child. God I looked awful in them.

I remember my cousin's at Christmas in pretty clothes with patent shoes and me in dreary wool dresses far too long with ugly shoes.

When I finally had the money to buy pretty clothes Saturday and holiday job. I came home one day and she had cut them up with scissors and strewn them everywhere.

No I won't grieve

It’s my daughters bday today. I couldn’t invite my mother to our birthday tea at home as she’s caused scenes and so much stress for me at the last two birthdays. We have agreed plans for her to take my daughter for tea instead. A card arrived today via post for my daughter. It’s A4 in size. A4. It’s now literally dominating the rest of the cards, taking up all the space. It’s really amused me. It’s like she couldn’t be there to dominate the space so she’s sending a card to dominate the mantelpiece instead. Honestly it’s so blatantly textbook narc it’s really made me laugh.

I’m sorry for the harm done to all of you here.
I an in a position were we are having to live with my mum in my childhood home at the present. It’s been very difficult as we moved back here after 15 years in another country. We had a difficult time moving back, and it hasn’t got any easier. When / if we sell our old home in the other country we might be able to get a place of our own, but I’ll still be stuck with the duty visits every day and the passive aggression.

I sympathise. My mother lives with me.
She is elderly and becoming a little frail.
I have encouraged her to sign up to lots of local activities for seniors and she has joined a church, so she picked up and out most days.
When she is home she naps a lot. Her hearing is bad but she won't wear her hearing aid- that is a blessing.

@Nicola101177 **

We have agreed plans for her to take my daughter for tea instead.

Can I ask why you've agreed to do this? Is your daughter old enough to deal with her grandmother's behaviour?

This is a VERY good question and something I have felt hugely uncomfortable about and had posted about on another forum looking for advice. DDs are 6&9.
Basically I said to NM after she asked to see DD for her birthday, that you can come to see DD on Xx at xxx (two days after her birthday) at our house (a time that worked for us and that I’d be out) She didnt acknowledge or reply to that text at all. Next thing I know she’d seen my husband in school playground (she picks my niece up) and says ‘can I take them all (niece, youngest DD and other DD) to (well known fast food place) for tea on Friday instead?. Husband is fairly well trained so says I’ll need to check I’ll let you know. So he tells me this two days later…. 😂 and I say a reluctant yes okay to him in conversation initially (he was all for it) then a few hours later say actually I’ve thought about it and it’s a no. Because: She’s 1) not even had the courtesy to reply to me then gone directly to you to make other plans and 2) it’s another example of how she can’t just respect a boundary, she always has to push it, give an inch she’ll be back making my life hell in no time. But he saw it differently. He saw it as easy tea for kids no school pick up for him (she also wanted to pick all three kids up together from school) and also avoiding having her at our house as he feels ick around her.
Anyway this has caused friction between us this week and last night after the card thing….I said look, look what she’s done….we’re fighting, again. She’s not even respected me enough to reply to my message and offer to visit, she’s gone directly to you to make completely different plans…..and now she’s not even here at the birthday tea but she’s sent this fkng massive card (which will have been about a tenner) to make sure she’s still noticed. She’s a lunatic and I feel like no one is listening to me etc and the penny dropped and he’s agreed he’s backing me up and she just comes here for a visit under supervised circumstances. Phew. But it’s like this all the time with her. Has been for years. Micro manipulation and constant drama hence finally going very LC and the way we’re heading it’ll be NC soon as even the slightest contact turns into an absolute farce

It's funny you mention the big card because I never thought about that before 🤔

my sisters ex could have written the narc handbook, he spoke to her like a price of shit on his shoe, he didn't respect her, he made her feel stupid 100% of the time bloody hell she couldn't even pick up some washing detergent from the shop without calling him to confirm what scent he liked because gaureenteed whatever she picked would be wrong and she'd be the dumbest person alive.

but every occasion that warranted a card he'd always get her one of those massive a3 like clownish sized jumbo cards, and fill it with writing, total love bombing.

but even in that he was tearing her down. So he'd stick in photos with a paragraph under each one but there would always be a snide comment like a picture of her in the hospital holding their daughter and underneath it would say;

im so proud of how well you did bringing our daughter into the world even if you did cave and get the pethadin you little wimp 😉

and then a picture of them at the zoo and it would say; we had such a great day this day, untill a certain stupid idiot got us lost on the way home, that's you!

and it seems like it's all in good fun, but
if you know him in person you can see the intent behind it, he could never just give her a sincere compliment. Fuck me he screamed at her outside the house minutes before they got engaged. They'd gone out for dinner and me and my mum had gone into the house and set it all up with balloon and flowers and rose petals and a scavenger hunt that ended with a ring. All his idea and he asked us to do it. When they got home me and my mum were hiding down the street waiting for them to come home. And we could hear him screaming at her. We were wtf?? Half hour later she called us saying she was engaged and we acted surprised. Couple weeks later I told her we were waiting down the street and asked why he was screaming at her and she was like oh it was nothing I just took ages leaving the restaurant. He shouted at her the whole way home from the restaurant for taking to long in the toilet before they left. Then went home and proposed??? Make it make sense

She was also quite young when all this went down, about 20 and she put the ring on the wrong finger and he posted it online. When someone pointed out in the comments it wasn't on the correct hand. He went nuts.

he was a nut job. Now he's making some other poor girls life miserable