Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

1000 replies

01Name · 20/09/2022 13:55

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

OP posts:
Wheresthecheese · 27/01/2023 15:31

anaconda1831 · 25/01/2023 21:37

the insults and then the ‘you’re just never able to laugh at yourself’

I got told’ you’re over sensitive’, ‘you’re paranoid’. It makes you doubt that your own memories and perceptions are correct.

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 15:31

Also when I got upset that she wasn't home for my son, she played it off like it wasn't a big deal and said oh relax I'll be home in 10 minutes.

when I got upset she'd taken him in a shop, she laughed at me and said it wasn't irrelevant because they didn't get covid and my children were fine. It's besides the point.

Nicola101177 · 27/01/2023 15:33

No need to apologise @WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams …she didn’t actually ruin it as I was conditioned/used to that I just shrugged it off. It’s evil looking back at it. Surprise surprise I’d married an abusive man so the marriage didn’t last long and so I got a second wedding where she was kept at arms length and was allowed nowhere near me or my hair 😂

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 15:36

It's hurts a bit when friends have such kind warm mothers and I can't relate. I used to always wish my friends mums were mine

Nicola101177 · 27/01/2023 15:38

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 15:36

It's hurts a bit when friends have such kind warm mothers and I can't relate. I used to always wish my friends mums were mine

I think this is something many (all)) of us can relate to - sending love

WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams · 27/01/2023 16:01

Thank you, cranarc. Those are exactly the things I’ve been pondering.

And I agree it hurts a bit when others have (as far as one can see) mothers who are warm and kind. My aunt was lovely. I used to look at how she behaved towards my cousin and wish we could swap places.

reesewithoutaspoon · 27/01/2023 17:16

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 15:36

It's hurts a bit when friends have such kind warm mothers and I can't relate. I used to always wish my friends mums were mine

Ironic that all my friends used to say your mum is so nice, such a laugh, etc etc. because she was the master of putting it on for other people. Everything revolved around others' perceptions of her.
So if people visited our house she would be fussing over them, giving them cakes/sweeties, praising them, and couldn't do enough for them. It was like living with Jekyll and hyde and made you doubt your own sanity.

My mother is fine with you if you 'need' her. what she can't cope with is people having opinions that differ from hers or being independent and doing things their own way.
She deliberately undermined how I was trying to raise my kids at every opportunity, giving them baby rice before I was ready to wean, constantly undermining breastfeeding you get the picture, one of those mothers who if you say you don't want them to have chocolate would make a point of giving them it and crowing about how they were fine and she had raised 3 kids and they were all ok. every difference of opinion was taken as a personal attack on her.

But I was stuck being dependent on her for childcare as I had recently separated and was doing my training that would lead to my independence. Any time I asked her not to, she would just say "If you don't like it then I won't pick them up from school anymore"

IclimbedSnowdon · 27/01/2023 19:02

@LittlemissMama67 my mother did the hair thing. She'd pull and tug away and if I cried out I'd get hit, usually with the brush. I remember this happening when I was about 10, she hit me on the back of my head so hard I passed out.

@reesewithoutaspoon My mother is fine with you if you 'need' her. what she can't cope with is people having opinions that differ from hers or being independent and doing things their own way.
You're talking about my mother! As a child, and teen I never questioned anything my mother said. I suppose I was frightened of her. Our fall outs began when I married and had children. She also has words with my adult children when she feels they're not doing things her way. They visit infrequently because of this.

My friends always thought my mum was lovely, she has this front she shows to friends and neighbours, but for those closest to her, my father included (he was an unassuming kindly person. She was always yelling at me how like my father I was.) we'd see another personality altogether.

I'm close to my children, have had holidays together, see a show, we enjoy spending time together. I always felt my mother disapproved of our relationship, jealousy maybe?
It's very sad reading this thread, but has helped knowing I'm not alone...

Montague22 · 27/01/2023 19:19

LittlemissMama67 · 26/01/2023 21:11

My mum threw the house phone at my face because she enraged that my friend kept calling the night before picture day, it burst my lip and she got angry at me weeks later when my photos proofs came home and I looked disfigured, she screamed at me saying why the f have you made that stupid ugly face?? Erm because you bust my lip 🤔

she would brush our hair so voilently then crack us over the head with the brush if we made a peep.

if I ever mention a memory from my childhood that makes her look bad she denies it ever happened and says I'm embellishing things to make her look bad

Oh yeah, burn me with a hot spoon and then tell me off for having any reaction 😕

Montague22 · 27/01/2023 19:26

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 15:18

It's such strange behaviour. When I was 20 I had my first baby. I was in a DV relationship at the time and had him and mum present at the birth. They're both narcissists so not exactly the support you'd hope for in such a situation. My mum kept telling me off for screaming. Made me apologise to the nurse for swearing. More concerned for the nurse than her daughter writhing around in pain. And I was in no way swearing at the midwife. Just swearing because I was in agony.

she told me to shut up when I told the midwife my waters had gone, which they and I had meconium. The buzzer was pressed and both of them were told to sit on the chairs, not move and not say a word.

she made fun of my sons name, and screamed at me for being less than inviting when she showed up unannounced at my house hours after I was discharged and just wanted to lay down and look at my baby. I had to let her in because she was causing a scene outside. A few years later when I had my second she assumed she was going to be a birth partner again. She didn't like it when I said I only wanted my partner. Luckily covid saw to that anyway

Oh god I’ve always said this one of the sickest things mine has done, tell me I better not make a fuss or noise in labour. Like how can you even have an opinion on someone else’s labour. I can’t, (but can), believe that yours did too.
I also bled once late in pregnancy and she had a go at me saying ‘what did you do?’

Montague22 · 27/01/2023 19:27

Nicola101177 · 27/01/2023 15:38

I think this is something many (all)) of us can relate to - sending love

I feel this, a lot.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 19:32

“Oh yeah, burn me with a hot spoon and then tell me off for having any reaction”
^
My dad did this one day. Out of nowhere, stood next to him while he was stirring a cup of tea and he put the hot spoon on my hand. Played it off as a joke. I must have been a teenager. I just remember wondering why?!

I agree with the thing about wishing you had the nice mum. I still feel jealous of friends relationship with their mums. I heavily dislike my mum.

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:35

reesewithoutaspoon · 27/01/2023 17:16

Ironic that all my friends used to say your mum is so nice, such a laugh, etc etc. because she was the master of putting it on for other people. Everything revolved around others' perceptions of her.
So if people visited our house she would be fussing over them, giving them cakes/sweeties, praising them, and couldn't do enough for them. It was like living with Jekyll and hyde and made you doubt your own sanity.

My mother is fine with you if you 'need' her. what she can't cope with is people having opinions that differ from hers or being independent and doing things their own way.
She deliberately undermined how I was trying to raise my kids at every opportunity, giving them baby rice before I was ready to wean, constantly undermining breastfeeding you get the picture, one of those mothers who if you say you don't want them to have chocolate would make a point of giving them it and crowing about how they were fine and she had raised 3 kids and they were all ok. every difference of opinion was taken as a personal attack on her.

But I was stuck being dependent on her for childcare as I had recently separated and was doing my training that would lead to my independence. Any time I asked her not to, she would just say "If you don't like it then I won't pick them up from school anymore"

My mum was like this, she invited to me a small town fete sort of thing when my son was 4 months old I took him with me, we were sitting on a blanket watching a music act and I went to the toilet leaving my son with my mum and her friend when I came back they were dipping my sons dummy in lager and putting it in his mouth I went bananas and she said I was causing a scene. I didn't talk to either of them all the way home, when I got home she gave me a dream catcher she's bought be at fete secretly knowing she'd pissed me off.

as if a dream catcher makes up for giving my newborn lager 🤬

speakout · 27/01/2023 19:38

I am left reeling with the similarities of experience. IclimbedSnowdon like you I am saddened, but feel validated in a way.
LittlemissMama67 I had the hairbrushing thing too- she would instruct me to have a hairbrushing often when she was angry or frustrated. She would rip through my ( curly and fine hair) tearing out clumps, all the time telling me that my hair looked like "rats tails" Even now visiting a hairdresser or having my hair touched is very triggering. Again on the healing side I have made a very conscious effort to treat my DDs hair with gentleness and speaking affirming words. Even just yesterday my DD ( 22 yo ICU nurse) asked me to braid her hair because - she finds it calming.
The whole commenting on body thing was hard for me too. When I was 12 or so I started developing hormonally, one of my breast buds started swelling before the other( I have since learned that is not unusual- and indeed things evened out in a year or so). I had little control over my clothes -had no loose or baggy clothes- my mother thought my uneven breasts were hilarious. In company she would bring up the topic of my breasts and have a giggle, point out my breasts calling me "one eyed jack" I had such a deep feeling of shame and embarrassement

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:40

Wow these mums really are insecure aren't they, only way to feel good is too bring their daughters down, I wonder how they treat They're Sons as I'm assuming most of us in this thread are female

Montague22 · 27/01/2023 19:41

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:40

Wow these mums really are insecure aren't they, only way to feel good is too bring their daughters down, I wonder how they treat They're Sons as I'm assuming most of us in this thread are female

Oh he was treated so well

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:49

I didn't have a brother we were 3 girls

Nicola101177 · 27/01/2023 19:49

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 19:32

“Oh yeah, burn me with a hot spoon and then tell me off for having any reaction”
^
My dad did this one day. Out of nowhere, stood next to him while he was stirring a cup of tea and he put the hot spoon on my hand. Played it off as a joke. I must have been a teenager. I just remember wondering why?!

I agree with the thing about wishing you had the nice mum. I still feel jealous of friends relationship with their mums. I heavily dislike my mum.

Omg my dad did exactly this too!

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:52

Nicola101177 · 27/01/2023 19:49

Omg my dad did exactly this too!

Wow can you imagine, I'd never purposefully hurt my children. That's sick

Montague22 · 27/01/2023 19:59

I’m glad you all think the hot spoon thing is sick cause it happened very regularly from black coffee. I was just saying to my dh ‘but was it just a joke?’ It was the sneer you’d get for flinching too though.

WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams · 27/01/2023 20:02

I didn’t know, until I read something on MN, that the dividing of children into scapegoat(s) and golden child(ren) is characteristic of narcissistic mothers. My unscientific observation (based on a tiny sample) is that, if there are boys and girls in the family, the scapegoat will always be a girl and the golden child will always be a boy.

Wheresthecheese · 27/01/2023 20:04

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:40

Wow these mums really are insecure aren't they, only way to feel good is too bring their daughters down, I wonder how they treat They're Sons as I'm assuming most of us in this thread are female

It’s hard though when your sister is treated completely differently. I was the black sheep: my sister can do no wrong.

Wheresthecheese · 27/01/2023 20:06

speakout · 27/01/2023 19:38

I am left reeling with the similarities of experience. IclimbedSnowdon like you I am saddened, but feel validated in a way.
LittlemissMama67 I had the hairbrushing thing too- she would instruct me to have a hairbrushing often when she was angry or frustrated. She would rip through my ( curly and fine hair) tearing out clumps, all the time telling me that my hair looked like "rats tails" Even now visiting a hairdresser or having my hair touched is very triggering. Again on the healing side I have made a very conscious effort to treat my DDs hair with gentleness and speaking affirming words. Even just yesterday my DD ( 22 yo ICU nurse) asked me to braid her hair because - she finds it calming.
The whole commenting on body thing was hard for me too. When I was 12 or so I started developing hormonally, one of my breast buds started swelling before the other( I have since learned that is not unusual- and indeed things evened out in a year or so). I had little control over my clothes -had no loose or baggy clothes- my mother thought my uneven breasts were hilarious. In company she would bring up the topic of my breasts and have a giggle, point out my breasts calling me "one eyed jack" I had such a deep feeling of shame and embarrassement

My father laughed at my developing breasts and got my mother to join in. How sick is that?

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 27/01/2023 20:07

LittlemissMama67 · 27/01/2023 19:40

Wow these mums really are insecure aren't they, only way to feel good is too bring their daughters down, I wonder how they treat They're Sons as I'm assuming most of us in this thread are female

I thought it was unique to my mother, but reading this thread has made me realise just misogynistic these narc women are. I was an only child so I don’t know how she would have reacted to a son, but there was always huge male bias thing going on.

A man has a career, a woman has a job. The only point of a woman going to university was to meet her future husband. A male opinion carries more weight and is more valid. Women who pursue a career and successful are ‘masculine’ and men don’t like ‘unfeminine’ women. Even if you both work, it’s a woman’s duty to run the home/ manage child care - men apparently worked much harder during their working day!
If anyone’s relationship broke up (she LOVED a good gossip about that one) it’s was usually the woman’s fault. If the man had cheated, it was because the woman “had let herself go” or clearly “hadn’t been a good wife.”
If the woman left it was because she was ungrateful and “didn’t know how lucky she was being with Mr X” And of course, you ALWAYS stay together for the sake of the children. She couldn’t never get the fact that one good parent is far healthier than two that hate each other.

Wheresthecheese · 27/01/2023 20:11

I find this really hard to post, but my mother once looked after my six month old son for a very brief time. She was in an outdoor barn and I had gone out to see to something for a few minutes. She placed him on a high ledge and walked off. It’s so horrific I still can hardly bear to think about it. I just don’t understand what she was thinking. Some part of her wanted to kill him. That is the only explanation I can think of.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.