Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. I hope this thread can continue the good work of the original. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here.

Yes, that’s what I meant when I said I try not to overdo it - even the kindest, most supportive partner has limits. I heard about the grey rock technique on MN and find that quite useful, too.

I also find it helpful to get stuck into practical jobs (in some ways I’m playing housekeeper) as that distracts from the verbal onslaught. It’s difficult. Good luck.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas Likewise like your mother, if she fell out with anyone, she was always the ‘victim’ She could never see the trend or the common denominator. Having said that, distant family thought she was wonderful; witty, fun, hard working and the perfect woman and often told me how lucky I was to have her as a mother!

Yes, I've been told so many times by friends, neighbours, and distant family members how lucky I am to have her!

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams Once again, there’s so much I recognise. Mine remains very volatile. One can be having what appears to be a calm, pleasant conversation (although always on a safe topic) then suddenly something will set her off and she’ll be snarling insults.

My mother is volatile with a capital V! Dh has always said a conversation with her is like walking on egg shells. He also said many years ago she'd mellow with age. He couldn't have been more wrong, she's got worse with age!

@Mummyongin don't make the same mistake as me. My mother had her first hip replacement several years ago. Being the only daughter I moved in to care for her following the op. If your mother is anything like mine, she will not allow you to 'care' for her. Mine wouldn't even allow me to prepare and cook meals without taking over and practically doing it all herself. Whatever I did was never good enough, and everything had to be done her way. She reduced me to tears by the end of the first day.
We hadn't really talked through what me staying with her would be like, and what help she expected from me. Maybe if we had I'd have found it a little easier, who knows?

I now wait for the call from my db (her golden child) to tell me she's died. I've already been told I'm not welcome at her funeral.
She's done her worst sending her letters, and cutting up pictures. Even so I dread the news but hope when it does happen, I can close that book and move on.

@IclimbedSnowdon ”@Mummyongin don't make the same mistake as me. My mother had her first hip replacement several years ago. Being the only daughter I moved in to care for her following the op. If your mother is anything like mine, she will not allow you to 'care' for her. Mine wouldn't even allow me to prepare and cook meals without taking over and practically doing it all herself. Whatever I did was never good enough, and everything had to be done her way. She reduced me to tears by the end of the first day.

We hadn't really talked through what me staying with her would be like, and what help she expected from me. Maybe if we had I'd have found it a little easier, who knows?”

This sounds exactly like what I’m fearing. She can never let anyone help her ever. I think I will try to have a conversation about what she imagines I could helpfully do. Thanks for this - and I’m sorry it went so badly for you.

The phrase “ Street Angel , House Devil “ sums up my mother.

I’ve never heard that expression before!

With mine it is not so much what she says but how she says it. Everything starts with a So and usually ends with a Really and is accompanied by a look ranging from mild disdain to complete contempt depending on the occasion. Eg I go on holiday I don’t get “did you enjoy your holiday ?” Like I would ask her, I get “so, I suppose you enjoyed your little Scottish adventures didn’t you”

That must be so wearing. With mine, there tends to be a lot of pursing of lips and bitter remarks.

My mum literally love bombs people she meets for the first time. overly friendly and can't do enough for them, so they all think she's wonderful.
This only lasts as long as they don't disagree with her and do everything she wants, soon as they see through the manipulation and sulks they become the worst people in the world.
I got sick of being told what a lovely mum I had and how lucky I was when it was so far from the reality

My mother likes to use the word ‘little’ all the time too. Your ‘little house’ , ‘your little garden’. As though I’m doing everything in a diminished fashion and not on the scale of other people.

She is either gushing and over the top with hundreds of emoji’s or she’s shouting at me in capitals in a huffy way via text. She also can’t tolerate anyone who disagrees with her or does anything a different way. She likes to patronise people and talk down to them , treating them as inferiors. She can also turn spiteful and nasty when challenged.

Yes I also get emails with the subject in all capitals and with multiple exclamation marks and everything is little makes me laugh I could win a Nobel
prize and it would be your little certificate

Ha! My house isn’t little, apparently, it’s just not very good (according to her). So that’s nice.

🤣

The sulks are the pits aren’t they? Can’t stand that kind of passive aggression. My mother wasn’t like that but I see it in other adults and I just think grow the fk up
you self righteous idiot

Talking about houses - mine likes to tell me (often!) how much she prayed for a nice house for me. So I can now thank her that I’ve got one.

And don’t talk to me about the endless silks and silences…..

Many thanks for this thread. I never ever commented about my own mother.
It's actually so hard to read your comments. Its literally the description of her.

She has no interest in my own ideas, she hardly knows what my job is about, what I like, what my kids like. She had no interest in what I liked while growing up, she wouldn't let me talk most times. Always walking on egg shells. So manipulative, volatile.

I feel my own children have saved me, I am building the childhood and teenage years I would have loved to have and its so rewarding.
It was so shit growing up. I remember so looking forward to leaving the family home one day. And I did and move to a foreign country. Never regreted my decision.
My kids say now they want to leave at home with us forever. So lovely to hear, I never felt that way while growing up. There is hope for healing.
(Apologies if I don't sound very clear my first language is not English).
Thanks for all your posts.

Oh yes! Praying for me was a regular one.

If I had a success or an achievement it was because her prayers had been answered, nothing to do with my efforts.

@MidnightConstellation My mother used the word “little” a lot because she either couldn’t be bothered to listen or was completely disinterested in anything I told her, and it wasn’t aged related - she always did it.
”Is that your little friend”
”What’s your little friend called?” Despite being told numerous times.
She would also refuse to use any of my boyfriend’s names which was actually quite amusing.
”is this your gentleman friend?”
”Will your gentleman friend be visiting?”

Oh God yes about the praying. We once bid on a house we really wanted and the offer was accepted even though it was well under the asking price. We took her out with us to celebrate. She spent the whole evening talking about herself, then said ‘You’ve got me to thank that you got the house. I prayed for you’.
Literally the whole evening the focus was on her, not on us and our celebration.

That’s so uncanny.

Yup. Another one… it was my birthday. She was staying with us at the time and I took her for lunch with my daughter. She couldn’t stand that the focus was on me. She sat in silence through the whole meal, her face tripping her.

My mother has sulking down to a fine art. She loves to be the centre of attention, and sulks when she feels she's not. You then get the abrupt one word answers when you try to involve her again. The annoying thing though is that only her immediate family witness this behaviour. To everyone else she is mrs wonderful.

wow this thread is full of familiar things!

I can't decide if I'm glad others have had this kind of shit mothering in their lives or thoroughly depressed that it's so common.

The "poor me I am so lonely never go anywhere but also so busy travelling to see people & do things that I'm exhausted" posts are particularly familiar!

My mother always always always took the side/favoured any friend over me & asked me why they were my friend when they were so clearly better than me. She still does this now with my husband "oh he's too good for you" or to him "oh how do you put up with her?"

Unsurprisingly I don't have many friends now & have learnt never to share any details about the ones I do have. Actually I've learnt never to share any details at all if possible as they are always thrown back at me at a later date.

Is this a my mother thing or a narcissist thing?

So relate to this!

Ugh. I feel like I want to get all these women in a room and they can all sit there with each other, arms folded, lips tight, staring self righteously into the middle distance, sulking, giving each other one word answers because no one is pandering to them.

"oh how do you put up with her?"

My mother says this to my OH constantly.

@Nicola101177 😂😂that would be hilarious