I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

More like stupid sliding door!🙄

Your DS did nothing wrong. It sounds like he was wondering why the stubborn door just wouldn't budge!

@SunnyD44 YOU are the one acting like a bitch. How dare you say to the OP that you ‘hope this isn’t real, poor kid’ like this is some mother going apeshit when her child didn’t turn the dishwasher on. She’s seriously upset and facing a huge unexpected bill - this is worrying no matter how the bill was incurred!

I can only assume you are a child yourself if you truly believe that because something was an accident then the other person doesn’t deserve to have an emotional response. What if someone accidentally bashed into your car because they were texting? Still an accident, right? You sound extraordinarily naïve, at best.

Not sure l could stay that angry at a 10 year old even if what he did was awful . Strange you won’t say what ? Why the omission …it might even be a warning to other mothers and something to keep an eye out for ? My son ran up hundreds of £££ of gaming bills which l had to pay, so l get the anger around the financial side, but he genuinely didn’t know that what he was playing cost money 🙄

Oh bless him!!! Right now it’s hard and he won’t comprehend the annoyance to you.
So sweet at his attempts to clean up.
Hope you can all laugh about this one day

Agree with this. He’s just a 10 yr old boy, he hasn’t had the life experience to know what to do in these situations, give him a bit of grace. Next time he will know what not to do.

Also OP, have you never broken something? Crashed/scraped your car? Lost your phone? Dropped your iPhone, smashing the screen? I know I have made countless expensive mistakes, but that’s exactly what they are- mistakes. I understand you’re concerned about the cost of replacing, but try and keep some perspective here. Honestly, he’s still a youngster.

Oh god this reminds me of being a teen…. I accidentally ran up a £600 phone bill phoning my boyfriend on his uk mobile (we lived abroad)

It would have been cheaper for my parents to have just paid childminder that summer

Thankfully they can laugh about it now 😂

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

She wants him to go to her mums because she can’t stand being around him because she’s so angry that he made a mistake - so yes poor kid.

I can’t see how you can think that is ok.

Of course I've had accidents and I've apologised and felt bad about it. I think what is likely to be upsetting the OP most about this is that he couldn't care less. We all get things wrong but we can't just say it's an accident and doesn't matter.

My kids are fine thanks and grew up knowing that if they destroyed something they needed to apologise and show some remorse.

Calling his mother a bitch is vile, she is upset. Maybe you've never been short of money and don't realise how devastating this is for her.

Whilst we are talking about apologies I think you should apologise for saying the OP is acting like a bitch, totally inappropriate.

Another one here who was expecting much worse from your reaction. Yes I'd be at first angry, but he's 10 and it did all sound accidental.

I have an 11 yr old son and this is the kind of thing he would do, ie a lack of common sense and life experience. I get why you are furious though, as I would be too. I think the thing that would bother me most though is that he doesn't get why it is a bad situation.... He does need to understand that, have time to reflect on it etc. And he does need to understand the consequences - ie to recoup the money you will have to cut back elsewhere, eg on weekend outings or whatever it is. It doesn't sound like any of it was intentional but he still needs to get the consequences.

Some accidents or mistakes I've made are some of the things I have felt worst about. Unintentionally causing hurt to other people is a horrible feeling and I would do my best to make it up to them.
I don't think a 10 year old should feel this to the extent of an adult, but at some point an inkling of this should be getting through and I can see why the OP is upset that he doesn't seem to care.
Being short of money is a real cause of stress and maybe makes somewhere react more strongly than they would if a mistake did not cost them anything. A bit more empathy would not go amiss here.

@MrsLighthouse the OP explained what the son did in a subsequent post , broke a door and burned a dressing gown in a holiday rental

I think it's fair enough to be upset and even angry with him. His reaction may be that he is embarrassed and ashamed, even if he is not showing it.

A few days at your Mum's sounds like a good idea for both of you and a continuation of no screens and expectations around helping and showing he is prepared to try to be responsible.

I couldn’t be that angry with him over that (having read your post where you’ve explained what he’s done). He’s somewhere unfamiliar, he didn’t know how the door opened and freaked out a bit and burnt a dressing gown by accident…. Hardly the crime of the century. I do understand about being upset about the money but these things happen. I feel sorry for him.

When I was 12 I broke my Grandads heirloom antique wooden bed that had been in the family for hundreds of years. I was upset about having to go home - we were staying with them in the USA- and I sort of had a bit of a cry and a tantrum and threw myself down a bit too hard on the bed and it basically cracked in half. My Mum was SO angry with me. She could barely look at me for days and days. I felt awful. I did behave like a bit of a brat but I didn’t mean to break the bed and I was just not very good at controlling myself. Thankfully and amazingly my Grandad saw the funny side and managed to fix it up almost as good as new….

I think sending him away for a few days because you can’t control your anger or even look at him is a bit extreme!!!!!!!!
he is a CHILD, he made a mistake. It wasn’t malicious or intended to hurt you or cost you money. Sounds to me like he was really trying, cleaned up the mess with a dressing gown (had nothing else to hand) and then knowing he needed to fix the wet dressing gown issue he maybe thought it would dry better being closer to the fire. Not being at home and not thinking about your rules around your fire at home he was just trying to sort the problem. What 10 year old would look at clothes drying and think ooh they look ready for folding now!!!! I’ll remove those clothes and make space on the airer to neatly hang my wet things!!!! 🙄

Calling his mother a bitch is vile, she is upset. Maybe you've never been short of money and don't realise how devastating this is for her.

Whilst we are talking about apologies I think you should apologise for saying the OP is acting like a bitch, totally inappropriate.

Firstly, I didn’t call anyone a bitch I said acting like a bitch. I won’t apologise for stating facts.

Secondly, my DD spent money on my phone which was for my rent and council tax - which is way worse than spending Christmas money months beforehand.
I was raging and very upset that our home was at risk - but not once did I think about removing her from my home or trying to make him feel guilty for making a mistake.

On my first day at my new job I broke a very expensive piece of equipment - everyone was lovely and said that it was an accident and to not worry about it.

Whats done is done and you do not hold a grudge because a 10 year old made a mistake.

He also needs to learn that is you get something wrong you apologise and saying it was an accident isn't the get out of jail card he seems to think it is

This thread has clearly got under my skin as a result of my ex husband being such a dick - but on the whole, children of that age go on the defensive if their parent is being unreasonable and frightening in their response. As mentioned above, it has taken me a long time to get my children to understand that if you make a mistake, you take responsibility, apologise, and try to put it right. They can only do this if they feel secure and know that the adult/s will respond accordingly and not unreasonably. When I was married, their instinct was to say "it wasn't me"/"it was an accident/not my fault", etc, etc, etc. They have subsequently learnt that it's okay to mess up so long as you acknowledge it and try to make amends. Adults can really help here by modelling this behaviour. It's not always easy to abide by this as a parent, but it's really important.

So the main part of the damage happened because a child felt panicked and trapped in an unfamiliar space? People don't break doors to escape shower rooms on a whim.

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you're in tears over the money and the dent in your glamping pride, not your child's behaviour. Fix your priorities.

Oh, and sending your child out of their home so you can have some space to tend to your emotional response? No.

Be. A. Parent.

Well he would get an orange, an apple and a few bloody walnuts for Christmas from me

And for the idiots says he did very little wrong my 8 year old would not be bashing a door to the point of smashing it. You're right to be upset

@CaitoftheCantii what exactly would you have had me done? I’d shown him how the shower worked, should o have stayed and watched him have a shower, with his little brother in the small bathroom too in case he forgot how the door opened? Again, he knows not to touch a log burner, ever. He has never in the past even considered touching the log burner and was in the tent for less than 10 minutes.

Unless I take both boys with me every time I go to the loo or need a shower, take both boys every time either of them needs the loo or a shower, keep both of them within arms reach whenever I am cooking, dressing, cleaning etc. then at some point accidents are going to happen. I’m not going to be made to feel like it was my fault that my kid did something bloody stupid that I was either actively telling him to stop or that I had already impressed upon him many, many times that he was never to do.

I know he didn’t do any of it on purpose so from his POV it was an accident but if he’d listened to me it would’ve been fine. I don’t have a temper, it’s not like he’d have been panicking that he’d be in trouble if he let me in and I saw it was wet in there. Wetness would have been easily dealt with. He kept smashing the door despite being able to hear me telling him to stop and let me in. It wasn’t that it was lose or fell out with a bit of a tap. From trying to put it back together again I could see he’d really booted it, repeatedly, as he’d completely bent the runners on the shower unit and bent off one whole side of the wheel bits of the runny that were attached to the shower screen.

At his age he should have known better. I don't blame you for being disheartened and angry.

Let him see how upset you are; don't shield him from it. Actions have consequences. If he hasn't apologized, I'd come up with a punishment. Stay in his room, no books, no nothing.

He won't die from having a skint Christmas.

@InPraiseOfBacchus he wasn’t trying to escape the room. He was on the outside of the shower unit trying to close the door as the water was spraying across the room. If he wanted to get out he could’ve unlocked the door like I was asking him to.

Does he generally not listen to you when you tell him to do/not do things? If he is tuning you out, that is something that needs to be addressed before he gets older/bigger.