I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

OP, I assumed from your first post that he did something truly awful. You're completely overreacting. Wanting to send him to his grandmother's because you can't stand to be around him... FFS...

@SunnyD44 what have I done that you consider to be acting like a bitch? I haven’t shouted or screamed at my child. I have taken away his iPad and sent him to his room to read for a couple of hours. He’s now at his grandma’s, I didn’t banish him from the house or anything. I spoke to my mum, told her what happened, she invited him over for a sleepover and he went quite happily.

but on the whole, children of that age go on the defensive if their parent is being unreasonable and frightening in their response.

I agree.

As an adult if someone was implying I did someone on purpose or getting annoyed because my response wasn’t emotional enough for them then I would get defensive too!

As a child if I broke something I wouldn’t even say sorry I would just run off crying.

My DD shuts down and does something later on to make up for it.
E.g she broke a glass and said ‘oops’ and then shut down and then later on asked me if she could do the washing up and cleaned her room without me asking.

Every single person makes mistakes.
Theres no need to guilt trip or shame them for it.

The OP has clearly stated that she wants her DS to stay with his gran because she is afraid she will say something inappropriate and or he will see her crying.
The advice to parents annoyed by their children’s behaviour (eg crying baby, whining child) is to put the child in another room etc — this is for the child’s safety and I cannot understand why posters feel this response is so terrible.
She says her boy will not regard a visit to gran as a punishment.
OP I understand you are at the end of your tether but just weather the storm and seek RL support. Things may turn out not so bad as you imagine.
Good luck

When I was a skint single parent, my son once ran up an enormous bill by going (a lot) over the data limit on my internet deal. It wasn't really his fault because he was only a kid and couldn't foresee the consequences, but consequences there were. He didn't get the Christmas present he wanted because I simply couldn't afford it. I explained to him that I wasn't being mean, there was simply no money. I think real life consequences teach life lessons far better than punishments do.

And I completely understand why you're so angry. He's put you in an awful situation and you can't even blame him or make him pay, because he's only a kid and doesn't understand. I would be (was) seething with frustration.

I’m not going to be made to feel like it was my fault that my kid did something bloody stupid that I was either actively telling him to stop or that I had already impressed upon him many, many times that he was never to do.

How ironic.

You don’t want it to feel like it’s your fault as that would be unfair, yet you want your son to feel like it’s his fault and feel bad about it even though he’s 10 and it was a mistake.

OP I understand your frustration, I come from a household where anger was an ok emotion to express, I think a lot of people on this site are quite gentle with their children
whereas I think it’s healthy to be angry and show your child how you’re feeling especially st this age. There’s nothing you or he can do to undo the problems unfortunately so please try and spend your energy on something positive now. Can you encourage your son to send an ‘‘I’m sorry’ card or gift? Can he get involved with fixing it himself or have you already left? Does he have pocket money? Perhaps take some of it. I think whatever consequence he receives should be accompanied by love and respect, please show him you accept and love him but you need help with solving the problem he created. I wouldn’t let it pass without consequence like some posters are suggesting but I would try not to keep guilting him or labelling him, just try move on and learn from it.

Sh$t happens
Mistakes happens
Costly accidents happen
He didnt plan it out
You cant punish him in december for this
take dome days put
Move on
He is a small child

While he might not think going to stay with his granny is a terrible ordeal and it's for the best if the OP thinks she's going to hurl abuse at him, let's not pretend that sending a 10 year old away for a couple of days unexpectedly is the same as leaving a screaming baby in another room while you go to calm down. It's not and he will remember his mum lost control.

I think it was a calamity of errors from a ten year old that doesn't think rationally like an adult an accident that's just very unfortunate. He hasn't done it on purpose and I think the second half was due to panic.

I feel for you I do, I've been there with my child causing a lot of damage to a car 'by accident' an accident that of course could have been prevented with a bit of thought , it ended up costing me quite a few £100 and I was so very upset but after the initial upset, of course rationally I knew it was an accident and had to move on.

@SunnyD44 I want him to apologise for destroying someone else’s property, nearly killing himself and his brother and being the reason that a family can no longer go on the holiday they planned, yes. Not just roll his eyes and say “it was an accident” because he knows that me having to scrimp and save for the next few months will have no impact on him as his dad will buy him everything he wants.

@Clymene he's gone to stay with his grandma, about 400m away, something that he does a few times a month anyway. I just need some space away from him for a few hours.

This

I get you must be feeling so gutted at all you have lost, but you're all still alive, no one died. He wasn't being malicious, he had a few accidents which probably happened because he was panicking. He's just a kid.

Please don't send him away, that would be an awful thing for you to do.

Sleep on it and have a really good chat with him tomorrow.

It’s shocking how many parents on here would not punish their children for causing damage to a rental property at 10 years old. No wonder when I moved to the UK I was shocked to find so many obnoxious, middle class snowflakes who have never had a consequence in their life time.

It is healthy to react this way, we don’t all have money to burn and children will survive from a little punishment.

When I read the OP, I thought he must have done something seriously terrible, life-threatening – grabbing the steering wheel on a busy road or something like that. He broke a door / rail accidentally, panicked, and put a wet robe on a wood burner at a bloody glamping site? He’s a kid. There was no ill intention. You are overreacting.

Have you said that its still the done thing to apologise even if it was an accident? I had to get this across to my dh when we first met. Do you apologise to them if you do something accidentally - does the dad? I think it sounds like he made some really silly mistakes, but thats a part of childhood. He does need to learn from it though, and also there's no harm in him seeing the consequences of his actions - your anger, the sore throats, and the lack of presents in your house come christmas. Once you've calmed down, Id sit with him and ask him to look at it from both your point of view and from the camp owner's point of view, and how it will have affected others. I wouldnt go on and on about it because it really wasnt intentional, but enough for him to lose the 'whatever' attitude

Can your DM speak to him about it? Maybe as she's removed from the actual situation she can make him see how upsetting and costly it's been for you. At 10 kids do stupid things and may not always appreciate the consequences but he should also have some empathy for his mum!

I think you're really overreacting.

Did your DD apologise, did she realise she had done something that had upset you? If she did fair enough, if she didn't then she should have been told she'd done wrong and yes she should have felt guilty about it. It's teaching them about responsibility.

Whats done is done and you do not hold a grudge because a 10 year old made a mistake and has properly apologised. Added the ending for you.

Starting a fire in a yurt is life threatening.

OP is gutted that her savings are wiped out and her Christmas is ruined.
maybe that wouldn’t bother you but if you can’t empathise with a struggling mother facing a significant financial outlay due to her child’s carelessness (for which he won’t even apologise) then you probably shouldn’t be posting

Don't let them get to you MumOfFury. Of course he should apologise, it is your job as his mum to teach him that and rolling his eyes at your is not acceptable. He really needs some consequences, going for a nice sleepover at his gran's isn't a punishment. It sounds like your ex is undermining you which is really difficult.

I hope it all works out.

As I've got older I've come to realise anger is a pointless emotion. It solves nothing and only causes stress for myself.

So try and push the anger aside, it isn't helping........I do think you should sell his tech tho. Actions have consequences and this damage needs paying for.

Interesting all these posters who think OP being upset by having her savings wiped out, holiday ruined, Christmas ruined and children in a smoke-filled tent is ‘over-reacting’

you’d all be totally chill with that would you?