I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

she invited him over for a sleepover and he went quite happily

So not a punishment in the slightest then?

He is a small child

I was heading off to our local high school at that age!!!! Hardly a "small child".

You are getting a lot of flak on here OP. For what it's worth I think you have done the right thing, and can understand why you are so angry. Some of the posters on this thread - as they do on many - have rushed into print without even bothering to read the actual facts. As for those who apparently think anyone under the age of 20 can do whatever they like, whatever the consequences, because they are "young" - what the hell is wrong with you?!

What a silly, goading post. I know what it's like to struggle and I understand her frustration, but he's 10. TEN. And no matter how annoyed you are, you can't make a ten-year-old think and react like an adult and understand financial pressures. He was silly, she was probably scared for him, but ultimately nobody was hurt. Much, MUCH worse could have happened but it didn't, and recognising that wouldn't go amiss.

The owner was absolutely lovely about it and I’m sure will do everything to claim on insurance if she can.

Does this not tell you everything.

The owner who should be the one that’s pissed off could have been angry at you, could have told you it’s your responsibility to watch your kid, kicked you off the site immediately, shouted how you’ve ruined her business, affected her income, not felt your response was emotional enough etc but she didn’t - she was lovely because she knows it was an accident and although you have parental responsibility, getting angry or upset with you or your son is not fair when it was not done intentionally.

Not sure why it’s relevant that his dad will buy him presents.
Surely that’s a good thing if he still gets what he wants and means the money wasn’t needed for his Christmas presents anyway.
You can buy smaller token presents instead.

Not just roll his eyes and say “it was an accident” because he knows that me having to scrimp and save for the next few months will have no impact on him as his dad will buy him everything he wants

The relationship between you and your son's father is the issue, then. Not what your son did by accident.

It is the boy’s fault. @MumOfFury did not break a shower door, flood the room or burn an expensive dressing gown, he did. He is ten. Young enough to act thoughtlessly and impulsively without thinking about the consequences of his actions and old enough to be made to fully face the consequences of those actions. I actually think it is a good thing that he can see how upset his mother is. He needs to learn a hard lesson so that he is far more careful in future. If he remembers this episode with shame, it will be good. I agree with writing a letter of apology to the owner of the glamping site and with the removal of electronic devices. There are about two weeks left of the summer holidays. I don’t think it would hurt him to have a very subdued end of the holidays. I am sure there are many chores he could do and if his brother has certain privileges, it will do him no harm to not be allowed to join in. When school resumes, things can go back to normal.

So he got scared because he couldn't open the door and broke the door, then he tried to fix the problem and got the dressing gown wet. then he tried to fix the second problem whilst being scared because you were angry and created a further problem with the burn.
I don't see that he's done anything that warrants punishment.
OP you got a fright and this translates in worry and anger. Above everything else what annoys you actually is the money.

All of the above is completely understandable.
I don't think he heard you over the running shower when you asked him to stop. And if he was also slightly panicked he just tried his best to get out.

He must-be quite scared over the whole episode and he really doesn't need punishment.

Talk to him calmly and acknowledge you were scared by the dangers, and you think he's probably also scared and you understand he really tried to help fix the damages, give him a hug.

As an aside, too much trust placed on him (or any child) as regards the drying rail by the fire. That should not have been there in the first place. We use a wood burning stove and the heat near it is unbelievably high.

In the great scheme of things, even if you end up paying for some of the damage, you will all remember this episode so try and stay close to each other and make him understand you were both frightened. The money really really doesn't matter in the long run. Neither one of you will remember the Christmas presents, Christmas meal etc as much as this experience. The Christmas fund really is nowhere near as important as the need for both of you to feel close right now and your DS to feel reassured. He did his very best with 10 year old judgment.

And you OP, also take 5 min for yourself to recover, a big shock for you, quite scary.

I was one of those good kids growing up but did 2 monumental mistakes as a little child that I still remember. I was not punished but I was told off big time (no shouting or raised voices just very stern telling off) but my parents also explained to me the near miss, the dangers and how worried it also made them.
One was trying to light a match on the carpet in my room. No idea why, and matches were always safely out of reach and I don't know how I found that box and why did I attempt to use it.
Another one was trying to put something in the electric socket, can't even remember what it was, a pen, a something else, no idea and don't know why.
That was pure stupidity and I was well aware of dangers of fire, electricity and all the other stuff like water etc.

And I was otherwise the most cautious child in the world!

Oh apart from swallowing a nut or something like that when my DB was fixing his bike! My poor parents, that was really scary for them.

You DS was simply trying to get out of the bathroom and it all escalated spectacularly.

OP you’re not overreacting. Most of them people on here don’t know what it’s like to have to save hard for things and don’t teach their children basic respect. I would ask your mum to have a word with him about what happened - hopefully the owner can claim back some on their insurance so it’s less of a blow for you

@FurAndFeathers - she doesn't know that. The owner is going to try and claim on insurance. So hopefully the OP won't be out of pocket.

@MumOfFury - he may go and stay there regularly but he knows he's being sent there as a punishment/because you have anger issues.

I'm glad you've replied to me though as you didn't answer my previous question about whether this is out of character for him. Is he a panicker, a bit of a casual careless boy or what?

I hope getting him out of your sight overnight helps you to calm down and get things into perspective.

This thread has left me wondering about when Mumsnetters think it is appropriate to teach children the difference between genuine accidents and unforeseen/unwanted consequences of one’s actions.
For instance, if a child has been told not to do something but does with negative consequences
If a child breaks the rules, causes damage or harm.
If one gets off Scott free because it is an “accident” when does one learn responsibility for the consequences of one’s actions?
If I drive after consuming alcohol and drugs and have a crash and someone dies I cannot claim it is just an accident and thatI should the held responsible. I decided to get behind the wheel in a state prohibited by law. It isn’t really an unforeseeable event.
Likewise if I carry a knife “for protection” and end up stabbing and killing someone.

I posted too soon.
The law deems that one intends the consequences of one’s actions and I think about 10 is the ideal age to explain this to children.

I’m so sorry OP this sounds like a nightmare. I’d be raging too. It does sound like that background of your ex being a twat is making it much more painful than it would otherwise be but can totally see that your kid being unbothered and unapologetic is enraging in itself. I think you did exactly the right thing sending him away while you untangle all those emotions.

I think once he’s back and you feel calmer, I’d be tempted to talk over what happened step by step and also be more honest with him about how utterly shit the consequences could be for you financially, and how disappointed you are that he hasn’t apologised, either to you or to the property owner. I’d also make him write a letter to her. I don’t think him seeing you crying is a disaster, if that’s what happens. I think it’s good for kids to understand that their parents are real people with feelings and struggles.

Why do you need space from your young son? It's worrying that you can't stand to be around him. He's a child, he has been stupid and foolish but he hasn't intentionally hurt anyone. You're asking for a level of emotional maturity that is beyond his years. Punish him appropriately and move on. You can't keep a vendetta going against him. You need to be able to deal with your own emotions.

Breaking the shower door wasnt an accident, he kicked and punched it on purpose.

If one gets off Scott free because it is an “accident” when does one learn responsibility for the consequences of one’s actions?

This is a false polarity. Being taught that particular behaviour reaps particular uncomfortable consequences is not the same as "getting off scot-free". The former doesn't have to involve "floods of tears" or wanting to send your child away, though.

Yeah I would be telling my child this isn't an accident its stupidity and you need to apologise and learn to think before you do something

It's an ongoing process, isn't it? My daughter, slightly younger than the OP's son, and with (diagnosed) ADHD, has damaged a number of things in impulsive rages. If I then shout, scream and generally create an emotional scene myself, it does nothing other than inflame things further and creates the possibility she doesn't feel safe to tell me when something goes wrong in future.

The OP hasn't said if this was out of character for her son, but I doubt he was as blithe about it inside as he looked. Especially as she gave the impression lives were at risk -- which sounds a bit exaggerated to me but smoke is scary stuff for sure.

None of the glamping sites I've stayed in have had open fires actually inside the accommodation though - it doesn't sound very safe even without children being ridiculous!

Hate how much grief people get when they're in tough situations. The whole thing is kind of a domino of disasters and in many ways the details don't matter at all. The fact he hasn't felt the need to apologise to the owner is quite shocking. It's one thing not to apologise to you, family dynamics can be complicated, but quite another not to apologise to a third party.

Why is it goady? Just because it’s a different opinion to yours.

And where did I say anyone has to make a 10 year old think or do anything?
I simply suggested that the adult posters on this thread could show some empathy to a struggling mum. Yes it could have been worse. That doesn’t mean we can’t show support to someone who has had an awful experience and is struggling with it.

Clearly that is a more challenging concept than I had anticipated!

Why are people saying him kicking a door off its rails is an accident?! This is clearly why we have so many violent and entitled men in this country if parents think it is fine for kids to literally kick a door down!! What sort of world are you all living in?

Sorry to hear this OP.

Last summer my THIRTEEN year old took a bottle of acetate (for removing false nails) out at our holiday cottage after we had explicitly told her that no make up, nail varnish our any other kind of cosmetics were to be used there.

She left it with the lid off, it spilled all over the bedside table and stripped the varnish off and then to top it all she didn't tell us (although was clearly aware as she had attempted to fix it by pouring water over it).

We discovered it 24 hours before we were due to be out. The holiday home belonged to someone senior to me at work and I was mortified about having to explain, esp when my DD knew better and HAD BEEN TOLD not to do the exact thing she did.

We managed to find someone to pick it up and revarnish it same day (we were extremely lucky to find him as in a remote part of the country).

DD's pocket money was stopped until it was paid off (about 3 months later). DD was glib about it and it still really annoys me.

Well she’s read the Ts&Cs and will at least be out of pocket for the excess. I’m simply going from the info she’s given and trying to encourage posters to be a bit nicer to someone who feels as if they’re facing something awful, rather than ‘no one is hurt/dead so you’re totally overreacting to have any kind of emotional response to a very stressful experience’ which seems to be the approach from a lot of posters.

You poor thing op, what a shock and strain. Fwiw I don’t really accept for my ds7 it was just an accident when it was something very avoidable, I say that often accidents happen when you’re not thinking or being careful, and people who pay attention have less accidents. It’s not a blanket excuse.

Have you said to him that you are very upset- you are terrified because he and his brother could have been badly hurt, and you are sad because that was your holiday and now it’s going to cost much more to fix the problem, and you’re angry because you know he knows not to do that, and you don’t understand why he forgot all that, that it wasn’t just an accident, it was a huge amount of not using your brain at all? I would have to give him some chores etc to make amends. I know it’s very depressing when it’s wiped out your savings and you’re trying so hard to do it on your own and their dad doesn’t sound very nice, but this will fade with time and you will recover.

Oh bless him, the poor lad. He’s ten. He doesn’t have the quick thinking or critical analysis faculty that we have as adults. He broke something, panicked, tried to put it right but just made everything worse instead. Then there’s broken wood and smoke everywhere so on top of the panic of being in trouble he would have been terrified of getting hurt as well. He probably needed a hug but then got told it was all his fault and saw you cry.

At that age, in his head, he just tried to put it right and so it isn’t his fault it all went wrong. It might feel unfair that he’s getting held responsible for what might seem to him as perfectly reasonable things to do. Because he’s ten. And his solutions probably would have worked in books.

Your reaction is perfectly understandable - he didn’t stop doing something when you told him to, he then broke something and tried to mop it all up with something expensive, and then tried to fix that by doing something you know he knows isn’t right. And then didn’t seem to care about it.

When things calm down, please talk to him about it, making it clear that you just want to understand how he felt at each stage and letting him know how you felt too. He can’t empathise with the fear you felt for their safety, the shame of the humiliation you felt and the loss that the consequences of his actions will cause later on in the year because he’s not equipped to understand those things yet - they require experience he doesn’t have.

Sounds like rotten luck on your holiday, OP!

He sounds very scared, the enormity of what did happen and the possibility of worse is too much for his 10 year old brain to handle so he’s gone into denial. He’s just not going to go there because it’s too scary and what’s more his mum is scared too and that makes the whole thing even more scary.

his behaviour sound typical of a panic, he was naked and that makes anyone feel more vulnerable. He was in a strange place with water going everywhere and a door which wouldn’t open. I’m not surprised his fight or flight instinct kicked in and once you are in that place rational behaviour goes out the window.

maybe a few days with granny while both of you lick your wounds would be a good idea .