For parents who haven't allowed phones/pads/game machines etc

[Dameslosthershoe]

Certain parents choose to do this and have done successfully with no impact on their children.
I know of several families who have raised successfull and happy children who don't have a phone, xbox, ipad etc.
How hard was it?
We're you successful?
Any tips?
I'm minded to say no phone or pad until 16/18 but xbox or PlayStation but not connected to the Internet.

How old are your DC now?

Honestly I understand this rule up to a certain age but when they are pre teen and teens especially a lot of socialising is spent online and gaming. If you have certain rules within place why would you want your children to miss out and possibly get bullied for it?

Why don't you ask the families you know how hard it was and for tips?

Certain parents choose to do this and have done successfully with no impact on their children

How would the parents know it had no impact on their children? There is an increasing body of evidence that suggests some social media use is less harmful than none at all, particularly in terms of engaging with peers in the expected way during current times.

To deny all forms would be to deny a level of peer engagement that is considered normal. I'm not sure of the benefits of denying them that.

Just because a kid seems fine with it doesn't mean they are.

It’s fecking impossible. And if you manage it, it takes disappointing your children hugely in my experience. We’ve avoided any games consoles but hear regular pleas from our eldest who can’t understand why everyone but him has one. And genuinely he’s right, all his friends have one. I do feel bad but so far we’ve held the line on it. They don’t have phones as they are too young. They will get one as they start post-primary and no sooner. They do play games on an old one of mine in the house.

They use my laptop for Minecraft sometimes and my eldest used to have an Amazon fire but lost it. So we have folded on lots that we would have liked not to let them have.

If you know several families who have successfully done this then my advice would definitely be to ask them! I don't know any and my eldest is only 8.5. One of my friends has a strict no gaming/tablet/I pad policy but he dc are allowed to play on her snd her dh's phone occasionally and tbh I wouldn't describe it as a total success.

Any kid with pocket money can get a “ burner “ phone and sim and you won’t know especially if they have an older friend with in line payment means.

better to know and supervise educate etc so you can place some boundaries surely.

mine are adult now and got phones at 11 - fortunately in those days that didn’t get them straight on tinternet - this is hugely challenging.

as regards internet access - mine weren’t “
allowed “ fbook till 13 but one created account at school before then . When we found out we were cross but talked it through and let them keep it - better the devil you know etc

If you deny your child these things then you make their lives difficult by denying them opportunities to socialise and connect and do a million things that we need in the modern world.

Please remember that your child is growing up in the 21st century, not the 1980's.

I can understand an argument for limiting exposure to a degree, but it is unreasonable to completely deny a child access to something that is a normal part of modern life.

I completely disagree that it has 'no impact' on the children who are forced to not engage with something that is a massive part of life just because of their parents' strange old-fashioned values.

My friend has some friends who did this. They used to swap babysitting. Her DD had an iPad at about 8; used to play a few games on it, that sort of thing, but wasn’t overly bothered about it. But whenever she was babysitting for the “no tech” parents, she could not prise their kid away from it. It was the forbidden fruit and he was obsessed. It’s a bit like kids who aren’t allowed sugar and go crazy at parties. I think. You need a bit of moderation and allow them to learn to make healthy decisions.

Tech is also different as IT is taught in schools. Kids are expected to have a working knowledge of ipads and computers and they are used very effectively as an educational resource. And what a resource the Internet is. While I agree it can be a terrible master, it is the most amazing servant. The whole world of knowledge can be at your fingertips. It’s just a question of teaching your kids to use it effectively and teach them the associated dangers…..

Sorry but no phone until 16/18 is absolutely bonkers these days.

It's impossible. I tried and had to give up by year 5 (games console) as that was literally the backbone of both my children's classmates' socialising. They would talk about the games in the playground, play with each other online etc. My children were very much out of the loop until they got a Nintendo Switch.
For smartphones, I was keen to hold off until at least 13 but the DC absolutely would be massively disadvantaged to not have one at secondary. Besides the bullying (which will happen if your child doesn't have a smartphone), they need them for learning. They are expected to do a lot of homework through various apps, they are often asked to use their phones to scan a QR code in lessons to access a quiz / test, look up words in an online dictionary etc.
And then there's the social side. I do not allow my children access to social media until they at least reach the app's recommend minimum age (with the exception of WhatsApp which I monitor very closely) but all their friends chat and arrange meet ups through group chats on online messaging platforms.
Maybe if you live rurally and home educate it will be ok, but not if your kids need to have any normal social life with other schooled children.

@WimpoleHat I completely agree. I am part of quite an alternative, hippie community and when their kids come to ours all I hear is 'can we go on the PlayStation now?' whilst my son has free reign to go on it whenever and does so maybe a couple of times a week, I'm aware this might change when we go into secondary.
Not all technology is bad and I think part of it is an elitist attitude. Sometimes I want to shout that for the price you pay for a wooden rainbow you could get a device that lets your child learn languages, learn to play piano, develop problem solving skills, work on maths skills or just run a mini zoo with bright pink animals like my daughter does.

My child doesn’t want any of these horrid video game things. He says to me “mummy all I want is to sit together and watch your old Little House on the Prairie VHS tapes.”

And I just beam and think what a little treasure he is.

We avoided this until secondary - DS has ADHD and I felt strongly that it wouldn't help - having said that both DCs were allowed to play Minecraft together at the weekend if the weather was bad and they wanted to, but they did it on our desktop computers. We moved from London to East Sussex between primary and secondary, and bought him a Switch so that he could play with his old friends (he had been wanting one for years) - the novelty lasted maybe two months, and now he's just not that interested any more. (Actually, we don't know where the Switch is 😬.) He spends his time reading/ building dens in the garden/ doing art/ making puppets/ playing the piano or clarinet - ie all the things I hoped he would want to do more than computer games. He has a phone - because he goes too and from school by himself - but hasn't charged it all holidays. He went for a sleepover with friends and was disappointed that all they wanted to do was play FIFA. It's easier when we have his friends here as then they're also in the garden making dens.
DD is in her last year of primary, and her phone is perma-charged - but I'm not sure what for. I think she just likes the feeling of being ready for anything.
Both of them, however, will watch crap on YouTube at every available opportunity.
And they still enjoy the odd Minecraft session.

We are outliers in our tech approach. Some are now adults, the others secondary age. They seem to be fine and I think it worked out the right choice, but obviously I am biased . I do ask them if we are pissing them off, and we hear (at volume) about other things that were/are pissing them off, including other house rules, so I feel they would have said.

My 16yr old DGS has a friend with parents like this and he is bloody miserable. He misses out on so much and just making arrangements is a nightmare . He is a lovely lad and everyone feels sorry for him . He is not allowed a pt time job ( study , read etc) 9.30 curfew at weekends etc . Parents are so smug but I think they are damaging their son plus his younger siblings .

I did with my daughter. Didn’t even really think about it, just knew I didn’t want her to be glued to it so didn’t give her one.

she would watch cat videos with her nan on her iPad if she stayed over but other than that, she didn’t play on devices. We just did other things from the get-go.

i would have gotten her her own when she went to secondary school I think, maybe age 12. My brother actually ended up buying her an iPad when she was 10 (I didn’t know beforehand). It wasn’t a problem, she didn’t go on it a lot until about age 13.

My son is 2, again, we just don’t pass him an iPhone or iPad to use, he knows what they are however.

I think imposing an outright ban is the problem with what you are suggesting. Ive never banned my children from playing on them, I just haven’t introduced them into daily routine so they were/are used to doing other things.

I think you would be very wrong to ban technology past secondary school age, it would without a doubt, negatively impact their social lives which are incredibly important at that age.

I do not allow video games and am an outlier within every group.
My eldest is only 8, so I expect I will relinquish my stance in the next few years. As PP said it’s about allowing peer engagement, and for that you will need your games console internet enabled.
Phone from 11, anything else is madness.

So, OP, if you are not going to let your DC have a phone until they are 16, how do you envisage them arranging their social lives when they are 13/14/15? Are their friends going to have to call you?

You will find they need a phone in senior school.

There are regular occasions when a teacher will say things like take a photo of the whiteboard.

Can't put the genie back in the bottle OP

How do you expect after school to work without a phone? Dd is in various sports teams which train/compete on a Sat in addition to after school drama/music/sport - sometimes if they've been assigned group work in class they'll choose to stay behind in the library and get it done during prep. It means she can let me know where she is/ how she is getting home/ if I can pick up or her dad can. She coordinates training sessions or musical rehearsals with her friends - otherwise you'd be stuck in a constant of having to message parents - not sustainable and embarrassing post 12. She doesn't have social media accounts - it doesn't have to be all negative!

I had a phone at about 13, my siblings were younger so probably got them at 11 for starting secondary. I appreciate we didn't have smart phones but how are you expecting them to keep in touch with friends until they are potentially 18?! They could definitely buy their own. I'm with you on delaying things, but I feel 16/18 is way too late.

Why would you not let them have a phone until they're 16?
I was the child in this situation 15 years ago (I'm now 30 and wasn't allowed a phone until I was about 14/15 which was very late in my school) and it was miserable to be the only one without one, while everyone else could text after school, quickly arrange to meet up etc while I had to miss out. I can only imagine that would be even worse nowadays.

My son is fixated with his screens. If it isn't YouTube videos on the iPad then it's Fortnite. I'm not overly keen on it and I do limit his time but to ban is completely would be to take away something he enjoys and connects with his friends on. Would I appreciate it if someone took my phone away? No. I'm on it loads.

If you restrict these things you make them more desirable to kids and the chances are they will do it secretively where you can't keep an eye on it. Just let them have it in moderation. My son has a very active life. He plays sports, reads, draws and just happens to also enjoy videos and games. It's not a crime and in this day and age I really don't see how it could benefit a child to withhold it completely.

I found connecting with likeminded families gives mine the chance to have fun with friends in the holidays where trips out and playing at each other’s houses means I’m not nagged for gadgets.

im not anti-phone more so anti social media and games consoles beyond the switch we have and just dance (and in time other approved games they request), they don’t really ask for more. The switch has been used once during the six weeks holidays and i’m wondering why the eldest even asked for it. But rather it sat idle than used relentlessly.

I suppose that’s the key to it, make a life without phones and gadgets more appealing and get them used to a life outdoors with others or as a family, rather than sat home being bored.