For parents who haven't allowed phones/pads/game machines etc

[Dameslosthershoe]

Certain parents choose to do this and have done successfully with no impact on their children.
I know of several families who have raised successfull and happy children who don't have a phone, xbox, ipad etc.
How hard was it?
We're you successful?
Any tips?
I'm minded to say no phone or pad until 16/18 but xbox or PlayStation but not connected to the Internet.

Ask the ones you know have done it then
I think it's a terrible idea. Teenager hood is hard enough without making them completely different from their classmates.
Sensible use is better
I know a 6 year old who says her favourite music is Tchaikovsky as she's never watched the stuff her peers watch as no TV. Never seen any Disney. She'll have a nightmare as a teenager if it carries on like this

My child's school expected them to do additional work on devices from around age 5 or 6. Doodle maths, that sort of thing. She's now 8 and doesn't yet have her own device. Having to ask to use ours limits exposure for now. It seems to be the norm to get them their own phone in year 6, ready for secondary and more independence.

You can't hold off on a phone or laptop till 16 are you mad, how would you contact them when they start going out, what if they get covid and have to do online school for a few weeks

I disagree, it's a phone that's the problem, so much responsibility for a young teen to have on their shoulders- only a few days ago there was a post about a child sending inappropriate content, which turned out to be some filthy pervert who had hacked their phone! It's simply not an age appropriate device, with lots of dangers of bullying and worse. My children will not be getting a phone with the internet until 16 at the very earliest.

@Littlepaws18 I agree with you in principle.

However I believe that with the right parenting, education and support, that the benefit of a mobile phone with parental controls outweigh the possible negatives.

How old are your DC currently? I think you might alter your viewpoint when they reach end of primary/start of secondary. There's a lot to be said about allowing them to fit in, have the same resources as their peers and not be excluded because of parental limitations.

no phone or pad until 16/18 is pretty extreme

xbox or PlayStation but not connected to the Internet these days is actually pretty pointless - most games require it to be played.

Parents do but they risk alienating their children. Access to tech at home (laptop or tablet plus keyboard) is essential for school work plus they do maths online etc and my DD's school used phones in class for certain subjects. For school trips they had to have phones otherwise they had to stay with the teacher

Ps my dd has a degree that she couldn't have done it she hasn't had access to computers and other tech at a young age. She was building robots and controlling them from a raspberry pi from primary school

Yes I will share my experience. DC1 was 14 when we had to introduce an iPhone for safety reasons as they started travelling alone, needed collecting etc barely ever on SM and has never gamed.
DC2 was earlier at 11 moving onto secondary school does game and doesn’t do much SM apart from chatting to friends.

Our group of friends who chose to continue dc now 14-17 are virtually social outcasts. All invites, plans and conversation/ bonding is done on line in various forms. They were massively disadvantaged in lockdown especially and if I am honest have very controlling parents. Even at 15 some of them are organising ‘play dates’ as the dc can’t organise anything themselves. It’s very embarrassing for dc. There needs to be some autonomy as dc her older, to communicate with friends.

My conclusion you can go screen free until 11/12 maximum before it becomes damaging to their social life

Social exclusion is a guaranteed way of ruining mental health. You can be sure by cutting your child off from any contact with friends you will isolate them - immediately and usually irreparably doing far more damage than the phone.

Technology is a way of life now. Hell, it's almost a necessity, like electricity, gas or running water. Yes we could do without all those things but why would you want to? Because it's not something we needed as kids? To push against it and stopping your child utilising it is doing them a disservice I think. Some people think seeing a bus filled with people commuting to work in in a morning looking at their mobiles etc is a sign of society failing, with people ignoring each other in favour of their devices, but they forget that it used to be everyone was sat there reading their morning newspaper, happily ignoring their fellow man.
A working man liking sitting at home playing Call of Duty online with his friends has replaced dad heading to the pub for a pint on the way home. It's the same lives with different entertainment.
Technology is amazing. Every answer to every question is right there at our fingertips. Our brains are always engaged whether it is playing games, reading our kindles or talking to friends or stranger, near or far.
Whether we like it or not, our teens and pre-teens live in a world where they have the wonderful ability to speak to each other whenever they like. No calling a landline attached to the hallway wall and having to hope their pal is home.

Thank you everyone. Sorry been a busy day.
I should have clarified, no smart phone but one that can text or call for secondary school. I would allow technology use in the house for homework purposes.
The social thing I'm very aware of and completely get, having hard teenage years myself. This is why I'm not taking it lightly and want more feedback than my small pool of parents I already know of.
Socially it's a double edged sword isn't it. But I do agree somewhat, it's better the devil you know... however things still go wrong.
Of all the responses the one that really stuck out was this one, it really spoke to me so thank you @beastlyslumber
We are conducting a massive psychological experiment on children. We literally have no idea of what the long term effects of mobile phone use from a young age will be. We don't know how it will affect their IQ, social development, academic skills, relationships, concentration, physical and mental health. What we do know is that mental illness and suicidality in teen girls is skyrocketing, and issues like ROGD and other forms of self-harm are also increasing. We know these issues affect girls way more than boys. But then we also have porn and dating, which is having a devastating effect on both sexes from really young ages.

So, while I understand the concerns about children being left out by not having a phone, I think we as a society are being extremely reckless and in a few decades time we will look back in horror at what was happening to children. It's very telling that the silicon valley tech people who invented all this stuff do not allow their kids anywhere near it.

I feel sorry for any chid ostracised because their parents thought they knew best.

The post that stuck with me was festoon’s response to that post. That if you ban the phone you will almost certainly socially isolate your teen. You can pat yourself on the back but what will you actually achieve? You will just have swapped one issue for a worse issue!

Hi! Not exactly the same but as a 90s/00s child I wasn’t allowed to watch TV (except in evenings with family), nor had any video games, had a v basic phone in secondary (but lived in an area with little signal) and could only use the family computer in the sitting room until I was in sixth form. I haven’t turned out proper weird…. as far as I’m aware, but my parents did trust me in other ways such as going out in town on a sat night etc in my teens as long as I let them know where I was and was home at a set time. I realise social media wasn’t as much of a thing but we did have MSN messenger and Facebook. I’m quite happy my TV etc was limited but I think you shouldn’t go to far and need to be trusting in other ways and make sure they’re other things to do. I’m probably v lucky as I grew up in a rural area so played outside a lot instead.

The post that stood out for you was, unsurprisingly, ine of the few that supported your view on technology.

I read a lot. Have done so since I learnt to read properly, age 5. I am nearly 50 now. I remember v v clearly how negatively my reading was perceived. My parents wanted me to be out more. More sporty. They worried about friendships. School teachers were annoyed that I rapidly went past the books supposed to be for my age group. I was constantly being told to stop reading. To play with my siblings etc etc....

It's all very well claiming that these things can rot your brai etc. But those fears have always existed... just about different things.

What is so special about Mumsnet that you make an exception for it? Frankly, I find this site one of the most perniciously addictive around, and it very much brings out the worst in people.

I love it .

Sorry but I am snorting at the smug “screen free family here” thing - you dont have teens! Try having a sociable 13 year girl that you keep screen free whilst maintaining her social life with peers and not absolutely hating your guts. Then I would be impressed.

And yet here you are posting on mumsnet gawping at a screen being a zombie 😁. Too funny!

A parenting coach in our area recommends the opposite approach at least wrt internet use.
She recommends starting early, but showing them it is a tool for finding information, not mindless scrolling. The idea is to set the mindset young.

I do know a few teenagers of smug families promoting this view. Their kids have literally no teen friends. Yes you can insist on no connection to friends of course via tech, but your poor teens will be at the coal face of isolation. It is grotesquely unfair to leave them in that position socially.
The kids are left wondering why they are never invited to anything, blaming themselves for not being likeable etc - their self esteem takes the hit for your ideology - they will eventually work it out for themselves and will hate you for it. Or go behind your back and be reduced to lying to you.
One friend of dds memorably has many burner phones hidden in her room and more accounts under different guises to avoid her parents intrusion.
If deceit and social isolation is your main goal for future relations with your teens then just carry on!
Most kids will judge your kids for being very weird by being the only kid in the class without a phone or internet connection. If that’s what you want to do to them ( and it is your dc that will suffer the consequences for your decisions) good luck. Secondary school experiences are hard enough without making it even worse!!

I say this as an anti screen parent of decades, wanting an Enid Blyton childhood for dc, but we live in the real world, and my dc spend hours happily face timing their friends and catching up when we are not in England. In the same way I would ‘telephone’ my friends as a teen and before then we used to write. Times move on, methods change - the result is the same.

Very interesting that the only post you have commented on is the one that seems to reinforce your view. That in itself suggests that you are a very immature social media user.

You should bear in mind that even that post is talking about an “experiment” and not forget that it is entirely plausible that the “experiment” will end up with a number of extremely positive outcomes for children who have been raised with technology. The poster’s point is that we simply don’t know. However we do already have plenty of data on the effects on the mental health and development of children who are excluded socially and denied cultural touch points with their peers.

Also, I’d be VERY wary of this frequently trotted-out chestnut:

”It's very telling that the silicon valley tech people who invented all this stuff do not allow their kids anywhere near it.”

This, or something along these lines was reported in the media a few years ago but you need to think critically about what you read- it is highly unlikely that all the “Silicon Valley tech people” are blanket denying their kids access to the tech they created. It’s fairly unlikely that even one of them is doing so and, if true, there are likely to be very specific personal reasons for that. One of them may once have said to a journalist that their 6 year-old was not allowed unlimited access to an iPad but that doesn’t make a very snappy headline, does it?

Wise words festoon agree totally. We were pretty much screen free bar watching tv in downtown time when we not frolicking in the woods or reading. Then 12 hits. No sane parent would want festoons outcome and that’s the reality trust me.

My neighbour used to be smug that her young teen Dd wasnt interested in the phone that evolved to being worried sick that her Dd was friendless and isolated then she didn’t give a stuff about the phone.

But everyone 30 and under has pretty much had a phone. I had a phone at 16 and yes it didn't do Internet but we sent pics, texts, hrs on phone, games etc. By 18 3g was out, 20yrs ago and i used it to access emails and the Web. So most young adults did have access as kids and are ok now?

Sorry but no phone until 16/18 is absolutely bonkers these days.

Not that bonkers. A lot of the people involved in creating social media platforms and the original Apple/iphone tech, have done just that, as they see that it is addictive technology and damaging to young developing brains.