For parents who haven't allowed phones/pads/game machines etc

[Dameslosthershoe]

Certain parents choose to do this and have done successfully with no impact on their children.
I know of several families who have raised successfull and happy children who don't have a phone, xbox, ipad etc.
How hard was it?
We're you successful?
Any tips?
I'm minded to say no phone or pad until 16/18 but xbox or PlayStation but not connected to the Internet.

I was convinced my DD would not have her own phone until the term before secondary school… lockdown quickly make me relinquish… that was the only way she could interact with kids for months… so…
but regardless, at primary school the school had computers and iPads from P6, homework was set via teams, Google classroom was used
by the time they reach high school they do their own plans and text each other (old style would be call your friends house - but when was the last time you used your landline?)
the high schools assume kids will have a phone and allow them to use their phones for educational purposes
i see no way you can say no phones or technology until 16… unless you live on a completely isolated community- and since you’re asking using social media, I would say that’s not the case

I think no phone in teenage years is just cruel these days. Social interaction is through the phone, parties arranged through social media. Meet ups arranged through social media. Conversation will revolve around what happened on social media

I was a child who wasn't allowed a phone or social media access till later than my peers and it really affected me, I struggled to maintain friendships as so much was done through it at the time. I struggled to keep up in conversations because it was all about what xyz did on MSN then Snapchat (shows my age). I think even like school prom was organised on fb at the time and I couldn't get updates or know what was going on, and had to be reliant on others telling me whilst everyone else just knew. And so many things would just be casual invites on friend groups on social media that I just wouldn't know about.

My brother wasn't allowed an Xbox and he has said he struggled because certain xbox games were a big thing amongst his friends, again a lot of meet ups would be through xbox and conversation would be about games and he couldn't join in

And actually I really resent my parents for not listening to me when I said that I was behind d and struggling socially because of their ideas around how a child should be raised.

We have a limit on screens and manage to enforce it through only owning one tablet and the kids sharing it. Plus the kids need to earn the screen time and lose it through poor behaviour. We’re not at the point of phones yet. I’ve honestly no idea what I’m going to do. All I do know is that he’s not having a brand new iPhone. It will be something very basic.

Thanks for sharing that. If you could go back in time what age would you have said was essential for a phone and a games console?

Fine for people to be on mumsnet but have tech free home!

We were probably slighter later than most with connecting DS to the internet. He had access to a console whilst at Primary but DS couldn’t access other players via internet until Secondary. He got a phone for Secondary school, and as others have said schools do ask them to take photos etc with them (although school have strict no mobile phone use unless asked by teacher). When he first got his phone we had access to all passwords and we monitored chats etc. I think it is easier to do this when younger. DS isn’t on much social media and avoids quite a few of the chat groups so we have avoided the drama and bullying that can happen.

I won’t lie the internet has taken over from books for him but he gets enjoyment and knowledge from it too, so is it a bad thing? I was a bookworm as a child/teen but not very sociable so was I any better with my head in a book rather than looking at a screen

No phone until 16/18? Why would that be a positive thing. Even logistically speaking?

I think you need to take a lot of the comments on this thread on board. Esp the insight from the individual who had parents did this exact thing & impacted on her socially & emotionally.

At some point you need to accept that times have changed & that you are will fully making your child "different" or an outcast based on what.. the fact that you don't want them to have a phone until they're practically an adult? It's ridiculous imo.

I suppose it's about being a role model to your child and not spending all your own time on your phone. Then introducing it when they get to an age where not having access to it would negatively impact them.

This would be both impossible and ridiculous.

What are you going to do when school has set homework via an online portal or is steering the children towards online resources for learning and research? Are you going to tell them that your child will not be doing the work because you have banned these facilities in your home in the name of being a good parent? They won't admire you for that, they will look askance at you and label you one of those oddball parents.

It is the age of technology now and children need to learn to use it. We won't be going back to the days of just pen and paper however much you might like to.

I think there needs to be a happy medium of some access rather than none at all.
Coding is part of the primary curriculum - children may be at a disadvantage in those lessons if they are not teach savvy. Some schools are increasingly moving to device based work as well. A few schools in our Trust have a whole term where all maths and English is online using chromebooks. Then there is the increasing use of online apps and programs for homework (e.g tt rockstars and numbots). In our school the children who regularly access these at home are doing far better than their peers who don't access them at all.

That's all before you even get onto the social side of things.

Ds was 12 before he got a smartphone and is now just completely glued to it.

There is an element of addiction with all these things sadly.

They played computer games from about 8/9 years old.

We don't have a tv but ds's have watched things for 2/3 hours a day ( mostly in the evenings ) via Netflix, Disney plus Ect.

It's not that we as a family think that children should not be taught about nor involved with tech it's just when I see a 6 year old with their own smartphone I feel personally that it's too young and it's not needed at such a young age.

I think its very much a personal thing and it also depends on their upbringing in general. We live rurally so my sons play outside and I'm out paddock as well as ride their pony most days.

I realise that we are in a very lucky position to be able to provide that kind of childhood for our DC's but rest assured our 13 yo has got the grumps now he is a teen just like most other of his peers.

He still likes to build his Lego though!

We are conducting a massive psychological experiment on children. We literally have no idea of what the long term effects of mobile phone use from a young age will be. We don't know how it will affect their IQ, social development, academic skills, relationships, concentration, physical and mental health. What we do know is that mental illness and suicidality in teen girls is skyrocketing, and issues like ROGD and other forms of self-harm are also increasing. We know these issues affect girls way more than boys. But then we also have porn and dating, which is having a devastating effect on both sexes from really young ages.

So, while I understand the concerns about children being left out by not having a phone, I think we as a society are being extremely reckless and in a few decades time we will look back in horror at what was happening to children. It's very telling that the silicon valley tech people who invented all this stuff do not allow their kids anywhere near it.

If they don’t have a smartphone at secondary school you will find their social lives become restricted. Mine use WhatsApp to message friends, make arrangements, and share content - photos, videos, etc. They also have iPads and laptops, and my DS has an XBox. This is how they will work in the future. They will likely have jobs that will require them to communicate via multiple channels, work in teams, and keep up to date with what’s going on in their field (my gymnastics mad DD, for example, uses TikTok to study gymnastics moves and will often share them with her gym friends). They have balanced lives - they do a lot of sport, go out with friends, and are doing well academically. I have no concerns - from my perspective, the tech is facilitating their lives, not detracting from them. Their devices are tools for communication, not an end in themselves.

@DoItAfraid Yes, us too. My DC do loads of activities and sports, both enjoy art projects (DD more than DS admittedly) and DD is rapidly becoming a bookwork.... they also love their iPads and PS. They're not mutually exclusive.

Trying to pretend these things don't exist is crazy. It makes far more sense to introduce them safely and in a way that you can provide guidance from an early age. In the same way that I've been talking to my children about road safety since they were still in prams, we've been having ongoing conversations about the internet and social media and how it's used.

In my experience, the parents who are the most stressed about it and have the strongest rules are ALSO the ones who seem to find their children getting into difficulty when they are allowed it. While those of us who have integrated it from an earlier age seem to have children who have fewer issues.

I'm not sure fan of banning things completely, it just creates unnecessary drama and tension. We bought DS a console on lockdown as he'd been asking for a while and at 8 we thought he would be able to understand the need for limits. We set clear expectations around balancing it with other activities and as he has a lot of extra curricular hobbies I honestly don't see a problem with the odd screen heavy day.

He'll get a phone at some point in the next year as he starts walking to school and it'll be on a family link so we can monitor. If you approach it sensibly kids can self regulate. The screen shots are the last two weeks use if his Switch (and it only went on on Tuesday as I challenged him to Mario Kart) It isn't all or nothing. He had a friend to play on Monday and as well as the switch time they played in the garden, on his perplexus and traded pokemon cards.

Not exactly a 'zombie staring at a screen', just an average ten year old who likes gaming sometimes.

Would love to hear from anyone with sociable teen girls who has banned phones! Tell me the secret! Mine would explode without theirs. Not interested in smug screen free mums of 8 year old boys but those with teen girls. How?

What about kids needing to use technology for work or the way automations and integrations of technology with most of our lives?

I work in cyber security it's an incredibly lucrative and rewarding career. If I was banned from all technology as a child I would not have had this chance

No one needs a brand new iphone. DD has one (iphone,not new) because it was in the house after replacing it. The battery is really crappy so she only uses at home. She will get a better one and a cheap contract once she starts secondary.

I really do think it's total madness to not let them have a phone until 16/18. You will need to have a means of contacting your kids when they start secondary school. My DS always let me know if his school bus was late, asked me questions concerning school which would have gone in on ear and out the other by the time he got home. My DH and I also felt for safeguarding reasons our DS should have a phone which would show his location if needed (he wasn't tracked but the Find MyPhone function was always on)

On top of all the reasons above I do sadly think you are singling out your DC. Secondary schools can be brutal and by making your DC different from the outset could lead to problems.

Good luck with that past infant school.
Any particular reason you’re thinking of depriving them of the knowledge of working one of the primary forms of communication these days?

When we tried to hold off (first child 12 ish) we felt like king Canute holding back the flipping tide. Literally every other child had a phone. All of them - except a rather odd family with unfriendly parents. We had a tearful dd1 writing us letters explaining how left out our choices were making her and how sad she was. Her friends thought we were tyrants. Would you really stand firm?! We didn’t.

Why would you want to disadvantage your children socially?

I agree that not having a phone by secondary age will disadvantage your DC socially. Lots of arrangements etc are made via WhatsApp. Also practically - by secondary age they go out a lot more independently and it's helpful to be able to contact them. Eldest DC didn't have a phone until 11. Has no social media other than WhatsApp and I do keep an eye on that. No consoles as they aren't interested but has had an iPad since about 7 and admittedly spends a lot of time on it.

People forget just how much fun computer games can be. My kids had games systems from toddler age. I don't know how much money I've handed over to Nintendo over the years but I'd hand over the same again to have experienced so many happy memories. I can't imagine a family get-together without Mario party 😂
They are adults now and we still get a lot of enjoyment through gaming. I was strict about screen time limits up until they were mid teens and even then it was monitored. I was also strict about age ratings and content. I refused to ever have first person shooters/gta in the house.
I disapprove of parents who mindlessly let their kids have uncontrolled access to the internet as much as anyone else but I also think that parents who ban it completely are missing a trick.

My kids are in their 20s, they play a lot of board games, they do sports and they read books. They also game.

There is a family who live around the corner from us - we just moved here a year ago. They have one 15 year old daughter who just looks so sad all the time I see her walking up and back from the village to catch her school bus.

I asked another 15yo who lives on our close if she’s ok and apparently her parents (who seem pretty nice, have said hi to my children a few times etc) are very anti technology and don’t even have a tv. She is treated differently at school because the teachers have to do separate paper homework for her, and she can’t join in with technology in lessons. She has some friends who have tried to stay close to her since primary school but it’s difficult since she isn’t allowed to go to their houses and doesn’t get cultural references etc.

I guess her parents have some very strong beliefs but if I were them I’d worry that she’ll go completely off the rails at 18 and be unable to cope with modern life. Or that she’ll just take off when she hits adulthood and never come back - a friend of mine with a very strict upbringing did just that.

I’m a primary teacher and while I see how lots of mindless Fortnight isn’t the best use of time, a complete ban on screens just won’t work in a modern world and could actually be worse than a moderated approach.

I think it would be better to allow it but teach responsible use and how to have boundaries. We are very strict over what our kids have access to but they have enough to not feel left out. They have screen time limits and plenty of other hobbies and activities.