Is it fair DC and I have to sleep in the living room?

[beefinthetrifle]

My partner works as a police officer and is also an extremely light sleeper, before DC was born has no problem falling asleep on the sofa but now DC is born wants to have the bedroom himself and thinks that I should take the bassinet into living room as he wakes up when baby wakes and then can’t get back to sleep.

I understand he has to be alert for his job, but feel like it’s unfair I have to lug baby and bassinet downstairs every night.

we don’t have a spare room, live in a one bed and can’t afford to upsize yet.

Our baby is 11 weeks.

@dreamingofsun mumsnet is wall to wall with posts by women freaking out because they don’t have a clue what they’re doing with children and managing a house. Women don’t know how to do this stuff anymore than men do.

as for a bog standard police job being all about driving past and dealing with people with knives - I have a lot of respect for those of the police who make sacrifices and make an extraordinary contribution. But I would be AMAZED if this sick head was one of them. I imagine he’s as much a lazy prick at work as he is at home - with probably a bit of contempt for domestic violence victims thrown in.

OP you and your child are worth significantly more than this prick. Onwards and upwards to sunny lands.

Dickhead not sick head.

Poster has done 2 or 3 posts on here. I am amazed that you all understand her situation, and her partner, so expertly and can therefore recommend relatively extreme solutions such as splitting up. That should be a last resort where a baby is concerned.

Why should that be a last resort when she's currently doing everything for the baby, sacrificing her bed and doing everything for her lazy arse 'partner' too?
Leaving him would make her life loads easier as she'd only have her and baby to worry about and she'd be able to sleep in her own bed.

girlmom - so what about the baby? Have you read the stats about being brought up in a one parent family? The lazy partner is going to work and funding their lifestyle. Sounds like he could do a bit more on his days off, but dont lets trash him entirely. She is looking after one baby.....not several kids or twins and its not even walking yet.

its not necessarily going to make her life logistically or financially easier being a single parent. Single parents all seem to moan on here about lots of issues

What stats are those@dreamingofsun - the ones about single parents?
Are they more, or less alarming than people raised in an unhappy house?

And you seem to forget OP is on mat leave, so her partner is not carrying the household financially.

@dreamingofsun - I doubt the statistics exist but I bet a single parent household has better outcomes than households where one parent treats the other like absolute shite. Why are you so defensive of this man. He is prioritising his own needs wholly above those of his post parting wife and child and you are making out the OP just needs to get over it. Two parents together is not the be all and end all.

Oh sod off with your vague & unsubstantiated "statistics" @dreamingofsun you absolute melt. 50% of UK marriages end in divorce. Many of those brought about because, once the woman has been on maternity leave, her husband assumes he never has to cook a meal, feed a baby, or lift a finger round the home.

The baby will be far better off raised in a household without such a man in it.

Single parents all seem to moan on here about lots of issues

Erm ... there's far more "moaning" as you so empathically call it, from married or partnered women here than from singles.

What on EARTH could be the common denominator behind that, I wonder?

Single parents all seem to moan on here about lots of issues

All parents moan here about lots of issues because it's a forum for adults - many of whom are parents - and people don't tend to need help with the good bits.

you are seriously asking for stats about outcomes for single parent households v joint? www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2930824/ this is the first i have found on a quick look - but there are loads more.

And i'm not particularly defensive about this man. I am just suggesting that there may be other solutions than splitting up. But no-one on here seems to be able to get their heads round that....other than a few who have suggested things like ear plugs.

Ear plugs won't convince this man to cook a meal, or give his own child a bottle @dreamingofsun. Or lift a finger in the domestic sphere.

Is that the best you can come up with to defend your "statistics" claim, @dreamingofsun?
Because you are comparing apples with oranges.
Children do better in HAPPY marriages. What child wouldn't want both their happy parents around to nurture them?
Children of UNHAPPY marriages do significantly worse, & the article you have selected talks about the outcomes for children when conflict exists within the marital home:

"Children whose parents often argue score worse on measures of academic achievement, behavior problems, psychological well-being, and adult relationship quality;"

"Another line of research has devoted attention to variation within continuously married two-parent families, particularly with respect to marital conflict. Children whose parents often argue fare worse than those whose parents get along: parental conflict is associated with negative schooling outcomes (Hanson, 1999), behavior problems (Morrison & Coiro, 1999), early and nonmarital family formation (Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994; Musick & Bumpass, 1999), lower quality adult relationships (Amato & Booth, 2001; Booth & Edwards, 1990), and lower psychological well-being (Amato & Sobolewski, 2001; Jekielek, 1998)."

"Testing the moderating effect of conflict on divorce (i.e., the interaction between conflict and divorce), many find weaker negative associations between divorce and child outcomes in the case of high conflict marriages, suggesting that divorce may bring relief from the stress of high conflict family environments (Amato & Booth, 1997; Amato, Spencer Loomis, & Booth, 1995; Booth & Amato, 2001; Hans"

You're not quite getting this @dreamingofsun
You seem to be comparing this to a supportive happy family here.
Sure, that would be lovely.
That isn't an option available to the op because her husband is not supportive, and never will be. And, yes, for us wiser posters, it's immediately obvious from a few posts.
Her options are...

1. Continue to be a slave treated like shit by her husband, for her child to grow up in this miserable environment.
2. Divorce this man, and live happily and model either a good relationship or none at all as the two options.

There isn't the option 3 that you're imagining.

Tell him straight, you are staying in the bedroom. Are you scared of him?

We’ve had two babies. We have a a spare room but have always slept in the same room (with baby in a crib until they went into their own room). In the early months DH would stay up with the baby until around midnight, feed them and bring them up asleep and put in the crib. Then he’d put earplugs in and get 6 hours sleep before he had to get up for work. I would go to bed at 10 and then do any feeds after midnight (usually 3am and 6am). I could nearly always feed baby without waking DH, who was knackered so slept deeply. He had an an important job and a long commute, but I was looking after the baby all day, which is tiring as well. When I went back to work at 4 months (surgeon) we shared night wales equally.

He really needs to step up and help out. And is definitely the one who should sleep on the sofa if he chooses not to share your bed. He sounds like a waste of space to be honest.

It's the police, he will be rostered to work weekends, not just week days.

What's his actual job? If firearms maybe his sleep is sacrosanct but otherwise he's taking the piss.

My DH is in the police and worked shifts all through our relationship until the past couldn't of years where he now has a day job.

I'm not going to rub it in but he does his fair share of everything. Day off or shift day. We are a team.

I'd definitely be back off to my parents. As pp have said, you have 2 kids.

Couple*

It’s not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse. What happens when you go back to work? What happens when baby gets too big for the bassinet, where will the cot go?

Ah crap! This story is far too common

For decades women have been gaslit into
Believing that a man's work is the most difficult and to protect his right to sleep/rest and eat at all costs

This and you are working 24/7 looking after a baby where is your ‘time off’? He needs to come in and take the baby solely for a couple of hours so you can go to meet a friend, read, yoga whatever

Best thing to do? DUMP HIS SORRY ASS!!!!

No, things won't get better. You will become more and more exhausted, baby will get bigger, heavier won't fit in bassinet, you won't be able to carry him downstairs and upstairs along with bassinet all his stuff all your stuff etc etc etc. At worst turn sitting room into your bedroom which you share with your baby but better to take possession of first floor, kitchen, hallway, all loos and bathing areas, and let him have a tent outside. Or DUMP HIS SORRY ASS.

He will get worse, you will get ground down, you will be so exhausted and so used to removing all inconvenences from his terribly important life that you'll no longer want anything and won't know how to answer "what would you like for your birthday" (it doesn't matter, you won't get it). Every single thing you do will be geared towards ensuring that all his whims are fulfilled, that nothing gets in the way of his pure enjoyment, all his needs are met........ and learn now - learn it well because this is one of the foremost lessons he is going to (is already) teach you 'if he is displeased or disappointed by anything, anything at all, IT IS YOUR FAULT'. Don't ever forget that; welcome to the rest of your life.

You 2 decided to have this child... what is it with these Men who participate in the creation of their child to then act like Man babies and push all the NEW parent duties on the Mom. Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you get to wing this on your own! Wasn't labor and recovering from birth enough? And why exactly can't he help? Because he's an Officer? I'd be livid! He too should be changing diapers, helping with the feedings and allow you to rest... work as a team! Tf kind of Man let's his Wife do it all while still being postpartum? I don't care what his job is...

I've read your updated comments... I am so sorry you choose a lazy ass Man as the Father of your child. That Man will never change...