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Original poster

Is it fair DC and I have to sleep in the living room?

180 replies

beefinthetrifle · 08/08/2022 02:08

My partner works as a police officer and is also an extremely light sleeper, before DC was born has no problem falling asleep on the sofa but now DC is born wants to have the bedroom himself and thinks that I should take the bassinet into living room as he wakes up when baby wakes and then can’t get back to sleep.

I understand he has to be alert for his job, but feel like it’s unfair I have to lug baby and bassinet downstairs every night.

we don’t have a spare room, live in a one bed and can’t afford to upsize yet.

Our baby is 11 weeks.

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JacquelineCarlyle · 08/08/2022 03:03

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 02:56

If I were you, I would go to my parents for a good long while, and tell my husband that if he doesn't grow up, I will be filing for divorce. Your husband is being completely unreasonable.

Completely agree with this and feel even more angry on your behalf.

DrJump · 08/08/2022 03:06

There is a risk that if you sleep on the sofa you will occasionally bring your baby into the sofa to sleep. This is not safe for the baby. If you are in an adult bed and are careful then bringing baby into bed with you is reasonably safe (if you are breastfeeding) . I understand your husband needs sleep but he also needs to take responsibility for the safety of your baby overnight.

If possible can you upgrade the sofa or can he buy ear plugs and a mask?
Also sorry you are dealing with this.

Coyoacan · 08/08/2022 03:28

Hopefully your husband sees the light, but I was a single mother from the start and didn't find it hard at all. I would have really resented having to share my space with someone who thought that I was also there to serve them, though.

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Woodswoman · 08/08/2022 03:46

Is every male police officer an absolute arsehole?

RainbowsMoonbeams · 08/08/2022 03:52

I understand he has to be alert for his job

So do you, as a mother to newborn baby!! He is being so unbelievably selfish.

bluedomino · 08/08/2022 04:50

@Woodswoman yes, most male police officers are the most misogynistic, sexist, racist, homophobic twats you could ever come across. It's interesting that the "D"H was good on paternity but once he got back to work his views and opinions were probably heavily influenced by his sexist colleagues, most of all hate women, and think we have no purpose other than to serve them. I have considerable experience with this.
You need to set some ground rules now before he completely takes control. He is a grown-up with a job and a baby, he needs to find a way to deal with this without making you sleep on the sofa. What will happen when the baby is in a proper cot? His job, whilst important, is not brain surgery. Many people have jobs that require concentration and they manage without demanding special treatment. Stand up to him now and stop allowing him to treat you like this. Maternity is for YOUR recovery. Tell him to grow up.

grumpytoddler1 · 08/08/2022 04:50

As PP said, you are much better off falling asleep with the baby if you're in a bed than on a sofa. Falling asleep together on the sofa is one of the most dangerous things you can do. That information might help persuade him on the bed situation, but dear god he sounds bloody awful. Is this how you want your life to be?

BritInAus · 08/08/2022 05:02

You also need to be alert for your job - looking after a very young child! I absolutely would not do this. If he is such a delicate sleeper, he can buy some earplugs and sleep on the sofa!

Agree with others, I'd have a long term plan to get away from him.

Goldbar · 08/08/2022 05:14

Honestly, he's not really sounding like a keeper.

Don't move. He can sleep on the sofa or get an air bed downstairs.

And you don't need his permission not to cook. Just don't cook for him.

Nekomata · 08/08/2022 05:26

I honestly don't think he will get better. I think you should cut your losses and move in with your parents. At least then you'd have some support.

Justasec321 · 08/08/2022 05:39

Stop asking for « help ».

Tell him he needs to do his SHARE.

Write a list if needs be - some meals, laundry, time with baby away from you etc.

it Will not be easy with this man. But stand firm.

Onandupw · 08/08/2022 05:45

Well obviously he’s awful and he won’t change.

why on earth did you accept doing all the domestic tasks before baby if you worked as well?

do you think it’s a woman’s responsibility and men just deserve to have more down time?

now is the time for you to decide if you’re going to pout up with this shit for the rest of your life or actually value yourself. I repeat. He won’t change.

PloddingAlongHere · 08/08/2022 05:47

I saw a big improvement from DH when he realised that actually its more tiring to stay at home, work is a break from parenting that the parent on mat leave does not get. Sit down and have a dosscussion about how you are sharing the parenting. Sometimes it makes sence to be nearer the kitchen when bottle feeding, but he still needs to do a share and you need to be comfy! Stay firm!

HungryandIknowit · 08/08/2022 06:14

Go to your parents.

SofaLola33 · 08/08/2022 06:18

beefinthetrifle · 08/08/2022 02:41

If I’m being honest I guess I’m really just feeling resentful that I do all the housework and meals, which I did before but foolishly believed he would help once baby was here. I have brought this up so many times that the domestic side of things I know will never change and we can’t afford a cleaner.

Now I do all of that plus the baby and the not being able to sleep in my bed when I’m just as exhausted is now making me feel bitter.

when he does look after DC to give me a break it’s never really a break as he I still have to help him with something. Or he will watch DC while I make food as he refuses to.

he does sleep on sofa sometimes (days off) but when he’s working he wants the bed.

You may need to put boundaries in place, which will be hard if you didn’t have them in place before. Tell him that when he’s off work he will be responsible for sorting dinner and parenting his child more. Maybe you could physically go out?

Yes he needs time to rest but that shouldn’t mean that he just doesn’t parent his child.
if nothing changes, you may as well go it alone, as least you don’t have the added stress and frustration of him and will actually get a break when he sees DC lol.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/08/2022 06:35

when he does look after DC to give me a break

When he is home from work, he should be looking after the baby 50% of the time, not "to give you a break" but because he is the other parent of the baby.

You both have stressful jobs - yours came with an additional physical cost in that your body produced and bore the baby. When he's at work you are looking after the baby. When he's not at work you share the household tasks and childcare. If he does anything less then he's a shit father and shit husband.

ChickenBurgers · 08/08/2022 06:36

I’d be sacking him off like right now. He won’t change.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/08/2022 06:36

And yeah, it's dangerous for you to be asleep on the sofa with the baby. He needs to prioritise the baby's safety and buy himself a box of earplugs.

Wonnle · 08/08/2022 06:48

JacquelineCarlyle · 08/08/2022 02:12

Surely this is a joke thread - if it's real, you need to tell him to fuck off and sleep downstairs or better still, dump the selfish bastard as you'll be better off in the long run.

Sorry, but this has made me extremely angry on your behalf. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Blimey Charlie a DTB on the first reply .

Now there's a novel answer

Beelezebub · 08/08/2022 07:05

Earplugs and a sofa bed.

Tell him it’s his Christmas present, along with directions back to the 1950s.

Like FUCK would I enable this bullshit.

CrapBucket · 08/08/2022 07:06

I was married to a police officer, it doesn't get better. Sorry. I don't know any happy police marriages or any police dad that does their share.

Whydidimarryhim · 08/08/2022 07:07

Ummm - what an arse - I hope you do have family support - he’s treating you badly - I’m sure you double up on contraception if you have any desire to have sex with him.

Namenic · 08/08/2022 07:08

as people said - sofa is dangerous if you accidentally fell asleep with baby. So he should be on sofa.

He sounds terrible. I would move to parents at least over weekends - if they can mind the baby, you can get some sleep (it is important for your health and baby’s health). I would make clear to him I would leave unless he starts doing more housework. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Anonykunt · 08/08/2022 07:11

He goes to the living room! There's two of you and one of him. Start co-sleeping if you have to. My husband took the living room and I co-slept with my youngest. You need to rest and recover properly and he should be considerate. Don't be a wet wipe and martyr about this or he'll get worse. Insist now.

kateandme · 08/08/2022 07:12

How long will you keep hoping op.looks like it's been a while and u are intact keeping finding new reasons to stay.
You need rid.
Do you still love him?
I'd deff be going to mum's for a stay.you need a break.to think about what's next.and he needs to figure out his shit too.see if he starves or "refuses" to cook.see if he can start being a dad and husband.
You need to sleep op.on a sofa with a baby is not on.