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Original poster

Is it fair DC and I have to sleep in the living room?

180 replies

beefinthetrifle · 08/08/2022 02:08

My partner works as a police officer and is also an extremely light sleeper, before DC was born has no problem falling asleep on the sofa but now DC is born wants to have the bedroom himself and thinks that I should take the bassinet into living room as he wakes up when baby wakes and then can’t get back to sleep.

I understand he has to be alert for his job, but feel like it’s unfair I have to lug baby and bassinet downstairs every night.

we don’t have a spare room, live in a one bed and can’t afford to upsize yet.

Our baby is 11 weeks.

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butterpuffed · 08/08/2022 08:20

Police officers do different shifts. So I hope you sleep back in your own bedroom when he's on nights ?

Confusedteatowel · 08/08/2022 08:24

Having gone through the newborn stage and also worked earlies/lates/nights shift pattern (which is what I'm guessing he is on) there is not much between them in terms of exhaustion imo. He should still sleep in in the living room though, and help on his days off (once he's had a sleep).

Can you get a proper sofa bed and black out blinds for the living room (I rate "magic blackout blinds" from Amazon - they stick to the glass so v little light gets through).

Stripedbag101 · 08/08/2022 08:24

Was he always sexist?

refusing to cook food and do any housework is horrendous. Was he like this when you met?

seems like he has very old fashioned views in general roles - how will you cope when you go back to work?

dod you discuss roles when you got married?

i Couldbt be in a relationship with someone who thinks I have to serve them, have sole responsibility for the children and the house. He clearly doesn’t see you as an equal

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LilacSky95 · 08/08/2022 08:25

My ex used to make me and baby sleep on the sofa so as not to disturb him, and he didn't even work. We split up when DC was 10 months

Beseen22 · 08/08/2022 08:26

Do you have support around you from family/friends? There are some elements of your story that concern me. He has made you believe that he is in charge of the sleeping arrangements and its your duty to go and sleep on the couch. Like it's not even a discussion that he has a big important man job and needs the bed and 12 hours to be able to do it and you deal with the baby and house and cleaning and washing and have his tea ready on the table. And he couldn't possibly make up a bottle because its not him parenting his child but him 'watching the baby as a favour to you' while you rest. If he's able to make himself a coffee he's able to make the baby a bottle.

See how unanimous the thread is...his behaviour and attitude are not normal. Keep close to your family and friends.

MeenzAmRhoi · 08/08/2022 08:26

Sorry but you're with an absolute arsehole...

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2022 08:27

Go to your parents. Today.
Leave him to do his own cooking and cleaning.

He sounds bloody awful to be honest! Poor little man needs his sleep because his job is so more important than you.

Idiot. Him that is, not you.

Go and get some support Flowers

Confusedteatowel · 08/08/2022 08:28

Sorry, didn't see the updates. He sounds like a dick op, I'm sorry.

MissyM96 · 08/08/2022 08:29

I have a 8 month old and just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant… how am I going to cope?!

Nikki305 · 08/08/2022 08:32

You need to go and stay with your parents for a few days, get some rest and some headspace. Then take it from there.
Hopefully the time away will make him realise what an idiot he is, but I fear not!

Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy · 08/08/2022 08:33

If you have only one bedroom and he works shifts I'd probably accept he has to take it, otherwise you'd be stuck upstairs if he slept on the couch so as not to wake him when you're downstairs with the baby. Working shifts and young babies in the house is tough - been there and got the Tshirt!
Saying that, does he wear earplugs, step up and help you when not working/sleeping. If not, you need to sit down and talk through your expectations of how he needs to step up!

HelloThereObiWan · 08/08/2022 08:37

He's not going to change OP.

You might think he can change. But he won't.

Once you have accepted that, you will need to decide if you are willing to accept things the way they are, or if you want to leave him.

AliceW89 · 08/08/2022 08:38

Good to know these misogynistic men are responsible for our safety and well-being.

Sorry you are in this position OP. I’m not sure what the answer is, but he is completely and utterly in the wrong x

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2022 08:38

Divorce.
No question.
This is a horrible man - sexist, lazy, misogynistic, selfish, uncaring. He will not get any better.

Divorce, then you will get child maintenance (which as he's employed he won't be able to cheat) and you will find a weight lift from your shoulders both in the surprisingly high number of hours you put in to doing his share of housework, but the mental negativity lifting off, that's huge.

TommySaid · 08/08/2022 08:40

@MissyM96 start your own thread so posters can give you proper advice else your question is going to get lost x

ToughLoveLDN · 08/08/2022 08:42

Hi OP, wanted to jump in as my DP is police as well.

If I’m quite honest, when DD was a baby I slept on the sofa with her most nights. Even now she’s a toddler I don’t let DP get up with her in the night etc. I’d rather he got a decent nights sleep and he can think properly as that might be the difference between him coming home or not. Not sure where your DH is based but this is a very real worry for us in DH borough.

As you will know the shift patterns are all over the place and when DP is on night shift it is exceptionally hard. I WFH and take care of DD, DP tries to help as much as he can (washing up, laundry etc) but I do believe there is a reason that so many in the police are divorced as being a police wife is pretty lonely. So I empathise massively with what you’re going through.

Some practical advice, you need to be firm with him as you need to sleep as well. He can’t be waking you up to give the baby a bottle. We have a calendar in the kitchen with DP’s shifts on and so I say okay these days you’re off (not all his rest days) are my days you’re having baby the whole day/for a few hours. And I just take time for myself.

gogohmm · 08/08/2022 08:43

My friend has the kind of job people would die if he made a mistake, being tired isn't an option but he still pulls his weight around the house when not at work unless he's 10 hours before starting his next 72 roster period. Sorry no excuses

Nekomata · 08/08/2022 08:46

I think it needs to be said again.

No one should be sleeping on a sofa with a baby. It really isn’t safe at all.

redbigbananafeet · 08/08/2022 08:47

Onandupw · 08/08/2022 05:45

Well obviously he’s awful and he won’t change.

why on earth did you accept doing all the domestic tasks before baby if you worked as well?

do you think it’s a woman’s responsibility and men just deserve to have more down time?

now is the time for you to decide if you’re going to pout up with this shit for the rest of your life or actually value yourself. I repeat. He won’t change.

So he was already a waste of space in a one bed rental. You should have though about leaving before bringing a baby into the mix. Now you need to.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/08/2022 08:47

We are married, we rent. I could live with my parents but I keep hoping he will change and help me more.

Congratulations on your baby OP.

Sorry - your H is not going to change.
Why would he? He has the upper hand. All he has to do is declaim "wife, you & the baby will sleep downstairs while I have the whole bed to myself" - & you comply! All he has to do is refuse to cook, & lo! meals appear by magic! When his wife is at last in an exhausted sleep & the baby wakes for a feed, he won't even feed his own child - why would he, when he can wake his wife up & make her do it instead?

He is a selfish bastard, & you need to go & stay with your folks for a few weeks until he either recognises this, & puts in the effort on the domestic front - or you decide he's a lost cause, & start again without him.

awwbiscuits · 08/08/2022 08:47

What is the point of him?

Tanith · 08/08/2022 08:49

"To the poster asking about male police officers. I know one fairly decent one but the rest tend not to be a nice bunch. It attracts some awful people."

The police officers I've known have all been decent, considerate men, too. Sorry to be NAMALT.

However, this one definitely needs a rocket up his backside!

DFOD · 08/08/2022 08:50

That’s unusual a one bed with stairs…….

KettrickenSmiled · 08/08/2022 08:52

DFOD · 08/08/2022 08:50

That’s unusual a one bed with stairs…….

It's a standard house type, many of them built in the 80's. My mum had one, as did a close pal. But even if they had not, I don't have to have seen one to understand they exist ...

MsRosley · 08/08/2022 08:59

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 02:56

If I were you, I would go to my parents for a good long while, and tell my husband that if he doesn't grow up, I will be filing for divorce. Your husband is being completely unreasonable.

This. OP, you have a choice - refuse to settle for this crap, or resign yourself to being a doormat for the rest of your life.