Is it fair DC and I have to sleep in the living room?

[beefinthetrifle]

My partner works as a police officer and is also an extremely light sleeper, before DC was born has no problem falling asleep on the sofa but now DC is born wants to have the bedroom himself and thinks that I should take the bassinet into living room as he wakes up when baby wakes and then can’t get back to sleep.

I understand he has to be alert for his job, but feel like it’s unfair I have to lug baby and bassinet downstairs every night.

we don’t have a spare room, live in a one bed and can’t afford to upsize yet.

Our baby is 11 weeks.

op please talk to tour mum today.get some support.you sound done in.

Buy a good sofa bed and he can sleep downstairs on it.

You're married, Which is good ...police officers get a great pension, which and he can't duck and dive out of child support if you got divorced.

Your follow up posts show that he's both lazy and selfish. If you don't assert yourself now, things will Ibe get worse if he tries to push you downstairs, tell him you'll call the police.

When DD1 was small she didn't sleep at night, at all. She would wake at 10pm and scream unless she was patted firmly on the back, all night. By the time she was 11 weeks old, she had started drifting off for a couple of hours.

DH slept downstairs and I had her upstairs. Then he would take her from around 4am so that I could have a couple of hours sleep before he went to work. It wasn't great for either of us, but it meant he got enough sleep to function at work (he was a driver, so had to be alert) and I got enough to keep me sane.

How do we know he's the breadwinner? The OP might he earning more, even on a maternity salary. Thousands of women have responsible jobs and when we return to work after mat leave often we're still breastfeeding through the night. I don't understand this thing on MN that men need perfect sleep because they're working; women don't all get fired when they return to work with a non-sleeping baby.

Fuck this. Nooo.

Move house. And no, there are no ‘days off’ when you have a newborn!

He sounds like an absolute cunt. Ask him when you get to rest. Ask him why you're being his skivvy when you've given birth to a child you created together. Ask him how he thinks his female colleagues cope when they have children if everything domestic should be down to women.

The baby is so young - you literally have months or years if this.
You can’t sleep on the sofa all of that time.

Firstly, I would be changing the front room into a 2nd bedroom with a proper bed or sofa bed and decent mattress.

During the week I would sleep in separate rooms and you’ll both have much better sleep
On the weekends you both sleep in the marital bed and you both take in turns to wake up with the baby.

It is fair that during the week DH does less child stuff and housework etc but on the weekend he should absolutely be doing his fair share.

When you do go back to work you need to make sure from day 1 that everything is 50/50.
I can see him thinking that you are the default parent and still not pulling his weight.

If this is actually serious and he's doing this to you I'd suggest to him that you swap OR you move out to live with family where you have a bed room (if that's an option) until he sorts himself out.

You can always look for a larger place if you want to stay with him but he is being ridiculous.

I can understand his point as if he is working a stressful job he needs rest, can you maybe split it 50/50 , you sleep downstairs some of the time, then him?

Not ideal choosing to have a baby in a 1 bed flat, but hope its temporary?

Understand your point.

But if OP makes a mistake in her day because she's tired it can be a lot more harmful than just getting fired? Being a new Mum tired is a whole new ball game to working long hours tired (I've done both so feel I can comment on that)

If he's asking you to sleep downstairs because he's 'deliriously tired' OP and not thinking straight then surely seen as you are now sleeping in the living room he is no longer as tired and can revaluate his decision?

Maybe to makes things fair you could both take it in turns to sleep in the living room. No way should you have to do it everytime. It's ridiculous and very harsh.

I wouldn’t mind so much if he helped me more on his days off, but on his days off he thinks he needs a rest so I don’t really get a break

I guess I’m really just feeling resentful that I do all the housework and meals, which I did before but foolishly believed he would help once baby was here

I could live with my parents but I keep hoping he will change and help me more.

So he's a selfish twat who doesn't lift a finger around the house, is not interested in HIS child, and expects you to sleep on the sofa while he lounges around in the bedroom?

He will never change and I have no idea why you are with him.

Seriously. Pack up and go to your parents TODAY.

You will feel so much better without having to run around after him/walk on eggshells.

Did his excuses! My dh is a hospital doctor and we slept in the same bed from day one of bringing our baby home from hospital. And Dh would often help with night feeds. Then when he got up for work at 6am he would take baby downstairs whilst I had a shower.
Then he would go to work and do complicated procedures and ward rounds!

you have married a man child. A selfish one. Seriously go and stay at your mum’s.

You really really shouldn’t be putting yourself in a position where you’ll fall asleep with the baby on a sofa, please adhere to the guidance, it really is there for a reason. Your dh needs to take the sofa (& grow the fuck up). Has he always been so incapable and immature? He really needs it spelt out to him how dreadfully crap his behaviour is.

Two separate issues here unfortunately. One with the laziness to do his fair share on his days off is unlikely to change I'm afraid. Not on that he came to wake you up when he could have gave baby a bottle himself. You need to think long and hard about what you want. Unfortunately people who do this believe they are entitled to rest on their days off and don't seem to see that when you plan to have a child there are no days off.

It seems common within shift work that they expect to have the full night sleeps when at work which I have supported my DH with (ambulance) but fully expect on his days off that he is helping with the night feeds, up during the day with baby so you can nap and etc etc.

Sorry your going through this OP. I accept the sleep situation (albeit we have spare room so it's easier) but feeling resentful about lack of shared parenting and household chores is something that is unlikely to change and you have to decide if this is something you want to put up with. [Flowers]

If I was you I'd go and stay with your parents for a week or so and perhaps the space will help you both catch up
On some needed rest and then once you are feeling a little less exhausted maybe you will have the headspace to come up with a better plan for moving forwards

@PoundPill - You seem to know more about the OPs life than she does. Perhaps turn the projector off for a bit.

To the poster asking about male police officers. I know one fairly decent one but the rest tend not to be a nice bunch. It attracts some awful people.

OP, this isn’t normal. My relative who is a police officer managed to help with night feeds, housework, family life and still do his job and get promoted. Just like the many other people with front line jobs make and female do everyday. Your DP doesn’t sound great.

I slept on the sofa the first few weeks, but it was because I was bf/ pumping constantly and I needed to be up.
My husband would stay downstairs with DC til 1/2am to allow me to sleep in bed uninterrupted. He’d then bring her up and we’d all sleep in our room until i got up to feed/pump. I then found it easier to sleep on sofa a few hours rather than wake up the house again.

Admittedly I didn’t sleep a lot in the early days but for me it was a choice. I got to have snacks and watch tv whilst pumping.

If you aren’t ready to have it out with him - to be fair to you have a brand new baby to deal with- you still need to change something in your setup otherwise you’ll explode. Not good for either you or baby.

Well I hope I'd never need the help of a police officer with the attitude he's far more important than anyone else and with no respect for woman or children.

What does he think every other dad around the world does if they can't cope with their baby waking up?

Just on a practical basis, you’re going to need a more workable long-term arrangement. The baby is not going to be in a bassinet for much longer. Assuming there is space for a cot the bedroom, you need to be there with the baby and if that’s disturbing your DH then he needs to be able to sleep in living room, which probably means getting a sofa bed or fold up mattress.

What was the plan for sleeping arrangements when you decided to have a baby in a 1 bed house/flat?

Shut up.

I’d absolutely go to your mum’s, not even stepping up on days off and waking you up when you’re having a nap is just awful. What is the plan when you go back to work? Presumably he’s going to be doing some childcare on his off days?

Id be tempted to leave him with the baby for an extended period.

If he is on the sofa then presumably when you and baby are up it disturbs him? You need a plan, choose who gets which room when. Daytime sleeping will need to be away from baby. Is it a sofa bed? If so make it as comfy as possible, memory foam topper?

if you are tired and he is off then go for a nap/bath, tell him what you need him to do. has he got any leave coming up?