Is it fair DC and I have to sleep in the living room?

[beefinthetrifle]

My partner works as a police officer and is also an extremely light sleeper, before DC was born has no problem falling asleep on the sofa but now DC is born wants to have the bedroom himself and thinks that I should take the bassinet into living room as he wakes up when baby wakes and then can’t get back to sleep.

I understand he has to be alert for his job, but feel like it’s unfair I have to lug baby and bassinet downstairs every night.

we don’t have a spare room, live in a one bed and can’t afford to upsize yet.

Our baby is 11 weeks.

[PersonaNonGarter]

Sorry but this DH is a dick. And the OP has caused some of the problem by acting like it was 1952 before the baby arrived.

OP, you both work, you both clean, you both cook, you both pay rent/mortgage, you both raise the baby. It may not be how your parents did it but if you want things to work in 2022 on two incomes with some self-respect, that’s how it has to be.

[Dotcheck]

@dreamingofsun

I cant believe some of the stupid suggestions on here. No wonder there are so many single parent famiies around.

He is trying to hold down a detailed and dangerous/stressful job with limited sleep. This must be a nightmare. Driving fast, dealing with people and knives if you arent on your top game doesnt bear thinking about.

Talk to each other to find a solution. This might be moving to a bigger place, or you going back to work so you can earn more money to enable this Ignore the knee jerk idiot suggestions made by some on here

<<eyeroll>>

And his job stops him from cooking meals on his day off? What on earth do officers without partners do for food?
He can’t do basic adult tasks like housework, or caring for HIS CHILD? Because that would drain his ability to concentrate when he is at work? Again, how do they function if they don’t have a mother/partner to look after them.
Genuine question

[beefinthetrifle]

I don't sleep with DC on the sofa, I sleep on sofa and he sleeps in bassinet. We do have plans to rent a two bed when DC is one, so this will probably help a lot jn terms of sleeping arrangements. I guess what's hit home and I know this is something I should have realised earlier and very naive of me, is that it's unlikely he will help me with housework, cooking and with baby because he doesn't that much now.

His days off are his days off, he won't even come for a walk with us.

I don't want to leave but keep hoping it will get better. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

[AryaStarkWolf]

He sounds like quite the catch.....

If you move back with your parents you might actually get some rest and help. What good is this guy to you?

[Buythebag]

His days off are his days off, he won't even come for a walk with us.

That's awful. And not normal.

[awwbiscuits]

It won't get better op.

[30mph]

He's failing 'good husband and dad' standards. You said when he was on paternity leave that he was good, apart from the housework: erm, what was he actually doing?! Nothing about him sounds like he is nurturing and supporting.

Go to your parents. At this time you and your baby's health and wellbeing must be a priority. Either he will then shape up and step up to the mark, or he won't. Then you can consider options sensibly before you go back to work. Meanwhile, if there is any risk of getting pregnant again, triple protection.

[Headbandheart]

Right, you need to stop doing any cooking, housework etc for him. Just stop. When he asks why there is no tea for him, why his clothes aren’t washed etc just ask him how you are supposed to do that on top of looking after a baby with no sleep and not sleeping in your own bed.
he is taking the piss.
just stop enabling him.

[Maybeebebe]

His days off are his days off, he won't even come for a walk with us.
What a total cunt


I don't want to leave but keep hoping it will get better. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

It is not going to get better
He is a selfish lazy arsehole
You should go

Imagine how much easier your life will be with just one child to look after

[PixellatedPixie]

So when you go back to work, presumably you and DH will have roughly the same work hours. Will he expect you to do all the shopping,
cooking and cleaning after work, as well as the majority of the childcare? How is that fair?

[Snog]

Tell him what you want, ask him what he wants and see if you can find a solution together.

If that can't be done then perhaps the relationship is not ever going to work.

[SmallPrawnEnergy]

@beefinthetrifle

I don't sleep with DC on the sofa, I sleep on sofa and he sleeps in bassinet. We do have plans to rent a two bed when DC is one, so this will probably help a lot jn terms of sleeping arrangements. I guess what's hit home and I know this is something I should have realised earlier and very naive of me, is that it's unlikely he will help me with housework, cooking and with baby because he doesn't that much now.

His days off are his days off, he won't even come for a walk with us.

I don't want to leave but keep hoping it will get better. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

As if you’re still planing a future with this man. He won’t change. Good luck, you and your child will need it.

[Ellie56]

I don't want to leave but keep hoping it will get better. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

It's not going to get better. He's a lazy selfish twat and you deserve better. I would dump him now. As PP said then you will only have one child to deal with.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Ellie56

I don't want to leave but keep hoping it will get better. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is.

It's not going to get better. He's a lazy selfish twat and you deserve better. I would dump him now. As PP said then you will only have one child to deal with.

1 child to deal with and she might actually get some help and support from her parents!

[rainbowstardrops]

I said earlier, that I think you should go and stay with your parents for a bit. Just to get some rest and support.
Then go from there.

[Tanith]

@Plumtreebob I'm sorry to read that, and I didn't intend to question your own experience. I was born into a Services family and there is definitely a type of alpha man who is attracted to that kind of job.

[Plumtreebob]

@Tanith - I know, so just wanted to add context to my original comments. I will admit my experience is only across two forces which border each other (one being the Met which seems to have an awful culture).

[Ugzbugz]

Where is the baby going to sleep when they don't fit in the bassinet anymore?

Go to your parents, he sounds awful and it won't get any better.

[bluedomino]

He has no respect for you. He thinks you are his housekeeper, cook and now nanny. If he is struggling that much with shift work then he can request family friendly hours and start pulling his weight. He won't do that though because he will lose his antisocial hours allowance.

I hope he doesn't expect you to go part time and do all housework, cooking and childcare. I cannot stress this enough - DO NOT GO PARTTIME - keep your full-time hours as you will need the money if you come to your senses and leave him. Don't get trapped, with no options, on a low wage with him holding all the cards. Think and plan for a future without him, make sure you have the same pension and that you can stand financially on your own. Childcare costs are not yours alone. So any argument that childcare will take all YOUR wages need to be nipped in the bud now. He need to know that how you are living now is unsustainable, you can't work full-time, do all housework and all the childcare. The police don't work that hard, they sit around a lot, they won't admit it but they do. Plus he always had some backup, whereas at home there is only you and that's why your rest is more important than his.

I think you should ask him to leave. You won't miss him as he brings nothing to the table. I cant believe you can only afford a one bed house on two wages. Is he truthful about what he is earning? Or is he the classic policeman tosser who is paying for a car he can't really afford while you drive a teeny car?

Ask him to go for a couple of weeks and see how well you cope. It's much easier dealing with kids alone without a deadbeat dad in tow.

Either leave, kick him out or resign yourself to a crap life as police only get worse. Once he can push you around telling you where to sleep, refuse to go out with you his natural progression is to find you boring and look for a younger model without kids in tow. Sorry I'm not being nasty, it's just what I've seen 80% of the policemen do. Fundamentally they are without morals and don't think normal rules apply.

[Icequeen01]

@Tanith

"To the poster asking about male police officers. I know one fairly decent one but the rest tend not to be a nice bunch. It attracts some awful people."

The police officers I've known have all been decent, considerate men, too. Sorry to be NAMALT.

However, this one definitely needs a rocket up his backside!

First sensible post I've seen!

I can't believe all this hatred towards the police on here and amazed that so many MN's have met all 140,000 police officers in the UK and can state as a fact that they know they are all rotten. I have been married to one for many years and my dad was also a police officer. I can assure you they are both decent human beings! Of course there are some rotten ones and the Op's DH is certainly sounds like a waste of space and he needs to step up or she needs to leave.

[Quitelikeit]

There’s no way he’s going to return home from work one day and magically change

unfortunately for you he seems to have a very oppressive view of your role within the home

i Feel disgusted on your behalf that he won’t let you have a sleep and that he woke you to give the baby a bottle

I would go to your parents house to see if it gives him a shock

[arethereanyleftatall]

Like everyone else, I disagree wholeheartedly with @dreamingofsun . It's attitudes and 'advice' like that which render far far too many utterly miserable women.
The man is a cunt. No amount of talking to or reasoning with will change that.

[dreamingofsun]

Well I guess we will all have to live with differing views. I still hold that if you bring a child into the world you have a responsibility towards it and part of that is to bring it up in the best circumstances (2 parents who love each other).

If someone isnt pulling their weight you dont immediately get rid of them without some discussion and adjustment time. Some people who arent good at domestic stuff and need some education on what to do - they arent immediately going to become domestic goddesses because a child has arrived. especially if they arent sleeping.

some of you clearly have husbands who need little sleep and are good at household stuff. Lucky you, but others are going to need more training. Maybe thats wrong but that is just life. no-one is perfect. Dont get me wrong, things should be split on non work days and a compromise should be found to enable everyone to sleep - but the main suggestion on here is about splitting up which is extreme.

[Plumtreebob]

@dreamingofsun - You need to raise your expectations. Men are not dogs to be trained, they are adult humans. Funnily enough women are just expected to know how to clean, cook, raise a child and then for some inexplicable reason “train” men as well. How about we all have higher expectations of each other and then those who think the chores of domestic life are optional find their options of a partner are thin on the ground.

[Livpool]

@Aquamarine1029

If I were you, I would go to my parents for a good long while, and tell my husband that if he doesn't grow up, I will be filing for divorce. Your husband is being completely unreasonable.

I agree with this.

He sounds awful and lie he won't change if you have already spoken to him