MIL put photos of my baby on Facebook without permission

[sasscass]

Do any of you think this is really cheeky and disrespectful?
the day after my baby was born, my partner and I asked his parents to drop us off home from hospital and his mom slyly took a picture of our baby in her car seat and put it on her Facebook. It is set to friends only, as all her posts are, but that doesn’t mean anything since she has hundreds and hundreds of friends … none of which who I know or ever heard of. About 100 different people congratulated her on the birth of my baby and it made me uncomfortable.

im such a people pleaser and I find it hard to say no. It’s something I need to work on. But she didn’t even ask, and if she had then I would’ve told her no, not in a million years. She posted a picture of my partners little sister holding our baby when we went to visit a few days after she was born… yet again, no permission from me or my partner. My MIL and FIL live online, what they eat, what they are currently doing is ALL plastered on facebook. This is concerning since it’s a safety concern for my newborn, what about when (or if, at this rate) I FINALLY trust them enough to have her for the day and they post sensitive information about her?! Or they post a pic of her in her school uniform?! It is NOT okay.

my MIL and FIL are basically strangers to me so I’m not even okay with going round to visit them. They don’t address me, if they want permission to hold the baby they ask my partner. There’s no consideration or respect for me and my feelings. I feel pushed out and I feel like my baby isn’t even mine when I’m around the in laws.
i got pregnant, stupidly, 3 months into our relationship and I didn’t have time to get to know his family. They kept saying they would arrange something for us all to go out together and they never did. I’ve exchanged several sentences with his parents, never spoken to his siblings and that’s it.
i am very protective over my baby and I find it hard to share her, especially with people who I don’t know.
it’s damaging my mental health and I told my partner, he saw how upset I was and he said that he doesn’t have a problem with the pictures being posted online and so i need to say something if I have a problem with it. I understand that but I just know if I say something to his mother about the pictures then she will hate me… and if she dislikes me then I won’t be ok with leaving our baby with her. I don’t want to get on the wrong side of people, but I want and need to protect my daughter.

im not okay with it and I need to speak up. I don’t know why I find it so hard, as if I’m demanding too much for asking her to take the pictures down and to never post on social media about MY baby.

i just had to vent before I go ahead and send the message to her.
i wondered if anybody else had a similar issue with in laws being overbearing and/or doing things without permission? I feel so alone. This has caused arguments between me and my partner, I guess he takes it personally since it’s his family but I feel like my feelings don’t matter.

But what do you actually think is going to HAPPEN to your child as a result of a photo being put on Facebook? Paedophiles do exist, yes, but how will a photo online put your child in actual danger?

I've felt a bit uncomfortable reading your post OP if I am honest.
The baby is of course yours and your partners but the baby is also a grandchild to grandparents who should be able to hold them without having to ask permission. Putting a photo on Facebook shouldn't be a massive deal but if it is then all you need to do is say something. It's quite normal for people to share things online.
I really get the jist that you don't want these grandparents involved or only to your approval and I don't think that's fair. You have a baby who will be missing out if you continue this way.

If it's just the photo that bothers you then say soemthing but I really think you need to change your attitude as this will not help you in the long run.

@Kite22 he isn’t happy with it. He’s indifferent. And the more I’ve spoken about it and the potential risks it poses he is more against it than anything. Just at first he didn’t see the problem until I educated him on safeguarding.

it’s not unreasonable. Anybody who thinks it is excessive or unreasonable to protect a child is just downright bad.

The use of the word 'sly' is nasty.

Your baby has two parents, your DP gets a say in this.

Most babies look the same - no paedophile is going to be interested in a photo of your baby.

I agree, as your child gets older, there needs to be a discussion about posting photos online, but tbh, they'll probably be posting photos of themselves before too many years have passed.

You seem to be working yourself into a lather about this and are in danger of ruining your relationship with your DP's parents before you've even started.

Ok, let's say some nutter decides they want to steal a photo and edit it in some horrific way to get their rocks off. How does that endanger your child? That nutter could just go and photograph a random child in a park if they wanted to.

Honestly op, no one is disagreeing with you not wanting photos of you child online , that's absolutely your decision. What the majority of people on here are saying that as your mil by your own admission is a prolific social medial user and you hadn't said anything to her in advance , she probably saw no big deal is sharing a photo of her new grandchild on line.. I'd should send a what's Ap along the times the poster about suggested and then that's it
There are hills to die on and there are hills that aren't and imo it's not worth going in all guns blazing on every little issue or you will end up falling out permanently with your in laws which you may not mind but I'm sure would be hurtful for your dh and will put a stain on that relationship too. Send that text and forget about it and just enjoy your baby .

10 years from now the OP will be the one responsible for her childs class never having any nativity pictures from school. Never having sports day pictures. Never having anything made public......

How sad that a grandmother cant celebrate her grandchild. Is a picture on facebook any more dangerous than her taking the child out in a pushchair for anyone public to see? Unless the picture was somehow of a naked baby, it is probably just a little pink ball of flesh with little redeeming features.

Let her grandmother celebrate.

@watermelonlipbalm my mil, the same woman who posted about my partner going through puberty, posting excessively revealing information on social media.. you think that’s okay?! I don’t think our baby will be missing out if I protect her from being exposed like that.

parents have the last day at the end of the day, if he hasn’t been okay with something then I comply, he should do the same for me.. which he is starting to do, after informing him about safeguarding and how dangerous it can be to post children online.

YABVU

Just wait until she is 13 and dancing on TikTok in a bikini OP. You won’t even know she is unless you plan to ban her from having a mobile, but then you can’t contact her 😱
Sorry I know you have just had your baby and might be feeling a little anxious, but there are only going to get more reasons to get anxious so you need to calm a little. FWIW I don’t post many photos of my kids on SM either and don’t get people who put lots of photos off as seems a little bit intrusive to their privacy somehow, but all babies look the same to other people.

@sasscass I think you're making a rod for your own back and you will end up create a very bug wedge in the family.
You either accept your in laws, talk to them about your concerns or you cut them off.
This bitterness and anger which you don't seem to be doing anything about isn't going to get you anywhere fast.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Unfortunately things like this happen, and will happen often. Someone will buy their first doll or shoes or haircut, without asking you. At some stage you will be disappointed and feel like in laws or parents or aunties are trying to take over. The fact is other people will Love your baby too. They are roles in baby's life and baby will (hopefully) be blessed by them. You are the mummy and irreplaceable of course.

You MiL took a photo of her grandchild in a car seat- normal. Actually, normal would be to request to hold the baby for the photo, and do that. I don't share pics of my kids on social media, but a few by others without tags etc, I can't get too worried about. So don't overreact, don't let it spoil your first few days or relationship with in laws. For practically strangers, it was good of them to pick you up when asked. And IMO grandma must be fairly pleasant to have a 100 congratulatory comments. How nice for her, and by extension- you. Many people love the pic of your baby and wish you well. Eat chocolate and cuddle baby.

@Tessasanderson she won’t be a ball of flesh with little redeeming features in the future.
and if I don’t do something now then it’ll continue.

for you to say that my child will never have pictures taken of her because I’m not okay with her grandparents not asking for consent is ridiculous. Not everything has to be plastered online, I hope you don’t have children because it just goes to show how many people have no consideration for the child and their safety.

I know plenty about safeguarding from various roles over the years, you seem to have an exceptionally skewed view of the risks and a lot of this seems to be more about your dislike of your in laws.

if you and the baby’s father agree (and not just him being railroaded to agree) nothing online that’s fine but you then need to have discussions with people not assume they will know your feelings!!

OP there's nothing wrong with not wanting pictures of your child on social media, but you do have to let people know that, which I can see in your post you plan to do. I'd advise for the sake of good relationships that you tell her in person rather than send a message as these things can sometimes come across badly in the written form. Just a polite "oh me and partner don't want pics on social media, so if you could not put any more up we'd appreciate it" should do it.

OP, you're absolutely entitled to have any concerns you want about SM and to ask your in-laws not to post pix without your permission. I suggest being mindful of how you word it to them though, because if they think you're accusing their friends of being paedophiles WW3 might break out and it sounds like things are fraught between you enough.

Agree with @Crazycrazylady

Maybe just have a discussion with her- say she can share pics with close relatives privately, but for the time being you would prefer no pics posted on fb.

For what it’s worth, my kids were small when fb started, and I didn’t post their pictures- not because I felt they would be in danger, but because it is THEIR image, not mine. Not quite sure if I’m explaining it properly, but that’s how I felt.
I’ve changed my mind since. I have a pretty good understanding of internet safety, and I don’t think a picture posted of a newborn is particularly dangerous. But- you feel how you feel. Just talk to them calmly no need to go in all guns blazing at this stage.
Good luck!

Exactly

it’s not unreasonable. Anybody who thinks it is excessive or unreasonable to protect a child is just downright bad.

But that's not what we are discussing on this thread.

You don't like your MiL (or PiLs?).
You have convinced your partner that a picture of a fully clothed baby in a car seat posted on a private FB page is somehow a risk to your baby - even though this goes against all common sense, you are obviously entitled to your opinion.

You hadn't asked her not to share any photos and are somehow expecting her to know about your decision without telling her.

What do you mean harm's way?
Are you feeling ok after giving birth? Postnatal anxiety and paranoia are quite common.
Tell MIL she can't post any more pictures.

@Dotcheck thank you for this reply. I agree, part of my issue is due to that too, the fact that it’s intrusive and she can’t consent to her picture being on there.
another part of my issue is that my mil didn’t ask, as mentioned, not that I should expect her to considering how much she uses social media but still… it feels disrespectful to me and the baby.

a newborn picture isn’t dangerous as such but I’m just fearful for when she’s older, a toddler and a young child in particular. And the digital trail it leaves.

i think the problem is you seem very militant, and unwilling to discuss things calmly. You’re attacking everyone here (even when they generally agree with you!). So you’re not bothered (or maybe even keen?) about causing an issue with your PILs and having tension/a fall out. It seems strange