5 year old doesn't want to go to grandparents' house... What do I do?

[mummabubs]

Background info: My in-laws and parents live 3 hours away from us (but close to eachother). We see them every month or two, usually go for a weekend and stay overnight. My parents are very natural at playing with our son and interact with him. For reasons best known to them, DH's parents played a lot with my SiL's two children and show them a lot of attention, but never play with and essentially ignore our son. I don't doubt that they love him, but something is obviously getting in the way of them spending quality time with him when we visit. (I mean it's literally as bad as they say hi when we arrive and then barely to him after that). It hurts me as his mum, but I've also tried to foster equal opportunities for a relationship between them and DS as my parents have.

So the current situation: We are due to go and visit my parents this weekend, DH had said he will pop over to his parents on Sunday and take DS with him. When i was alone with DS earlier today he spontaneously told me he doesn't want to go to in-laws' house, he doesn't like them and they don't play with him. He wants to stay at my parents' house with me. He then asked me why don't they play with him. I tried to stay curious and neutral and reassured him that they love him but find playing difficult. He asked why again and I didn't know what to say, because I don't know. He asked me to promise that he doesn't have to go round. I didn't say yes or no, but said I'd talk to DH. The whole conversation felt heart-breaking as I've always feared he'd start picking up on their apparent lack of interest in him compared to his cousins.

I've relayed the conversation to DH and he said it's not a big deal, 5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't. There's a part of me that does understand DH's reaction, and I do agree at 5 years old we still need to make lots of decisions for DS. However there's also a part of me that feels like he's voiced his feelings, been able to justify why he doesn't want to go, and I know in all likelihood he will be bored and ignored at their house. Interested in other people's experiences or thoughts about how to strike a balanced between acknowledging and respecting DS's (valid) feelings and also not hurting DH and his parents. Thanks all.

Sorry, I should clarify I understand DH's point about deciding where we go etc, I disagree that it's not a big deal. It clearly is to DS.

I personally don’t have any expectations grandparents need to play with their grandchildren- just to give another viewpoint I certainly wouldn’t expect it of any of our 4 grandparents ; and if they aren’t interacting maybe your DH could help it by involving your DS a bit or suggesting an activity they’d all enjoy even if it’s just a walk. Or he could include DS in conversations more. I would also have responded differently to your DS’ comments and said not all adults want to play and that it’s still lovely to see them .
in terms of your D’s’ feelings you’re clearly a thoughtful and amazing mum. I don’t think it’ll do him any harm to just fit in with what’s going on and maybe being an activity he likes Or ask to keep something there if it helps ?

Don't mention it again, until you are there. Is there a reason you won't be going?

Ps my post sounds a bit negative and I didn’t mean it too, I meant it to be soothing and to suggest not all families show their love the same way as it’s hard when your own are clearly involved and make a lovely effort . And your feelings on it are valid too so it may be worth saying something gently

Does your DH recognise his parents' shit treatment of your son, and has he spoken to them about it?

He's told you clearly that he doesn't want to go, and tbh I would be respecting that. It's not like he said "I don't want to go to granny's cs they don't have any toys and it's boring" - he's pinpointed the fact that ignore him. At 5 he probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to say "it hurts my feelings and makes me unhappy" but he's made it pretty darn clear.

If I were you, I'd be saying to DH that he's not going, and reminding him that his parents don't pay any attention to DS when he's there so it's not like they'll miss him. Your son is a person, not a prop.

Of course he needs to do what he is told and visit his grandparents. Get him a new toy and leave it at their house and play with it next time.

Thanks @ChickpeaFlour, I agree about it not being an essential for grandparents to be playful, my grandma never was! I've often said to DH it's the inequity that they treat my nieces so differently. If they just weren't playful or interactive in general I'd be more understanding, I promise!

Interesting idea, although this is surely bribing him to go with toys, which doesn't really fit with me.

Yes, it's definitely partly a DH issue as he won't say anything to them. He literally said to me earlier "I can't force them to play with him". He's right of course, but I feel we shouldn't have to force them to show an interest in him at all yet I know they'll be offended if DS doesn't go. He's definitely a bit of a trophy grandson I think, my MiL always asks to hold his hand in public but shows zilcho inclination to talk to him at home.

I am probably being slightly over protective here but there is no way on earth I’d force my son to visit under those circumstances.

Mine is four but is plenty old enough to articulate his feelings and your DH suggesting a 5 year old isn’t old enough to have a say in what he does totally undermines him. I’d also worry that ignoring how your DS is feeling and taking him anyway would make him less likely to vocalise his feelings in the future.

@LIZS I'd normally always go, but my sisiter is visiting from overseas and won't be in the UK again until next year so I'm making the most of time with her at my parents.

Tricky one. I think I’d lean towards seeing it as a learning experience for your DS, a chance to learn about the weird world where people play favourites and can be neglectful/mean, but ultimately he’ll learn (because he has you alongside him helping him make sense of it) that it’s about their shortcomings, not him being unlovable, and that he’s still okay. That seems like a really valuable lesson to me that he’ll learn in a safe way because he has loving parents alongside him. Not the end of the world. Another aspect is teaching him how to entertain himself and engage with what interests him even when others don’t want to play with him, so agree with PP who said take something to do with him. Have confidence in your ability as a parent to emotionally protect him even if you’re not physically present during the visit.

My in laws are crap compared to my parents. My kids complain about going all of the time. I don't particularly enjoy going either but made a big point of telling my kids they're family, obligation to visit, MIL is disabled and already technically died once, probably only has a few years left etc. For the sake of an afternoon, can he not take some toys or books to entertain himself?

Also in-laws won't keep toys for our son there. They got rid of all the toys as soon as their granddaughters grew out of them (they're a couple of years older than our son) so there's quite literally nothing there for him to play with and he says he's bored. We go on walks if the weather is OK and we bring some of our own toys but as they're all familiar to him they don't hold his interest for long. (and apart from the ethical side of feeling like I'm bribing him to go there I also can't afford to buy him new Lego every time we go there). Lego is the only thing he'll be bribed with I've previously discovered. 😅

So your SIL has 2 DDs, who they play/ed with or doted on.

And their DS (your DH) has a boy they’re not interested in?

Is there a bit of a pattern of favouring girl children? Is your SIL the ‘golden child’ and your DH not treated quite the same in other ways too - now, or when growing up?

If so, that may explain your DH’s reluctance to acknowledge this or tackle it with his DPs…

Perhaps you could go too? Then every so often suggest something:

perhaps grandad could read 5yo a book
how about a game of snakes and ladders
would (whichever of them does the gardening) like to show 5yo the plants
shall we all walk to the park

and if they've shot down all your ideas then you take 5yo to the park by yourself, and point out what happened to H when you get him alone.

Suggest to your DH that if he wants to see his parents with DS, they all meet up somewhere for an outing somewhere DS will enjoy. No need for it to be boring, then.

Are you sure that he hasn't overheard you saying this and is now just repeating what he has heard?

I feel like I'm literally torn between what @grosgirl and @Heroicallyl0st articulate so well. Half of me feels it's important to validate my son's feelings, as I understand he's hurting. I want to protect him from feeling rejected. The other half of me knows he won't be able to avoid boredom/ tricky relationships in life. DH seems adament that he's going... I forsee our son screaming that he's not and then telling everyone on the other side exactly why he doesn't want to be there. (The beauty of 5 year olds having no filter and only a developing sense of social etiquette!).

@NoSquirrels ironically SiL's narrative is exactly the opposite, that she was the ignored and unwanted child and DH was the golden boy 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think kids today expect everyone to engage and entertain them. Children need to learn that it's not just about them but can sit and listen to there family conversations. I'm old but when we where kids and went to our grandparents they never played with us we would get a icy pole and sat and listened to our parents talk. We loved our grandparents

It would be a solid no from me. They aren't all that interested in him , so why make him be unhappy in their company. Your son obviously knows they aren't bothered, my nan never played with me, she was too old but I always felt loved and wanted, she interacted with me in her own way , even though I was one of the very last grandchildren.

Also, I wouldn't want my DD to expect her grandparents to 'play' with her anyway, particularly at 5 years old.

To be honest, maybe your DS going and explaining why he doesn’t want to be there will lead to your in-laws bucking up their ideas a bit! Might not be such a bad thing.

Would be a shame for him to feel upset about being forced to go though and it sound like your DH is being pretty inflexible.

My FiL has never spoken to my DS, let alone played with him. So if we visited there, I played with DS (and DD, who although not ignored in the sane way was quick to pick up the general atmosphere). I took along boos, colouring, games etc etc and we would quietly occupy ourselves in a corner while DH talked to his dad.

We have thereby avoided public rows (boy cousins, slightly younger, are doted on) but it was always a full on solo parenting event for me.

In uour place, if DH wants to take your DS, and you aren’t going, DH has to be aware that he is committed to making sure DS is quietly and fully occupied throughout, not expect him to ‘entertain himself’ while DH makes adult conversation. And DS needs to know that it us ok that grandparents aren’t playing with him, because his dad will make sure he is kept fully occupied.