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Parenting

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Original poster

5 year old doesn't want to go to grandparents' house... What do I do?

130 replies

mummabubs · 25/07/2022 22:08

Background info: My in-laws and parents live 3 hours away from us (but close to eachother). We see them every month or two, usually go for a weekend and stay overnight. My parents are very natural at playing with our son and interact with him. For reasons best known to them, DH's parents played a lot with my SiL's two children and show them a lot of attention, but never play with and essentially ignore our son. I don't doubt that they love him, but something is obviously getting in the way of them spending quality time with him when we visit. (I mean it's literally as bad as they say hi when we arrive and then barely to him after that). It hurts me as his mum, but I've also tried to foster equal opportunities for a relationship between them and DS as my parents have.

So the current situation: We are due to go and visit my parents this weekend, DH had said he will pop over to his parents on Sunday and take DS with him. When i was alone with DS earlier today he spontaneously told me he doesn't want to go to in-laws' house, he doesn't like them and they don't play with him. He wants to stay at my parents' house with me. He then asked me why don't they play with him. I tried to stay curious and neutral and reassured him that they love him but find playing difficult. He asked why again and I didn't know what to say, because I don't know. He asked me to promise that he doesn't have to go round. I didn't say yes or no, but said I'd talk to DH. The whole conversation felt heart-breaking as I've always feared he'd start picking up on their apparent lack of interest in him compared to his cousins.

I've relayed the conversation to DH and he said it's not a big deal, 5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't. There's a part of me that does understand DH's reaction, and I do agree at 5 years old we still need to make lots of decisions for DS. However there's also a part of me that feels like he's voiced his feelings, been able to justify why he doesn't want to go, and I know in all likelihood he will be bored and ignored at their house. Interested in other people's experiences or thoughts about how to strike a balanced between acknowledging and respecting DS's (valid) feelings and also not hurting DH and his parents. Thanks all.

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Original poster

mummabubs · 26/07/2022 18:44

@WorkingItOutAsIGo I did used to pull him up on it and encourage him not to use it, but I can see why he's ended up like that as they all just sit staring at screens or not talking to eachother 😅 I'm aware my family is probably at the other end of the spectrum, I don't even take my phone out of my bag often when we're there unless it's to take a photo.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummabubs · 26/07/2022 18:45

I'm going to have another talk with DH tonight about what the plan is. Obviously the ideal is that DS decides he wants to go, but if on the day he doesn't then I think we as parents at least need to be on the same page as to what our response is... And right now I think we have different ones.

OP posts:

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 26/07/2022 20:20

You do sound like a really great person, so I don’t want to criticise you or blame you for your DHs behaviour, but I would encourage you to do two things:

remind him he is modelling for your DS how you behave when you visit your DPs as an adult: is this what he wants his DS to do in 30 years time?
ask yourself whether you are forcing a relationship none of them value? Perhaps you can let go of that social responsibility: just because you are a woman you don’t have to fix the relationship between DH and his DPs? Seems like none of them are bothered…

I hope you have the most amazing time with your Dsis!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

NoSquirrels · 26/07/2022 20:28

mummabubs · 26/07/2022 09:48

Maybe @Sswhinesthebest. Honestly how our visits go is MiL spends 90% of the time cooking in the kitchen so sees no one, DH makes conversation with them for 10 minutes when we arrive and then sits on his phone. His dad does his own thing around the house, so bar sitting together at the dinner table there's actually virtually no time that we're all together anyway!

Given this, I’d absolutely say your DS doesn’t have to go. I’d ask DH to say that your sister really wanted to spend time with him, and everyone agreed that was a good idea given how little she’s seen him. So DH left him behind this time.

I bet part of your DH doesn’t want to go either, and he’s using your DS coming along as a reason to justify the visit.

In future I’d look for neutral ground trips to meet up - at an attraction, or interesting location - at least every other visit to them.

Their house sounds deathly dull for everyone!

johnd2 · 26/07/2022 20:58

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 18:15

@johnd2 best way is to teach kids "don't go out of your way to be a dick" and also "definitely don't go out of your way for someone who is a dick to you".

Harder to explain when they're really little but the principle still applies applies.

Thanks yeah that is one way of summing it up in a motto! 😄 and given space kids they will find their way of following their own values in time

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