5 year old doesn't want to go to grandparents' house... What do I do?

[mummabubs]

Background info: My in-laws and parents live 3 hours away from us (but close to eachother). We see them every month or two, usually go for a weekend and stay overnight. My parents are very natural at playing with our son and interact with him. For reasons best known to them, DH's parents played a lot with my SiL's two children and show them a lot of attention, but never play with and essentially ignore our son. I don't doubt that they love him, but something is obviously getting in the way of them spending quality time with him when we visit. (I mean it's literally as bad as they say hi when we arrive and then barely to him after that). It hurts me as his mum, but I've also tried to foster equal opportunities for a relationship between them and DS as my parents have.

So the current situation: We are due to go and visit my parents this weekend, DH had said he will pop over to his parents on Sunday and take DS with him. When i was alone with DS earlier today he spontaneously told me he doesn't want to go to in-laws' house, he doesn't like them and they don't play with him. He wants to stay at my parents' house with me. He then asked me why don't they play with him. I tried to stay curious and neutral and reassured him that they love him but find playing difficult. He asked why again and I didn't know what to say, because I don't know. He asked me to promise that he doesn't have to go round. I didn't say yes or no, but said I'd talk to DH. The whole conversation felt heart-breaking as I've always feared he'd start picking up on their apparent lack of interest in him compared to his cousins.

I've relayed the conversation to DH and he said it's not a big deal, 5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't. There's a part of me that does understand DH's reaction, and I do agree at 5 years old we still need to make lots of decisions for DS. However there's also a part of me that feels like he's voiced his feelings, been able to justify why he doesn't want to go, and I know in all likelihood he will be bored and ignored at their house. Interested in other people's experiences or thoughts about how to strike a balanced between acknowledging and respecting DS's (valid) feelings and also not hurting DH and his parents. Thanks all.

I think if the child doesn't want to go visit then definitely don't make him,if you do bring him stay with him

Is it only DH who wants DS to visit?

If the grandparents aren't bothered, and DS wants to stay with you, then what's the point in forcing him?

I think I'd let.him spend as much time with Auntie as possible assuming auntie wants to see him. On this occasion let DH visit alone.

However if Auntie wasn't there I'd probably say he has to visit granny "we are all going your too young to stay home". I'd take a game and a couple of cars or something with you to entertain.
Kids will play with whatever you take - especially if they have nothing else to play with. Visits and holidays is when I realise less.is more when it comes to toys but I struggle thinning them out.

Your little one is only 5 but remembers how he felt about visiting them even though those visits are not often. That says alot to me that he's had this on his mind. Poor kid. He shouldn't be made to go anywhere. He's not acting up because he's bored he's said how it makes him feel. Maybe say to dh that your sister wants to spend as much time with you all while she's visiting and he's more than welcome to visit his parents but your son can stay with you this time. Just because he's a small child doesn't mean his feelings aren't valid.

5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't.
DH can bring a pad and some crayons for your DS to play with at IL's house, they don't need to stay long.
MY DC would definitely have picked up negativity from me if I felt my IL's favoured other young family members, so maybe that is the issue?

I don’t think they need to play with him. I’ve a niece who is shy but is quite happy for short family visits as long as she can sit with her dad and he makes sure she’s got a drink and a book or colouring book or whatever and is responsive to her needs.

You need to teach your son that his boundaries are important. If he doesn't want to see someone then that should be respected.
If there is a reason they can't be fulfilled then that's fair enough and it should be explained, but when the explanation is that someone else's feelings are more important than his, then that's a really really bad lesson.
What you teach your kids in their formative years are what they internalise as adults. The same as many adults in this thread have internalised also. It's not selfish to prioritise your own feelings, even as a child.
So start as you mean to go on, otherwise the forced grandparent visit can turn into the relationship that they can't quite leave.
Good luck and I hope you manage ok.

I know my mother values seeing me on my own sometimes, much as she loves her GC, she also loves one on one time with her DD. So perhaps the win here is your DH goes alone so he can give his parents his full attention; and DS stays with you to see his aunt.

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh especially to other posters on here myself included.
It's so difficult to help your children with boundaries especially where they conflict with other people's needs, but it's so important to teach and reinforce. Hence my strong feelings

This is a very clear explanation of boundaries Op, I hope you can hear it

Honestly, I wonder how much of this comes from you. You are very clearly resentful of the nieces, so much so that I can't see how he wouldn't have picked up on your feelings.
Don't see the need for such drama. He's 5, he can make it through a visit to people that love him. He's also old enough to take something to occupy himself if no one 'plays' with him.

Is this happening in front of him or at a different time? If it's happening in front of him I wouldn't be making him go.

Absolutely this x

Exactly. Poor little boy. He can tell they’re not that interested in him.

I thought these days we’d got away from the notion that young children should just do as they’re told and their (completely justified) feelings are to be ignored. Yet there’s loads of it on this thread which I find quite depressing. “Duty visits” are bad enough for adults but really miserable for young kids. I can remember dreary, pointless visits to grumpy aunts when I as little, being ignored and told to play on my own, being told to sit still / be quiet all the time (I was a quiet child anyway!} Why have a child visit if you’re not interested in interacting and just want them to be a silent decoration?

I’d guess your DH isn’t really too bothered whether he takes your son or not, but just doesn’t want to explain himself if he turns up alone.

I would treat this as a trip somewhere boring or unpleasant for your DS that he just has to do and pack a little bag of toys and snacks to keep him busy. I have to take my DC to hospital later this week as no one to look after them (DH travelling for work and all our usual babysitters unavailable), so I'll be packing some books, puzzles and snacks in case we have to wait a while (and tablet while I'm being seen). Just treat this the same as any other occasion when a young child has to tag along but isn't particularly wanted.

If your 5 year old is telling you he does not want to go, you need to listen to him. I went through this with a Mental Health Nurse after going through some SA childhood trauma. When discussing my family, he pulled his chair right up to me and told me the those exact words.

Well your DH is as much DS’s parent as you are and I think he’s perfectly entitled to want to take DS for a short time to see his own parents. If both sets of grandparents live 3 hours away then it’s hardly like he can just pop in easily another time. I also think your own excuse for not visiting is weak, you could still spend plenty of time with your sister around visiting the ILs for a few hours and this would also be better for your DS.

Ultimately what this seems to come down to is that you don’t like your ILs and/or are resentful about how you perceive the difference between their treatment of your SILs children and your own. It’s also perfectly possible that by age 5 your DS has picked up on this from you, however well you think you hide it.

If the worst you can say about these people is that they don’t play with DS enough, then I think you need to take a step back and leave DH to it.

With respect, this is a completely different non-threatening situation with the child’s other parent present.

My childhood was similar, my mum’s parents had a cupboard with toys in and Nan1 would bake with us when we would visit whereas dad’s parents we pretty much were seen and not heard with a teacup of weak squash if we were lucky from nan2. We didn’t enjoy visiting at all compared to nan1. But we still went and made sure we had a book or quiet toy. When dad’s sister went on to have children nan2 was better but still not great. We’d always visit both though.

What I meant to add is I’m in agreement with DH, your DS is having fun at your parents house and is bored at your PIL which is why he doesn’t want to go. Of course acknowledge his feelings but it’s not because of anything sinister that he doesn’t want to visit just that it’s nicer at your parents. It always is the PIL for some reason, but what do you think you would do if your DS said he didn’t want to visit your family either?

We have a v similar dynamic with my parents and PIL but I'd certainly not let my child skip visiting the boring relatives. I just take plenty of toys for him and try to get us all out of the house for walks/playground trips. Don't take their lack of playing personally, they might just not know how to engage with him. Maybe they do relate more easily to little girls. Frankly aged five I'd have hated an old person playing with me, I'd much rather have done my own thing.

Hmm. I still think Dh should tell them. But from a different perspective, not all grandparents need you be playful and down on their hands and knees with choo choo trains. Some are much more formal. So what. Ds goes, for a few hours, takes a book or a few quiet toys. No problem. Your Dh has a chat with his parents. You all leave. I don't see the issue.

If he likes lego then have a special set that he can take on these trips. It's not bribery, it's accommodating a tricky situation. But make it a mix of bricks that can create whatever he can invent for himself rather than a set that only makes a particular model.

I would let him go on one condition - you DH needs to make sure your son doesn't feel left out and neglected. If his parents are not capable to show basic manners to the small child then it is his job to entertain him so he doesn't notice.

Bribery is an essential tool for any parent. Nothing wrong with it.