5 year old doesn't want to go to grandparents' house... What do I do?

[mummabubs]

Background info: My in-laws and parents live 3 hours away from us (but close to eachother). We see them every month or two, usually go for a weekend and stay overnight. My parents are very natural at playing with our son and interact with him. For reasons best known to them, DH's parents played a lot with my SiL's two children and show them a lot of attention, but never play with and essentially ignore our son. I don't doubt that they love him, but something is obviously getting in the way of them spending quality time with him when we visit. (I mean it's literally as bad as they say hi when we arrive and then barely to him after that). It hurts me as his mum, but I've also tried to foster equal opportunities for a relationship between them and DS as my parents have.

So the current situation: We are due to go and visit my parents this weekend, DH had said he will pop over to his parents on Sunday and take DS with him. When i was alone with DS earlier today he spontaneously told me he doesn't want to go to in-laws' house, he doesn't like them and they don't play with him. He wants to stay at my parents' house with me. He then asked me why don't they play with him. I tried to stay curious and neutral and reassured him that they love him but find playing difficult. He asked why again and I didn't know what to say, because I don't know. He asked me to promise that he doesn't have to go round. I didn't say yes or no, but said I'd talk to DH. The whole conversation felt heart-breaking as I've always feared he'd start picking up on their apparent lack of interest in him compared to his cousins.

I've relayed the conversation to DH and he said it's not a big deal, 5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't. There's a part of me that does understand DH's reaction, and I do agree at 5 years old we still need to make lots of decisions for DS. However there's also a part of me that feels like he's voiced his feelings, been able to justify why he doesn't want to go, and I know in all likelihood he will be bored and ignored at their house. Interested in other people's experiences or thoughts about how to strike a balanced between acknowledging and respecting DS's (valid) feelings and also not hurting DH and his parents. Thanks all.

He can take a colouring book or some Lego and go see his grandparents for an hour or so.

Do the 2 granddaughters live closer and see their grandparents more? This would explain the difference in relationship perhaps. How often do you see their interaction with the granddaughters?

You said your in-laws got rid of the toys as soon as the granddaughters had outgrown them, but surely if they're only a couple of years older than your son there will be something he can play with among the toys that they have at the moment - or a pack of cards for Snap or Go Fish.

If your DS verbalised his feelings in the way you have said, I think he's probably picking it up from you - his words sound a bit complex for a little boy.

TBH, I think it's one of those occasions when you just have to say we're going to GP for a couple of hours, take some colouring things and get on with it.

They don't need to play with him. He should be able to amuse himself with toys he takes with him for the relatively short time he's going to be there. I'd tell him he has to go.

I think id let DH and DS go.

They might be more engaged just the four of them and more relaxed. Possibly.

OR it will be shit and DS will be bored and daddy daddy daddy. But without you there distracting and masking and soothing he will see what a pain it is for himself and deal with it or be more supportive in the future?

Sorry, just to clarify as a few posters are still saying it's ok for them to not be playful as grandparents - I completely agree with this and I grew up with one playful set of grandparents and one not. I also agree it's fine (and important!) for kids to experience being bored, I think it's part of life and an opportunity to be creative.

This situation feels different as DS technically does have the option to not go. Also it's not that his grandparents aren't playful- I've watched them playing solidly with my nieces for the last 8 years and talk to them all the time about their lives and achievements etc... So I know they have this style of interacting with children but just don't seem to want to do it with ours? (Which is understandably painful for me as his mum).

I take what some posters have said about not creating a monster. DS definitely doesn't dictate other aspects of his life, he's used to compromising and following instructions etc. I have a few friends whose children definitely rule the roost and it's a trait I find quite unattractive so I'm definitely mindful of not teaching him that he sits at the top of the pyramid all the time as it were. Equally his feelings are important, and if he's telling me he doesn't want to go because he's not played with or talked to them surely as his mum I also have a duty to acknowledge that and validate his reaction?

And definitely don't miss out on any of your sister's visit OP! That would be ridiculous.

Validating his feelings does not equate to allowing him to opt out.

My 7yo doesn't like going to either of his grandparents. They aren't used to engaging with kids, and we all sit in the living room making weirdly formal small talk.

I don't think my ds read too much into this other than "they are boring and I don't want to go."

It helps a bit if I suggest that we all walk over to the park when we visit. I mention in advance that it would be good to get out, I think it helps ease their awkwardness around him.

Hmmm, what would you do if he decides he doesn’t want to go to school some days? Doesn’t want to go to the supermarket because it’s boring?

Hmm, I love my 4 year old niece dearly (DHs family), but she is an only child of a mother who does lots of imaginative play with her. She expects everyone to play with her and sometimes, as much as I enjoy seeing her and chatting to her, I really don’t want to play the starring role in her latest fairy drama, which often feels endlessly long.

When niece starts getting bored at family events, MIL will say something like ‘Auntie Goat will read you a nice story’. I am known for reading good stories, I often look after niece on her own and like reading books, playing games or going out on her bike, etc. But when I’m sat on the sofa at a weekend (after working with kids all week), drinking a gin and tonic, mid-conversation with an adult relative, and am handed a book that looks like it has far too many pages, I’m less than chuffed to have someone volunteer me as default child entertainer.

The dynamic can be different with two children. When my brother’s two visit with their parents, they don’t need to be entertained in the same way because they have each other. Instead, they are happy to flit between engaging with adults and playing together. I play with them a bit differently, they’re a few years older and I can dive into their game for two minutes (usually some sort of chase or ball throwing) before going back to the adults and they don’t get upset.

I love all my nieces and nephews the same, but I do engage with them a bit differently depending on their age, the things they like to play and their temperaments.

Children do need to realise that adults don’t always want to play with them and that they don’t necessarily always come first. As long as your in-laws are pleasant and respectful to your son, he will not be harmed from sitting quietly at his grandparents being a bit bored.

Lol kids are so coddled these days really. Heaven forbid they should be bored and not the adults’ centre of the universe for an hour.

He is five and he doesn’t get to decide where he goes/doesn’t go, unless you want to create an utter monster. we all have to do things that we don’t want to do from time to time. We all have obligations. i also have a five year old. Does she always want to go to nursery, or do what I’m doing? No. She wants to stay at home and play with her barbies. Tough luck - she does as she’s told (kindly of course, with an explanation).

My dads mum was very formal and completely disinterested - it was boring as all hell visiting as a child but I still had to go and see her when my dad did. She died last year and I’m glad (for my dad) that I had made the effort over the years.

If you let him stay with you this time, he won’t want to go next time either and if you set an expectation that avoiding it is a possibility then he’ll just push back harder and harder. I get that “it won’t be an option” next time, whereas it is this time, but he won’t see it like that. Plus, the boundary is exactly the same. He won’t want to go any more next time than he does this time.

I limit my DDs visits to the in-laws to no more than an hour at a time - they used to kindly look after her for a few hours a week when I couldn’t find childcare on that particular day. DD used to cry because she was so bored at their house, despite me providing a load of toys, they packed them away and made a fuss about getting any of them out. As soon as DD stopped going round regularly, they started to give away the toys we had provided to charity shops without checking with us!

I think it’s important to listen to what your DS is saying, he could look back at this time and think about when he was forced to go to his grandparents. Or he could look back at some nice visits with them where you all went out and did something together.

Surely the point here is that the grandparents host the cousins and the boy at the same time, and treat them differently. The boy is aware of this. Is this not what is riling the OP? I don't think her issue is that the boy will be bored at the GPs, just that they openly prefer their granddaughters

Why is everyone assuming it's just an hour visit?

They don't even talk to him ffs. Playing... meh. But they don't interact with him at all,bar a hello. It's not about being boring, it's about being ignored and treated differently which he is starting to notice.

Would you visit someone that doesn't do much more than saying hi? If so,more fool you.

Despite that, I think you should send him with DH . Then he can see exactly how ignored DS is and how little interaction he gets without you there to provide a buffer. That way he might finally see the issue and understand why DS feels the way he is.

My PIL had used up all their grandparenting enthusiasm by the time ds came along (5 others, youngest 11 years older than ds), and frankly they weren't really interested in dh who is their youngest sons life either.
DS hated going there - they wouldn't come out with us, he wasn't allowed to play in the garden, they have a pool that he wasn't allowed in, and they never talked to him. Once he was old enough to express an opinion (and its not like my parents were super interactive or could play with him, but he loved a ride on my dads mobility scooter with him to the cafe and a witter about his chickens) we just said 'we need to visit them, and we are polite and kind while we are there' and frankly we bribed all of us with a Starbucks afterwards.
But I agree with others that your and your DH need to manage the situation - and this weekend that means he sits on the floor and plays with ds and the lego he takes with him and talks to his parents from there.

Why doesn't his dad play with him while he's there? Then maybe the grandparents will join in too? Maybe they got introduced to playing with the nieces and nephews like this by their parents and so they feel like they know what they like to play and how to play with them. Does your son not join in with the nieces and nephews and grandparents when they are all playing together? I definitely think ds should go if DH wants him to - but if DH wants him to enjoy it and be keen to go again then he needs to help make it enjoyable and not just leave it entirely to his parents.

I think you're on dangerous ground - if you say your DS doesn't have to go, what will it be next time? School? Drs? Children need to know life isn't always fun, or always about them.
Take stuff for your DS to do - puzzles, colouring etc.
Encourage him to talk - oh MIL DS did this great thing at school this week - DS tell granny about Victorian day/trip to the zoo etc. Make them listen.
You and your DH need to make sure he is included in the discussion. He doesn't have to be played with.

Thank you @CloudPop, this is it! And yes @ldontWanna it's not an hour visit, more like 4-5 hours.

DH has witnessed DS being ignored, acknowledges this but doesn't see it as something he needs to talk to them about. My parents are moving away soon and in all honesty I'm not sure how often we'll end up seeing DH's parents as it's always me that arranges the weekend trips back and liases with his parents about when we can see them. They don't reach out to us and DH doesn't reach out to them so I suspect this situation will resolve itself somewhat as we'll be less likely to see them.

This is not about the grand parents playing/not playing with the op's child it's the fact they seem to ignore him and not bother with him at all.I wonder do op's inlaws like her,this could be the problem

As a teacher, we often talk about whether kids are really more spoilt and entitled these days or is it just one of those things. Now I can see why more and more children in school behave the way they do. And we don't think those children are headstrong and determined, we think they must be spoilt rotten by their parents. They also usually struggle to maintain friendships because they want everything to be done their way and will not compromise.

He is 5 years old and he needs to learn that he is not the centre of the universe. Sometimes you have to do things that aren't the most exciting, but society expects you to go along anyway and be polite.

You are setting him up for a lifetime of trouble if you let him decide at his age what he does and does not do and where he does and does not go.

I'm sure my own DC prefer visiting my in-laws to my own DM as it is not as fun there. However, Ive never let them (especially at 5) choose not to go just because it is boring. I tell them that Nanny is old and that is why she doesn't have the internet or any toys but she loves you and wants to see you and it's rude not to go. Job done.

Honestly they've been very welcoming to me @Hollywolly1. Our relationship has always veen good, it was only after our son appeared and I was able to notice the preferential treatment that I felt my relationship with them changed. Overall they're good people and I'm always friendly and polite when we visit. But I can't deny it's changed the way I see them. Bearing in mind I'd seen what they were like as doting grandparents for 2 years before DS arrived so I never even considered that they wouldn't be the same with our child.

Maybe DH should take him as planned, but spend lots of time playing with him and engaging with him, rather than concentrating on his parents. He should take something that DS enjoys - let DS choose what he would like to take. Maybe he should ignore his parents so they get how DS feels!

There is no way to stop GPs having their favourites - we did not even try - it just became a family joke that DD1 was the blue-eyed girl. We kept it all out in the open and laughed about it.

That’s why ds is ignored. When they see dh, all they want to do is focus on him, whereas they see their dd all the time. It’s not a novelty, she isn’t perceived as the golden child so they have more time for the nieces. That habit is carried over when all the cousins are there, as they now have a good relationship with the nieces. They haven’t developed that relationship with your child as dh is always there and golden boys company is what they want.

Id keep ds with you for the same reason you aren’t going. Your dsis needs to see him as she’s over. When you go, he needs to go too. A compromise.

That makes a lot of sense. Sounds to me that your DH literally does not expect any better from them, and he's quite slack in developing the relationship too.

Stop arranging stuff, regardless if your parents move or not. Let them sort it out, and if they don't, then it won't be about your son "ruling the roost", just a family that don't have much interest in each other/keeping in touch . It's not your job or responsibility to keep them together, especially when your son ends up paying for it.

Sometimes you have to do things that aren't the most exciting, but society expects you to go along anyway and be polite.

You are setting him up for a lifetime of trouble if you let him decide at his age what he does and does not do and where he does and does not go.

I couldn't disagree more with this, how could "society expects" be more important than their own feelings? Society expects all kinds of old fashioned and harmful things which also exacerbate sexism and other structural inequalities for a start.

definitely teach your kids if they don't think of others they won't have friends pretty quickly. Which is their right! Not understanding that is more likely to cause a lifetime of trouble.
Take care.