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Original poster

5 year old doesn't want to go to grandparents' house... What do I do?

130 replies

mummabubs · 25/07/2022 22:08

Background info: My in-laws and parents live 3 hours away from us (but close to eachother). We see them every month or two, usually go for a weekend and stay overnight. My parents are very natural at playing with our son and interact with him. For reasons best known to them, DH's parents played a lot with my SiL's two children and show them a lot of attention, but never play with and essentially ignore our son. I don't doubt that they love him, but something is obviously getting in the way of them spending quality time with him when we visit. (I mean it's literally as bad as they say hi when we arrive and then barely to him after that). It hurts me as his mum, but I've also tried to foster equal opportunities for a relationship between them and DS as my parents have.

So the current situation: We are due to go and visit my parents this weekend, DH had said he will pop over to his parents on Sunday and take DS with him. When i was alone with DS earlier today he spontaneously told me he doesn't want to go to in-laws' house, he doesn't like them and they don't play with him. He wants to stay at my parents' house with me. He then asked me why don't they play with him. I tried to stay curious and neutral and reassured him that they love him but find playing difficult. He asked why again and I didn't know what to say, because I don't know. He asked me to promise that he doesn't have to go round. I didn't say yes or no, but said I'd talk to DH. The whole conversation felt heart-breaking as I've always feared he'd start picking up on their apparent lack of interest in him compared to his cousins.

I've relayed the conversation to DH and he said it's not a big deal, 5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't. There's a part of me that does understand DH's reaction, and I do agree at 5 years old we still need to make lots of decisions for DS. However there's also a part of me that feels like he's voiced his feelings, been able to justify why he doesn't want to go, and I know in all likelihood he will be bored and ignored at their house. Interested in other people's experiences or thoughts about how to strike a balanced between acknowledging and respecting DS's (valid) feelings and also not hurting DH and his parents. Thanks all.

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Original poster
mummabubs · 26/07/2022 09:48

Maybe @Sswhinesthebest. Honestly how our visits go is MiL spends 90% of the time cooking in the kitchen so sees no one, DH makes conversation with them for 10 minutes when we arrive and then sits on his phone. His dad does his own thing around the house, so bar sitting together at the dinner table there's actually virtually no time that we're all together anyway!

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/07/2022 09:51

mummabubs · 26/07/2022 08:26

In front of. Another example is at Christmas when he receives half the gifts that the girls do. He noticed that last year.

To respond to the other poster I don't resent my nieces at all, I enjoy being a fun and involved auntie with them and I recognise that how they are treated by DH's parents is not their doing or responsibility if that makes sense.

Show quote history

I can see why he doesn't want to go then. There's two clashing values here, yes it's valuable for a child to experience bordem and to not be the centre of attention, to be able to amuse themself. It's also valuable for children to learn boundaries and not to teach them to put up with being treated as second best.

Really your DH should be speaking to his parents. Obvious favouritism is not OK. If he wants DS to have a relationship with his parents then he has to work on that happening not just expect a little child to put up with being second best. We had grandparents who favoured our cousin very obviously. We had no relationship with them past our teens.

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 09:52

mummabubs · 26/07/2022 09:48

Maybe @Sswhinesthebest. Honestly how our visits go is MiL spends 90% of the time cooking in the kitchen so sees no one, DH makes conversation with them for 10 minutes when we arrive and then sits on his phone. His dad does his own thing around the house, so bar sitting together at the dinner table there's actually virtually no time that we're all together anyway!

So what's the frikking point then? Sounds like one of those "we have to do it" simply for the sake of doing it, that can't even be sorted by them,it needs to be facilitated by you.

Let's see how much time your DH will get on his phone without you there to entertain DS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting
Original poster
mummabubs · 26/07/2022 09:52

@bohorainbow He has many situations where he knows he has to do certain things, ie preschool, then school, hospital appointments, going to the supermarket etc. All things that he sometimes doesn't want to do but knows he has to do anyway. Or the other way around if he wants something ie more TV time, new Lego, not going to bed at bedtime... he knows that if we say no and explain why, we mean no. As much as is in our power we are definitely raising him not to be spoilt.

OP posts:
bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 09:57

That is what a civilised society is all about. We work together, following societal norms, in order to live in a civilised society.

If we all only put ourselves first, then it would be utter chaos.

Oh look, I need to pay for my lunch but there is a long queue... I will walk to the front because my needs are more important than all of the other people waiting in line.

My phone is ringing in the quiet carriage... I'm going to answer it and have a loud conversation because I'm putting myself first.

I am at a buffet for 50 people that's looking a bit under catered. Well I'm going to eat all of the sausage rolls because I didn't have breakfast this morning and I am hungry.

There's a worldwide pandemic and a shortage of toilet rolls... well I'm going to buy all of the ones on the shelf to make sure I have enough at home.

All I'm saying is, people are becoming more and more selfish and are excusing it by saying that they are putting themselves first.

Of course there are times when we genuinely have to put ourselves first and I'm not encouraging anyone to walk around with their eyes closed following rules and being sheep.

But visiting grandparents for a few hours- just get on with it.

bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 09:57

That was to @johnd2 by the way.

topcat2014 · 26/07/2022 09:58

MiL was a bit of a rubbish parent to DW. Doesn't know how to react to DD15 at all really. Sad, but there you go. Sils lovely kids are the golden ones

GCAcademic · 26/07/2022 09:58

Shinyandnew1 · 26/07/2022 08:57

Hmmm, what would you do if he decides he doesn’t want to go to school some days? Doesn’t want to go to the supermarket because it’s boring?

This.

And is skipping the visit to your ILs a one-time thing, or are you planning to allow your child to dictate that he never sees them again?

JustHarriet · 26/07/2022 10:00

@mummabubs as you've said, this isn't just grandparents who aren't into playing with their grandchildren but a dynamic of favoritism where they show a lot of love and attention to some of their grandchildren but not your son. This unhealthy dynamic is obvious to you and obvious to your son. It sounds like a dynamic the grandparents played out with their own children. Who knows why they are doing it, but you will help your son by validating his experience, since you are seeing it too.

Personally, I wouldn't reassure him that they love him because I wouldn't want my child thinking being ignored and disregarded is love. Also, if they act loving towards other grandchildren but not him, I'm not sure what evidence you have that they do love him, since they are clearly making a choice to treat him in particular as less worthy of their love and attention.

On this occasion I'd tell DH I'd like my son to spend the time with his aunt that he doesn't get to see often, and go along on with him on the other visits. Personally I'd work towards letting my son avoid this toxic dynamic as much as possible. You don't need to endure toxic relationships to learn not to be self-centred. Give and take is learned in healthy relationships.

I think the impact of relationships with grandparents is far less significant than with parents or siblings, and it sounds like you are aware and well so a good job of validating your son, so this may be a life experience where he learns the difference between true love and respect and the kinds of unhealthy dynamics to avoid in future relationships.

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 10:01

bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 09:57

That is what a civilised society is all about. We work together, following societal norms, in order to live in a civilised society.

If we all only put ourselves first, then it would be utter chaos.

Oh look, I need to pay for my lunch but there is a long queue... I will walk to the front because my needs are more important than all of the other people waiting in line.

My phone is ringing in the quiet carriage... I'm going to answer it and have a loud conversation because I'm putting myself first.

I am at a buffet for 50 people that's looking a bit under catered. Well I'm going to eat all of the sausage rolls because I didn't have breakfast this morning and I am hungry.

There's a worldwide pandemic and a shortage of toilet rolls... well I'm going to buy all of the ones on the shelf to make sure I have enough at home.

All I'm saying is, people are becoming more and more selfish and are excusing it by saying that they are putting themselves first.

Of course there are times when we genuinely have to put ourselves first and I'm not encouraging anyone to walk around with their eyes closed following rules and being sheep.

But visiting grandparents for a few hours- just get on with it.

But that's exactly what DS is learning by spending time with these people. Dad on the phone, GM cooking (this could be argued it's a greater good exercise,but more than likely it's just avoidance) and GD pottering about doing his own thing. Everyone is putting themselves first and what they want to do except for DS and OP .

MyneighbourisTotoro · 26/07/2022 10:04

I’d never expect my parents or even my in laws to play with my children, my own grandparents never played with me, I watched movies, coloured in, played in the garden etc etc.
I never once played with them and I don’t think my own parents even played with me either, I was often left to my own devices with my toys and books etc so I was always entertained but not directly by the adults.

bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 10:08

@ldontWanna I just think it's sad the way people are quick to 'put themselves first' at the cost of maintaining family relationships.

We have stories in the media of people being found dead at home and nobody even noticed them missing for 2 years.

We ask ourselves how this could be possible. Where were their friends and family ?

But here on Mumsnet, everyone encourages each other to go low or no- contact with family over trivial things like DM spends her time cooking rather than playing with my DC when we visit.

In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal. Always putting ourselves first means we will end up down the line with no one else around to support us.

Oblomov22 · 26/07/2022 10:11

You have a number of choices. Just Don't go. Or Get Dh to talk to them. Including: Or go and tackle it head on, upfront. when grandma goes to cook, pick ds up on your arms and make it happen. Stand there with him on her level and say .... tell grandma all about starting school, your teacher, what a big boy you've been. Mummy was so proud...... WinkGrin

SirVixofVixHall · 26/07/2022 10:12

I would take him to see your sister, and I would tell your in laws that he feels they prefer their granddaughters to him and see what they say. I had one granny who lived very near my cousins, while I lived far away. She was closer to them and more involved in their lives, but she did her best to show love by hand knitting things for me, sending parcels etc. I felt just as loved by her. Your in laws are being really unkind by noticeably favouring their other grandchildren.

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 10:15

bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 10:08

@ldontWanna I just think it's sad the way people are quick to 'put themselves first' at the cost of maintaining family relationships.

We have stories in the media of people being found dead at home and nobody even noticed them missing for 2 years.

We ask ourselves how this could be possible. Where were their friends and family ?

But here on Mumsnet, everyone encourages each other to go low or no- contact with family over trivial things like DM spends her time cooking rather than playing with my DC when we visit.

In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal. Always putting ourselves first means we will end up down the line with no one else around to support us.

Did you miss the part where neither the dad or the grandparents are interested in maintaining the family relations or make the effort to keep in contact? The minimum that happens is because OP makes the effort to arrange things. Her and her DS already do more than the actual "family".

Original poster
mummabubs · 26/07/2022 10:34

@GCAcademic As I've previously explained, definitely a one-off as for the first time I'm not going too so there is actually a choice. Obviously in future if we're all going then it's just a standard family visit and there's no option for him to not go.

OP posts:
Cazziebo · 26/07/2022 10:38

Excellent post @bohorainbow

OP - my DCs are two of many GCs. They would never have compared their present pile with cousins, or noticed how much time any of them got with GPs. They amused themselves with little expectation but lots of cajoling of adults joining in. Especially at 5 - I don't believe their brains work that way. They're very much in the moment.

I agree with PPs that much of this is coming from you. Don't allow a 5 year old to dictate what he does and where he goes. You're the adults.

Original poster
mummabubs · 26/07/2022 10:40

@bohorainbow I understand your sadness but would equally politely say I'm not sure it applies to my situation. As I've said, DS doesn't get his own way all the time, far from it. I'm not saying I want to go no-contact, in fact I've spent the last 5 years trying to promote and foster a relationship between them. I have no doubt that if I stop doing what I'm doing in arranging visits etc then they will dramatically decrease, but equally if DH or PiLs organise a visit themselves I would never not go or seek to block anyone else from going.

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 26/07/2022 10:42

I never enjoyed visiting one set of grandparents. Their house was boring and they were strict.

I also understood from very young they it was my dads parents and he wanted to see them and it goes with the territory of family.

it’s one day every so often.

Livpool · 26/07/2022 10:50

bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 10:08

@ldontWanna I just think it's sad the way people are quick to 'put themselves first' at the cost of maintaining family relationships.

We have stories in the media of people being found dead at home and nobody even noticed them missing for 2 years.

We ask ourselves how this could be possible. Where were their friends and family ?

But here on Mumsnet, everyone encourages each other to go low or no- contact with family over trivial things like DM spends her time cooking rather than playing with my DC when we visit.

In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal. Always putting ourselves first means we will end up down the line with no one else around to support us.

It is the grandparents putting themselves first though - and poor DS last

nexus63 · 26/07/2022 10:57

my son is 36 and he still does not like his gran, he tolerates her, he went on holiday with her and all the other grandchildren when he was 5 and then again when he was 7, after that he said he did not want to go and that was fine, we went to the yearly christmas party that was held a few days before christmas day, he was 15 when we lost his dad, i asked him why several times and all he said was i don't like her, i do not spend much time with my mum either and that has been the same since i was 13 but i always took him to see her and he or anyone else would never know how i felt about my mum, you or your husband could maybe try talking to them and say how upset your son is.

johnd2 · 26/07/2022 12:20

bohorainbow · 26/07/2022 09:57

That is what a civilised society is all about. We work together, following societal norms, in order to live in a civilised society.

If we all only put ourselves first, then it would be utter chaos.

Oh look, I need to pay for my lunch but there is a long queue... I will walk to the front because my needs are more important than all of the other people waiting in line.

My phone is ringing in the quiet carriage... I'm going to answer it and have a loud conversation because I'm putting myself first.

I am at a buffet for 50 people that's looking a bit under catered. Well I'm going to eat all of the sausage rolls because I didn't have breakfast this morning and I am hungry.

There's a worldwide pandemic and a shortage of toilet rolls... well I'm going to buy all of the ones on the shelf to make sure I have enough at home.

All I'm saying is, people are becoming more and more selfish and are excusing it by saying that they are putting themselves first.

Of course there are times when we genuinely have to put ourselves first and I'm not encouraging anyone to walk around with their eyes closed following rules and being sheep.

But visiting grandparents for a few hours- just get on with it.

Thanks @bohorainbow and I hear you and agree on some level

The problem in my mind is, how can it teach my children that their feelings, needs and time is valued and important, while at the same time promoting empathy, consideration and social behaviour.
And priming them with the decision making skills to balance these competing things that will see them all the way through to adult hood, allowing a calm decision without there being an emotional reaction.

It's a lot to juggle and it's not easy as evidenced by this thread, but I would applaud the OP for going through this in such a non safe space such as Mumsnet!

In the end, it doesn't benefit anyone to have an extreme of entitlement or an extreme of people pleasing, but give your children the tools they need and they can have healthy relationships throughout their whole life.

Take care.

ldontWanna · 26/07/2022 18:15

@johnd2 best way is to teach kids "don't go out of your way to be a dick" and also "definitely don't go out of your way for someone who is a dick to you".

Harder to explain when they're really little but the principle still applies applies.

LittleBearPad · 26/07/2022 18:23

mummabubs · 26/07/2022 09:48

Maybe @Sswhinesthebest. Honestly how our visits go is MiL spends 90% of the time cooking in the kitchen so sees no one, DH makes conversation with them for 10 minutes when we arrive and then sits on his phone. His dad does his own thing around the house, so bar sitting together at the dinner table there's actually virtually no time that we're all together anyway!

So your DH doesn’t play with him either.

No wonder he’s bored and lonely.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 26/07/2022 18:37

Seriously, tell your DH to get off his phone and go and talk to his parents. How rude of him!