5 year old doesn't want to go to grandparents' house... What do I do?

[mummabubs]

Background info: My in-laws and parents live 3 hours away from us (but close to eachother). We see them every month or two, usually go for a weekend and stay overnight. My parents are very natural at playing with our son and interact with him. For reasons best known to them, DH's parents played a lot with my SiL's two children and show them a lot of attention, but never play with and essentially ignore our son. I don't doubt that they love him, but something is obviously getting in the way of them spending quality time with him when we visit. (I mean it's literally as bad as they say hi when we arrive and then barely to him after that). It hurts me as his mum, but I've also tried to foster equal opportunities for a relationship between them and DS as my parents have.

So the current situation: We are due to go and visit my parents this weekend, DH had said he will pop over to his parents on Sunday and take DS with him. When i was alone with DS earlier today he spontaneously told me he doesn't want to go to in-laws' house, he doesn't like them and they don't play with him. He wants to stay at my parents' house with me. He then asked me why don't they play with him. I tried to stay curious and neutral and reassured him that they love him but find playing difficult. He asked why again and I didn't know what to say, because I don't know. He asked me to promise that he doesn't have to go round. I didn't say yes or no, but said I'd talk to DH. The whole conversation felt heart-breaking as I've always feared he'd start picking up on their apparent lack of interest in him compared to his cousins.

I've relayed the conversation to DH and he said it's not a big deal, 5 year olds say things all the time and he can't dictate where we take him and where we don't. There's a part of me that does understand DH's reaction, and I do agree at 5 years old we still need to make lots of decisions for DS. However there's also a part of me that feels like he's voiced his feelings, been able to justify why he doesn't want to go, and I know in all likelihood he will be bored and ignored at their house. Interested in other people's experiences or thoughts about how to strike a balanced between acknowledging and respecting DS's (valid) feelings and also not hurting DH and his parents. Thanks all.

I'd let him stay home this time to see more of his overseas Auntie.

I'd get DH to talk to his parents re interacting a bit more and how they might prefer to do that. Then next time set up an 'activity'. My DPs were already quite old when my DDs came along and weren't really up to sitting on the floor, so we tended to bring a board game or 2 with us so we could sit round the table and play that together. There are lots of games a GP could play with a 5 year old.

MY MIL has 8 DGC with clear favourites. This year she gave DS £20 for his birthday and a soppy card and DD didn’t even get a birthday card. DS is 28, is and always has been her favourite, she doesn’t even hide it. Unsurprisingly DD, never wanted to go stay there after about 5. She loved staying at my parents.

Just bring a box of Lego with you. What a lot of hand wringing over nothing.

Where do you draw the line here?

I can see some posters saying that if your son doesn't want to go don't make him, but kids have to sometimes have to do things that are a bit boring and where they aren't the centre of attention, that's just life.

In this situation I would just make sure your DH doesn't totally ignore your DS while he's chatting to his parents and leave him to get bored.

My dc when they were young preferred visiting my parents rather than the in-laws because mine were more down to earth/affectionate/fun, but we didn't just stop visiting the boring in laws on the whim of a five year old, they just had to get on with it.

Strongly disagree with this.

The grandparents love the boy, their worst crime is ignoring him and not engaging with him.

Teaching a child that they must always put their feelings first - unless their wishes cannot be fulfilled, ie unless it’s impossible - is creating a child who thinks they are the most important person in their world. That their feelings come first. This is absolutely NOT the way to create boundaries, which are indeed crucial. It’s the way to create unpleasant and unhelpful characteristics.

Children need to learn that in the real world, which parents prepare them for, life is not going to allow them to prioritise their feelings at all possible times.

Setting boundaries is about understanding that everyone (yes, including them) has limits which cannot be crossed. Mostly society agrees on the main ones - there are laws. Then, as parents, we teach our children that certain things are not OK. It’s not OK to pick on a classmate, it hurts their feelings. It’s not OK to steal toys. It’s not okay to speak with your mouth full, to not say please and thank you etc.

Boundaries do NOT mean teaching a child it’s not OK to feel bored and ignored in the house of your grandparents who love you, and with whom you spend an afternoon once every couple of months. What could possibly be wrong about that?

Just because the child has spoken, he must be obeyed?

My grandfather and I didn’t even speak the same language. He always sat in his armchair in the corner, reading the paper and listening the the radio. We literally never spoke. He told my grandma, not long before he died, that of his 10 grandchildren I was his “favourite”. No idea why, she thinks it was because he enjoyed watching me be a child, and because we didn’t speak he didn’t have to know me (haha). It brought him joy to have me around. I remember just sitting around, listening to my mum and grandma, and reading or looking at my grandma’s crockery or whatever - I don’t even remember. It was a house for old
people, nothing for me to do. I guess he also saw the way I interacted with his DD, my DM.

All to say, don’t make a monster of your son. He doesn’t have a god-given gift to be amused or entertained at all times. It’s healthy for children not to be the center of attention (probably most of the time, really).

I’m not sure that protecting children from discomfort or disappointment is good for them in the long term. They aren’t abusive just disinterested. As a parent I completely understand, any feeling of rejection my child experiences is like a million stabs to my heart. But it is part of life and part of building resilience.

It’s an occasional visit, I would tell him to choose some stuff to take with him to occupy himself with and absolutely acknowledge that it’s boring for him.

Definitely not. The only times I've discussed it with DH are times we've been completely alone when DS has been at school. I'm very conscious of not projecting my observations onto him, which is why it felt so upsetting yesterday when he talked about it himself 😔

I think alphons has a point, there is a difference between having boundaries and expecting to be centred the majority of the time (I’m not saying your DC does but over time does that become the expectation?).

I do boring stuff (like visit in-laws who are perfectly nice but not my cup of tea) because I love my DH. Am I allowing DH to cross my boundaries by assuming I will visit his parents with him? Or is it part of building relationships and community that we sometimes tolerate boredom.

I have no idea tbh, DD is still small and I’m sure these things will crop up. Either way I wouldn’t judge you, it’s something that I’m wondering about for my own DD. Feel like we may have made some mistakes by prioritising her wants too much over family life and may have to pull back a bit.

I think you can fully acknowledge DS's feelings but explain to him why it's important for him to still go and see his grandparents regardless. At 5, I think he is old enough to understand this. You've talked about him feeling rejected, but that might be you projecting your own feelings onto him. Chances are, he just finds it boring.

I don't think it helps that you're not going, because he suddenly now sees staying at your parents as an option. It would be easier if you could all go together, but if that isn't possible, then your DH needs to take responsibility for ensuring that ds is included and not bored.

And make it a short visit...dh can tell his folks why if necessary.

We have a similar dynamic with MIL. She was very invested in her older grandchildren, but seemed to have run out of interest by the time ours came along and barely says two words to our youngest.

It has absolutely affected how I feel about her personally (although I try not to let that show), and my youngest in particular clearly does not enjoy visiting. I wouldn't ever send him there alone (not that he would be asked). But honestly I wouldn't dream of letting a child dictate that he doesn't see a grandparent for a few hours just because they are a bit disinterested! I am pretty child centric I think, but this really does seem to send the message to the child that everything should revolve around them.

If the grandparents were actively unpleasant and bullying that would be completely different, but in that case I would expect DH to be tackling it head on.

I don't think your ds gets to choose. One set of grandparents here were fantastic with young children; the other set were not so much (to be fair they'd had 20 years of grandchildren before ours came along). One set played, the others didn't. Our children didn't get to choose not to see one set over the other. Now that our children are adults they have equally good relationships with both sets.
I think it's a bit entitled to allow a child to dictate who they are going to spend time with. Lots of things are boring but we have to suck them up because they are necessary or socially appropriate.

The thing is, if you reduce his visits, you are reducing the oportunities for a relationship to develop between them.

I acknowledge that PiL visits aren't the most exciting thing, but that Dad wants to see his family, and so we go because it's important to him. It's got better over the years.

Don’t make him to go. If tbey’re not arsed about seeing him, then what is the point? They get nothing out of it, he hates it. Honestly, why?

In front of. Another example is at Christmas when he receives half the gifts that the girls do. He noticed that last year.

To respond to the other poster I don't resent my nieces at all, I enjoy being a fun and involved auntie with them and I recognise that how they are treated by DH's parents is not their doing or responsibility if that makes sense.

His relationship with them isn't going to get any better if he never sees them.

Grandparents don't actually have to play with him. It might be nice if they did, but why isn't dh getting ds involved? Encourage them to talk to each other for eg "Ds tell nanny what you have been doing at school".

I don't think it does actually hurt a 5 year old to have to occasionally go somewhere that he doesn't find fun. Not everything has to revolve around what he enjoys.

Some people just aren't naturals at playing with small kids. My in-laws could play all day long with our children but my own parents are pretty awkward! They love my children very much but generally just sit on the sofa and let them get on with it. This is fine!
As long as your in-laws aren't horrible to your son then of course he needs to go and see them. What I'd do is take some toys or an activity over to their house that your son can sit and get on with. I don't feel your laws should be responsible for keeping him entertained - but equally he shouldn't sit there and be bored! Take some jigsaws, or colouring or games. Board games might be a really good way yo get your in-laws interacting with him.

Thanks @johnd2. Your post definitely resonates strongly with my values and views, I just don't think I knew how to articulate it! I agree with the points you make. I feel like if we were all going then I'd feel differently about him not wanting to go (as it wouldn't be an option!) but the reality is that this time he does have a choice (in my mind anyway) and if he's saying he doesn't want to go then I'm inclined to listen to him.

I don't remember my grandparents playing with me.

DC's grandparents don't play with them either. They chat to them but don't play.

Most parents don't like to play with DC do they?

@GiltEdges, with the greatest respect... I haven't seen my sister for nearly 2 years due to covid and the cost of travel. (She moved abroad just before the pandemic). She's not coming back for another year, and it's literally this one weekend I have the opportunity to see her. I have missed her beyond words and will absolutely be spending my time with her given we see my in-laws every 4 weeks.

@alphons brilliant post, I wanted to say something similar. How about resilience? The 4 year old will see you are worried and think that "going to a boring place for a bit" is some terrible anxiety inducing thing that is crushing his soul etc etc. You need to belt up!

Also, DH needs to feel the heat! It's fine for grandparents not to play with kids!! But they also need to realise that someone does need to play with them, a bit. Not all day long in a child centred whirl of delight! But DH should arrive with a bag of toys, pens, lego etc and sit on the floor with DS and get him started playing. His own parents then make their own DS a cup of tea, sit in an armchair, and talk to him while he divides his attention between his parents and his son.

So in short- DH must help the kid out a bit with toys and also encourage a learning experience about waiting around and being bored for a bit. Grandparents also get a learning experience that they can't have the undivided attention of their own child when he is caring for his DS.

Is meeting pil at a park an option? You could go to the cafe or for a walk with dsis, ds can take a ball or play on equipment under dh supervision and gp can interact as much or little as they wish. Had you told ds you would be staying behind before he declared he did not want to go?

Sorry, I didn't elaborate enough - trust me I utilise bribery in many parenting situations 😅 It would feel sad/ wrong to me though to have to use it to convince my DS to go and see relatives who will literally ignore him over his cousins in front of him, when it seems he's noticed this.

DH gets a learning experience... you're the squeezed generation now, baby!

Do they mind him playing with stuff you've brought with you? I had to endure interminable visits to elderly relatives as a child - not grandparents as they were dead but their siblings and also random elderly friends of my grandparents that my parents insisted on seeing too. It was pretty grim - none of them were child-friendly or engaged with us at all. We just had to sit in silence whilst the adults had the same conversation on repeat each visit. I still remember how slowly those clock hands moved! I never formed an independent relationship with any of the elderly people we visited and I stopped going as soon as I had a choice about it. It still affects me now in my 40s - I'm very very wary of getting too involved with elderly neighbours for instance and I won't take DD into an environment like that. So we shopped for them during lockdown but never been in their houses.

But my experiences were a weekly event, especially in school holidays, whereas it sounds like you only need to do maybe every other month? At that frequency and as it's actual grandparents I'd still visit but 'curate' the proceedings more - suggest meeting up somewhere that's more child-friendly but where the adults can get a coffee (I found garden centres with a soft play are quite good for this!), NT property that kind of thing? And take toys, colouring, books to their house. Not all people want to play directly with kids but you can at least ensure he's got something interesting to do.