19yr old DD pregnant

[SunnySeven]

Daughter is pregnant. Only 19. Wasn't planned. Lives at home with us, and is going to stay here after baby arrives as she only has a part time job and just finished 6th form, is unable to financially support herself.

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex. He is 19 too and does not work.

Very unimpressed by the whole thing but will be 100% supportive to DD.

The BF was and still is unknown to us. Had previously met him in passing. DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

We have 3 younger children, 10, 12, and 13.

If she wants him to stay over, he needs to start coming over and getting to know everyone. Not nice for younger children to share their home with someone they don't know. Or us for that matter, but mostly for the younger children. A couple of them are really quite shy too.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

He'll want to see his baby.
DD will want to have him around.

1. I don't want another adult in the house.
2. The house is crowded as it is
3. Will be another mouth to feed and cook and clean after
4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

I do understand how not wanting him to be here all the time is not supportive to DD.

Am I being unreasonable?

Can you talk to your DD about how she pictures the future in terms of how much time he would be spending with you all? There is quite a long way between him coming over and getting to know everyone, and him de facto moving in.

Wel firstly he needs to get a job to start supporting them doesn’t he, so he won’t be there 8-6ish week days so that’s a good start. I wouldn’t let him be there all the time if I’m honest, if they want that then they need to find their own place, it’s your home, not theirs, they need to rent if they can’t afford to buy.

I'd say he cannot share her room, you have younger child to think about.
If he wants to pop over that's great but you cannot afford to feed him, give lifts etc.

If she wants more she'll have to think about her own place.

I'd be seriously setting out a plan for after the baby, does she think you're built in childcare.

I wouldn't allow a stranger (to me and my younger children) to stay in my house. He would he welcome to spend time in the home during the day/to help dd with the baby, but I'd agree a fixed time he has to be gone.

I'd be saying to dd something along the lines of

"This is your home and you and your child are welcome to be here as long as it takes for you to get yourself through school and into a secure job. But if you want you, the baby and X to live as a family together, then you and he will have to discuss how you both make that happen in a home of your own. And you and the baby will always be welcome back if it gets tough"

handhold OP, obviously come as a shock. I totally understand where you are coming from, DS often has his gf to stay overnight, she is lovely, but it still having another adult in your home, I totally get what you mean. You sound a supportive lovely mum, but as a previous poster said, you need to speak to your DD and talk about how you want to future to be, is she going to move out? How are the finances to be managed? Your DD is really going to need to grow up pretty quick and the bf needs to step up. I hope things work out ok.

I hope he gets a job but I can't see it anytime soon to be honest. DD says he has had a few but never lasted more than a week.

I just get a feeling this is how it's going to pan out. As soon as we say yes to him staying over, she's going to take that as a yes to almost every night. And before we know it, he'll be here more than not.

In the past with her friends, that's kind of how it's been. That was fine. They were children, teenagers, still at 6th form.

Yes, we definitely need to talk to DD about it, just trying to work out if I'm being reasonable or not

I think you need to separate supporting her and doing it all for her in your own head.

You don't have to accept everything she wants just because there is a baby. You have everyone's needs to balance.

Agree with all those who say you need to talk to her about what the future looks like. Helping her by providing accommodation until she has finished a course, had equivalent of some mat leave etc is one thing but you are not responsible for this baby, she is. It's not actually doing her a favour to take all that on for her.

Where does she see things a year down the line and what are they both doing to facilitate that?

Supporting her is not being judgemental (outwardly anyway!) And helping her to find solutions. You don't have to be the solution

Where did they have sleepovers together previously to result in the pregnancy? Can your DD stay over at the boyfriends place sometimes?

What does the boyfriend do all day if he doesn't work? Is he on benefits or full time education? He needs to find a job straightaway. They've both got a few months before baby arrives to get a deposit for a rental so they can get their own place. He doesn't sound committed though.

I don't blame you for not wanting him to stay.

@Calmdown14 is spot on, you don’t have to accept everything your DD wants and she needs to consider her long-term plans. You’re being very supportive to her and your future grandchild but you don’t have to agree to everything.

in your shoes, I think I’d say that her bf’s welcome to visit her and the baby anytime, but not to stay over. You don’t have the space.

So she can't support herself, he can't support them, and you're already overcrowded...

Supporting your DD does not mean having to house them or financially support.

I presume she's discounted abortion despite the fact she's in no way ready or able to have a baby?

It doesn't matter who he is really, I always said no male 'sleepovers' as I have younger children.
If she wants different she needs a plan

You can support her and still put in clear boundaries ( that you will need to enforce ). These boundaries might be no overnight stays for him, limits on childcare, and clear expectations about when she will start contributing financially to the household.

No, I wouldn’t have a man you don’t know sleeping over when you have young children in the house.

If the answer to staying over before the baby news it should be no now and in the future. If you agree just once before you know it you'll find he's hanging around all day.

Totally! The OP barely knows this person, and what she knows of him doesn't bode well. I really wouldn't want an almost stranger in my house with my kids overnight !

He does nothing all day. DD has finished 6th form and has a part time job

Don't know where the deed took place, at his house I guess, or rather his parents house.

I feel like it's 1 thing supporting DD and grand child, but we'd end up supporting him too and that isn't something I want to do. Why should we have to? Why can't he support himself, nearly 20 yrs old.

She doesn't want to abort.

My OH is worried that DD will move to his parents if we take this approach with her. And they aren't great people. This might sound very judgemental but all on benefits, drugs are common place, children have been taken into care in the past.

You are not being unreasonable, and there is no way I'd allow him to stay over in my home.

Calling him a piece of shit is unreasonable yes. If thars how you feel then your daughter is a piece of shit too as she's participated in the making of a baby and is equally unable to financially support!

If you're overcrowded that's great. She needs to get on the housing list now and ask to be housed with the baby. Having a social home is brilliant, you can eventually own them if you want.

It will be a place for her and the baby to settle down.

If the guy's not stepping up leave him to it, encourage her to be independent and concentrate on the baby. She'll get good benefits working part-time.

Get her to apply for this, www.gov.uk/sure-start-maternity-grant, and once she has her new home and benefits claim started get as much help from the council and DWP is available, up to £800 loan from DWP for the house, grant from the council in the form of white goods.

Do her a letter now for the council to say you are overcrowded, cannot and will not support her, and will be kicking her out of your home - this is all so the council will deem her in need of a home.

Definitely use what's on offer from the state to get her sorted and go from there.

If he does nothing all day he's unlikely to pay 250 and take her to court for access. Leave him be and concentrate on her and the baby. Let him make all the effort to see the baby and if he doesn't then fine, she can do this alone and find someone down the line.

All the focus needs to be on her and the baby getting into a secure home and setting up a foundation from which to move upwards.

She doesn't want to abort. That's fine.

But then she needs to move out and stand on her own two feet imo.

He's the baby father. You seriously cannot expect that he won't want to come over and see his baby?

I don't think your daughter is thinking this through at all.

Are you providing free childcare for her? I think you're making it too easy for her if I'm honest.

You need to say no to him staying over and keep staying it. Or you will end up supporting him. If DD doesn't like it, tough shit, basically.

Say yes to him visiting and getting to know people.

Will also give you an opportunity to ask him what jobs he is looking for and how he is planning on supporting your DD.

I'd be suggesting they both get jobs and find somewhere to live (albeit id prefer them to be near by so I could be there if needed). But if they're grown up enough to make a life then they both should be grown up enough to get themselves jobs and their own home.

Otherwise if you're fine with your daughter staying at home with the baby then whatever rules you put in to place regarding him will have to be abided by. End of the day it's your house, your rules. And like you say you have other children to think about. If either of them don't like the rules you lay down then they know where the door is :)

I fell pregnant with my 1st at 21, 2nd at 25 and now 3rd at 27. Worked full time as a chef with all 3, own house, car etc before anyone comes at me 😅

Time for some tough love IMO.
Firstly, it's your house so very much your rules if your DD wants to live with you. Absolutely no problem with setting boundaries re her boyfriend.

Secondly, I'd be having a strong talk around what her plans are. I'd be setting the expectations now that you won't be providing free childcare, that she can't live rent free (unless say maybe first 6 months or so), and that she needs to come up with a plan and a budget of how she is going to provide for herself and her baby. Does she know how much it costs to run a house? Rent/mortgage, bills, food etc?

Just seen here that she works part time, so that's brilliant and she sounds fairly independent :)

Sounds like he definetely needs a kick up the arse!