19yr old DD pregnant

[SunnySeven]

Daughter is pregnant. Only 19. Wasn't planned. Lives at home with us, and is going to stay here after baby arrives as she only has a part time job and just finished 6th form, is unable to financially support herself.

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex. He is 19 too and does not work.

Very unimpressed by the whole thing but will be 100% supportive to DD.

The BF was and still is unknown to us. Had previously met him in passing. DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

We have 3 younger children, 10, 12, and 13.

If she wants him to stay over, he needs to start coming over and getting to know everyone. Not nice for younger children to share their home with someone they don't know. Or us for that matter, but mostly for the younger children. A couple of them are really quite shy too.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

He'll want to see his baby.
DD will want to have him around.

1. I don't want another adult in the house.
2. The house is crowded as it is
3. Will be another mouth to feed and cook and clean after
4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

I do understand how not wanting him to be here all the time is not supportive to DD.

Am I being unreasonable?

The younger children are not a concern, they will easily adapt to him being around. The concern is that you say you are overcrowded - in which case is there more space at his parents place? Like it or not they are a family unit (hopefully the relationship will last). None of its ideal but the best thing you can do is to facilitate them to be independent. What are their plans, if he's at university next year is he going away? If not he needs a full time job and so does she until baby arrives, then she needs to be returning to work fairly early and/or making her own study plans - there's help with childcare for student parents

@rhowton what a grim thing to suggest. It's nobody's choice other than her own and cannot be 'encouraged' to abort

The younger children are not a concern

They are the biggest concern, they have no choice in this and shouldn't have to live with an unknown, especially an unknown who has been painted in a dubious light.

The adult dd has choices, tough choices but choices nevertheless.

For those opposing abortion, I would say that whilst DD obviously has the final say, she may be in a fantasy land of minimising how hard single parenthood can be.

It doesn't sound like the BF will step up when it starts to get hard.

Especially single parenthood living in an overcrowded home. It's all very well imagining a cute baby but cute babies grow up and have needs. Trying to balance those with an inadequate housing situation and little money will be really hard. Getting further qualifications will also be much harder.

It's worth gently exploring the option again, especially if the pregnancy is at an early stage.

They definitely are a concern, the biggest concern actually. As they are likely to be home alone with him due to not working

It’s great that you have decided to support your dd. Personally I would have a chat with them both at the same time. You and your oh should talk to them about expectations for when the baby arrives. If the father is going tk be staying regularly then maybe he can contribute towards food costs etc. Explain that you are helping but cannot pay for all the costs of having a baby so she will need to start properly saving and he will need to get a lasting job.

The only way DD has a Hope of making a go of this is with a lot of support from you. I think I would set one day a week when he could stay and then make it clear that this was on condition of other things, eg. Participation in family meals or financial contributions- whatever you decide.
This could all be a moot point anyway as knowing 19 year olds, they could have split up by next month. Focus on supporting your DD.

If I had been presented with this problem then I would have put utmost pressure for termination. It would have screwed up so many lives. DD and the bf jobs & careers. My life because I would have been left caring for the baby and had to put off the idea of resuming my career and updating my qualifications probably for ever. Younger children would have had to share things so much more.
Difficult to believe anyone's DD really understands the reality. it is not like buying a puppy, not even like getting 10 puppies all at once.

Can she not apply for her own housing? This is what a friend of mine did when the same situation happened with her 19 year old daughter.

I'd also encourage her to do a spreadsheet.
Nappies
Wipes
Clothes
Pram
Milk
Etc vs child benefit

And see how she thinks it'll be funded

I had my baby at 19. I lived at home and (now DH) was not encouraged to stay!! And the huge onus was on me to continue to work (I worked in a shop at the time) and decide what I was going to do about getting a house etc: DH did work etc but still lived at home with his (equally unimpressed mum - more so as he now had 2 kids different women!)

long story short.

DD is now 13 and I have a masters degree and a professional job. DH and I still together. Life is ok.

so all is not lost but you HAVE to be firm now, if my parents gave me an easy ride I’m sure at that time I would have taken it and wouldn’t be where I am now.

My mum & grandmother were supportive where it mattered - to allow me to work after maternity, applying for uni, helping me move house etc but they did not make it easy my DD has always been me and DH’s full responsibility!

I wouldn't be letting him stay over night permanently. You could compromise and say for the first 2 weeks he can stay over to help out whilst your daughter is recovering and for initial bonding but then he can only come during the day and be gone by 8pm.
She wouldn't want to go and live there and if she did she would return because she wouldn't have your support and tbh after having babies recently myself, you want the support and guidance by the one person you trust.

I fell pregnant at 19, had baby a few days after my 20th.
I love motherhood, certainly didn't feel overly young.... I can't believe some comments are trying to push a grown woman towards a termination. Her choice, she shouldn't be coaxed into it and she isn't really very young. Biologically this is the right time to start a family.

I was already living independently. However I believe you need to give her an eviction notice, the council will have to house her. She'll be able to get UC to cover housing and living costs, plus child benefit. I think healthy start vouchers too. Are Sure Start grants still a thing?

You tell her, simply, you do not have the space to house him or the money to feed him. She will have to wait until she has her own place for overnight visits.

He sounds like a total lay-about, which is unfortunate. Remember the days when young men would drop everything because they had a baby to support? Such low expectations these days. You can't force him to get a job, lets hope he does it because it's the right thing. Or DD encourages him to support their child.

Nobody is pushing a grown woman into termination, she will make that decision herself. Yes, some of us have advised that the op have a frank conversation with her dd about the choice, before it's too late to make that choice (it could be already).

I can only speak for my own reasoning, and that is out of solidarity with this unknown girl, from woman to woman. Sometimes abortion is taboo, or shrouded in secrecy and guilt, when actually it can be a very valid choice, and I just want this girl to be informed of that.

While I don't regret my children, I adore being a mother, and I wouldn't send them back. However, starting young is not what I'd want for them, particularly in the circumstances that op describes. I want more freedom for them, to delay that kind of responsibility, because even though 19 is a good age physically, very few teenagers are financially stable enough to do it alone with ease. You can survive, I did, but there is a huge vulnerability there if you are on benefits or a low income. It shrinks your world and your opportunities. I also think things are only going to get tighter economically in the near future, for all of us.

Sorry to derail the thread a bit op, you sound like a loving parent, and I know you will support your dd in any way she needs

May have missed this but are the boyfriend's parents involved or stepping up at all?

I would be tempted to say he could stay over part of the week to support dd & baby but only if he pays 'housekeeping & rent'. So say £300 for a 4 day stay. Guessing he has no plan on how to support his child?

Think it is time for a wake up call for the pair of them.

Why does the BF need to stay over? There's no way I would allow it. Your DD needs to get herself on the housing list because long term you can't house everybody.

I understand why PP are saying she needs to look for her own housing, but in many parts of the country it’s just unrealistic.

Families can be waiting years for social housing, and the private market is expensive and full of uncertainty.

The likelihood is that OP’s dd and her baby will be living with her for the mid to long term.

Agree with the pp that pointed out that dd needs to be disabused of any ideas of this being a Family Baby, where everyone pitches in. She needs to know that this isn’t a Labrador, who everyone promises to walk and feed etc until the novelty wears off and it’s all left to mum.

She has some money at least and a job while studying so not a piece of shit.
He on the other hand …

Has he said he wanted to be involved? If not, staying at his parents presumably wouldn't even be an option so she would have to ask herself where she would live, where the money would come from, etc.

@gogohmm why do you say 'hopefully the relationship will last'? Her BF sounds like an absolute waster from the OP's description.

@ChilleyCheesecake I am really glad becoming a young mother has turned out well for you. Physically, young women are (17 years to late 20s) are prime to give birth but your brain is not fully developed until your mid to late 20s so I doubt every young mother is emotionally mature enough to cope with parenthood.

No one is pushing a termination on anyone.

OP has said her DD doesn't want one, but then she fails to tell us how DD is going to financially manage and emotionally cope with being a single mum (because it sounds like her BF won't stick around).

Look, if the OP's DD is hell bent on becoming a mum - good luck to her - but she can't ignore the planning and prep she's going to have to do. The stats show that the younger you have children the more likely it is that she will be on a minimum paid job and it will be harder for her to make a living.

I doubt at 19 she is thinking of the full gravity of this decision for the rest of her life - firstly, having a child; secondly being attached to this low life BF for the rest of her life.

Shot does happen but obviously your DD thought she was old enough to face all the consequences of having sex - one of which is a baby. And you know from your own life experience that she is probably going to end up bringing the baby up as a single parent. So I think you need to sit down and work out how it all pans out. You will be supportive but how does she plan to support her baby? Remember the baby will grow up and will have more needs than just feeding and changing ......

But take my word on this, there are many, many studies that have looked in to this:

www.nuffieldtrust.org.uk/resource/teenage-pregnancy#background

voxeu.org/article/why-children-teen-mothers-do-worse-life

If he does nothing all day he's unlikely to pay 250 and take her to court for access

He wouldn't have to pay the fee if he wasn't working.

OP I can imagine that you're deeply in shock right now and are understandably worried about opening up your home to someone you don't know and the future for your DD.

I'm afraid I side with your DH though. If she were mine I'd much rather the father was welcome in my home and DD and DGC lived at home, at least until she's got her head around how she's going to manage.