19yr old DD pregnant

[SunnySeven]

Daughter is pregnant. Only 19. Wasn't planned. Lives at home with us, and is going to stay here after baby arrives as she only has a part time job and just finished 6th form, is unable to financially support herself.

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex. He is 19 too and does not work.

Very unimpressed by the whole thing but will be 100% supportive to DD.

The BF was and still is unknown to us. Had previously met him in passing. DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

We have 3 younger children, 10, 12, and 13.

If she wants him to stay over, he needs to start coming over and getting to know everyone. Not nice for younger children to share their home with someone they don't know. Or us for that matter, but mostly for the younger children. A couple of them are really quite shy too.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

He'll want to see his baby.
DD will want to have him around.

1. I don't want another adult in the house.
2. The house is crowded as it is
3. Will be another mouth to feed and cook and clean after
4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

I do understand how not wanting him to be here all the time is not supportive to DD.

Am I being unreasonable?

All of the pps talking about forcing a “grown woman” in to having an abortion; have you actually spent much time around teens?

Because if you have you will know that some are very independent, realistic and mature, and have realised that the ball is in their court and they can shape their own future by their own actions, and take responsibility for them, and others are still in thrall to their friends and their gfs/bfs, still very dependent on parents and a bit of an organisational disaster zone. And others are very competent in one area and daft as a brush in others! It’s not one size fits all.

Some teen girls still do not realise their own value and are willing to put the needs of an influential bf or group of friends before their own, in order to feel they belong.

A lot depends on the maturity and character of this individual teen as to how best this situation will work out.

Still there is no getting around the fact that some 19 year olds still need a lot of help and parental guidance and just bc some posters think they should not, or did not need help themselves, doesn’t mean it’s not the case for others.

And a lot of teens regressed two years in the maturity/independence stakes owing to Covid and various lockdowns.

You're amazing for being so supportive OP. I had an unplanned pregnancy at the same age and was told if I wanted to keep the baby I had to move out. I had no where else to go so had a termination.

That must have been really hard eating

The BF sounds like a cocklodger in the making and as well as having to help with the baby you will be looking after him. I wouldn’t let him stay and I’d be having a harsh chat about the realities of her situation and that it won’t be an easy ride.

OH is saying we either let him stay or risk losing DD

We had a previous issue in lockdown, with a different bf. I wouldn't let him stay during lockdown so she left for the 2 or so months to stay at his parents house.

OH thinks that will happen again.

To be honest, if I were your DD and i wanted to build a family with a man and my parents wouldn't let him stay in the house to look after his own baby overnight, then 100% I'd leave.

Your OP could have a point and I definitely wouldn't be dismissing his fears. How about you talk to your DD about how she sees this all panning out and work at trying to build a relationship with her BF?

Yes we absolutely do need to talk to her.

And no, certainly not dismissing OH's fears. Could well be right. Feels like we're trapped into letting it happen, and letting these 2 child/adults dictate what happens whilst they take no responsibility for their child themselves.

OH is saying he is not going to risk her moving out

Wow! Well he's a Prince amongst men isn't he?

What is your Dd like?
Is she mature, immature? Is she ambitious? Is she easily led? Would she take on board a frank talk about planning and responsibilities?
Is she besotted with her BF? Can she that he might not be the best father or life partner?

It's pointless us giving you advice if we don't what she's like or her motivations

Would your daughter really want to raise a baby in that environment? If children were previously taken into care the family are likely on the SS radar. This (potential lack of judgment) would worry me more than any of the other stuff. Good luck OP. And for what it’s worth I would not be a pushover. Unless will your OH cover the increased domestic load (and cost) of having an additional adult living in the house, as well as the childcare?

And if it happens, it happens. She 19, not 12. You have other children you need to be thinking about. Your daughter has made her bed, she can lie in it. She has to fully understand that her choices have consequences.

You are not trapped, you have a choice. If she is having a child she needs to grow up and move out. Your other kids take priority now no?

Surely her moving out is the right thing? Why doesn't your OH want her to? Realistically who's going to be looking after all these kids, feeding them, looking after the house? I bet it won't be him.

Your DD really should be considering her options ...

Has she done this to get on to the benefits lifestyle? Sorry but I cannot otherwise see why she would want to continue this pregnancy knowing what you have said about her financial situation and the father.

She has another twenty years to meet a good man, start a career then have a family.

You need to explain to your DD the risks of moving to a house known to SS, and what the risks could be.

The threshold of evidence to remove a child is extremely high, but if previous children have been removed they’ve clearly got the evidence and would not hesitate to keep another child safe.

I had unplanned pregnancy younger. My mum made it clear she didn't want a baby in the house and I'd have to move out. That didn't mean she wouldn't offer other support. Even then 20+ years ago I knew the chance of a council flat was tiny and I didn't want to be a single parent with no money or qualifications, as much as a baby might have been nice. So I had an abortion. That's what termination is there for. People have them every day because they can't themselves support a pregnancy - emotionally or financially or practically. And it's not up to someone else to support you if you can't.

There is always somewhere else to go - a hostel, a b&b, emergency accomodation... You decided you didn't want any of those options, so had an abortion.

What a hard situation.

I agree with a PP who suggested taking your dd out for a coffee and talking calmly with her about how this is going to pan out.

When I had to make a very difficult decision that would affect all in our family the best advice I got was from a friend who was also a psychologist. She suggested I imagine making the decision one way and then the other and then imagine in detail how that would work.

not "I'll keep the baby, boyfriend will visit and we'll be fine". More - ok it is Monday morning at 7 what happens next? What are you wearing? what money do you have? What will you do at 9 am? There will be lots of positives too but at 19 all you see is baby/cute/I'll be a great mother/people will support me. Not I've been up three times in the night, I'm still bleeding and sore from childbirth, my boobs hurt and I don't have any money.

I'm not saying this to encourage her to terminate (although I'll say honestly in this situation this is what I'd hope my dd would do but it is entirely her decision) but that she could maybe begin to map out how her life will work and see how her moving boyfriend in and playing happy families in her bedroom is unreal. it really won't work like that and she needs to start planning now for it. She is about to become responsible for an entire other human being who is incredibly vulnerable. She needs to start thinking about how the life she is planning might work in reality.

In my own case I was about 5 minutes into thinking about how my day would work and I knew what decision I needed to make.

@Lovelycheese I think your mum was incredibly harsh and cruel. Falling pregnant young is not ideal but many make it work and OPS DD will miss out just like anyone else so I feel that's the biggest lesson. As a parent I think that's one of the biggest challenges, children doing things your unhappy with I don't think it's supportive to give your teen an ultimatum at 19 because things didn't go to plan.

He needs to get a job yesterday, he is having a baby. You are not. He will have to come up with a plan with her if they are to live together out of your house. When and if he comes it's for a period of time. He has to leave. He has to become a dad. Talk to your daughter calmly about her options and the risks that she is incurring. Tough times OP. They have to use less of their bodies and more of their brains right now.

I started to at 19 to get myself to uni.

to work

There is zero chance I would let a strange unemployed boyfriend stay over. Particularly with your young children.

If DD and boyfriend want to live as adults with all the privileges, they can get jobs and establish themselves in their own household.

They've already made one monumental error. Time to start owning and earning their keep & their childs that rather than indulging themselves at everyone else's expense.

No way would dh and I allow the BF to move in. Instead we would be willing to sit down with them both and helo them ome up with a plan for how the BF will be supporting DD and their child. He should be working immediately and they can save to get into an apartment or whatever makes the most sense.
Definitely not allowing two legal adults to live under our roof when both aren't working. Its dangerous as gives them a very unrealistic idea of what happens when you have a child i.e. you and the child become someone else's responsibility and you can sponge off them. Terrible for you as a married couple and terrible for the younger children. We would help them once they had a sensible plan and were sticking with it.

She is in early pregnancy, so can't she also work? At least for 6 months to save money to move out if that is what she wants to do. If they both work while living in their family homes they should be able to save a good whack in 6 months.

Your OH can't control whether or not she moves out. You need to accept that. If you start to allow things "because she might move out" you'll end up enabling behaviours that will harm the whole family.

I'd say no to him staying over. He's welcome in the day time but needs to leave before dinner. If they want to live together they both need to get a job and rent a place.

I'd also be wary of becoming that baby's mom by interim. Taking care of a baby is hard. I had mine at 30 and found it difficult. If you start doing it for her it'll be too easy to be tempted to forget about the baby and go on with her life ! You don't need to be like my parents (who'll watch my kids maybe once or twice a year at a stretch, if I beg) but you shouldn't do it all, your daughter needs to bond with the baby.

Maybe watch teen mom together so she has an idea what she's in for ? And tell her about the birth (before, during, after). So many things my mother never bothered to tell me. If she finds it awkward to talk about get her a book about it.

If she has a job she has some money, I'd encourage her to buy all or most of the baby stuff even if you pay for everything else.

I would definitely not let him stay over which will quickly morph into moving in, your DD is not the only person in your family. At her age she has some options around her living situation, your younger children don’t. I think your OH is being unreasonable to let her in effect blackmail the entire family into doing what she wants which is what would really piss me off. Yes of course, support her to keep the baby if that is what she wants, if my 19yo DD got pregnant I would do the same, but if the support you can offer is not what she wants will accept then she needs to make her own plans with her boyfriend.