19yr old DD pregnant

[SunnySeven]

Daughter is pregnant. Only 19. Wasn't planned. Lives at home with us, and is going to stay here after baby arrives as she only has a part time job and just finished 6th form, is unable to financially support herself.

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex. He is 19 too and does not work.

Very unimpressed by the whole thing but will be 100% supportive to DD.

The BF was and still is unknown to us. Had previously met him in passing. DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

We have 3 younger children, 10, 12, and 13.

If she wants him to stay over, he needs to start coming over and getting to know everyone. Not nice for younger children to share their home with someone they don't know. Or us for that matter, but mostly for the younger children. A couple of them are really quite shy too.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

He'll want to see his baby.
DD will want to have him around.

1. I don't want another adult in the house.
2. The house is crowded as it is
3. Will be another mouth to feed and cook and clean after
4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

I do understand how not wanting him to be here all the time is not supportive to DD.

Am I being unreasonable?

Of course the feckless stranger BF can't stay over AT YOUR HOME for a free shag in front of the younger DC's . DD needs to give her head a wobble. Irresponsible unthinking fuckery is how she got into this mess. Bad enough their mess will be inflicted on one baby no need to set the example to her sibs.

If he and DD want to live together then they need to work earn and finance that daydream. As if!.

BF needs to start saving up for child maintenance.

Has she really thought all of this through? Have you taken her out just you one and one, and discussed all the ramifications of having this baby, supporting it financially, interrupting her education, her pt job, being connected forever to a bloke who doesn’t sound like a great prospect tbh?

Of course it’s her choice, but when she can’t support herself yet, it’s your choice too in a way! If she is determined to have this baby it is right that you support her of course but she needs the realities spelling out. Is she going to get up early and do the nursery run? Is she prepared for all of her earnings to go in the baby? Is she prepared to stay indoors and not go out with her friends? Etc.

Completely contrary to everyone else, I think it is massively unreasonable of you to say that you'll house your DD and grandbaby, but that you won't let the baby's father stay overnight. That's ridiculous, in my opinion, especially given how much hard work nights with a baby can be. If you want to support your daughter as she starts her own family, you have to be supportive of that family. That now includes her boyfriend.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

he is part of the family. When the baby arrives, if you draw a family tree. He’s on it. Of course he should be around his baby a lot, supporting your dd and bonding with the baby. i am with your dh. If there’s a chance she’s going to move to his, I’d want her with me where she’s truly comfortable (let’s face it post birth is not pretty!) and supported to continue her education and job prospects.
you can say no to him staying etc and want to get to know him first but he’s in your life now.

Until DD really understands what her future holds, she is not fully equipped to make an adult choice between abortion/ having baby/ adoption.

Don't support any fairytale dream scenario where she imagines your home and your work and your income supporting a little family of three in her childhood bedroom. It's not going to happen and she needs to understand that.

IF they have any future at all it starts from BF living (wherever he does), getting a job, sticking at it, earning and saving money to buy what a baby needs and pay CS support to DD . He has to prove that to her and to you. by doing it.. starting now.

Does she have a plan? Forget him, he sounds like a waste of space. Focus on helping your daughter finish her education so she stands a chance of raising this child independently at some point.

id make it clear that once he’s in long term full time employment you’re happy for him to stay over.

Time to put in some boundaries.

dd and the baby are welcome to call this home.

you are prepared to get to know the father, and he is welcome to come and see the child however as neither yourself, dh or other children know him, he is not permitted to stay over and can pnly
come when dd has checked it is okay with you.

he will not be eating meals with you and he will be expected to provide for his child and himself.

Christ. What an absolute nightmare.

I wouldn’t allow that scrote into my home. I might allow him to visit occasionally in the day, when the baby was born. Until then, he wouldn’t be welcome.

If your daughter wants to go and live with them, that’s her lookout. But I’d make it quite clear that the bleak surrounding of his family’s set up will be her future if she does. She’d probably be back home soon enough, where she’d get support and help to make a solid future for herself and her baby.

Give her advance notice you will be talking about money with her, in excruciating detail, how much nappies are, how much child care is, heating, electric, rent, rates, uniforms, clubs, hobbies. How is she funding this? What research has she done on parenting? Safe sleeping? This her on her, she’s choosing this, so she needs a concrete plan that doesn’t involve assuming other people will clean up her mess.

Sounds like a tricky situation.

From what you have said, your DD will be counting on you and your DH to be her support package - this is not sustainable in the long run due to your house being overcrowded as is and the fact she needs to support herself and her baby.

Her 'D'P and his family sound like a waste of space and unfortunately she (& you) have no control over them and once this baby is born, they will be in your life forever.

It's good that she has a part time job - can she increase the hours whilst she can work?

Did she have plans before she got pregnant? Was she going to go to uni/ college? Move out? Apprenticeship?

Do you know why she has ruled out abortion? Is it a religious thing? Or does she believe, with your help, she can cope with motherhood? You need to be crystal clear with her what you can help her with and what you can't. She's probably looking through rose tinted glasses at the moment.

Most of my friends who got pregnant at 19 got abortions and carried on with their education to get better paid jobs. All had families later when they found a decent partner.

But to answer your questions, there is no way I would let her BF stay over just for practical space reasons.

@MissMaple82

he does sound a piece of shit though 🤷‍♀️

I don’t understand why he would have to live with you? Surely he can just visit? If dd wants to live with him then this is something they need to work towards together. Surely dd would not expect you to have her the baby and the bf all living in your house?! Especially with 3 younger kids too

i think you need to make a plan with your dd. What is she planning to do after baby is born. When will go back to work, what is she thinking for childcare etc? Obviously she will need a job or an education to support the baby. (As should he obviously but your dd needs to plan for being independent as he doesn’t sound the most hopeful). Your dd can’t just assume her and the bf will live with you, no jobs, no money for ever with the baby

Would you move any other adult male into your house whilst you have children living there?

Your first duty is to your offspring that are still children.

The only part of what you've said that's unreasonable is this:

4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

Because she's not financially supporting him for her baby either and you haven't called her a piece of shit.

yep

it’s all very well her not wanting to abort but she has to think through the consequences which seemingly she hasn’t if she thinks it’s gonna be the case that she can move her BF into your house

No way would I let him stay over. He honestly sounds like a waste of space and he will become the family cocklodger once he’s got his feet under the table. There’s being supportive and there’s being taken for a mug. Don’t be that mug!

What was her plan before finding out? And now? Is she just assuming baby and bf can be absorbed into your household and life just carries on? Maybe she needs a reality check about supporting a baby and what living costs look like. She could go to CAB and ask for advice on benefits, housing etc, with or without bf. Can she increase her hours now or look for a more permanent job?

If she is old enough to get pregnant and decide not to have an abortion, she is old enough to move out and support herself and her child. Being supportive of her doesn’t mean that you should sort everything out for her. It is important she does that herself from now on.

I was wondering what she was planning on doing when she finished sixth form. We’re you going to be supporting her?

I had an unexpected pregnancy with a very new boyfriend 10 years ago while we were both living at home.

The difference for me was that I was already at the start of a career path and had been working a few years so had maternity leave with work.

What we did was both move out of our parents asap, set up a (cheap) rental as a home for our daughter. We found out we were expecting in May, moved in in June and had the baby in Dec. It was tough, but I couldn't imagine living with my mum.

My boyfriend was still at uni, completing his degree in the may. So he didn't have a job, like the BF in your situation. He got a job working at a bike shop to fund the small flat, then interviewed over and over for a proper career job.

I think this is what needs to happen. DD seems to think she can just stay at home with the baby- I think you agree but deep down this isn't really sustainable. She needs to find her own feet and create a home for this baby, because they won't be a baby for long.

Assuming she's newly pregnant I would be advising her to start preparing now so that she can be settled for baby's arrival.

I wouldn't want an unknown male in the house as there are younger children. He's only known to your daughter. He really needs to get, and keep, a job as he is half responsible for the baby.
I would welcome him during the day as a visitor though. I have a feeling that he won't be around for very long, he doesn't sound dependable if he can only keep a job for a week.

I think you need clear boundaries. No sleepovers, he can only stay for dinner once a week (normal, cheap dinner), but he can come over during the day to help with the baby as long as he doesn't disturb the other children or adults in the house.

Something like that? That way they can see each other but he isn't costing you much. You need boundaries that make sure that he doesn't partially move in. I doubt it will last tbh... but it can still take a while before your dd throws him out.

One of my oldest siblings had her 1st at 19. I would have been 6 at the time. I remember her bf coming up most evening to visit the baby. So that should def be allowed. Under no circumstances did he ever stay over though. I wouldn't obviously remember all the details but I know that would have been the case.

He wasn't a waster though. He got a 'proper' job and soon enough they saved for a deposit and bought a house.

over the years the ones I’ve seen come out the best from an unplanned pregnancy are they ones who have had support from parents. Have been able to continue their education and forged a career.

The ones who have struggled are the recipients of “you’ve made your bed..” type “help” - some of these have ended up really in shit creek, and some don’t speak to their families anymore.

im not saying do everything for her, that’s not healthy either. But think long term for your relationship with your daughter and grandchild.