19yr old DD pregnant

[SunnySeven]

Daughter is pregnant. Only 19. Wasn't planned. Lives at home with us, and is going to stay here after baby arrives as she only has a part time job and just finished 6th form, is unable to financially support herself.

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex. He is 19 too and does not work.

Very unimpressed by the whole thing but will be 100% supportive to DD.

The BF was and still is unknown to us. Had previously met him in passing. DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

We have 3 younger children, 10, 12, and 13.

If she wants him to stay over, he needs to start coming over and getting to know everyone. Not nice for younger children to share their home with someone they don't know. Or us for that matter, but mostly for the younger children. A couple of them are really quite shy too.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

He'll want to see his baby.
DD will want to have him around.

1. I don't want another adult in the house.
2. The house is crowded as it is
3. Will be another mouth to feed and cook and clean after
4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

I do understand how not wanting him to be here all the time is not supportive to DD.

Am I being unreasonable?

I'd honestly tell her the boyfriend can't stay, she and the baby are welcome though and will be supported. If she moves in with you you will need to report to social services and go down that route.

It's hard but she has choices to make, she has already made poor ones, but you can't have him move in, it will make your DD even more reliant on him and less likely to improve her situation.

How far along is she? Can you not encourage a termination?

All the best, op. It sounds like a really tough situation. 🌷

This really ^^

I'd be sitting down and doing a spreadsheet with her costing up childcare, income etc and working out a plan month by month. Is this possible?

If he's keen to join this meeting then great, but if not then that should tell your DD all she needs to know.

This.

Take her out for the day. Somewhere neutral where you can talk openly and honestly. It might be best for her in the long run.

If she wants to continue this relationship which shows lack of self control and responsibility then that will be outside the house.

Assist her on the condition that it is to help her and the baby not the boyfriend. He should look for how to help himself, your daughter and the baby; although he has another girlfriend who he probably still sees.

Your daughter's focus should be how to get additional training, education to or earn a living to take care of herself and her child. Not furthering this relationship with this guy who has another girlfriend.

Only if he has decided to do better, get a job and train or further his education and be more responsible should you help him. If he's not fighting for a better future don't get involved with him.

You're teaching your younger children consequences and responsibility.

What is the plan if she falls pregnant again after the baby is born?

You need to take your decisions circumspectly so that you, your daughter, the baby and your other children don't have more issue arising from building a closer relationship with this guy.

I used to do a program with young mums living in my house. A lot of them had slightly interesting boyfriends. What we did was welcome them in with very firm boundaries. They were expected to earn sleepovers by sticking the rules before that. Dinner once a week with the family, curfew to go home during the week, behaviour had to be acceptable. It gave us the chance to model healthy relationships, have the girls get support and have expectations with the dads.

Didn't always work but sometimes it did. Sounds like he had a rough childhood. But he's your DGC's dad and him being successful is very important.

Set expectations and boundaries early on.

Aside from the BF staying over issue (nope), what are her plans after baby arrives?

IS she planning on returning to work? And if she's working, who is going to be looking after baby? I'm assuming she thinks you'll do it.

If she's not going back to work, and if she's still staying with you, she won't be eligible for housing benefit and very limited UC.

You need to sit down with the pair of them and explain clearly that they need to be thinking about this as independent adults. Sounds like she's fully expecting to be supported by you and your DH throughout. I think a bit of tough love is needed, to be honest.

And he needs to get a job.

I had a child at the same age with a similar loser. He wasn't allowed to stay the night but did come over during the day to see the baby (or I went to his). This wasn't motivated by anything other than their religious beliefs though - they actually tried to convince me to marry him so that he could then 'help in the night' but I thankfully had the sense to get away from him as quickly as I could. My child and I stayed with them for eighteen months. My parents surprised themselves by absolutely loving being grandparents and were gutted when we left. They still have a very close relationship with my eldest now and were very involved in his upbringing as I was a single parent.

I don't think I'd want the father to stay over in your shoes.

Whilst I can see that this is a huge pile of shite that is going to land squarely on you, I would be very careful about pushing them away.

On the one hand, you say that he's a piece of shit if he doesn't support your dd and their baby. On the other hand, you say that he has come from a home where there are benefits, drugs and children in care. You presumably can see that he has not come from a situation where the dad supports the family? You are expecting too much from him from the sounds of it.

Perhaps you find a middle ground where:

1. he gets a part time job (I'm saying this as a stepping stone to FT, given his situation)
2. he is therefore able to pay you money for food
3. he is able to do something to help at home that suits his skillset - either cooking, cleaning, running errands etc.

I'm not suggesting you take in a baby and another adult and just do all the donkey work. But neither can you expect them to function like a pair of experienced 35 year olds who have a home and life experience.

Also, you should not blame all this on him. Your dd must have studied the menstrual cycle in GCSE biology. She must have had PSHE lessons about sex ed. She must have known the consequences of sex. Perhaps even that a 19yo is extremely fertile and that a belt and braces approach was needed for contraception. Or perhaps she wanted a baby. Who knows? But they are jointly responsible.

If she goes to grandparents and wants to raise a baby there social care may be interested as they have had children removed in the past.

Sounds terrible for all involved. I'd be terminating and getting on with my life, but thats just me.

Great advice here op, just wanted to echo some of the most important points to my mind (as someone who had a unplanned pregnancy in teens)

Tough love is needed here.
It's good that you'll support her, but she needs to be independent too, and get a grasp on how she's going to be affected physically, emotionally, financially, for the rest of her life. No going back. Are you making it too easy for her, and is she ignorant to what's ahead of her? What are her 5/10 year plans? It's easy to say you want to have a cute baby, but she has no perspective on what it's really like.

Make sure she understands the gravity of the situation & also tackle the abortion issue again. Honestly, if it was one of my kids, that's the way I'd want them to go. Plenty time for settling down in the future.

If she's insistent on continuing with the pregnancy, suggest she starts looking at childcare now, and maybe go on housing list?

I personally would be happy for the boyfriend to visit, but not to be staying over regularly as I would be considering the younger children in the home, to whom he is a stranger.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 18. Slightly different to your daughter- My BF at the time (now DH of 15 years) and I had known each other since the age of 13, and whilst my parents didn’t know him well personally, having only met him a few times, they knew of him well.

They were very very clear from the off. They strongly felt I should have an abortion and continue with my previous plan of uni etc. However if not, they would emotionally and to a certain extent financially support us. BUT they were adamant this was MY baby, not a family baby and that if I stayed in the family home long term then lines would be blurred and he would become a family baby with them picking up the slack of household stuff and childcare.

My BF was already on a gap year and worked two not great jobs to save up money for us.

We moved out when baby was ten days old… with hindsight way way way too early to move two hours away across the country… but BF was due to start uni and I wanted the three of us to stick together. We were both student parents at university by DS’s first birthday. We worked part time and in the holidays, we often came home for several weeks during the summer and I think that was probably more than enough for my parents. They said they would have much preferred to be the sort of grandparents that lived a short drive away that saw grandkids once a week/fortnight for a few hours than not for 3 months then for a month solidly (which is the relationship they have with our DC now).

i think you really should set clear boundaries for both your sakes. Not just so you don’t feel she is taking advantage but so that she doesn’t feel resentful or that you aren’t supporting her in the way she imagined.

He can stay over if he’s providing financially for her Gf and baby.
otherwise your household is exclusively supporting them, and therefore can’t afford to also support him
simple.
you can fully support her. Or support them both a little.

also would encourage dd to claim for CS asap. And frankly she needs to be looking at nursery places / childcare and a job asap too.

you can be supportive but they’re old enough to understand there are consequences to their actions.
you definitely need to talk to dd about how she sees this all going.

Can you afford to pay for nappies, formula and everything else op? Because it will be you, since your daughter won’t have an income after the baby is born. What is her plan?

It feels wrong to write down, but I’d want to strongly be encouraging a termination. Maybe laying out how hard the future would be would help. Her being tied to an unemployed waster, who’s learnt to aspire to nothing by his family, is so bleak for her future.

If she is grown enough to have a baby, she is grown enough to move out and sort out her life on her own. Kids shouldn't be having kids. It's all nice and noble to refuse abortion, but sometimes being a grown up means recognising that you are not ready for something and face the consequences, no matter how hard it might be.

So would I just

sounds very difficult OP.

I think I would try and be charitable and invite him over for dinner asap. But no he can't stay over at this stage.

if he's previously had jobs but not lasted more than a week than that sounds worrying tbh.

Whereas I wouldn't be forcing her out especially when the baby is very young, I think your daughter needs to understand that if she's old enough to have a baby she is old enough to stand on her own two feet and rent a place herself. Yes that will be difficult right now if she is pregnant and PT but once the child is old enough to go to nursery it ought to be possible - but only if he finds a job too. I'd be going through everything with her in terms of what she will need to find money for, find out how much rent a flat, nursery would be etc and make sure she a. understands how challenging it will be and b. doesn/t expect you to do it all (of course a bit of babysiting here and there on your terms if fine).

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex.

DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

She doesn't want to abort.

I’m sorry to ask this but are you sure your daughter didn’t actually plan this in order to keep hold of him? In the hope that he would stay with her and away from his ex?

My OH is worried that DD will move to his parents if we take this approach with her.

How this plays out very much depends on your daughter’s motivations. If your daughter wants what is best for baby then I very much doubt she would move in with his family if they are how you say they are. IF however her main motivation is to keep this guy and she hopes playing happy families will achieve that then you have no hope of keeping her under your roof without giving into her / his demands.

Either way, you need to prioritise your other children.

What IS her plan exactly? None of us really know how hard it is to have a newborn before we have them, but surely she'll have some vague future plans? Does she want to get a fulltime job now? Or does she want to study plus a parttime job? She'll need in ome regardless. It will be tough. Has she already made a budget how she will afford the baby?

OP, his family background sounds extremely concerning. If she moves in with them, then her baby could easily end up on the child at risk register or ultimately end up being removed.

It may not even take her moving in with them for this to be an issue - the fact that he’s the father could be enough on its own.

As PPs have suggested, you need a serious conversation with her about what exactly she thinks the future will look like if she doesn’t abort.

What a difficult situation, OP. I agree with every poster who has given you advice to refuse for him to move in. Definitely stick to that like glue, you have other children at home and he is not your family.

I definitely think you need to not let him move in.

Don't wish to scare you but I recently had a similar situation within the family that ended badly for younger children.

My aunt allowed her daughters boyfriend to move in with them, he is 21 (my cousin is 19) other children in the house include a 13 year old girl. A few months ago my aunt was out and her eldest at work and the 13 year old had friends over, the 21 year old propositioned 2 of her friends for oral sex and offered to sell one of them cocaine.

Suffice to say he was kicked out the second my aunt was home but by letting him in you let him live there, and that means there will be times he is alone in your house, or alone with younger siblings

Do you think she’s done this on purpose OP?

Either way it’s time for tough love and brutal honesty. It doesn’t sound like she is in a position at all to have this baby, unless she can come up with a viable plan for coping as a single parent.