19yr old DD pregnant

[SunnySeven]

Daughter is pregnant. Only 19. Wasn't planned. Lives at home with us, and is going to stay here after baby arrives as she only has a part time job and just finished 6th form, is unable to financially support herself.

DD was with the dad, then wasnt, off and on for while, while he was back and forth with an ex. He is 19 too and does not work.

Very unimpressed by the whole thing but will be 100% supportive to DD.

The BF was and still is unknown to us. Had previously met him in passing. DD is now regularly starting to ask if he can stay over.

We have 3 younger children, 10, 12, and 13.

If she wants him to stay over, he needs to start coming over and getting to know everyone. Not nice for younger children to share their home with someone they don't know. Or us for that matter, but mostly for the younger children. A couple of them are really quite shy too.

The bit I'm really wrestling with is about him becoming part of the family and staying here a lot (all the time) when the baby arrives. I'm worried that is going to happen.

He'll want to see his baby.
DD will want to have him around.

1. I don't want another adult in the house.
2. The house is crowded as it is
3. Will be another mouth to feed and cook and clean after
4. If he's not financially supporting our DD and his baby, I absolutely think he's a piece sh*t if I'm honest.

I do understand how not wanting him to be here all the time is not supportive to DD.

Am I being unreasonable?

You mention she had moved out in the past, so OH believes there's a risk she might do it again. But is it a guarantee that waster BF's family will welcome her with open arms? You are being asked, unreasonably, to make room for her BF. But would they really want to make room for DD and a baby? She can't offer much in the way of financial contribution to their house and babies require lots of space. They might not be thrilled with the idea either. Worth checking if you can.

Say the answer is yes and she moves to their house. When she moved out before she didn't have a baby with her. It's one thing buggering off by yourself, quite another with a baby to care for. Will they offer her lots of support, or will she be left to get on with it? You might find it's the reality check she needs to sort things out. Reckon she'd soon get tired of BF in this situation too. Sorry you're in this position OP, hope you can find a solution.

What @ihavenocats said.

You can support her without her living with you.

Quite. Don’t allow yourselves to be held to ransom. This is your home!

If they want to stay together they can both get jobs and move out.

There’s no way she’ll enjoy herself at the BF’s family home with a baby in tow. There’s also almost zero likelihood the BF will step up and parent his child.

Hope you’ve been clear on what you are and are not willing to do to assist with childcare….

Why does he think you'll 'lose' her if she moves out?
Most 19 year olds don't live at home. They move away to uni etc.
Your daughter is a legal adult about to have her own child.
What if she decides to move out anyway?

You have your own young kids to think about so they should really be the priority. Who will look after them if your time and energy is taken up with your grandchild?
It's also not on to be moving a random man into their house. It's not safe.

I think you have other kids to think about and you need to have rules in place, and DD can decide what to do from there. Otherwise where does it end, she'll always threaten to move out and what, you'll give in to anything she asks?

If I was in this situation, I would get to know the boy. And yes I would allow him to sleepover because the deed has been done already and he is now part of the family as someone has already said, sit them down with prices of having a baby etc and I would encourage him to get a job.

Has she thought about childcare while at work/education? Would he be looking after their child?

Most 19 year olds don't live at home. They move away to uni etc

That's simply not true. Most 19 year olds aren't in Uni. Granted a large number will be but it's far from the majority and out of those at Uni, a percentage will live at home.

Been thinking about this.

If you let him move in she is trapped, she can't escape from him and will be pressured into staying with him. You will have a lazy man taking over your house 24/7.

Even if she moves out, you can tell her she will always be welcome to come home, living with him at his parents will be a reality that doesn't match the dream.

Tbh since you seem happy with helping financially and practically would it not be better to try and help with a deposit to rent a flat so your DD and baby can have their own home.

She will be 20 with a baby, not a young teen at school but a grown adult woman.

Realistically can’t she work full-time now to save up? I would also research benefits she will be entitled to. She should be entitled to get the £500 Surestart grant for general outlay of baby items, once she has the baby and a place to run she should get help with living costs and child tax credits etc. I was pregnant at 19 and it was doable.

He is not family. And looking at his history he could pose a very real danger to her children.

Personally I would tell her this is the reason we have free and easy access to abortion.
That her rent will be XX per month and that he will be allowed to visit between x and y time a few days a week.

If she does move in with them more fool her she only has herself to blame. You can't save people from themselves.

The risks of him moving in are greater than losing your DD, I know that sounds harsh but you have other children to think of.

They are at risk with him living in that house.

Would you let any other man move into your home, whilst not working and there being a strong chance he is home alone with your younger children? I'd hope not

Most 19 year olds are certainly not in uni. Maybe in some places but not in all by a very long way.

Honestly I would encourage her to become more independent rather than just declaring ‘she can’t financially support herself’. As PP mentioned she will be a woman of 20 not a young teenager. She needs to up her hours to full-time and work out what help and benefits she will be able to receive. Plenty of women do not have the option to stay with parents with a baby and I think it will take the overall strain off the family. If you’re willing to support her it should be to help her find her feet and organise her own place.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You can support your DD without having to feed and house her boyfriend.
If she decides to move out - even better. She's going to be 20 soon, not a child anymore. It's time for her to have her own place anyway.

I'd also worry how she'd get away from the boyfriend if she needed to and he's living at yours. I'd keep strong boundaries here.

I agree with this, DH is definetely being a pushover and if you let her walk all over you both now you'll just enable that behaviour for the rest of your life.

She came back once before didn't she? I reckon she won't last a week at this house before she's begging to come home...

Call her bluff OP. Tell her if she wants to live with her boyfriend and his family in their scruffy chav house then go ahead.

I wouldn't let a 19yr old tell me the rules in my own house.

She may leave, don't let it be because of arguments, it'd be because she didn't want house rules.

I presume the bf house is chaotic and unsupportive. I doubt she'd be gone long

just declaring ‘she can’t financially support herself’.

Agree with this. Loads of posts on here from women who would love a baby/another baby but can't afford one. If you have children you can not afford to not be able to support yourself

Yes, the OP reads like it could be referring to a fifteen-year-old still at school who will need to stay living at home etc. I don’t think there’s any excuse for a woman of 20 to not at least try and take responsibility, particularly if they are currently choosing to only work part-time. The support which would be helpful to the DD as well as the family and other DC would be a push towards independence and her own place.

@SunnySeven hope you are OK. I have been thinking a lot about you and your DD over the last few days. Hope you've had a talk with her, she's making a plan and it turns out well whatever she decides to do

does she deffo wanna keep it tho x katieatietwo 👶💀

@ihavenocats that’s a massive burden on tax payers when her parents are actually able to keep her and the baby. I would find that quite shameful.

Why has this thread suddenly resurrected after a month?