Partner wants me to contribute 50% while on mat leavr

[Sarahmumsie]

I feel so upset and feel like my partner is being so cheap

I’m on a decent wage and have a good maternity package which is 50% of my pay for a year. My partner and I are on the same salary when I’m at full pay so we’ve always kind of halved everything.

Given my pay has now been halved. When I asked my partner if I could pay less rent now (50/50 before) while on Mat leave it ended up turning into a huge argument. Eventually he now has agreed for me to pay a $100 less a fortnight (we pay $800 each before) so the difference feels like an insult and he was so angry at me for paying less.

I also pay for most of babies daily needs, nappies, wipes, etc because I’m with him 24/7 he pays barely any of the daily costs

Like WTF I feel like everything should just be shared now anyway but he wants to keep our own money. I just feel so upset at the situation, it makes me feel like I’m just not enough, like i don’t deserve the support I am providing for our family. I feel I deserve better

LTB. What’s he bringing to the party, other than financial abuse?

And you are still with this sperm donor because...........?

And yes, you do deserve better.

You are caring for a child that is 50% his responsibility. How can he not grasp that?

This sounds borderline abusive, op, and I'd be considering my options.

Is he taking half the week off to do half the child care then? You can't be doing all the childcare and paying half the bills on the reduced wages you will receive because you are doing the childcare. Tell him he either has to after the baby 2 and a half days a week or pay for the baby to go to a good nursery for 2 and a half days as his 50% contribution to the childcare if you have to pay 50% towards the bills whilst on maternity leave.

Tell him you have to go back to work so you will need £600 a month for his share of childcare. Might make him think.

Yes thats crappy of him.
Bill him for half what a nursery would cost.
Is he going to pay half the childcare fees when you go back or expect you to pay that too.

This.

Its his dc too.
He pays you to do his share of his child care or he reduces your contribution substantially.
Hes mean and I wouldn’t tolerate it,

I did this both times on no topup to Irish maternity benefit, note my username

You do

It seems like nothing has changed for him whereas you are childcare and financially paying for your child and he is what

Get rid OP this is pretty bad

What?! is it his child? Then he is liable for half of ALL that child’s costs including care!

That’s ridiculous. You do deserve better. It’s his baby too. I’m in favour of joint money when you have a baby but if he wants to be petty about it and isn’t treating you like an equal partner then you can only respond in kind. I would tell him that you’re doing childcare for his baby and if you went back to work he’d have to pay an extra £600 or so (his half of an average monthly childcare bill) so at a bare minimum that should come off your share of bills. Then also deduct half of anything you spend on the baby. I would just tell him this is happening and only pay that much. Is he likely to leave the remainder of the bills unpaid?

So he's happy for you to bear the physical, career, pension and financial costs of the two of you having a child together? I can see he's a Prince among men...

This.

You also need to be very very careful about taking extended maternity leave or going part time when you are in am abusive relationship. otherwise your career will be baDly damaged and you will be trapped because he earns so much more than you.

Id get back to work Ft ASAP and arrange for baby’s father to do half of the sick days and nursery pick up / drop off.

Make sure he also does half the housework , wife work and childcare in the evenings and weekend.

Of course you deserve better

I've never said it before but LTB - what’s he doing for you?

Agree with him that you’ll pay 50/50.

Then invoice him for the childcare you do. If you do more of the housework while you’re on maternity leave, invoice him for cleaning too. Find out the daily rate for a nursery (or a nanny as it’s one to one care you’re providing), add on early morning and late fees because you won’t be doing just 8-6. Also invoice him for the cost of baby things, 50% of any classes any mileage you incur taking baby out or to appointments.

Pay the bills 50/50 with the money that he owes you. Put any remaining in your pension or a fuck off fund so you can LTB. What a twat.

Have you worked out what his child support contribution would be? Tell him what it is if he says he would get 50/50 point out he would still be paying for the child AND doing the work

Lose him and apply for child support.

I'm sure you knew what he was like before you had a baby with him so this can't be much of a surprise. Men like him never change.

When 'partners' make everything transactional in a relationship it really peevs me.

Best way to deal with people who look at a relationship like a monetary balance sheet is hit them with the scenario in reverse.

Just tell him with glee "Ok... so here's how much I'll need you to pay for 50% of childcare costs whilst I'll also pay 50% and go back to work full time. Equally, here's the bill for baby-related items/wipes/nappies, of which your 50% is x-amount and you're going to have to do your 50% share of the housework, life admin and evening/weekend childcare when not at work. Thanks very much!"

Yeah... that usually focuses the mind to the reality of the value in things other than money.

Sorry your partner is being like this @Sarahmumsie

Child expenses are a household expense, not your personal cost. He needs to contribute equally. This is your joint child. Why does he think that only you should be paying?

Whilst you are on mat leave and on half pay, bills should be paid proportionally. So currently 75/25%.

And you need to make it abundantly clear that nursery/childcare costs are joint, not just up to you. He is now a parent and has to step up practically AND financially.

This should not need pointing out to him.

What a prize! Very hard not to bill him for 50% of all baby related costs (at a minimum) and also for half of what it would cost if baby went to childcare. I am not surprised you are upset.

No no and no! That's outrageous...

You are losing half your pay to look after your dc, which is also his dc. He should also be paying for half of the items you purchase for your dc.

Why on Earth does he think this is acceptable. Tbh I'd charge him childcare, you're at home looking after the baby, therefore he should pay you to do so.

Tbh I'd leave!

Your partner is effectively stealing money from you. It’s that extreme. You are subsidizing his life by taking all of the financial burden of having his child.

a thread like this comes on here at least once a week. Your situation isn’t unique. Somehow a good number of the current cohort of young parents has completely misunderstood what equality means. Just to be clear, in this scenario it means sharing the burden and responsibility.

He needs to understand that you have taken a huge economic hit by having his child. It will impact your earning power for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter if you are a high earner. Stepping out of the workforce for child rearing has been shown to impact career progression and salary. Being the primary caregiver when you return to work will also have a huge impact.

most couples compensate for this by simply pooling money and considering all earnings to be jointly earned once children enter the picture. Another option is for him to pay you half of your lost earnings. You also need to insist he covers half of child related expenses. Not just diapers and toys. That means half of everything, it means your day to day costs while caring for the child like classes and outings. It also means things like maternity clothes, nursing bras, and Postpartum pads.

There are so many threads on this, it's depressing. Are there really that many selfish pr1cks out there? I despair.