Partner wants me to contribute 50% while on mat leavr

[Sarahmumsie]

I feel so upset and feel like my partner is being so cheap

I’m on a decent wage and have a good maternity package which is 50% of my pay for a year. My partner and I are on the same salary when I’m at full pay so we’ve always kind of halved everything.

Given my pay has now been halved. When I asked my partner if I could pay less rent now (50/50 before) while on Mat leave it ended up turning into a huge argument. Eventually he now has agreed for me to pay a $100 less a fortnight (we pay $800 each before) so the difference feels like an insult and he was so angry at me for paying less.

I also pay for most of babies daily needs, nappies, wipes, etc because I’m with him 24/7 he pays barely any of the daily costs

Like WTF I feel like everything should just be shared now anyway but he wants to keep our own money. I just feel so upset at the situation, it makes me feel like I’m just not enough, like i don’t deserve the support I am providing for our family. I feel I deserve better

I think I would contemplate leaving him over this. What exactly is he contributing? Sweet FA by the sound of it.

How do you think he would respond OP if you told him you thought he should take half the leave?

Who are these men?

Why do they think they're so bloody special that a woman would agree to this bull shit?

So, you have half the income, pay out for the new expenses that having a baby incurs and you're still supposed to contribute to the pot as you did before.

You're down twice. Firstly on your income and secondly in the spending in nappies etc. Why, why would you stay?

He is showing you how little respect he has for you and how uncaring he is. And what a shit father he is. What a fucking catch.

Yes a lot of women have this "but he'll change when baby's here" thing going on.

He’s not acting like your partner. You are 2 roommates who split everything 50/50.
I’d personally not be with someone like that.
If you stay then he pays you to mind his child or you go to work ft and he pays 50% childcare.
Why are you paying for all baby things - if you do 50/50 usually?

Wholeheartedly unacceptable. It was the right idea beforehand however circumstances have changed and the ratios must reflect this.

If he does not, then he would have to give you additional cash anyway. As tight as he might want to be, reality will bite him on the backside.

@Dixiechickonhols I’m paying for most of the daily thing like nappies, wipes, classes, formula etc. because I’m just out and about with our baby 24/7

For the bigger items, nursery furniture, car seat, pram, etc. That was halved

When I asked my partner if I could pay less rent now (50/50 before) while on Mat leave it ended up turning into a huge argument. Eventually he now has agreed for me to pay a $100 less a fortnight (we pay $800 each before) so the difference feels like an insult and he was so angry at me for paying less.

I also pay for most of babies daily needs, nappies, wipes, etc because I’m with him 24/7 he pays barely any of the daily costs

This is potential financial abuse. It’s completely unfair, and he is a selfish, unreasonable twat.

You had to “ask” to pay less, when YOU are taking the physical risk and sacrifice of having his child? He’s appallingly selfish.

And I feel you just need a big unMumsnetty hug. You must be in shock, to realise what a cheap arse your DP is. It must be tough. I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here.

So who is paying all the bills atm or is that split too?

Have you told him how much you are spending for nappies, wipes, food etc?

Go back to work and bill him for half the childcare.

You shouldn’t be paying for the daily things on your own. He needs to reimburse you. Or you could do what actual partners do and have an account that covers these joint expenses. Even if all the money isn’t pooled, the child related expenses
could at least come out of that account.

is he expecting you to pay the full child care bill when you go back to work to? Is he planning to do his share of drop offs and pickups? Sick days?

Ruffelo unless woman takes no mat leave or shared mat leave the woman’s earnings will be down during Mat leave. Why should she still pay 50% when she not working and minding his baby.
Common scenario man and woman earn same. She has year on maternity leave. Goes back ft but in interim he’s had a promotion and earns more. She cops for bulk of child related time off as he’s more valuable at work/loses more money if he’s off. His career takes off. Often there’s an issue like child with additional needs, lack of or cost of childcare or baby 2 that makes woman going Pt make more sense.
So from a child free couple both on 20,000 a year fast forward 5 years and he’s on 30,000 and she’s on 10,000. Plus impact on pension etc. It’s why if a couple is married and divorce a court can take into account a person’s contribution to family to ensure a fair settlement. No such mechanism if unmarried.

You do deserve better.

Commiserations, my ex husband insisted on this.. If I wanted to take mat leave beyond the period I was on full pay then I needed to contribute 50% of expenses so I best save while I was pregnant if that was what I ''expected''. I went back to work sooner than I should of, put a sick child in childcare (she had lots of medical issues on birth), unwell myself and tried to balance a full time job with endless hospital appointments for our child. Through my mat leave, he continued his expensive hobbies, lived his ''best life'' as if nothing had changed, certainly thought nothing of telling the midwife straight that he did not plan to be involved in ''childcare'' or get up in the night (oh the horror!!) and purchased himself several expensive gifts to ''congratulate'' himself on becoming a father.... he wouldn't contribute to the cost of nappies or anything she needed despite earning so more than I did. I should manage my finances better he told me, cut back on non-essentials.... He couldn't understand why I grew to resent him and his selfish ways.

He divorced me before our child could walk on the basis of my ''unreasonable behavior and impossible expectations''.. go figure. It was a relief to not have 2 children to care for. Predictably, he's been more absent than present in our child's life since and contributes CMS only.

In hindsight, I wish I'd run for the hills the moment he suggested I should to support myself on maternity leave - it was a warning of what family life was going to be like.

OP this is beyond messed up.
You can try to talk to him about it and come to a fair arrangement.
But my guess is that he will not agree, and even if he does agree he will resent you and fight you at every new situation (nursery etc).
My guess is that this guy is an absolute selfish misogynistic turd who doesnt respect you, doesnt see you and baby and him as a family, and will never willingly treat you fairly.

I would make him a hefty invoice for having to carry his baby inside your womb and another one for 24/7 baby sitting. If it's all about money I believe this would be the fair thing for you. A surrogate mum and a baby sitter are expensive, you did not go on maternity leave so you could sit on the couch and watch video games, you're working your butt of taking care of HIS baby.

Leave him.

And get him for every penny of maintenance you're entitled to.

Most people, when they become a family, share expenses.

Do you share food bills even if he eats stuff you don't?

What if he uses more of the utilities? Does he pay more

Of course not

This is the only advice you need.

Is he planning on paying you for providing 24/7 childcare? Tight abusive bastard.

If he’s being that way then bill him for 50% of wipes, nappies, classes. Or suggest a joint baby bank account and each pay in 50%. Have you checked what child maintenance amount would be. He’s a crappy dad if he’s not buying basics for the child, he knows a baby needs nappies and milk.

The response is pretty much unanimous as expected but this stood out for me...

When I asked my partner if I could pay less rent now

... You asked permission if you could reduce your contribution? You know that's not how it works right? Equal partners discuss these things. They don't have to ask permission.

Sounds like he controls you, financially at least. So for that alone... LTB.

Best way to get round this is to charge him the going rates for childcare. Then, out of your new salary you’ll have plenty to pay the rent 🙄

Oh, he won’t pay you. Shocker! It’s because he thinks you’re just chilling out all day, not caring for your JOINT child and facilitating his career.

What’s he going to do if you don’t pay anyway?

I honestly think that any man who thinks like that is beyond redemption. Some things in this world or subtle and need explaining but there is nothing subtle about this.

This cunt of a man is financially abusive. Tell him to step up or leave. Angry for you OP.