"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

They haven't, they've just said that school/nursery always rings them. If they've picked up then Dad would never get called.

No-one has said the other parent wasn't contacted when they couldn't answer the call, just that school always ring them. They don't just leave it and try later.

But they will see you both doing drop offs and pick ups and realise there isn't a default.

Yes I agree this will have a big impact in avoiding you being the default. Especially if your DH is equally chatty as you when he sees nursery staff.

How do you know this specific nursery will do this?

Our school contacts one child's grandad first as their parents are both at work and he's local. They don't ring mum.

If your school/ nursery contact mum first and dad is primary contact you need to complain every time they do it.

Because the mother is always seen a the default parent. Unless it’s a very unusual situation eg man is SAHD and does all the nursery liaison because mum works abroad.

If you are both working they will call the mum first unless you make a HUGE issue of it and write it all over the form.

Nursery staff don’t want to disturb men at their very important Man Job. The same as the 90% of mumsnetters who have a male partner who can’t POSSIBLY go part time / take extended family leave / work flexibly . Apparently everyone on here is married to someone who works for MI5 / the armed forces .

If you don’t believe me, do a short survey here looking for FT working mums with part time working male partners. It will be way less than 10% of women here I promise you. And half of these men will not actually be the main carer, they will be “ starting a business “ or “ writing a novel “.

So neither you nor your spouse are able to drop everything and collect your child if needed?

Bizarre. This is not true, cannot be true. One or both of you are able and willing to do this because your child is your number one priority. Put an additional person who is close and when you take the call at work that child is needing to be picked up say 'okay, I will send so and so, please use this password' and then go about your day.

Nursery staff don’t want to disturb men at their very important Man Job.
Not true of all nurseries, certainly not DD’s.

This is the most non issue I have ever read on mumsnet! Well done OP

@Dumbo18 right!!

Read the full thread. I never said that we are both in jobs that are impossible to stop in an emergency, I said that our jobs are equally demanding.

We are both in full time roles and neither works fewer hours, is closer to the nursery or has more flex over their hours than the other. This means that there isn't one of us who is automatically better placed to drop everything at short notice.

We are both in full time roles and neither works fewer hours, is closer to the nursery or has more flex over their hours than the other. This means that there isn't one of us who is automatically better placed to drop everything at short notice.

Just put one of your names first and decide at the time who drops everything. That's what we do. If we get a phone call tomorrow from school I'd go as my husband is 200 miles away, if the phone call comes on Friday he'll get them as I have meetings all day and he's more flexible. It doesn't matter who they call, just sort it once you get the call.

I think the issue that everyone is going on at you about is that you're overthinking and it's an easy situation to work out yourself. If indeed you are in a demanding full time job, this should be a simple scenario to get to grips with. Just imagine it's a job interview question! I cannot imagine that if you or DH in a job where you cannot have your phone handy for emergencies or listen to a voicemail during a break of some kind. I am a paramedic and could not answer the phone whilst I was on an emergency but I could easily listen to a voicemail after my emergency which could be 2 hours later.

You don't need to turn this into a feminist issue...they just need to know which number to dial first

I only clicked on this thread to see why such a dull thread title got so many replies. Figured OP must be being completely unreasonable about something, wasn't disappointed!

With this attitude, it's your child who'll miss out as neither of you wish to be accountable.
So either have a shared family email address that's forwarded to your inboxes or one of you step up and parent.

This made me properly LOL

OP, ime nurseries/schools tend to request that these details are updated every year, so you and your partner could just take turns at being first call.

DH is our primary contact for DD1 in nursery. I'm a SAHM 15 mins walk from nursery, but DH is more likely to answer his phone than I am (we don't have a landline)
So our deal is, they would ring DH and if he's available to drive and collect her, he will call to let me know that's what's happening. If he can't get there, he will call me and I will walk to get her.

You really are over thinking this whole situation!

Also, in the year DD has been going to nursery, we have never been called due to an emergency

This is such a weird non-issue.

Flip a coin and put one of you down as primary contact. If there's an issue, they'll try that person first. If you don't answer, they'll try the other one of you. Not rocket science.

A lot of nursery's have apps now, so all updates about events, etc are on there - so you can both have that. If not, set up a joint email address for them to send things to. Again, not rocket science.

Do the nursery have an app?
Once our nursery transferred to the App all the fancy dress reminders, letters etc went on there and both parents can have a log in. That solves that problem.

We have genuinely not faced any of the issues you've faced but I know others have. I would honestly let her start nursery with whoever you chose as first contact and if they get it wrong address it with them. There may be absolutely no problem.

@Equalparent I'm down as the primary contact, purely because I work a 5 minute drive away, whereas my husband works an hour away. They phone me first and if I can't answer, they phone my husband and then work their way down the list of numbers we have given.

Just because I am closer, doesn't mean it all falls down to me. If it's not life or death and I can't get to nursery, I'd phone my husband up to collect.

Just put DH down as primary. Nice to challenge the status quo sometimes.

I had to tell you this but I have some friends let’s call her Jessica / Jessica is a GP. Married to Martin who is in finance and works from home and relatively easy to juggle childcare. So they specifically put him as first carer yet 9/10 times they phone her for pick up/ illness etc drives them both demented.

Then they should find a less sexist nursery

I get it OP.
I've also seen so many threads on MN, of nurseries and schools always phoning the mum regardless of who the primary contact is.

We put my husband down first on the field for school, they still put me down as first on their database (they only further it when I specifically asked them to, but they still office me first!)

Our childminder contacts me first despite its asking her to contestw my husband first and him doing 90% of drop offs and collections.

Its totally understandable why you want to avoid getting caught in this trap. Sadly it is very ingrained in our society still that mums are the default parents and going against that is hard and people deem it to be petty.

The best you can do is put him down as the first contact and if they ask context you first, be firm about it.

Well then fight for who gets to be there for your unwell child. Or flip a coin for the privilege. Or just put you as you're the mother and want to be there for them the most.