"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

I’m the primary contact, however as a teacher I’m unable to have access to my phone. My DP is also a teacher! One day when DD was ill (well, two loose nappies…) they phoned my mobile, DP’s mobile (left voicemail on both), my parents (were driving and don’t have car phone set up) and DP’s mum (talked to her) then my work number and someone from my school office came to my classroom to tell me the nursery were trying to get in touch.

You're being weird. They will call the first contact first, every time. If that person doesn't answer, they will call the second contact, every time. They're not going to not call your husband if your child needs collecting and you don't answer. Just put your husband first, it'll obviously make you feel better but don't expect the staff to notice and give you equal parenting brownie points, they will still simply call the first contact first, then the second contact next.

Even if we share emergency pick ups equally, then if all nursery requests come to me first, then that's an unfair division of life admin.

Good grief, how do you manage parenting?
"Sorry DC I've done my quota of nappy changes for today, you'll have to wait until Daddy is available"

Put his name down. Change your phone number and sit back knowing you'll never be asked to pick up an ill kid.
Sounds bliss!

misses point

You are literally arguing over who they should call in an EMERGENCY your DC falls and breaks their arm, your DC has a head injury, your DC has projectile vomited etc are you saying you wouldn't want to know in the interests of equality?

The nursery don't care who picks your DC up in an emergency they want him looked after.

I teach at secondary, I call whoever the Primary contact is first, then move down the list until I get an answer, mum, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. I don't put any thought into if they are male or female. If you must put an emergency phone number for a cheap mobile that you pass between you and your partner when you are 'on duty'.

As a parent I am primary contact for DD (on my school work number as I don't have my phone on me) if it's an actual emergency where she needs me ie a hospital visit I drop what I was doing and leave work having put cover in place. If its a non emergency such as sickness I ring my parents and one of them will pick her up instead depending on which one is off work that day/available then I go back to my class.

The person who is called doesn’t have to be the one who collects.

In the name of equality OP, don’t put any names down, and leave your injured/sick child at nursery. Or pragmatic parent and put one of your names first, and the other second.

my youngest child is about to leave primary school. I think we’ve been called fewer than 5 times in 12 years of nursery/school.

given this is such a big issue for you, you only have two options then don’t you:

1. you put DH down first and you 2nd. And hope that they call DH first
2. you only put DH down because you are so scared of being inconvenienced by your sick child. So nursery calls DH and can’t get through and then have no-one else to contact whilst your child has had an accident or remains sick

I mean do you really want to go with 2?

is this issue of yours really more important than the safety and well-being of your child- I mean really?!

You are overthinking this. We had a nanny rather than nursery so perhaps a higher threshold for calling parents but we were called once in my daughter's pre-school years. Once. I've no idea who the nanny called first but I ended up going and met the nanny at A and E.

We both worked FT and pre-Covid were both in the City around an hour from home every day.

My husband is definitely a 50% parent. Probably 51% as my job can involve a lot of travel and he picks up the slack when I am away. I have no idea who the primary contact is on the school database. It is pretty irrelevant. It only comes into play during illness or emergencies. We both receive the emails telling us what is going on and are both responsible for making sure costumes, etc happen.

You're way overthinking this. It doesn't matter - put whoever and if they are busy they will call the other one anyway.

"You misinterpreted what I wrote. If you read my original OP, I am asking whether putting my DH as the primary contact would result in the nursery being more likely to actually try to contact DH if I can't be reached"

If your child is sick , needs medical attention of course they will contact who's next on the list .

Put down whoever is most likely to be able to answer their phone if you can. If you can't decide who that is then decide between you who wants to be contacted first. This could be whoever can usually get to the nearest hospital fastest or to the nursery quickest or you can toss a coin. If they can't get through to that person they will try the next. It doesn't matter who they phone as long as you are both adults about it and don't start arguing over whos turn it is, make it fair between you, its not up to the nursery to do this. Basically if your kid is rushed to hospital who should they try first to get a parent their quickest.

So what is it that you actually want them to do?

What are these jobs that can’t be disturbed? If the two of you aren’t either air traffic controllers or cardiac surgeons controlling microsurgery remotely then you really are being a bit ridiculous here.

If you genuinely resent being called when your child needs you as much as you seem to then buy a cheap phone and SIM card and give them the number for that, then whoever is free keeps it with them.

It’s only for a couple of years until you can pack them off to boarding school.

Maybe I have this wrong, and nurseries only contact parents when it's a life or death A&E situation, but of the people I know who have kids, they report having to stop work and pick their kid up due to a slight cold, etc.

I fully understand why nurseries have to do this, but finding having to get time off to pick up a child with a mild bug inconvenient doesn't mean that you resent your child's existence FFS!

You're seriously reading too much into it. Primary contact is just that, the first person to call. Followed by an emergency contact. It isn't a commentary on your family or parenting- and really doesn't need this level of thought and concern........they just want a parent who will answer the phone and be available......

They will all when their policy says that they have to. And yes. You are coming across at being resentful at having to be bothered when your child needs you.

Is your job really so terribly important that you çan’t answer the phone? What can you possibly do that this is an issue?

Maybe consider a nanny .

You are coming across at being resentful at having to be bothered when your child needs you.

It might not be your intention OP but my goodness this is spot on, this is exactly how you are coming across.

Yes your child will need collecting if they seem to be coming down with a bug or a cold. This will happen repeatedly, probably 3/3 times a month in the first year of them being at nursery as they get exposed to a whole array of germs and their immune system learns to cope.

If your job and your child's fathers job is seriously that important that your child being unwell comes down to a coin toss on who gets the misfortune to be stuck with them then I honestly pity your child. They will soon learn they are at the bottom in terms of their parents priorities. Your posts make quite a depressing read.

This for us too 😂

This is one of the nitpickiest posts I’ve read in a while… I’ve never found answering the phone to cause such an “unfair division of life admin” but hey ho.
DH is the primary contact here as I work for the NHS and can’t just leave patients uncared for if my child is sick. However they’ve never sent her home in over 2 years of attending. They do call if she’s bumped her head as their policy is to phone about every head injury even if not severe. But I’ve never had to actually do anything…

I'm married to my Children's dad. I've never put his number down for anything as he's in the military. In fact my mum is contact number #2. They probably don't even know they have a dad.

Good grief

If you're putting so much angst and effort into this, the next 18 years are going to be mind blowing for you

I don't think your first paragraph was necessary. Unless it's nothing to do with who can leave work to collect a sick child.

Are you trying to prove a point that you don't have mum and dad roles and you're equally the main carer?

Well nursery won't care.

100% set up a joint email address for DC stuff so it gets sent to both of you.