"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

I want either me or my DH to be contacted if my DS is unwell, not me every single time by default.
My colleagues who have kids say that the nurseries send them home all the time for the smallest sniffle or raised temperature. That is an uncon

It's the bigger societal issue of mothers being the default parent that seems to be causing you concern. Probably because you know it exists and it makes women's work and home life harder than it needs to be and feels really unfair.

So no harm in your husband putting himself down as primary contact. They'll call you if they can't get him and you'll figure it out together either way.

The first couple of months in childcare are tough with rolling illnesses. You'll get out the other side even if it doesn't feel that way when you're in it. Good luck!

Whoops. Accidentally hit post too soon. That should have ended *That is an inconvenience.

My nursery don't always pick the same parent to call. So we discuss between us who is going to get her. It's normally me as I can often just tidy stuff up and go. But we do take illness cover in turns as we use holiday for it so one parent isn't left with no holiday.
The first year we had a few sick days. Sickness bug is the worst as you the parents will get it.
Then chicken pox as that lasts a while.
Plus all sorts of child illness I haven't heard of before having a toddler!

What a trivial thing to get in a tizz about.

I think this comes in the category of tough shit. Nursery's wont look after unwell children however inconvenient you find that.

It's not the nursery's job to remember who was called last time and mix it up for you. This is so pathetic.

So if they call you and it's DH's turn (or vice versa), you let him know.

IME it does matter who's primary contact. My children's primary school would try only try and contact me, even if I didn't answer. I'd mentioned repeatedly I wouldn't always have my mobile on me as we weren't allowed them in the lab. Didn't make a difference. Even on one occasion when I'd told them in advance I'd be out of the country and they'd need to contact DH if there was an issue. They were very surly with him when he hadn't guessed they'd shut the school and wanted the kids picked up.

This

I'm down has first contact but the nursery have never called me both times they called for DS to be collected they called my husband. They call him cause they know he does the school drop off and pick ups most days.

Please stop with the over angsty rubbish about trying to show how amazing you are for telling people that the mother should not assumed to be primary contact!!
Put both names down, I'm sure one of you can be excused temporarily from your highly important WFH job in the event of illness

maybe it says more about your relationship than the systems in place that you need to force this direct with the provider?

Exactly my thoughts. This is something parents would discuss together and come to some agreement. Is there something stopping you from doing that?

This is not a hill to die on. Stick someone's name down, if you can't answer first they'll just go to the second contact. It's not a big deal.

When you get to school and have to deal with parent pay, trips, WhatsApp, and all the other shit, choose one of you as the main contact and then delegate. From experience me if you are both involved it means you miss shit because you assume the other has dealt with it.

Over the next 20 years you'll make thousands of large and small parenting decisions and I'm pretty sure that by the time your DS is an adult you won't be able to remember who the primary contact was at nursery because it really doesn't matter. Let it go and toss a coin as to who you put down first.

I speak as someone with three teens who is also an "equal parent" with my DH. I've got no idea who was the primary contact for nursery; they'd ring one of us and whoever was closest/available would collect - the same as every other family I know.

Sounds like your jobs are more important to you than your child's health and wellbeing. That's the trouble with children, they're just so damned 'inconvenient'.

This. If they are the type of nursery to assume mum is more available, they’ll do this whatever you put on the form. Same for schools.

Totally understand this OP. Put DH down. They'll contact you first anyway. DH is and always has been down as primary contact for nursery and school, and yet they have never ever called him first. But at least they call him when I don't answer!

Think you’re overthinking this. Dh was always primary contact, for nursery, primary and secondary school. Was never an issue, they always rang him.

So put your husband's name/number first, yours second. Worry about who always gets called when/if it happens.

And you will get called, if you are putting a 1 year old in nursery they are going to get loads of temperatures/virus's etc. be prepared to have to make lots of allowances at work! It sounds like you'll share them with your other half 50/50 so that's good.

They always called me first but I drove to work and didn't rely on public transport so i was often able to get there quicker than DH. I just wanted to get to them if they were sick so I'm ok with that.

Do you expect them to remember who they called last time he had the sniffles 3 months ago and alternate?

Just put DH down and get him to ring you if you're closer ffs.

Yawn.

Doesn't matter who they call? The most appropriate person that day goes to pick them up. I'm the primary but if I'm busier then DH goes to pick DC up - we just tell about it.

Don't over think.

You misinterpreted what I wrote. If you read my original OP, I am asking whether putting my DH as the primary contact would result in the nursery being more likely to actually try to contact DH if I can't be reached. I am not expecting the nursery to keep a tally and alternate between us, but at the same time I don't want them to ignore him as an option.

What I am really worried about, is ending up in a situation just like @chutneypig describes. She is not the only one to have described such an experience, so my worries about this are not entirely irrational. It's actually previous MN threads where people complained about nursery or school never contacting an OP's DH that got me worried about this in the first place.

From the responses here it seems there are some very sensible nurseries who do actually go straight to calling the second contact if the primary contact is not available, but I have no way of knowing in advance whether my nursery will actually do this or just assume that everything child related falls to me. I thought putting DH first might signpost that I am not the default parent.

Set up a new email address, use it for school and forward on to each of your emails. then you share equally.
Get a payg phone, give that number to school, take turns to forward calls to that number to your mobiles. The person whose turn is coming to an end is responsible for switching the forwarding.

Would be much simpler to just stick someone's number down and take turns though....

I choose DH because he works from home. It isn't a big deal though. 😑

I just put on the form to call me in the morning and DH in the afternoon, nursery have gone along with that 🤷🏻‍♀️