"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

So what? What’s the problem there? It’s likely to be a one minute phone call once a month. Your job is really not important enough that that matters.

I don't know why people are being so chippy about this when all over the site women are bemoaning the impact of being the "default parent", and the mental load and work and personal impact thereof.

That said, OP, I think you are focusing on this as a cause when it's actually a symptom of societal bias.

People and institutions will treat you as the default parent. Not all of them, but some. There is nothing you can do about that. Even if they do in fact call your DH first if you list him as primary contact, the nursery may treat you as "default parent". Where the rubber will hit the road is inside your household. If you and DH are committed to equal parenting, you will achieve it, but it will happen between yourselves and not on a nursery form. We're a long way off eliminating societal sexism, so until we get there you will have to negotiate that equality with your H. It's a dynamic balance and it may change over time.

You might want to have the conversation now about which of you gets added to the nursery/class WhatsApp group!

Exactly sick child with bugs or who needs medical attention nursery want them off their hands. They will keep phoning until they get someone, really they don't care if its, mum, dad, grampa, granny, the neighbours.

Really the child wants their parent.

You're overthinking it because nothing is more important than your child. If your child needs collected then they must get collected no matter how inconvenient it is for you or your husband. Work has to take second place. End of story

@AquaticSewingMachine thank you! I second this.

I have to say that I am really taken aback by the pushback to me considering this a potential problem, when I have seen countless threads on this site about how important it is for male partners to do their fair share of life admin.

Surely if you were called and you couldn't stop work you'd call your partner and get him to do the pick up?
Does it really matter who gets the initial call?
Once when my child had fallen on her face and scraped it badly the grandparents were the only ones answering so they collected her.
I'm a bit puzzled as to why you seem almost insulted that you would be seen as the default parent.
It sounds a bit like you're competing with your partner as to who has the more important job? Maybe a conversation you need to have with him before getting indignant about a hypothetical call.

I get this point, I really do. But they will see you both doing drop offs and pick ups and realise there isn't a default. If it is of this much concern to you though I would I put DH first.

How is it "puzzling" that I would be offended by people assuming that I am the default parent based on nothing other than the fact that I am a woman?

Op regardless of who's best placed to collect sick / injured child.

Would you want the first hand or second hand information on what actually happened?
Keeping in mind bits of the story get lost every time it's retold.

They just ring one and then the other immediately anyway, so surely it doesn't matter? Just write 'joint first contact' on the form.

It doesn't matter. It's just a phone call. Who picks up the child is up to you.

How is it "puzzling" that I would be offended by people assuming that I am the default parent based on nothing other than the fact that I am a woman?

But no one has presumed you are the default parent. You're getting super worked up about a situation that hasn't even happened.

Put DH first and then feel free to complain if they call you first despite his name being the primary contact. Otherwise you're really jumping the gun and looking for issues which don't exist.

Bzuh?

A sickness call is basically just "DC threw up/had diarrhoea/has a temp" and I trust DH to be able to relay that riveting detail to me accurately.

If there was an accident, there will be a written accident form.

This thread is degenerating into the bizarre. Or course it's inconvenient and awkward to have to pick up a sick child, especially if you can't WFH and especially if it happens often and especially if the child is basically fine but the nursery are rigidly applying a policy. You get behind with work, it's stressful, you might lose pay or be put on notice or lose your job. That doesn't mean you don't love your child. It means you like not being unemployed. Yet this thread is rapidly degenerating into "if you don't love being the primary contact and positively leap at the chance to leave work to pick DC up, you're an inferior parent".

I think people are pushing back because you are arguing about something that could potentially happen.

The primary contact is not the primary carer.

IF you put DH first and they still contact you 'because you are the woman', then you can approach the nursery and simply reiterate that the person as primary contact should be contacted.

You're trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist.

To your colleagues who say they are all contacted first because they are the woman then they need to go back to their nursery and ask them not to.

If your nursery assume you're the default then push back and ask them not to. Mention it. Change it. If they won't then find a nursery more in keeping with your values.

And my nursery probably did think I was the default parent because 1) I sent the enquiry for spaces/visits/waiting list (as I was on maternity leave), I filled in all the forms (maternity leave and also I was negotiating flexible working with my employer which had an impact on days we needed), I also did all the settling in sessions (again, I was on maternity leave). So right from the off, I was the one who had the most contact with them!

@TheOrigRights That is exactly what I was thinking but could never have expressed it as eloquently as you.

Talk about overthinking!

How is it "puzzling" that I would be offended by people assuming that I am the default parent based on nothing other than the fact that I am a woman?

This hasn't happened yet though has it?

If your husband Is put down as the primary contact and they still call you first then 100% raise it and tell them to pack it in. One parent needs to be first on the list though. If it's you they'll always call you first, if it's your husband they will call him first (and if they don't you need to complain).

The argument about who picks up is to be had once you've been contacted, whichever parent had the phone call.

Again, is your Dh actively pursuing advice on the completion of this form?

@AquaticSewingMachine "...I trust DH to be able to relay that riveting detail to me accurately."

THIS ^^

Of course they will try to contact the secondary contact if they can’t contact the first contact. The last thing the nursery wants is to end up being left caring for a vomiting child with a raging temperature all day. And frankly they don’t care that you both have such super important jobs that you can’t decide who they need to call.

(You need to get this who do they call issue sorted by reception btw, if we had a child who wasn’t picked up for example and the contacts didn’t answer we called social services, they always answered! )

Blimey , I hope you never arrive at the bottom of the stairs at the same time. You would spend a week trying to decide who walks up first

They will always contact you first whichever order you put the names in.