"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

Op I've had a fair few of the "He's sick / injured come and get him".

Some are a bring them home to chill, some via the pharmacist / Drs or hospital care. One of your demanding full-time jobs will just have to wait, child comes first. And actually if its a hospital job the person who is staying will need support from somewhere.

If its an easy he's been sick we just need him & bugs gone then one collects and you both juggle at home.

Child is number one, job is number two.

It is beginning to sound like you resent the idea of having to stop work to pick up your sick child?

I also think you are confusing primary contact , eg who is likely to arrange collecting in an emergency and primary carer .

The nursery will call down the list and then between yourselves figure out who can pick up.

In the first 3-6 months you may get a few if these phone calls as your child will pick up bugs from being around a lot of kids for the first time (a bit like freshers flu) but it does calm down in the end.

They also want to know who to chase for the bills. You can't expect them to be chasing you both up in case you're arguing over it.

You'll fall into a routine of what works best with who does pick up etc. Over the years when a child has looked ropey on an evening we've had many 'what's your diary like tomorrow' conversations.

Ultimately someone has to be on the list first. If the first doesn't answer they'll call the second. If you want that to be dad then that's fine.

If the nursery or school ignore this and only call mum I'd keep raising it with them until it's sorted but it hasn't happened to us. One of my friends has her dad (the child's grandad) as the first contact and they always call him first.

Get a landline and use that as the primary number. Whoever is wfh that day answers and is the default primary that day.

DP and I both WFH FT and have occasional days away, and also split things fairly equally. I’m the primary because I happened to fill in the nursery forms that day and didn’t even think about it. I just turn my phone upside down when I’m in client calls. I’d say by chance it’s landed about 50/50 which of us has taken the call and done the pick-up where needed, but ultimately if you’re both home that day and there’s a sick kid at home too, you split it all between you. “The call” is a 30-second piece of life admin that can immediately be shared with the other parent.

Some pps seem to take exception to either the fact that DH and I had the audacity to have a child with "demanding" jobs, or that I opted to use that word to describe our jobs.

To clarify, my point by using that phrase was that our workloads are similar, so there isn't an obvious person who has more flex or shorter hours, and therefore makes automatic sense to be the first contact. It doesn't mean that there is no possibility of me or DH stopping work if DS gets sick.

In addition, I am getting a real sense of competitive mummy martyrdom from the pps making wild leaps about "resenting" my child because I envisage that having to stop work to collect them for a sniffle might not be ideal.

I am pretty sure all the parents who said that they were stressed from homeschooling during the pandemic didn't "resent" their children. They were just stressed out by having to do two things at once!

You might get lucky anyway. We've never had to pick DD up early from nursery in two years! Depends a lot on your nursery but also your child. Some just get ill a lot more than others. DD had quite a few colds when she started but none that were bad enough to keep her off or have her sent home, just runny nose kind of thing (DH and I were another story - we got every cold and it knocked us for six!). I still keep my phone on loud every nursery day just in case though!

Bit this is what parenting is about. If they are sick they can't go for 48hrs. If they catch chickenpox it can be up to 2 weeks before they can go back. Infectious viral illnesses are rife in nursery's. If they have a temp they need to go home, it may amaze you to know that even when children have a sniffle they want their home comforts and parents. The staff aren't on a one to one ratio enabling them to comfort your child all day.

I don't think nursery is the best option for you, you'd be better with an au pair or nanny.

"It doesn't mean that there is no possibility of me or DH stopping work if DS gets sick."
Op this is not as hard as your making it . It doesn't matter what order you put the numbers. The nursery will ring the first number , if it's you and you answer you arrange collecting your son . This could be you , your DH or the bin man . If you don't answer they will ring the second number, again the second person arranges collection of DS . This again might mean they call you , a friend, family or the dog walker or go themselves.
If you can stop work to fetch you can stop work to answer the phone and then sort out collecting him .

This isn't meant to be martyrdom but in most parenting teams when you have little ones, someone's job DOES end up taking more of a hit. To do it exactly 50/50 must be hard. From my life, my husband's job has a lot more pressure than mine, he also has more meetings and earns much more than me. So if it comes down to it, I'm more likely to be the one to collect a sick child. But that said, if I'm at a work event, have an important meeting/ whatever, then he'll move things around and do it. But that's all dealt with between us depending on what is happening with work that day. I presume you considered a nanny but rejected? Because that might work better for you. A nanny wouldn't call you for a sniffle!

TBH OP there are going to be multiple times in your child’s life when you, as the mother, will be defaulted to. It is ingrained in society.

For example nobody has ever, ever contacted my husband about a playdate or a child’s party.

It isn’t possible to prevent this by controlling who others contact. You will just end up cross when people ignore your instructions.

Your best bet is to work out a system with your DH for sharing tasks equally and accept that may mean you forwarding various emails and whatsapps to him. Or accept you will inevitably end up with more nursery/school/social admin so he is responsible for things like food, kids clothes etc to balance it.

Ok you don't resent it. Apologies. It is just coming across

Oops posted too soon.

It's coming across like you're worried you're going to be stuck looking after your sick child more than your husband. But really this is all just who do they phone first. And then it's up to you two to organise the rest. The nursery in the nicest possible way don't give a shit about who looks after them, they just want a phone number and then they will move on to the next phone number. Very quickly. They call one straight after no answer on the other.

They often call me first as im more able to answer and I message my husband and he goes to pick them up as he is more able to leave that day

50/50 is all well and good until it comes to the crunch.

Nursery calls DC has breathing issues, come and collect, you collect, call GP on way home, "bring him in", GP says "hospital", Hospital keep him for a few hours, then say over night, then it becomes a second and third night only one of you can stay.

Who's staying???

Working parents get very upset at the idea of other parents calling themselves a "full-time parent" being a parent is a 24/7 job regardless of other commitments.

@Dinoteeth

Aghh, having real trouble with the layout of the new MN site on my phone, and it keeps causing me to accidentally hit post. What I was trying to type, was that in that dramatic scenario, we would either both be there or take turns to do the overnight.

BTW that was a real life experience. And throw into the mix another child who also needs looked after.

I think there is so much overthinking going on here. Just chuck yourself down, if you’re busy they’ll contact your husband. You’ll work it out between you IF there is a scenario. Job done.

With our childminder, my husband and I are in a WhatsApp group with her. Any issues she’ll post on there.. only been once in nearly a year where we’ve had to pick him up. It’s up to me and my husband to have a discussion about who gets him, and work out what we’ll do with work etc.. the nursery will not care.

Oh fgs! Why is this an issue? You and DH can communicate with each other to decide who can pick up your child if they're sick, no matter who takes initial call. This is a really really non issue and cannot believe an adult mother is asking this question.

It's an issue because schools and nurseries don't always behave in the ideal way of automatically moving to the next contact. If you read the full thread, you will see that some PPS said that they always get contacted and never their DH.

I very much doubt that schools/nurseries will not call the next person on the list. They just keep calling numbers until they get hold of someone! It's who they call first that seems to be the issue here - so when filling in the form for nursery, just say 'call DH first please'.

Who is your DH seeking advice from about this issue?