"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

We've had about 10 due to covid closures/staff shortage/child illness etc since starting! Probably need to move nursery!

This... or take it a step further and set up a separate email for nursery/school/clubs etc [email protected] which you both access equally...

You will need a pretty robust management system to make sure the kids has what they need as they get older if everything gets split down the middle - to make sure that it doesn't ends up with neither of you taking responsibility for the kids life admin.

I can see why you want to do this OP, and you are right alot of kid admin defaults to the mother unless nursery/school/clubs never see mum, but maybe it says more about your relationship than the systems in place that you need to force this direct with the provider?

We had six contacts listed for DD, they just went down the list until someone answered. The final contact was her uncle who worked from home, everyone else worked outside the home but had some days where they'd be able to drop stuff and others where they wouldn't.

I think I was first contact, I think they actually got hold of me once in 4 years - and I was at work so had to get MIL to do pick up as DH was working away that week. Another time I didn't answer and DH did and sorted it.

What I would say - if you can't deal with arranging pick up don't answer the phone, once they'd got hold of someone our nursery expected that person to sort it.

Your overthinking this! You say you both work from home... so if one of you gets a phone call you can say to the person (in the same house) that your child needs picked up! Then you discuss between yourselves who will pick up your sick child.
I've put my husband down as contact as I work shifts and part time so even though I am doing most of the pick ups/drop offs and majority of child care. I cannot be contacted at work very easily as I'll be in patients homes.

The unimportant requests.... Just give them your rota a week in advance on who to email Mon to Wed morning and then Wed PM to Fri..... You are being utterly ridiculous.

This is for you to decide between yourselves OP. The nursery cannot choose for you.

Don't other think it.

The nursery calls me, and then DH and I decide who does the collection based on what our work days look like. If I am in a meeting and dont pick up, they would ring DH.

Just put a number down, if you can't fetch say DH will be along shortly.
It's not rocket science just to give a number to a nursery . I was primary number for DN (only because I was around in the day ) take call , ring parent , fetch child until parent came .

we put my DH as primary contact but they still always ring me first. They seem to always ring mum before Dad so I wouldn’t get bothered by any of it.

Get a burner phone and give them that as the primary number and whoever is on call takes that phone for the day.

Almost as silly a suggestion as your "worries" about working out who the nursery calls first.

As someone in the exact same situation for a number of years can I just say that over complicating and over thinking little things for the sake of it isn’t going to be a good addition to your busy demanding full time working lives!

Put your DH and then you.

They are likely to ring you first anyway…..

expressing concern over how to balance work and parenting and not become the default parent with all of the mental load does not mean that a mother does not prioritize her child above all else. It simply means recognizing that the system is awful and that women do have to think about these things.

You’re now making it sound like your child is an inconvenience!

I’ve had the sort of day where threads like this make my eyes roll right into my head.

Just put your H down and give it a rest.

At some point OP your child is going to need you when it's inconvenient for both of you. Do not fight over it, have a simple conversation over who's important job is the least important that day and make sure its equal (or as equal as it can be) in terms of impact.

Thats actually not a bad idea...

Honestly it's so not worth even giving a moments thought to. It baffles me that the OP has not only given it considerable thought but also taken the time to post a thread on the issue.

Seriously it's a wonder people who over think to this extent manage to get through the day. Whilst the rest of us don't give stuff like this a second thought because it truly doesn't fucking matter.

Quite.

Geez dont say 'hang on I'll get her dad'. You say 'on no, poor tallulah has been sick, ok one of us will be there shortly to collect her.'

Then you go and fetch dh and discuss who is going. Or vica versa.

For God's sake keep the nursery out of your petty tit for tat games with your husband.

As someone who works in a nursery you are looking too far into this.

For us to be able to contact a parent if something goes wrong or if a child is unwell, we need to be able to phone whoever is most likely to answer their phone, if the primary number doesn’t answer we move onto the next parent and then onto the emergency contacts until someone answers the phone,.

Welcome to parenting. You have this for the next 18 years so you’ll need to decide. You’re being a bit precious about it. Who on earth wouldn’t want to be called if their child was unwell.

I will also add, I'm a childminder and I use an online system to communicate with parents. I send start up emails to both parents and currently out of 6 children, I have zero dads who have clicked on the link to set up. All the mums have joined though.

You just put who you want them to call first. If you can't make that decision how would they? 😆

If on the day it's more convenient for the other parents to go, you work that out between you. If the primary contact doesn't pick up they'll call next on the list.

Way over thinking.. When i was a c/m i would contact who was most available... it depended on the parents jobs..

If urgent and u couldn't get hold of one just tried the next.. tbh when i needed a parent urgerlt- i had an unwell child and other children to care for so i really didn't care who picked up.. Had no more opinion on who it was..