"Primary contact" for nursery when both parents work FT

[Equalparent]

My DS will start nursery in a few months time. Despite me being on mat leave, my DH and I have very much shared parenting. DH does loads of night shifts with DS, and as DH works from home, he takes DS for his lunch break every weekday. DH also fully shares evening and weekend childcare with me.

The nursery forms indicate that we have to put one of us as the "primary" contact. We really dislike the idea of this, as we are both going to be working full time so neither of us will have more flexibility to drop everything than the other.

We're thinking that if we put me as the primary contact, then the nursery will just never contact DH and assume that I am the default parent for everything. We are thinking that if we put DH first, then it at least sends a signal that DH should be involved.

What are other people's experiences of this?

At least a few people have posted to say that their child's nursery or school makes no attempt to contact their DH and defaults to the mother. This is what I am worried about.

Ehy does it worry you. Sometimes my child's nursery rings me first other times they ring his dad first, if the person they call doesn't answer they try the next number.

They don't deliberately choose to call mum first but so what if they did. It doesn't impact on my day and if I can't answer the phone it doesn't matter who they called first.

It's a very stupid trivial thing to be so cross over, especially as you don't even know that this is what the nursery will do.

Our contact list is just for emergencies. Nursery communications are addressed to us both and sent either via our emails, the Facebook group or notes in bag. We never get called about routine stuff.

The school are not going to sit and work out who they need to call next to ensure your life admin is split equally, they just want a bloody number!

Just write both numbers! Agree who is closest is best. X

If they do only send to one email address, just set up an email rule that autoforwards anything that comes from the nursery address to the other person so you each have a copy. We do that with various things where they only send one to address.

We both work FT. I think I'm first contact but in practice they tend to phone whichever one of us they saw at dropoff that morning.

As long as you are clear amongst the two of you who is on 'nursery duty' for unexpected pickups on any given day then you just call the other parent yourself or even divert your phone if you aren't available. The one who is called doesn't have to be the one who collects from nursery.

Our nursery also demands a third emergency contact for when they can't get hold of either parent.

Why don't you put Dad as primary contact? Or ignore the call when it comes to you and they'll call Dad?

If we can't contact parent 1, we move onto parent 2, grandma, whoever else is on the contact list. As for emails about events etc, they get sent to both parents if we have both email addresses.

You really are making something out of nothing, and it does sound like neither of you want to be bothered with calls about your child's wellbeing.

OP, really you are over thinking.

Lots of parents have 'demanding full time jobs' that doesn't mean that they can't be a primary contact.

You can request that both parents are emailed about day to day stuff. And if the primary person doesn't answer the phone they will call the other one.

Just because you happen to answer the phone doesn't mean you are tied to collecting. Although who would start arguing about who collects an ill child from nursery, no matter how demanding the job, your child will come first surely.

In several years of nursery and school we've only had 3 phone calls to collect due to illness, it's hardly onerous

Just put both of you down. I'm technically the primary contact for my DSs nursery but also work so often can't answer the phone if they call while I'm in a meeting etc. But it's fine, if I don't answer they just immediately try DH, and leave a message for us to call back if neither of us answer.

Especially as unimportant requests for fancy dress etc. will undoubtedly get emailed to the "primary" contact

We glet all emails to both contacts. Otherwise what would happen if parents are separated? But most nurseries have an app these days for all the routine communication. The idea is both parents have it on their phones. So all you have to do is make sure DH doesn't make it 'your job' to check it.

They are going to always call the primary first. You aren’t wrong. There is no way around this.

There is nothing stopping the primary parent from contacting the secondary parent immediately after the call and telling them it’s their turn to deal with things. Actually, if you both WFH, you could even on occasion do what I have done on a day I just don’t have time at all and say give me just a second to get her Dad as I quickly start walking from my home office to my husband’s home office and hand him my cell phone. Dd is a teenager with asthma so we have years of experience with this balancing act.

I say put the parent with the most flexibility down. When me and my sister were kids, my dad was put down as primary as he was closer and he could leave whenever, my mother couldn't. She was put down as secondary.

You'll just have to choose someone. I know it's tough but they want to know who to ring first and chase for bills.

The 'unimportant' requests for fancy dress are actually that important ones. The emails about things that impact your child's happiness and well-being are important.

Being dressed up on the right day is important. Bringing the photo from home for show and tell is important. Being prepared for the trip to the zoo is important.

Collecting an unwell child rather than arguing logistics is important. What isn't important is the order on the call list or flipping a coin for who leaves work to be with your unwell little one.

We have never had problems getting two email addresses listed.

my big tip is to create a new email address for school and kid related activities only. DH and I each made one when dd started nursery. Set it to come automatically to your phone with its own alert. Don’t give the school the same email you use for online shopping or mumsnet registration. It’s too easy for things to get lost in the clutter. It’s also fantastic if the school ever uses a first come first served sign up system, like for parent teacher conference time slots or what to bring for the school party. You get the message immediately.

@Ponderingwindow that's a very good suggestion. I think that might be the way to solve it.

We are going to have different days where the one of us is "on call", due to the other heavier workload that day, so handing him the phone in that situation would be ideal.

God, are you this anxious over all of life's tiniest problems? Are either of you even going to bother to pick up the phone if there is an emergency with your child or are your jobs going to come first?

I would put DH as number one for the reasons others have said. Sadly there is often an assumption that mum is more available for minor things and that dad is only to be disturbed in a big emergency. This way you’re making it clear to all staff that you are both equally responsible and contactable. I work somewhere like this and I see it a lot, although I try to challenge it when I see it.

I suppose I am sceptical that they would automatically try to contact DH if I can't pick up, if I am down as primary.

Theyd phone your first, and if you don’t answer they’d phone him. They don’t give a crap how equally you parent, they just want to no who to try first. You aren’t unique being equal parents you no! Totally over thinking it, I’d put down whoever was more likely to answer the phone first, based on who has better signal or spends less time in meetings. If even that is equal just flip a coin it’s not a big deal is it, they aren’t trying to push out the dad because he’s male.

I don’t think this has to be a big deal.

Put a name on first (you could coin toss) and if the primary owes on doesn’t answer then they’ll ring the second person.

To put your mind at rest you can just let them know your situation.

Whoever usually drops off and picks up is generally the primary contact but if this is both of you then put both of you down.

One more busy parent tip. Set up a shared calendar with your spouse. If your school has an automatic calendar feed, import it. Add every dress up day, every bring something to school day, etc to that calendar where you both can see it and it shows up on your phone agenda. Add them as soon as they come in so you don’t forget. Review once a month and once a week to see what is coming up. We actually just added our teen to the calendar so the system grows with you.

we use outlook so I keep these calendars in layers so the school stuff is all sorted and easy to review . We run our own hosted server though because my DH is a tech geek and can’t do anything simple. I think most families use Google or apple for their shared calendars.

I really never experience this with nursery, DH was primary contact because I don’t get phone signal in my job, it’s literally never been an issue, all they want is someone to pick up the baby if they are ill, if it’s a grandparent they happily phone them too.

This.

I have two primary aged children who have been through nursery. I'm the primary parent as my husband can't have his mobile at work and is often not near a phone. If they can't get hold of me they call bin and leave a message and then wait for one of us to call back.