My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

[GraceAlicia]

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

And op has told them it’s not an alternative. It’s her son, she has the final word.

I agree with @WhenDovesFly.

Feel free to speak whatever language you choose in your own home.
And don’t you dare feel intimidated!

Oh, it absolutely will.

I understood this all with the gears approach. Speaking different languages is like switching gears. So when one parent looks at you you are in ‘gear english’. And when the other looks at you you are in ‘gear spanish’. Don’t mix that up at such a young age. Sure, when they are older and the gears are settled. But do not do it when they are learning.

I think a lot of people commenting here don’t understand the scary reality of ensuring kids are bilingual.

Absolutely. They probably think kids are 'sponges'. Language in, language out. Easy.

It's not like that.

I've seen families fail to raise active bilinguals almost as often as I've seen them succeed. Though it is usually easy enough to achieve passive understanding, if the child thinks they don't need to speak the minority language or gets embarrassed about doing so (like if their grandmother tells them it's rude), they are very likely to end up almost monolingual speakers who understand another language but can't really speak it.

This is nothing to do with language and everything to do with control.

I come from a multilingual family (4 home languages across 3 generations). To my knowledge, nothing was ever said - and certainly not as an angry command - about either of my parents speaking to us in English while at either of the grandparents' houses. Although we did not live with our grandparents, we spent a long time there. Sometimes months at a time. Only one grandparent could speak any English at all.

The reason our parents spoke English to us while in their home country is that they had to: our school in England had told them to stop speaking DM's mother tongue to us. And they, respecting the teachers as experts in education, obeyed.

OP, nothing good will come of giving in to this unreasonable demand. Your dc will not benefit and your MIL will see that she can interfere in your life.

We're simply talking about when she is in the mother in law's house, thats all, not forever, not everywhere, not every interaction. She doesnt have to pick one language but its polite to make sure that someone in their own home doesnt feel that they are being talked about or not have a clue what someone is saying

People are being completely anal about OPOL, its a language strategy, its not going to be ineffective if its not used every single second, however I am mainly talking about OP talking to her husband rather than her son, the mother in law for whatever reason is quite sensitive about that.

Even setting aside the bilingual child element - which is very interesting and by the sounds of things only cements your need to use English - I'm surprised by the harshness of the comments here telling you you should be speaking Spanish at all times. Learning a language is not easy and if you can't yet speak it totally fluently, I don't see why there's a need to be this unforgiving about it.

I think you should speak Spanish at their house, especially as you speak English to your son full-time at your own house. (Does your husband jot speak to him in Spanish at home?).

I presume since you live there you are fluent in Spanish, so it shouldn't be an issue to speak Spanish at their house, especially as you are the only person there for whom English is their first language.

I wouldn't speak French at my in-law's house - it would feel rude and exclusionary.

This is a bizarre thing to find rude. I have a German friend, speaks fluent English, her husband is English and they are raising their son bilingual. When she visits and speaks to her son in German I don’t think it is rude… because this is the language she speaks to her son in?!

I was in my 40s before I realised that I speak DM's mother tongue (painfully reacquired) with her, but switch to English with DF. In fact, I didn't even notice it - a friend pointed it out.

Stick to your guns, @GraceAlicia.

Your H needs to sit down with his mother and explain that you are going to keep speaking English to your son regardless of where you find yourselves. He has married someone who speaks English and she has to come to terms with the choice you have both made to opt for a bilingual family. Her grandson is going to grow up speaking both of the languages which reflect his heritage. He needs to tell her she can like it or lump it.

I've been reading all of the comments and I wanted to clarify a few points.

I speak to my MIL in her language, not mine.
I actually live in Catalonia and so my parents in law speak in Catalan mostly and Spanish.

I speak to her firstly in Catalan and in Spanish. I do not and never address her in English as she would not understand. I have actively been learning Catalan since I moved here shortly before the pandemic and I have barely had any interaction with people other than my husband (with whom I speak in English) to actually become immersed in the language.

Many people are saying it is rude to speak in a language that is not known to other people in their home. I think you are missing the point here.

1. I do and ONLY do speak their language to them
2. I have been in this country for a VERY short period of time
3. I only moved to this country to be with my husband who is from here
4. My husband and I both mutually agreed that we will be raising our son trilingual and I will only speak to him in English

I only speak to my son in English as it is the ONLY input he has. My family live back in the UK and on a daily basis he is only in contact with Catalan and Spanish and English if I am talking to him in this language (which is why I made this conscious decision)

When I had my son we told my husband's parents that I will speak to him in English since I want him to be trilingual and this was very important for me. They said what a good idea it was and how lucky he was.

Naturally, as I only speak to my parents in law in Catalan and Spanish, I realised that I was speaking less and less in English with my son. My husband pointed it out several times and said that we made the decision to raise him from birth with English and I started to become more conscious about it again.

I understand that a lot of people are very ignorant on this topic as they are not bilingual or trilingual and have never experienced this situation. It is very different when it is every day and not just at a family gathering or a party.

People also miss the point that my son is only a year and a half. His input in English is incredibly low and he is only just learning how to talk. His Catalan is dominant over his Spanish and English.

All I want is to express myself the way I want with my child where I want. It is my decision to speak to him in whatever language I want. It should not be policed. I think people should open their mind a bit more than just "her house her rules"

This issue is far more complex as my son is living in a country where my language is spoken to him twice a week at school. And what's the problem that I want to speak and express myself to my own son in my native language? What's it to you?

I think this thread is clearly demonstrating the problem, like most people your mil has probably never heard of the one person one language approach. Could you discuss it with her?

I do think that if you take into account that

• these kids are LEARNING language. They aren’t like us adults that know it already
• language is like a gear system - you are in Spanish gear or English gear when you look someone

that you would then put the child’s language learning above you own adult immaturity. I find it extraordinary that people think that adult hurt feelings matter more than child learning. But each to their own.

OP relax. You are doing it perfectly. Keep at it

My parents are extremely proud that their grandkids speak Italian perfectly and are now taking their gcse early. They don’t understand it but marvel when their dad speaks Italian and the kids answer

Honestly? I'd do as she asks but pull back from seeing as much of her, perhaps speak to DH about a hotel next time as I wouldn't accept her throwing that at me so rudely when she was clearly pissed off about something else and taking it out on you. If you speak on the phone with her, make yourself busy, more days out if you're staying there, volunteering to go to the shops with your son for peace.

And ps I learnt Italian and put all the effort in too. But you would be mental to think I would then communicate to my kids in Italian. They guffaw when I speak it

She does not know what you are saying in English? Then really rude to speak it in front of her especially in her house.

Sorry you don't understand the theory behind rasing kids bilingual. She needs to speak to the children in English all the time. Even if they respond in Spanish. Each parent their own language, that's how the brain is wired learning the two languages when kids are developing.

Hugely unreasonable. As others have said one parent one language for bilingual children. We did it and my husband’s family don’t speak English and my family don’t speak his language. Everyone accepted it and we’re glad the 2 boys learnt both languages.

@spanishmumireland @Cuphalffullor fully agree. There are lots of people on this thread who haven’t brought up bilingual kids and think they ‘feels’ is bigger than the ‘science’. It is hugely worrying bringing up bilingual kids and you have to stick to a system. Why an adult feeling ‘aggrieved’ then takes precedence means people don’t get it.

Explain to your MIL that you are applying the OPOL method (One Person One Language) which is the recommended way to teach bilingual children. So you need to keep the English with your son at all times. What I do in similar situations is to address my kids in my own language and then immediately translate in the other person language (in your case Spanish). So I keep teaching my kids my own language but also the other people don’t feel left out

And just to add most children do not grow up bilingual where one parent speaks English and the other a second language as most parents don’t make the effort. Your MIL should be delighted you are.