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Original poster

My mother-in-law has confronted me that I speak English in her house...

238 replies

GraceAlicia · 08/06/2022 15:38

I live in Spain with my husband who is from here. We have a one and a half year old son who is learning both languages as he develops. With his grandparents, he is speaking in Spanish and with his mum and dad, we are speaking in English.

When we go to our parents-in-laws' house, naturally I speak to my son in English but all interactions with my parents-in-law are in Spanish. Naturally, I often speak to my husband in English when it comes to our son (as this is the language we "met in" and as I said, it is the language we speak in with our son) and this has always been the case.

As I moved here three years ago, in the beginning I wasn't able to speak Spanish so my husband would have to interpret everything but now I have grasped the language very well and I am able to converse with them with no problems.

Now fast forward until today (three years later after I have been apart of this family), and my husband has been having problems with his sister recently (as she has been excluding me from the family - this is worth another chat to explain!!!) and I have not gotten myself involved. Today at the table when we were eating, his sister was brought into conversation and the Mother started to get defensive and attack and suddenly she, out of nowhere, said, "and you won't speak in English in my house anymore. I am tired of English being spoken in my house".

Do you think it is right of her to ask/demand of such a thing? I can understand that if she doesn't understand things, she can get conscious. But since we don't have any problem between us (that I know of), she has absolutely no reason to feel this way. And like I said before, I speak to them both (my parents-in-law) in Spanish and only with my son and sometimes with my husband in English. I never speak to my husband in English about serious topics but things like, "Can you help out with Jack?" or "What time are you home?" Never topics that would make somebody feel conscious or insecure.

What do you think about it? Should I be more conscious and only speak in Spanish in her house? I feel like I want to stand my ground because if I don't speak in English with my son, nobody else will. I want to maintain this with him as its my first language and its how I express myself the best. And also I want my son to speak English here in Spain.

Let me know what you think!!!

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bellac11 · 08/06/2022 20:02

daisyjgrey · 08/06/2022 16:14

When at MILs please stick to Spanish, she feels left out and is frustrated because she doesn't understand what toy are saying.

Please do the same and make the rule that she must ONLY speak English in your house.

If she's so upset that she can't understand anything you say to your child in English then she could probably make an effort and learn some, like you've learnt Spanish. She's being an arse.

Is this a joke?

The mother in law is Spanish, living in Spain, in her own house. Of course you dont visit someone in their home, in their country and speak a different language that she cant understand in front of her to other people in the house

The mother in law certainly doesnt need to speak English in OPs home, her son is Spanish, her daughter in law (OP) also speaks and understands Spanish and has chosen to set up a life in Spain. Mother in law doesnt speak English, she has no need to. OP does speak Spanish and had a need to learn it so should use it.

Doginthewindow · 08/06/2022 20:05

If you’re the only one speaking English to your son, both you and your dh REALLY need to make sure he doesn’t one day get a vibe that anyone in your family think it’s a negative or rude thing. It’s normal to be billingual and your son has a fundemental right to speak both languages in his daily life.

Original poster
GraceAlicia · 08/06/2022 20:05

I think you are missing the point. I have learnt this language within the three years that I have been here. For two of those years, we have been stuck inside in a pandemic. As you can imagine, it is not easy to learn a language from under a roof with a person that you met in English and have no outside contact. I ONLY speak to them in Spanish but I speak to my child in MY language as I am his mother and I am raising him this way.

Why should I speak to my son in Spanish JUST because I live in Spain? That is absurd. I have the right to speak to my son in any language I wish. If I were to ONLY speak in Spanish in her house with my son, I would be teaching him incorrectly as I make mistakes naturally.

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Original poster
GraceAlicia · 08/06/2022 20:06

I did not say that she needs to speak English. I said that I want to be able to speak to my son in the language that I was born and raised. I think many people are not bothering to even read my full message.

OP posts:
YRGAM · 08/06/2022 20:10

Cratos · 08/06/2022 19:52

No. If you want to raise bilingual children, regardless of where you are, each parent should speak their mother tongue to the children,. One parent one language. Your mother in law is insecure. I can understand it is hard when nobody else might understand that language but it is still the right thing to do. Acquiring two languages or more when growing up is a privilege. She should want the best for her grandchildren. Stand your ground ! Tell her you will always speak to your child in your own language. If you stop speaking english and continue to live there, you will feel lonely in the future since your children may not be able to speak to you in English and that would be sad.

That's not true, OPOL isn't vital and plenty of families raise bilingual children not using it.

Original poster
GraceAlicia · 08/06/2022 20:10

I actually live in Catalonia... so I have to juggle Spanish AND Catalan at home with them. So you can imagine this adds to my difficulty to keep up!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/06/2022 20:10

One parent, one language is a common rule in bilingual parenting, ime. I just wouldn’t go round so much. I fail to see how the OP is being rude by speaking in English to her own child.

Doginthewindow · 08/06/2022 20:11

bellac11 · 08/06/2022 20:02

Is this a joke?

The mother in law is Spanish, living in Spain, in her own house. Of course you dont visit someone in their home, in their country and speak a different language that she cant understand in front of her to other people in the house

The mother in law certainly doesnt need to speak English in OPs home, her son is Spanish, her daughter in law (OP) also speaks and understands Spanish and has chosen to set up a life in Spain. Mother in law doesnt speak English, she has no need to. OP does speak Spanish and had a need to learn it so should use it.

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Yeah well, op has chosen to live in Spain for now but in the end you have to pick one country to live in, don’t you. Doesn’t mean she has to pick one language though. Op’s som might choose to go and live in the UK one day, and then he’ll benefit from having two languages and cultures. Op’s mil does not have to learn English though, but she has no right to complain that she can’t understand either.

HelloNorthernStar · 08/06/2022 20:12

YABU.

if you were in your own house and you could not speak the same language as your guests and they kept having private conversation you could not understand would you not think that was rude? I do. I think the approach of how you speak to your son and husband is brilliant but I don’t think it is fair to stick to this when as someone house who cannot understand what you are saying.

beachcitygirl · 08/06/2022 20:12

She was rude. I'd visit less or be considering moving back to UK. Or at least let her think that.

Rude old walloper

Doginthewindow · 08/06/2022 20:13

YRGAM · 08/06/2022 20:10

That's not true, OPOL isn't vital and plenty of families raise bilingual children not using it.

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Well what a waste of opportunities that would be.

bellac11 · 08/06/2022 20:13

Delectable · 08/06/2022 17:25

She's sending you a message that she is in control and your feeling do not matter. She's doing this now that she is certain there isn't anyone who will speak up for you. What did your husband say?

Thats exactly the advice the mother in law received when she posted on El Mumsnetto that her daughter in law rocks up and speaks in English to her adult son, in front of her, in her own house that she has spent years welcoming the daughter in law into.

barms90 · 08/06/2022 20:17

I have two sons. We live in Poland and I'm English. I only speak to them in English infront of everyone. Its the bilingual rule one person one language...if you start mixing how you speak to them they will mix too. Only thing I would change is in her house speak to husband in Spanish.

HorseInTheHouse · 08/06/2022 20:17

GraceAlicia · 08/06/2022 20:05

I think you are missing the point. I have learnt this language within the three years that I have been here. For two of those years, we have been stuck inside in a pandemic. As you can imagine, it is not easy to learn a language from under a roof with a person that you met in English and have no outside contact. I ONLY speak to them in Spanish but I speak to my child in MY language as I am his mother and I am raising him this way.

Why should I speak to my son in Spanish JUST because I live in Spain? That is absurd. I have the right to speak to my son in any language I wish. If I were to ONLY speak in Spanish in her house with my son, I would be teaching him incorrectly as I make mistakes naturally.

All this, OP. Exactly right, stick to your guns. People don't realise how delicate the minority language can be and how vital it is to take care over it if you want a child who actively speaks multiple languages (rather than just understanding them).

Sometimes I do speak the local language to my kids, for example when they have school friends over or around other children. But I only let that happen after I was extremely confident that their relationship with me was in English and that they were speaking English well. They are 7 and 4. No way would I have been speaking anything but English to them at all when they were in those early critical stages of language acquisition.

It is your absolute right to have a relationship with your own child in your own native language. It is not rude. It is what is best for your son who is half English and has English family.

spanishmumireland · 08/06/2022 20:20

GraceAlicia · 08/06/2022 20:05

I think you are missing the point. I have learnt this language within the three years that I have been here. For two of those years, we have been stuck inside in a pandemic. As you can imagine, it is not easy to learn a language from under a roof with a person that you met in English and have no outside contact. I ONLY speak to them in Spanish but I speak to my child in MY language as I am his mother and I am raising him this way.

Why should I speak to my son in Spanish JUST because I live in Spain? That is absurd. I have the right to speak to my son in any language I wish. If I were to ONLY speak in Spanish in her house with my son, I would be teaching him incorrectly as I make mistakes naturally.

This is totally logical.
It doesn't make any sense to talk to your kids in Spanish. Its would sound very artificial to you and to them too. Your son is still small but be ready when he grows up he will prefer to respond you in Spanish even though he understand you perfectly, because it will be easier for him (and you can have full conversations like that. Stick to English anyway and never change. My DC are older than your son and have done that for years (answering in English when I talk to them in Spanish). It's only recently they started responding in Spanish too! So stick to it and never give up!!

bellac11 · 08/06/2022 20:20

Ndd135632 · 08/06/2022 17:52

@Nanny0gg because she is following the one parent one language way of bringing up her kid. There is method in her approach.

A couple of hours a week with the odd word or two in Spanish from OP will have next to no effect on the child's learning.

Ndd135632 · 08/06/2022 20:21

OP you are 100% right! When I speak Italian to my kids they laugh at me. I make mistakes. I am not the person to teach them Italian. That’s my husbands job. My job is to teach them English. So they can understand half of their culture and speak to their other grandparents in English. Who they also need a relationship with. I think a lot of people commenting here don’t understand the scary reality of ensuring kids are bilingual. You MIL is rude and racist. Just go there less.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 08/06/2022 20:21

I think it's OK for you to speak English to your DS in MIL's house BUT that you should speak to your DH (and everyone else) in Spanish in front of her, even if it is only "What time are you collecting Jack?", so that MIL does not feel excluded.

girlmom21 · 08/06/2022 20:22

It's rude to speak a language they don't understand in their home. They've told you they're not comfortable so that's that.

Doginthewindow · 08/06/2022 20:23

HelloNorthernStar · 08/06/2022 20:12

YABU.

if you were in your own house and you could not speak the same language as your guests and they kept having private conversation you could not understand would you not think that was rude? I do. I think the approach of how you speak to your son and husband is brilliant but I don’t think it is fair to stick to this when as someone house who cannot understand what you are saying.

Did op understand what her mil was saying three years ago when she moved there? I have family on the other side of the world, they’d be exstatic if we had chosen to live there. And even though they are so far away, they have chosen to not call themselves grandmother and grandfather, but instead have always called themselves the names for that in the language of the country our children live in (now, they might want to move one day). No negativity, it’s such a good skill to be bilingual..

barms90 · 08/06/2022 20:23

bellac11 · 08/06/2022 20:20

A couple of hours a week with the odd word or two in Spanish from OP will have next to no effect on the child's learning.

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Actually it will. Children are lazy and would much rather speak in their dominant language which in this case is Spanish. If you start giving them the option to speak in Spanish they will use this more often.
It also encourages mixing. I have two sons one is 11 and has one person one language and has never mixed.the youngest is 5...he mixes all the time...why...because his brother speaks to him in both polish and English.

Ndd135632 · 08/06/2022 20:23

@bellac11 actually it does. When a bilingual kid who is learning language, looks at someone, they kind of switch gears. It is an incredibly important time. It’s the adults that need to grow up.

Ndd135632 · 08/06/2022 20:24

@barms90 fully agree. The adults need to grow up.

custardbear · 08/06/2022 20:25

Putting myself in her situation, if I couldn't speak English I'd prefer everyone spoke Spanish in my home.
If she speaks English then it's null and void and she's putting herself above the teachings of your child

Ndd135632 · 08/06/2022 20:26

@barms90 is right. Speaking different languages is like switching gears. If a parent mixes and matches then the gears get totally confused and the child does too. When my kids look at my husband they see and speak Italian. If he spoke English to them they would be utterly confused. The adults need to grow up and act as adults.