Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

How do you people ask these questions and not realise you're living in a shit situation?Do you honestly think your awful 'should my husband buy me food or should I just die' scenarios are how everyone else's relationships are? How do you even get into a state where you're pregnant and asking this?

Harsh, but every word of this.

Nip this in the bud right now op and tell your DH that all income is split, equally and whether you use your half on bread or highlights is fuck all to do with him. If he doesn't agree, kick him out because to be frank you'd probably have a better standard of living if he was paying maintenance.

This type of post should act as a huge warning for anyone considering TTC who hadn't yet heared their oh's pov on such matters.

The time to find out if he's a selfish, financially abusive prick is before you get pregnant.

He is refusing to consider sharing the parental leave, but also refusing to share the net financial impact on the family of you taking all the parental leave? So you take the full financial hit, and he goes merrily ok as normal with his discretionary spending undiminished?

What a prince among men.

If these are already the attitudes he's displaying, I'd insist on him taking half the parental leave, tbh. Failing that, he needs to make sure you have equal spending money. You're making a sacrifice so he doesn't have to.

So how does he see it working? You continue to contribute to joint bills at same percentage as currently, and in fact, as costs have gone up with baby you will both need to.put in more.... meanwhile, your income has gone down so instead of doing this proportionally, you are now putting 100% of your salary into joint expenses?!

Bollocks. If you both insist on the proportional thing then it needs to be worked out again ie new total expenditure, split proportionally so that if he now earns 4x more than you, you pay 20% of total bills and he pays 80% ans then leftover money for each of you.

But really, I have to ask you, is the basic view here that you are having a year doing nothing ans hence he shouldn't have to pay? Because a 5 second look at the cost of childcare makes it pretty clear that hanging out with a baby all day is not "doing nothing".

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

So he wants childcare for a year? He can pay for a nanny and nursery, plus anything else you may have been doing, or he can share the household income with his family.

OP, I'm sorry but this doesn't sound a very healthy situation.

I’m even surprised you are asking such questions! You are a family now, stop thinking like flatmates!

But that would mean he's getting everything his own way and his life is barely affected by having a baby: not having to reduce his spending; not impacting his career because you're the one on ML; not having all the sleepless nights, cos, let's face it, you're going to do those if you're on ML.

You seriously need to have a conversation about all of this before the baby is born. When you're completely knackered and hormonal it's much harder to make your case. Keep in mind that you're both having the baby, not just you, and your life should not be more affected than his, financially or practically, even though you're going to have different roles while you're on ML.

Gosh OP, what an odd post. Just chuck it all into one account and live your lives. Why do you need to split things, why are you even discussing what is "fair"? Would he seriously question a haircut or lunch out with friends? It all evens out in the end, life is too short. I don't understand how couples like this function, being so self-centred and non-inclusive. I'm thinking this is where the extraordinary 30% divorce rate comes in!

When you go on maternity pay and have a smaller income, surely your financial responsibilities should be reevaluated?

We have all earnings go into a joint account and everything is shared.

OP as soon as DH and I had DS all our earnings went into a joint pot and we each get equal fun spends.
Anything less than that is unfair on you. At the very least stop paying for renovations etc. until this is sorted.

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

Bloody hell. Fair enough, though - work out the cost of a 24/7 nanny and bill him for half of that. You’ll have plenty of money for the hairdresser then…..

Yes, the costs should be split between you. And if he has money to do nice things so should you.

Ideally it’s one pot that you share and support each other with. He should want you to have a wonderful maternity leave, with support to enjoy as much as your joint budget will reasonably allow. If he is not up for this, consider more drastic options - go back to work early, stop paying for house renovations, start saying you can’t afford to do things he enjoys so you can save - he needs to understand that either you are a family unit or you aren’t.

I think it depends. I'm the main earner (I earn double DH) and I'm 7 weeks pregnant now. I've been squirrelling away a bit each month for the last 2 years. Living off DH isn't an option whilst I'm on mat leave as what we both put a 3rd of our take home pay into a joint account every month and this covers our mortgage, bills, foodshop. Everything joint. We keep the other 2/3 for our own money. What I contribute each month is only a little less than DH entire monthly income so its not physically possible for him to cover both of us. I will need to have saved my contribution I make for each month of May leave I want over and the 12 weeks I get full pay. The stat maternity money I will have as my spends

It’s times like this that I am glad my religious parents made me go to marriage preparation classes with a priest before I got married. We had to discuss things like attitudes to housework and money. It’s old fashioned but we have always abided by what’s mine is yours. We are a family unit and all income is shared. There have been times when each of us have earned more and times when we have done more childcare. I would never resent my husband getting a haircut or coffee when he was a stay at home dad. He was doing an important job and had a right to leisure time and haircuts!!! You seem very vulnerable to financial abuse.

Um, yes, of course he supports you! And that includes highlights and lunches out because you’re taking time off work to take care of your and your dh’s baby so will be picking up less money. Or he takes time off and cares for the baby and you can support him. If he quibbles about you having money for yourself then he’s an arse and I’d be looking to divorce him - see how he likes doing 50/50 or paying child maintenance!

Firstly I’m a guy. My wife and I don’t have his or her money, we have our money and that is shared to pay for our costs jointly. We do have a little we put away each for clothes (or surprise presents without the other knowing) but generally we have open conversation that if we can afford it we get it. When we had our son it was my salary and a little maternity pay that covered our bills but I have never seen it as me financing her maternity….it’s a strange concept to me

I don’t understand why people have separate accounts and give some to joint bills each? But maybe it’s just what I was use o seeing my parents grow up. I am just over 50 now btw

That's so depressing. He has actually given you reason to believe that, after carrying his child for 9 months, giving birth and taking a year off work to raise it, he would begrudge you a haircut or a meal with a friend?

Fair is you both remember you are married and soo to be parents and that whatever money comes into the house belongs to both of you; that neither one of you is lesser than, or more important than the other. That you are parents, a team, one unit. Not still single, separate individuals who only pay for themselves.

You don't Go Dutch on a marriage!

He'd be paying a hell of a lot more if you went back to work earlier and he was paying nursery fees.

That’s really sad if you know that he ‘absolutely would not think it fair’ to help fund some luxuries for you when there is a huge disparity of earnings.

Absolutely do not go part time or give up work for a man like this. I would get back to work as soon as possible if I was with a man so miserly.

The mother of his child should not be pinching pennies and experiencing a vastly different standard of living to dad. It’s not kind at all.

I’m not saying you should be putting Mulberry handbags on his credit card- but things like hair/nails, some coffee money for you to get out of the house with baby, a new top because you want something to cheer yourself up a bit because you are covered in baby sick and nothing fits right now, etc.…should absolutely come out of the family pot if there is disposable income. Only selfish pricks would resent the woman they apparently ‘love’ this.

Another one for how did this not get discussed pre TTC?!
if that is his attitude then you can’t afford to have a year off with the baby. It would be utter madness.
You go back to work asap and childcare costs and pick ups and drop offs and sick days are shared 50/50
He is telling you he doesn’t take responsibility for your financial security. So you need to. For your sake and the baby’s.
Also as an aside- technically his money is actually yours too, cos you are married. Of course hard to enforce in practice.

I can't believe this question is even coming up in 2022! You POOL your finances - there is no 50/50 in a marriage. Your money/my money never works in favour of the woman, not long term, because men usually earn more money.

I know loads of women on here say 'I am on £100K a year, and out-earn my DH 3-4 X over.' But frankly I don't believe them, because a woman on £100K a year (and there are few but nowhere near the amount who claim it on here,) would have to be in a very niche or high powered job to get that income, and she would not be with a low paid man. Not in the real world.

Adding to my previous post I'm currently on mat leave.

DH and I have joint money everything we earn is family money we do take some each for savings/spending etc. We made sure i had enough in a saving account (saved by both of us) to cover loss of earnings whilst on mat leave- we were going to use this to top up joint accounts when needed.

As it happens DH got a substantial pay rose just before DD was born, the money we had saved pre birth is still sat in one of my accounts. Baby is a family baby not just your responsibility

But she's saying he's not questioning paying bills or baby stuff, so he's paying that, she's got her maternity pay for personal stuff at £800 pm for the full twelve months. Are you honestly suggesting that's not enough to live on if all your household bills and food is paid for?

We had savings so used the savings to top up what my normal contribution was when I was on maternity leave. After that I went part time and then a short while later I became a SAHM. Our money was pooled into one account. Family money for the family.

I have been a sahm for 18 years due to disability, Dh paid over £100 for my hair colouring appointment a couple of weeks ago as it was due a full head of highlights. The fact that your "D"h would not want to you to look and feel your best, to meet your friends and socialise whilst on maternity leave makes me wonder why he feels this way.

I have seen this so many times on here. Woman takes financial hit on maternity leave, uses all of her savings to keep contributing to the pot.Struggles financially meanwhile he is buying stuff for his hobby or himself, never the baby. Womena returns to work and ends up paying for all the childcare. Her life is very much changed, husband/partner carries on as if the baby never happened, keeps all their money as before, doesn't change their hours, doesn't take any time off work if the baby is too ill for nursery because his job is far too important, woman adjusts her hours to be able to do both drop off and pick up.

My Dh isn't like that. He falls over himself to prioritise his children and me. He loves and cherishes us. I have my own car, socialise with friends because he does the same, he just pays for both of us. This is a marriage, a partnership, why would your "D"h want to treat you like a prisoner in the home?

Bonkers to be even considering sharing a baby with someone you don't share finances with.

Money is money in our household, doesn’t matter who earns it. My DH is the higher earner but both our salaries go into our joint bank account and we then have the same amount transferred into our personal accounts for spends. None of this splitting business, it’s one pot because we’re a family. Was this before the kids came along and will stay this way. Why should you struggle for a shared child?