Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

Make sure you are equally out of pocket. For eg if you stand to lose £1200 a month, he gives you £600 so you are both £600 out.

This is absurd. I have never gone back to work full time post children as we can get buy and we both want for one of us to be at home more. I would never for a second consider that my husband doesn’t want me to get my hair done or go out to lunch on ‘his’ money. If he’s got they much of a problem then he needs to stay at home for a day a week so you can go to work and earn your fun money! You are enabling him to be at work earning what he does by looking after your joint child!

Op l ask you this, why should you miss out financially as you are the one actually carrying, giving birth to and then caring for full time a baby you BOTH conceived, BOTH wanted and BOTH are equally responsible for?

I would have a huge problem with this and be carefully considering my future...

Are you honestly suggesting that's not enough to live on if all your household bills and food is paid for?

No I am suggesting precisely what I wrote, not some weird translation of it.

OP will be taking all of the financial hit of having a baby. The time out of work, presumably, given his refusal to take any paternity leave, the time off when the child is ill. He will graciously pay his half of the child's food etc but that's it? His wife can manage

Why is your bar set so low?

I know loads of women on here say 'I am on £100K a year, and out-earn my DH 3-4 X over.' But frankly I don't believe them, because a woman on £100K a year (and there are few but nowhere near the amount who claim it on here,) would have to be in a very niche or high powered job to get that income, and she would not be with a low paid man. Not in the real world

my best friend is exactly this. Chartered Accountant and her DH was a UPS delivery man. He’s a nice bloke. She likes work. Together 35 years!

No, she said that her £800 per month would just about cover her share of the bills and this post implies that costs for the baby such as nappies or clothing would come out of the joint account. But basically, he does not feel that her contribution to the joint account should be reduced, even though she will be earning significantly less. In practical terms, this means she can only pay for household expenses and not for any "luxuries".

These threads are the most depressing ones on MN. Financial abuse in so many forms is just so rife. And the really frightening part is how often the women genuinely believe that they're being unreasonable to ask for more.

OP, I think you need to consider reducing your maternity leave. Get back to work. Childcare can the be added to the household costs, at the same proportion of course.

I also think you mentioned you can't save as you're doing alterations to your house? Please please tell me that he is ALSO unable to save currently. Because if you're splitting alterations 50/50 so that he then has leftovers but you don't, the abuse is alive and well and the baby isn't even here yet.

PS he probably would be horrified to be told he's financially abusing you (or planning to). LOTS of men have a very skewed idea of "fair". Usually based on the theory that a woman looking after a child is not "working" and therefore is contributing less to the household.

I feel sorry for you that you are in this situation. If he doesn't think he should "pay" for you to have lunch out etc, then I would be suggesting to him that he takes pat leave while you work and he has no spending money. What a dick. Men like this really do disgust me. He would grudge you a lunch out whilst you care for his child. He will probably expect you to do all the housework too. Perhaps show him this thread? He is very much in the wrong.

Barely any point in me saying it, but any arrangement other than all money being shared money if you are married with children is a recipe for disaster (assuming you have similar attitudes to money - and if one of you is a hoarder and the other buys Ferraris on a joint credit card, you've got a huge problem before you've even had a baby).

But she's saying he's not questioning paying bills or baby stuff, so he's paying that, she's got her maternity pay for personal stuff at £800 pm for the full twelve months. Are you honestly suggesting that's not enough to live on if all your household bills and food is paid for?

@SleepingStandingUp it's really the principle of the way you suggest - it makes the woman - who sacrifices SO much financially (as well as health-risks, sleep, career etc etc etc) - very vulnerable financially.

And it sets up an atmosphere that the husband is "paying for" his wife because she's not earning.

Which is such utter sexist bilge I can't even.

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

Why not? Does he plan on never going out with his mates during your mat leave? You should have equal spending money, you're married, you're an equal partnership.

He does realise it's his baby too not just yours? So why would you be the only one to suffer financially?

Considering DH and I made a human together we didn’t worry about who is paying for what because we are a team. I was in charge of looking after the baby and the house (thus also saving childcare) and DH was in charge of continuing to work as normal. Only thing that really changed was that I picked up more of the housework/family admin simply because I was around more. We had a joint savings account and as soon as my maternity pay stopped we dipped into that to supplement my income so my spends etc stayed exactly the same.
The issue here seems to be that maternity leave is seen as voluntarily not working, but it can sometimes be more stressful than work! A perk can be meeting an NCT friend for a coffee, but a perk of being at work is a guarantee that the coffee in question will be warm. I think some couples overthink it and spend too long worrying about “fairness”.

Yes of course! It's both of your child.

OP you are making extra contributions by growing and raising a baby. He needs to make extra contributions too. That will be in the form of doing more around the house and extra financial contributions. I despair when I read shit like this. Separate money is fine until you have dc. Once you have dc it doesn't work. Who will take time off when your child is sick? You are taking a hit in career progression and pension contributions. He has to make this up to you.

What everyone else said.

Frankly, the coffee and the highlights are the least of it. As you'll be off for a year (and at home to pick up the domestic slack), you can look forward to not being able to hand any of that back and him using the extra leeway he has whilst you cook his dinner to get promoted (which is obviously all his doing, he works so hard) then tell you he has such an important job he could never take time out to share childcare with you (so you do more nursery runs, you do more bedtimes, you do all sickness) and you'll have to make your job less important and give up on any ambition you have or give it up. It's the script and you are already on it with his refusal to do more parental leave (because his job is important, much more important than what you are doing) and your financial split that gives him more spending money as it is. And bless you, you already believe that when you are not earning money you deserve to not have nice things and he deserves to have an unchanged lifestyle. This man has really done a number on you already.

Putting your OP another way, why shouldn't you be able to have the occasional lunch out and have nice hair whilst on maternity leave? You are doing a job too? If it isn't valuable to you both, then you shouldn't be the only one at home.

hahahahahahahahahahaha.

You don't have a clue, do you?

In fact, for many women in high powered and high paid roles, having a man who does not earn the same and/or who is less ambitious is pretty standard.. Do you know why? Because:

1. High powered/high paid men are often threatened by equally successful women. My (equally successful, well paid friends) and I could tell you some dating stories.... and don't even get me started on the way I've been patronised over the years by men I know socially in the same industry as me....
2. If you are a women in a high paid/high powered career, the chances are it's very very demanding. A man who is less "alpha" (for want of a better word) is far more likely to step up and do his share and be supportive of that decision.

Of course not all highly paid women are the main/higher earners, but trust me, for many of us, it is by far the better way.

Also, FYI, OP - when DH became a SAHD after my maternity leave, we didn't even have to discuss this stuff because all our money was pooled. We were earning less as a family, but didn't have childcare costs so it worked out. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to worry if DH was out at lunch with a friend or similar. Ironically, he used to worry about it a bit in the beginning, but we soon got that sorted out!

This!

Jesus Christ OP! Your update is awful! He is clearly expecting you to take the financial hit of having a baby, whilst protecting himself from any by 'refusing to take more that two weeks maternity.' To put it simply he is requiring that you pay, effectively, through loss of earnings, to look after his baby. He wants you to look after his baby for a year, but he doesn't want to have to pay for it, by enabling you to have a life outside of baby-minder.

He's a cheap, sexist arsehole.

OP you would be better off leaving him. You would get benifits, he would have to pay maintainance and you wouldn't need to cook/clean his shit. Your OH is a dickhead.

Sorry, OP, like several previous posters, this would worry me. He's not viewing you as a family unit, IMO. When either of us go out with friends or have haircuts, it all goes on the joint credit card that we jointly pay off every month. Same with DH - he's just bought a three-person kayak for our family that I'm not terribly interested in, but I'm happy to contribute to family hobbies.

We still maintain separate bank accounts but we move most of our salaries into joint accounts. We keep our savings separate and pay for our own exceptional expenses, e.g., I'll pay for my plane tickets when I visit my family in the UK alone.

Your DH needs to shift his thinking to the family unit model.

Yes. The way we work it is…
half the mortgage and bills as we always did before, then what he’s left with as disposable income, we half. Completely fair, doesn’t matter what you send it on it’s the most equal way to split things.

You’re doing a full time unpaid job remember. The most important job any human can take on! That’s worth equality at the very least

Have a read of this:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/pregnancy-compensation-mother-pay-gap-b2031258.html?amp

This woman had her head screwed on. "Spirtually married" indeed. Bloke is horrified that she won't take on the entire financial hit of pregnancy and childcare as well as physical.

OP this is how women should be thinking about the sacrifice they're making.

You’d think people would discuss this before not using contraception not once their committed to bringing a new person into it all

This is pretty awful, he sounds very unfair.

So he thinks it would be OK for him to have loads of disposable income and you can't pay for a lunch with a friend you met through a baby support group?

I wouldn't be able to tolerate a marriage like this.

You can phrase it how you like but I don't think it's fair to expect him to pay for all the bills, all the baby stuff and then hand over hundreds every month to OP so she can do her own stuff when she's got a reasonable wage coming in.

If you assume house costs are say £1500 and she used to pay £500 to his £1000 as she earn ££1k a month to his £2k then he's now paying £1500 from his £2000 plus giving her half of what's left, so say £250 for him and £250 for her, plus she's then a banking £800 a month mat pay and £80 CB.

HOW is that reasonable for THEIR child

Bloody hell. When you marry you join your assets and work together to meet all your financial commitments together. You’d soon find that out if you divorce 🤦‍♀️.
you both need to start behaving like grown ups who are fully committed to your lives together even without children coming into it.
you need a joint account. A budget you both agree for your outgoings covered by that. Income needs to be paid into it. Budget needs to include joint savings for future, pensions etc and maternity leave or any time either of you are not working ( yes, shit stuff happens due to redundancy or illness- if you remember your vows) . If and when you have spare money you can pay yourselves an allowance each into individual accounts to spend as you wish. Start working together for your wealth or debt management - it’s a bloody sight easier than all this yours and mine shit. That ended when you signed the legal registry

You can phrase it how you like but I don't think it's fair to expect him to pay for all the bills, all the baby stuff and then hand over hundreds every month to OP so she can do her own stuff when she's got a reasonable wage coming in.

The most common view from people on here is simply shared monies and equal discretionary spending.