Do husbands support wives financially during maternity leave?

[DogsAndGin]

Hi everyone,

Pregnant with our first baby and starting to think about saving up and preparing for mat leave.

Currently, DH earns more than I do, and we spend the same proportion of our income on bills etc, and then the rest is ours to do with what we wish.

However, when I go onto mat leave, I will be getting about £800 a month on average across 12 months. If I am very careful, this will just about cover my direct debits and responsibilities, and will leave me with absolutely nothing at all for any spending money, birthdays and Xmas, trips out etc.

This will be too tight, so, looking at my options:

• I can’t save anything in advance (every spare penny is going on home renovations).
• I don’t have a job where I can get any overtime or bonuses.
• I could sell my car (would probably get £2000, plus save on insurance, tax, mot, fuel).

DH’s income will remain largely the same throughout baby’s first year, as he’ll only take two weeks paternity leave.

So, my very naive questions! -

For those of you in the same situation, (married/cohabiting and both full time employed) - is there a way families tend to make this inequality in loss of earnings fairer?

Do husbands tend to support their wives financially during mat leave?

Neither of us want to put baby into nursery during their first year, and I don’t think that would be cost effective anyway.

DH refuses to take more than 2 weeks paternity leave, so we can’t split the leave (and loss of earnings) that way. Both he and I want for me to stay with the baby for the first year.

In your shoes, I would go back to work as quickly as possible and then he can pay his share of the nursery costs. I know it's not what you want, but better than being dependent on someone like your DH

And I wouldn't have dreamed of asking 'permission' for hairdresser costs, lunch out with friends, gym membership etc ... I am adult, I can see what funds are available in out joint bank account and we both budgeted accordingly.. without quibbling over who spent what.

Why don't you have joint finances? This is such a weird and inefficient arrangement, especially with children.

If he will not pool funds and it become family money i would be returning to work full time asap. Paying 50% of the childcare each. I would not be going back part time either

Did you really not think about this before you decided to have a baby?

I’d work out what full time nursery would cost and charge him half OP! You are doing his half after all. Can not believe you think you shouldn’t be getting your hair done or going for a coffee just because you’re on Mat leave.

This is a worrying attitude.

Is it fair if he paid you the going rate for a child minder, house keeper, pa for a years salary? Is he giving up a years pension contributions?

However this should have been discussed pre pregnancy and you are now going to have to lump it. If he is really that selfish and narrow minded I'd leave him.

This is awful, op. Please read the advice written. He is taking the piss and you need to put the foot down now.

So he wants you to stay home and look after the baby but not share his money with HIS family so you can have your haircut or meet a friend? So basically you’re unpaid childcare / cleaner?

This really is a conversation to have before getting pregnant (or married) and I would not be in a relationship with someone with these views.

One pot of money that is shared.

Or use her £800 a month mat pay if he's paying all the bills and baby essentials as op has implied he's happy to do

Of course he covers your financial losses from pregnancy, maternity leave, and that the bulk of child care will likely default to you even if he claims it will be split equally.

most people handle this by combining finances and getting equal fun money. This does not include money for child activities, those are budgeted separately.

if he wants to keep separate finances, I would expect for the duration of your maternity leave
50% of you lost income
your pension payments covered

all child expenses split, including incidentals during the day like you grabbing a cup of coffee when you take child to the library, your maternity clothing, nursing bras, menstrual pads, absolutely everything.

when you go back to work, he either does 50% of drop offs and pickups, doctors appointments, sick days, and kid related chores or he pays you for these tasks.

any man who doesn’t understand the financial cost to you or having his child is really not a man you should be procreating with.

I would argue he should ensure there is money for coffees with NCT and new Mum friends - it is vital socialising for your baby and you. If you end up unable to function due t no support - what would he do? Plus those early local Mum friends are now the same people who do emergency school pick ups - meaning the DH does not have to miss work etc!!

I’ve always been pretty easy going but I expected my DH to pay more when I was on maternity leave. For a start you are doing the pregnancy, childbirth and probably breastfeeding for the family. Secondly, you are stalling your career. Thirdly, if you are still unsure of your worth, look at the cost of hiring a 24hr Nanny.

What the heck. Seriously. If you both struggle with the concept of him supporting you and the baby financially when you took time off of work to care for his child then basically make him pay you a a salary for all the childcare you will be doing.

I didn’t even consider this
as a thing!! He money is mine, mine is his, end of. Wouldn’t hesitate to spend on highlights or lunches as it’s both our cash!

The fairest thing would be for both of you to carry the baby for 4.5 months, taking an equal hit on earnings and pension etc.
Biologically this is clearly not possible

Why not? Most mums in the UK have stopped breastfeeding by 4.5 months anyway, so a dad can take care of the baby just as fine. Except that this particular father refuses to.

I can't believe you even have to ask frankly OP. To me a marriage means joint money and I say that as the one who has always earned more than my husband (aside from periods of maternity leave).

I buy what I want, get my hair done when I want, have lunch out when I want and I always have done, DH has the same luxury, he spends a fortune on tatoos and I'm fine with that. We aren't sitting working out who spent what at the end of each month that's not how a family should work especially with a child now involved.

@SleepingStandingUp she’s already said her maternity pay will only cover her direct debits and other responsibilities and she’ll be left with no spare cash. So you’re implying it’s fine for the DH to have more disposable income than her.

We knew in my first pregnancy that DH couldn't pay all the household bills himself, and so we waited to TTC until we'd saved enough money to fund mat leave and house renovations.

In my 2nd pregnancy, which was unexpected, we saved hard through the 8 months but we were decidedly short, thankfully my may pay was better second time round and DH had a payrise so picked up the shortfall.

I was in a similar situation my partner earnt more than me and my money basically covered what it needed too.

I paid my share of bills as did my partner we worked out fuel and food Costs and realised he'd have about £700 left on the first maternity leave (so he gave me £350) then second time round things were very tight after redundancy and already having one child so it was down to about £180 but my family were very kind too buying us bits and bobs and so we were lucky

He would absolutely not think it’s fair that he pays for or contributes towards my highlights or lunch out with an NCT friend though

I think you need to write him a detailed bill of taking time off from your work to raise your (joint) child, doing his laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning the house and the general mental load of all the bills etc. As it sounds like he's a lazy shite.

You need to get this sorted now.

Do not give up your job.

You have married an tight man who you have been silly enough to get pregnant by, without even the most basic of conversations.

He is already laying down rules about what he will contribute for.

Do not give up your job you unbelievably naive woman.

How you don't know that only the scum of men don't take over all costs when their wife has a baby is really unbelievable.

No decent man would think of querying his wife getting her hair done.

Do not give up your job and leave yourself financially at the mercy of a mean man whilst you give up everything for a baby you both made.

Have you family and friends?

Keep them close, sounds like you are going to need them.

Sorry OP, a man who won't pay for a hair do or a coffee while you are on mat leave is a total cunt. This is financial abuse.

I find questions like this totally bamboozling. Your are married, surely it’s family money no matter who earned it?
If you don’t want to share your money, don’t get married and have kids. Honestly, wtf are people doing?