What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

[Sleepfailires]

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

What worked for my very sleep-disrupted child was to create a sort of trough in the bed. I rolled up two pillows and positioned them apart beneath the fitted sheet. He'd sleep between them and the pillows act as a sort of soothing prop so if he kicked out he'd be sort of contained within the two lumps. It helped him stay settled and therefore asleep.

@Sleepfailires omg you are bringing back horrible memories! 9 years ago I was in exactly the same situation with DD at tye same age. Tried everything you have, with similar results.

A complete stranger suggested I try cranial osteopathy. Whilst I was sceptical, I was desperate enough to try anything. After the first session she slept all the way home, and much better that night -in her cot!! It took a few sessions, but within about 3 months she was sleeping a lot more reliably.

Whatever you do next, good luck. Living with a non-sleeping baby is hideous.

@Sleepfailires How are you today? I'm sorry if this has already been asked (such a long thread I didn't read all of it) but are you in the UK? My HV offered a specialist to help out with sleep as I have a child with similar issues. I didn't take them up on it, for my own reasons, but it could be useful?

My other, very basic, tip is lately I've discovered that DS had been going to sleep easier with a very firm stuffed toy that he can hook his arm around, a good replacement for my neck!
I've never tried this but have you looked into melatonin?
You're not a bad parent and I'm sure there is nothing "wrong" with your baby. It's soul destroying and very much will leave you in tears sometimes. Totally justifiable but it will get better.

I had similar with our first born (few years ago now). It was torture for both of us. DH resolved we had to do something as we couldn't even think straight. We both read books, including Gina Ford (like the anti christ here in MN). The thing we took away was implementing a very strict and rigid regime for a while with it being the same every day, including day time sleeps etc. His sleeps were all in his own bedroom and we stopped reading to him in his room, was done downstairs etc.

The main thing was DH got up and managed him on a night. We had several nights of screaming constantly. He kept checking him so fed, watered, winded, clean nappy etc but let him cry (kept checking on him). Nearly killed me but after a few days he stopped and just slept through every night. Been like it ever since and can't get him out of bed now!!

We started loosening the regime after a few months although always had a fear he would relapse. He didn't

Second one slept like a dream from coming home....couldn't believe the difference.

Right, @EarringsandLipstick but there isn’t really a difference by that point where I sleep. It’s the fact it’s 2 in the morning and I’ll be up in 4 hours.

I wondered how long it would take to be beaten round the head with ‘you are ignoring helpful advice.’ The title of my thread is I don’t know what the fuck to do because I’ve tried just about every recommendation in the books and they don’t fucking well work.

We had a similar situation and this is what we did. Child went to his cot in his own bedroom and every time he woke he got dh and with the offer of a bottle of water if he was thirsty. Quick cuddle then back into the cot (quick clean up of him and cot if necessary).

There was a lot of screaming but it wasn't CIO, he wasn't alone or abandoned, he had his dad. What he didn't have was what he wanted - to spend the night in our bed feeding every 2 hours and clamped to my head like a koala. Was hard, took a week. But it worked.

If you can't face that, that's fine. There may come a point where you can. I was at breaking point.

@Sleepfailires just to reassure you my DS1 was an absolute dream baby, so calm, settled and easy. Lulled me into a false sense of security so when DS2 arrived after 21mth gap, I was in for a shock. All babies are different. Didn’t risk a 3rd!

I had a shit sleeps and threw Sarah Ockwell Smith book across the room when she suggested that lavender essence might help! Fucking hell, I was so annoyed.

OP, it sounds absolutely dreadful. How long have you been trying the gentle sleep training for?

@MarieG10 after Sarah fucking Ockwell Smith has ruined my life I am definitely going for Gina if I have another. Which is unlikely.

That was the first night @PlantingTrees 😂

we did CIO at 18 months and used a baby monitor to keep an eye on DC. It worked!! Another clingy baby - we’d spend ages getting them to sleep , shushing, creeping out the room maybe 3-4 hours later they’re up and I’m having to bring them into our bed to co sleep. That meant DH moving out me putting up with the kicks etc (although sleeping bag did help with this!).

anyway CIO first night 25 mins, second night 17 mins 3rd night 20 seconds!!!!

still now aged 6 our most difficult child at bed time. But at least they can self settle (eventually!):

but yeah a baby monitor and CIO if he’s sick go change him etc and try again

Op it is horrendous, and I totally get it. My two were appalling sleepers and (while I know this sounds dramatic it isn’t meant to) I honestly thought the whole lack of sleep/relationship wreaking set up/having to get into work on tiny amounts of broken sleep was going to kill me in those first few years. DS would only go to sleep/stay asleep if in physical contact with me (skin to skin ideally with his face pressed into me) and was a hot, sticky, kicking scratching toddler by that point. And did not want DH at all.

When at (or actually possibly a bit beyond) breaking point (I had screamed at DH, hadn’t seen any of my friends for months, had a near miss driving when - in hindsight - I was too tired to do so safely and had broken down and sobbed at my boss for about an hour one day at work) and in desperation more than hope eventually we got an awesome sleep consultant who is a trained nurse and health visitor and sleep consultant. She was amazing, and the support was incredible. As she does email/video call options I am happy to DM her details to you if you like.

We got detailed tailored recommendations based on the sleep diary we were asked to keep for 7-10days and she helped structure a whole bedtime routine (so starting nearly an hour before bedtime, not just focussing on the actual settling for bed bit). It was not instant but was transformative and in the long run totally worked. Hugely good luck.

No, there are no classes that prepare you for the reality of a non sleeping screaming toddler.

@LolaO if you could that would be great as that does sound very similar.

I’m just so sick of it now.

@Sleepfailires if he is waking exactly the same time each night he's probably got himself in the routine of doing so and you need to break the habit, try a reset. About 20 minutes before his usual wake time, very gently disturb his sleep. Not enough to fully wake but enough to start a new sleep cycle. It's worked for us many times once the DC got into waking habits.

Ok OP, I'll leave you to it.

I and other posters have been massively sympathetic. I'm past that stage now but haven't forgotten it. It's awful.

However; you are ignoring reasonable suggestions - that's your choice.

By creating rotas with DH, you can get a workable amount of sleep. Still crap, but functional.

You say 2 am, up in 4 hours - look, it's not great but getting 4 hours, on a mattress / spare bed or whatever sounds pretty decent to me.

The point is you need to work out a rota with DH that guarantees you some sleep. Which is doable. If you want to.

Then GP, sleep consultant. There is unlikely to be a magic change but you can improve matters, at least in relation to your own health.

Good luck.

Oh shit. I’d go for it again then. Maybe it’ll be slightly better? It’s not like you’re getting any sleep anyway. Also, re leaving dad to help. I had to do this at a similar age due to feeling like I was gonna die of no sleep. Toddler cried for hours with his dad. Took a few nights but then both of us could settle him. Then we would take turns to do the nights. I’d still do most of them but he did some and it really helped. But maybe just go for one kind of sleep training at a time. Either, being settled by dad or staying in cot.

You say he's worse with your husband, but how can he be worse than the "berserk", screaming, vomiting child he is with you?! Your husband needs to do more, a lot more. We used to take it in turns to sleep in the spare room with the baby. Alternate nights having decent sleep was the difference between coping and (wishing you'd never had kids) not coping.

We have been through all this, @EarringsandLipstick

@BeeEllEyePeePeeEye he wakes three hours after going to bed. You can almost set your clock by him.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I haven’t read all of the comments but have read all of your posts and can see how worn out you are.

I have an almost 2 year old who and have been where you are now, it will get better if you stick at it, I promise.

I followed gentle sleep training techniques and whilst tough, our dd does sleeps through most of the time now.

Your child getting to a state they are vomiting isn’t ideal but you can’t stop because of that. Get a waterproof sheet so you can clean them and the cot up and carry on.

I thought I’d share what actually worked for us as it may be things you haven’t considered trying.

Planning the first nights for a long weekend when dad could do it and then could sleep in the day, this was to break the connection to me being the one to settle her.

Losing the dummy, they are using that to self settle and when they naturally stir after two hours they wake more to find the dummy. So it’s actually hindering you rather than helping.

We also introduced white noise, one that kicks in when they start to stir. I didn’t consider this until a friend suggested it as dd didn’t like it as a new born but this was the biggest success. Changed things overnight pretty much and we still use it now and our dd will now sleep for 12 hours if it’s on.

Get yourself a nap today!

You sound desperate, and I’m not surprised.

I have no idea how you get him to sleep better. But you said (half-jokingly?) that you’d contemplated throwing him out of the window. You seriously need to sleep before it damages you further. Get away from him for two nights, somewhere, anywhere. Let DH or a stern granny or anyone else trustworthy deal with him all night.

@Sleepfailires , you have blamed yourself throughout this, thinking you are a bad Mother. Stop!

You’re a loving and kind Mother who has consistently put her childs needs above her own. Please be a bit easier on yourself.

Give the sleep training a rest for tonight and just do whatever is needed for both of you to get some rest. Rethink and regroup for tomorrow.

@Sleepfailires I feel so sorry for you, reading your posts. You do sound at the end of your tether.

A couple of things that I haven't noticed mentioned (apologies if they have been) - does he have a set bedtime? And what time is it? I used to have trouble with both my boys if I tried to follow "accepted" guidelines of when they "should" go to bed - but if I put them down before 8:30pm at the earliest, then they would wake up again after 30-90 mins, and then be an utter nightmare to get back to sleep. 7pm? Ha! no bloody way. So their bedtime was between 8:30pm and 9pm. If yours is going to sleep later than this anyway, then he may be overtired, which is one reason he may not stay asleep - but if it's much earlier, then it might be outside of his "natural" rhythm, so he's using it as a nap and then waking up again, but still tired and pissed off because he's tired.

Another idea - if he IS ND, this might work, and equally if he's not - if he requires close full body contact, then have you considered trying sensory compression clothing? Here is a link www.sensorysmart.co.uk/compression--spd-therapy-72-c.asp but you can google it to find others. He's probably too big now for a baby sleeping bag, but that might be another thing to try if you haven't already.

((((hugs)))) for you - it's a nightmare when you can't get them to go to sleep.

He’s like that with me if I don’t pick him up, @UnintentionallyRidiculous , he is like that with DH full stop.

I do have some massive issues in my relationship but I have to say this isn’t one of them. If DH could do more at night, he would.

Sorry OP but this made me laugh because I wish I could hit her round the head with her own book too. What a load of guilt inducing parent torture clap trap it is!