What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

[Sleepfailires]

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

???

I think you’ve totally misunderstood @EarringsandLipstick

So when DS started screaming last night the mattress was there ready for gentle sleep training. He had some milk, then was gently told to go to sleep. Absolute mayhem broke lose, even with me right there stroking him. Thrashing around in cot, hysterical screaming, seriously like a child possessed. Then he vomited.

Sorry - how is THAT ‘but he did sleep’?

People keep saying to bring a mattress in or something - it makes no difference. If I’m there but not holding him, he goes utterly berserk..

But he will get used to the idea that you are there all the time and after a few nights, he’ll wake, check you’re there then go back to sleep. At the moment when he wakes you aren’t there, to him he’s in his cot all alone, so he crys, you come along but to him that takes ages.

Give it a try, you don’t need a mattress, husband can go in spare room, you and baby in bed.

This sounds utterly ridiculous but my friend set up a camp bed in her garage and alternated nights with her DH. Each parent got a full undisturbed nights sleep every other night. DC also learnt mum wasn't always available.
Is he meeting all his milestones?

And @Glitterspy thanks. It does affect our relationship and bond. I feel
suffocated by him and angry and I regret having him at all sometimes

What's he like in the day? Does he show signs of concern otherwise?

Yeah @LizzieSiddal thats what we’re doing. I think I’m not explaining the issues very well. That’s what I’ve been doing for months and I want to die with tiredness but hey.

I think so @cptartapp on the surface anyway. Not sure he understands as much as he ‘should.’

OP has explained that he is then thrashing around and kicking and scratching.

Tbh I would ditch the cot and go for a small bed, he's 18 months now you don't want another change so soon after getting used to the cot.

Sleepfailires but you keep saying he’s in his cot? I’m very confused!

I do feel so sorry for you, we had horrific sleep at an earlier stage and the tiredness was crushing.

HV aren’t generally experts in sleep so if you want more advice look at Sarah Ockwell Smith or ask locally for recommendations for sleep consultants. Book a GP appointment- your DH can sort this out. Even if it’s not for weeks it will come round eventually.

I know it’s hard because it’s so awful but one thing that helped me most was shifting my attitude from desperately trying to change things to accepting that this was what my baby needed. Mentally it made a Huge difference - I just got on with it rather than constantly stressing about ‘fixing’ things. He may be a totally NT child just going through a phase or he may be ND. However, it doesn’t really matter at this point as it won’t make a difference to what’s happening now.

Best of luck!

@Sleepfailires

Forgot to add - a baby bjorn, baby carrier. He’d sleep in that because he was next to me. And I’d sleep on sofa propped up with him in carrier (bean bag behind me) - he couldn’t roll off. But read the safety guidelines. Like I say - I may have broken rules and I don’t advise that! He hated sleeping on his back (but adhere to the safety advice!!) There is an age where front sleeping is ok, and he was far happier when he could curl up in a bundle into the corner of a soft sided crib.

So the Chicco next to me soft sides crib, white noise app/lullaby music (which need to persevere with but have same song each time until he starts to recognise), and a baby carrier. And putting him down when he’s already fallen asleep. Put the music on when he starts to stir.

Don’t mention that woman’s name to me - it makes me see red.

Yes @LizzieSiddal , we were trying gentle (my arse) sleep training, but even when you do bring him in bed with you, you get no sleep, it really is very unpleasant.

Yes but that's normal no? I co slept for years. Its not the sleep you want but it's the sleep you get. Waking up with a foot in your face and a kick in the ribs

That’s good advice for a baby @Greyhop but while he isn’t a big toddler, he is 18 months, I can’t put him in a baby bjorn or a next to me. He is way past that stage.

We have similar here op, our two year old is back into our bed around the one mark every night. I can relate to the kicking as when I was pregnant with my second last year there was even less room in the bed ha ha. The kicking seems to have settled now but for the sake of sleep I think your best bet is to consider adjustments to Just get you through for now while things are especially bad! I used to put my toddler outside the duvet and use the cover as a bit of a shield against the kicking, she had her own blanket on top. At one stage the pregnancy pillow thing was a shield too😂😂😂

It’s not sleep at all @Bednobsbroomsticks

I remember my son doing something similar at 20 months, we transitioned him to a bed with a side rail. He loved it

I’ll look into the bed. We are moving house in a few weeks so that might be time to try.

He is still a couple of weeks shy of 18 months and I don’t know what he’d make of a toddler bed. But can’t hurt.

Make an appointment with the doctor on monday so you can rule out any health reasons why he is not sleeping. Even if you have to wait a few weeks for the actual appointment phone on Monday.

Can you try putting him to sleep in a bed not a cot - no pillow, duvet just blanket or sleeping bag so its nice and safe - We discovered at this age our little one was such a fidget in his sleep the cot bars were getting in his way every time he moved and waking him up.

co-sleeping worked for us as in it was the only way any of us got any sleep but it wasn’t a perfect solution and can be an even harder habit to break.

Some children find it hard to sleep. It doesn’t mean they are naughty, manipulative or have anything wrong. Its more normal then you think.

Its tough OP. I remember going to work on two or three hours sleep on a regular basis. No idea how I or my relationship survived. I’m now expecting another child and am already dreading the lack of sleep.

Ah hope you find a resolve. You sound very low and exhausted. Hope there's people around looking after you too xxxx

It sounds hell.
Mine were good sleepers but I wasn't afraid to let them cry. I also encouraged reliance on blankets and teddies for comfort for sleep and naps. They never ever came into our bed and went into a toddler bed at 20 months. They're late teens now and seem unharmed.
Clean him up, flip the mattress and leave. Thrashing and screaming or not. You feel bad anyway and I'd say at this point his needs don't trump yours.
You'll hear 100 different opinions on here. It must be so hard.

I don’t think he does find it hard to sleep, which is what does make me think EITHER I’ve really arsed up (which is my suspicion to be honest - I don’t know any other child who behaves like this) or there is something more to it.

I mean, if he never slept, that would be different, but he’s a dream baby sleep wise until about 11 pm.

@rainingcats i do want another child (fuck knows why) but we can’t TTC because of this and I am old so that may well cost us that opportunity.

Handhold OP. My DS2 was a bad sleeper, and a difficult baby in general, so I can totally get how you are feeling. I can remember many days of feeling like a zombie but it will get easier OP.

Just keep going, and if you can get any help please accept it. I don’t think I would have survived without my lovely late MIL who helped me so much, she was very experienced with babies and said she had never known one like DS2.

I hope you have a better night tonight and that you can get a rest today. Good luck.

@Sleepfailires

No, you've misunderstood me!

When you were posting during the night, DS was asleep.

What I mean is, when he is asleep, use the mattress / bed in his room / spare room for you to sleep too.

As you can't sleep beside him because he thrashes. (I understand this).

If he wakes up again, you go by a rota, so DH will see to him one night. You stay on the mattress / spare bed whatever.

The reason I say 'mattress' is you want something you can get to quickly.

I know it's horrific. Your mention of the teeth is important. That is absolutely contributing to the screaming part, even tho I'm sure he's generally a poor sleeper.

I know you as shattered but you are pushing back a lot on practical suggestions.

You and DH have to share this. It's still not a solution but you have to get some blocks of sleep.

Not exactly the solution you're wanting but mine were cot allergic. One even was at nursery so they moved to a low floor bed.

I put a double mattress on the floor then just a low bed with bed rail in their rooms (just squeezed in.)

Went down better then I joined in the night when they needed me. Ir just coslept from the start of the night. I don't know if he'd settle better in his room in a bed or not?